on line vs real

[BiBunny]

In my opinion, both RJ and Marquis have given you some great advice here.

And for what its worth, over the years I have known many (and personally helped quite a few) long-term couples who shifted from non-kinky to D/s. It is possible to make that change, and sustain it as well.

It seems to me that you've got an additional challenge in dealing with the mental aspects, though, since you switch back and forth between you as D & her as s, and her as D & you as s. There are a few people on this board with that type of experience within a single relationship; I'd be interested to read their comments on how to shift gears successfully this way.

You called?

B. and I switch back and forth occasionally. I am his slave probably 95% of the time, but if he's feeling bottomy when I'm feeling Toppy, we switch it around with no problems. Since we've always been this way, it just flows naturally, but we've always been very open with each other about our desires. I'd say in an established relationship, you'd really have to talk and set boundaries before you could become easily fluid.

Errrrr...did that even make sense?

 

[JMohegan]

You called?

Ha, ha, yes, as a matter of fact I did - and damn, woman! That was fast!

B. and I switch back and forth occasionally. I am his slave probably 95% of the time, but if he's feeling bottomy when I'm feeling Toppy, we switch it around with no problems. Since we've always been this way, it just flows naturally, but we've always been very open with each other about our desires. I'd say in an established relationship, you'd really have to talk and set boundaries before you could become easily fluid.

Errrrr...did that even make sense?

Yes, that makes sense.

The 95/5 split is interesting to me. Do you think you would have trouble viewing him as "Master" if he felt "bottomy" more often?

 

[BiBunny]

Ha, ha, yes, as a matter of fact I did - and damn, woman! That was fast!


Yes, that makes sense.

The 95/5 split is interesting to me. Do you think you would have trouble viewing him as "Master" if he felt "bottomy" more often?

I have an inner Dom-dar. I come runnin' when one calls for me.

I've wondered about that myself, and I *think* the answer is no. He feels "bottomy" more often than we reverse roles, but he has others who fulfill that need for him as well. Because he does have others who can do that for him, it always makes me feel special when he asks for me to do it. Since I know I'm not nearly as a.) technically proficient or b.) sadistic/dominant as some of his other partners, it means a lot to me when he wants ME to Top him because I know I'm more special to him than just an interchangeable "play partner." I suppose that may be more of a relationship thing than a Top/bottom thing there, though.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Yes I truly believe it is Marquis. Oh there are lots of BDSM relationships that go vanilla.


But I have never heard of a long term vanilla going the other way. I'm not saying it is impossible, just saying it has to be very very rare.

Hate to break it to ya, but I'm one of the ones Catalina refers to. Married to my husband for 19 years this coming July, the first 14 of those were vanilla. I am owned and marked by Daddy, and foresee us continuing down our path for many more years to come.

To the OP's question, I really think you should listen to RJM, AngelicAssassin, and others about stepping things up. However, you should also really open up the communication lines with your wife. Really talk to her, tell her how you feel. Tell her what you don't like about what's she's doing, she may not be aware that she's doing anything wrong.

In a long term, familiar relationship, we get too comfy with each other. We tend to slip back into old habits. So reminding her that she shouldn't speak to you a certain way when you are in Dom mode might help you both until she gets used to things.

If I'm reading your post correctly, y'all switch, is this correct? Oh boy I think that would be very difficult to manage for me. It was hard enough to retrain myself to just be a sub, much less to add switching in there. However, I'm sure that it is not impossible, just remember it is going to be a challenge.

I hope that I have made a little bit of sense. Best of luck to you both, and my advice would be to not confuse the issue further with the addition of an outside Dom (or on-line Dom) at this point... just my opinion.

 

[JMohegan]

I have an inner Dom-dar. I come runnin' when one calls for me.

Well, now, that's a very admirable trait.

I've wondered about that myself, and I *think* the answer is no. He feels "bottomy" more often than we reverse roles, but he has others who fulfill that need for him as well. Because he does have others who can do that for him, it always makes me feel special when he asks for me to do it. Since I know I'm not nearly as a.) technically proficient or b.) sadistic/dominant as some of his other partners, it means a lot to me when he wants ME to Top him because I know I'm more special to him than just an interchangeable "play partner." I suppose that may be more of a relationship thing than a Top/bottom thing there, though.

This is really sweet, and I think you've hit on a key point for the OP to contemplate here.

 

[Ice2000]

I have to call bullshit on that very blanket statement...

I "came out" to my ex several years ago. He thought I was a bit off my rocker, and refused to do any research/study, or make any attempt to meet my D/s based needs; in fact, he encouraged me to find someone else to do "that stuff" with. After I left him, he made a point to ask me to please consider *not* exploring BDSM, as he felt I'd (obviously) either end up stuffed in an oil drum somewhere, or so brain washed/emotionally destroyed I'd be incapable of ever maintaining healthy adult relationships. About a year ago he informed me that after doing some online surveys, he had come to realize he leaned towards Dominance in relationships (ehhh... whatever, dude).

IMO, the idea that one "can't share" those dark secrets with their Lover has less to do with being submissive, than an unwillingness to be *that* vulnerable, and trust one's partner to Love you unconditionally...

*** Edited to add***

I am also one of those persons who didn't really accept my less than mainstream proclivities until after I'd hit 30, so it would probably be definitionally accurate to say I've gone from Vanilla to BDSM, and have zero desire to "go back".

Cutiemouse please reread my post and notice a few points I think you must have missed.

1. I am specifically talking about a vanilla relationship transforming to a BDSM successfully. Your situation failed. Its cool you had the nerve to communicate what you wanted, but the result you got is typical. And the relationship blew up.

2. I never said the lack of ability to communicate has anything to do with being submissive. I said it had to do with the relationship and how they viewed there partner. See my example "good guy, friend, father of children ect.", you totally missed my point.

3. I'm talking about a relationship going from vanilla to BDSM not a person.. I think all of us were vanilla at some point in our life.. Again you totally missed the point.


So with all this misinterpretation I agree... totally BS

 

[Ice2000]

Hate to break it to ya, but I'm one of the ones Catalina refers to. Married to my husband for 19 years this coming July, the first 14 of those were vanilla. I am owned and marked by Daddy, and foresee us continuing down our path for many more years to come.

lol dixicritter I didn't doubt Cat's word. But if you moved a relationship from vanilla to BDSM I say your that one in a hundred and have something very special.. I envy you.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[graceanne]

I could be a smart ass and edit the quote, but I won't.

PS- I am grumpy today; apologies for any rudeness or sharpness on my part.

You a smart ass? I don't believe it.

 

[Ice2000]

I could be a smart ass and edit the quote, but I won't.

PS- I am grumpy today; apologies for any rudeness or sharpness on my part.

I concede your point regarding my statement "This is a mental thing in a sub's head." I meant people in general, not specifically subs. Guess I said sub because I don't go wandering threw every ones thinking process.


lol.. I actually love your posts in general CutieMouse. Not to mention I'm a big boy with a thick skin...

so you keep right on saying exactly what you think I wouldn't want it any other way.

 

[Netzach]

This is a subject that fascinates the heck out of me. I have tried to understand it with my sub partners that are married. Generally it does not make logical sense to me at all. But generally it has been my experience that the answer to your question is NO.. she will never see you as a Dom.

I ask a ton of questions of my subs about there marriage/ husband relationships and responses to the question of.. Why don't your ask your hubby to do this(This being anything she finds exciting) range from..

Hell NO are you freaking crazy.. (the most common answer)

to..

I have and he has tried ... but its about as exciting as taking out the trash.

It has something to do with expectations of an established personality. She sees you as a friend, a good all round guy.. father of her kids perhaps. But she is looking for the bad guy.. perhaps someone that frightens her a little. And it excites the heck out of her. Its really hard to fill both rolls.

Wish I had better news.. but it is what it is.

I actually have some mileage with people who need the fantasy version of D/s, oh just a little. People who may have approached the wife at one point, maybe even played with her a little, but it's not as exciting.

I don't see these people as "real subs with complex needs" more as adrenaline junkies who may or may not be the former. X doesn't follow Y here - it's the issue of personality type not submissiveness.

 

[TheDivineMsM]

TheDivineMsM, I think these are great points/questions! As I was reading, it brought back memories of how difficult it was for my former play partner, male, also switch, to feel comfortable embracing his Dominance without feeling guilty in the beginning (we were both newbies together). He was raised with very feminist ideals and it took several months for him to feel ok giving orders firmly and with the expectation of obedience. (I on the other hand... LOL.)

Neon

P.S., I adore your AV, think it's pretty darn amazing.

Thanks for the compliment on the avi...
There is a whole...what is that under Divine...thread within my thread....LOL
Sorry didnt mean to H/J this one...it just makes me laugh the guesses...

 

[TheDivineMsM]

Is it?

I do think it's difficult to fill both roles, as well, but for most of us in the lifestyle who hope to have fulfilling relationships, we do need both.

I have been in a situation where a relationship has started out very heavy in the D/s sense, and petered off to where neither of us saw each other in those roles anymore. I would imagine that the challenge of keeping the D/s alive and kicking in a longterm relationship could be comparable to starting it up.

Seeing your dom cry or hearing your sub fart is probably not a major part of anyone's D/s fantasy, but both of these things exist in the reality of a close relationship. If the desire is mutual, I tend to believe that where there's a will there's a way.

I have to agree here in that i was involved in a vanilla relationship and it became D/s. Now we were not officially Dom and sub mind you, but i knew the look or the action when i had the green light and he the same for me. I found that in the context of a relationship...It wasnt always one way or the other, more something we did infact turn off and on according to whim and mood. But there was a lot of conversation...about limits and the like, course in the end...really because of the trust, knowledge of each other and respect between us...he didnt have any limits..

 

[Daddyslilpet]

lol dixicritter I didn't doubt Cat's word. But if you moved a relationship from vanilla to BDSM I say your that one in a hundred and have something very special.. I envy you.

Yes I do have something very special and I do know it is probably rare... I'll give you that one. However, blanket statements are dangerous.

 

[TooTiredToLive]

... And you need to believe that to be true to be able to communicate it to her.

Underline for emphasis is mine.

To me, this is a crucial point that (I believe) only eastern sun made clearly. For her to respect your role as Dominant when you are in the MD/fs mode, you must believe in your dominance before she will be able to. Don't play the role of Dominant - BE Dominant. Then she will be

"reminded that your power is real in her life, that you know her better than any of those anonymous strangers, and that she belongs to you."

 

[TheDivineMsM]

You called?

B. and I switch back and forth occasionally. Since we've always been this way, it just flows naturally, but we've always been very open with each other about our desires. I'd say in an established relationship, you'd really have to talk and set boundaries before you could become easily fluid.

Errrrr...did that even make sense?

Yes it did, espically the "fluid" remark...
My ex i mentioned earlier and i often spoke about how easy it was for us to switch...fluid being the term we used most. It was wild, because sometime the mood would strike to "switch" in mid scene, or play senario. It was very cool, and i enjoyed the flexibility very much between us.

 

[lostsavage]

Thanx for all the great advice. Just for clarification, my wife read the thread, and my use of D/s in her opinion and after read your replies was incorrect on my part. I was being very generic when top/bottom might have been a better choice of words and I see her point.

This life style change is something we are both enjoying, but after 15+ years we are not leaving each other. The sexual side of our relationship may be changing but we still love each other very much. We were very much vanilla, but we are also not living the D/s or Top/bottom life 24/7. We still have bills to pay dishes to clean and yard to maintain. It is the sexual area only that this applies to.

After much soul searching I have to admit that in our relationship I make a better bottom and she a better top. Part of it is due to my ability to be more fluid than her.


I know that this road is long and the race longer so sprinting is worthless. We have many years to explore and learn. it looks like the one theme from all the replies was very intense communication (which I already knew we had to do) but every ones perspective on this makes me feel like I am not alone.

You can be sure you will see more of me around these parts.

Much thanx

LS

 

[catalina_francisco]

We were very much vanilla, but we are also not living the D/s or Top/bottom life 24/7. We still have bills to pay dishes to clean and yard to maintain. It is the sexual area only that this applies to.



LS

Oh this is one of those popular misconceptions about 24/7....those of us who live it still do all those mundane things like working, paying bills, cleaning, cooking, socialising with friends and family, shopping etc. This thread addresses some of the aspects and misconceptions of 24/7 and you might find it fun to read.

Catalina

 

[Ice2000]

Thanx for all the great advice. Just for clarification, my wife read the thread, and my use of D/s in her opinion and after read your replies was incorrect on my part. I was being very generic when top/bottom might have been a better choice of words and I see her point.

This life style change is something we are both enjoying, but after 15+ years we are not leaving each other. The sexual side of our relationship may be changing but we still love each other very much. We were very much vanilla, but we are also not living the D/s or Top/bottom life 24/7. We still have bills to pay dishes to clean and yard to maintain. It is the sexual area only that this applies to.

After much soul searching I have to admit that in our relationship I make a better bottom and she a better top. Part of it is due to my ability to be more fluid than her.


I know that this road is long and the race longer so sprinting is worthless. We have many years to explore and learn. it looks like the one theme from all the replies was very intense communication (which I already knew we had to do) but every ones perspective on this makes me feel like I am not alone.

You can be sure you will see more of me around these parts.

Much thanx

LS

LS, It sounds like you got a great lady that loves you. That to me trumps any sexual preference.

If you are a dominate..then let it happen, I assure you, if its in you it will come out. But don't try to be a Dom if your not, because it is something that she is curious about. There is a ton of mental barriers you have to jump past. Its a bit more than buying a flogger swinging it.


I love all the lit support group wanting to help .. giving encouragement est. But sometimes a dose of reality is the best medicine.


Not to mention I enjoy playing the bad guy

 

[Marquis]

If you are a dominate..

Checkmate.

 

[wenchhh]

care to elaborate, Marquis?

Checkmate.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Checkmate.

care to elaborate, Marquis?

Verb versus noun.

 

[wenchhh]

Verb versus noun.

I don't agree, but whatev. Ya know the ole saying about opinions.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

I don't agree, but whatev. Ya know the ole saying about opinions.

Shrug. i believe in attention to detail. Different strokes.

 

[wenchhh]

Shrug. i believe in attention to detail. Different strokes.

It's interesting, I was just talking to someone about this thread, and how, even though people had different opinions, for the most part, everyone was really respectful of everyone else. It's pretty lame, if you ask me, to consider a point made or an arguement won, simply because of a type-o or spelling error. Who knows, the guy could have been multi tasking a sick granny at home, a million dollar business deal, a 911 call, and trying to give well intended advice at the same time.
Bottom line, isn't it great that we're all different, and have different views, beliefs, experiences, and that we live in a land where we're provided, for the most part these freedoms? I certainly have learned a lot on here from MANY different viewpoints and different styles, of living the lifestyle, or playing at it part time. How boring it would be if we all did/believed the same thing.