one of my stories

[HarleyGirl]

Yes DeSade, this is a feedback forum, and I appriciate your thoughts and comments.

Dialog between characters is a form of showing, instead of telling, the reader what is happening. I think its nessasary in order to create believable characters.

You don't go around doing things all day without saying a word, so why should they? But, that is my opinion, and you have yours. Neither is wrong, just different.

My reason for commenting at all was because you can't ask for an opinion and feedback and then be pissed because its not what you wanted to hear. You taunted Chardonnay into commenting, and then you were defensive about what she had to say.

Personally, I'd love to have an editor that took the time to point out every detail that needed to be fixed. Mine usually just say things like- your punctuation in chapter 7 needed attention, ect. ect.

Please take what is offered and put it to use- don't be a prick just because you can~

~HG~

 

[Kate.E]

Ohhhhh no. I posted with a typo. How will I ever sleep?

I know how ... soundly - safe in the knowledge that I'm correct in my observations of your 'work'. It sucks. The truth? you can't handle the truth.

any finished drafts you care to unleash then?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

"people fear what they dont understand"- old proverb? Are you sure you didn't heard it in an X-Files re-run?

 

[Guest]

My reason for commenting at all was because you can't ask for an opinion and feedback and then be pissed because its not what you wanted to hear. You taunted Chardonnay into commenting, and then you were defensive about what she had to say.

don't be a prick just because you can~

~HG~

1. I never taunted her or anyone else.
2. I wasnt defensive, just gave my opinion but that seems to be against the rules here.
3. being a prick? lol, thats your opinion, ok.

Lauren, it may be from X-Files but I heard it long before that show was created.
Kate E, you've been watching A Few Good Men too many times.

 

[Chardonnay]

1. I never taunted her or anyone else.

no response from Chardonnay the newbie? tsk tsk, for shame.

2. I wasnt defensive, just gave my opinion but that seems to be against the rules here.

1. does it really matter what they look like? no
2. does it matter what age she is or assumed to be? no
3. it doesnt matter where she lives
4. its not literature to you because you lack imagination
5. yes, I do plan to get published and then what will your comments be?

3. being a prick? lol, thats your opinion, ok.

I am a writer, I am allowed to be a prick to critics, it comes with the territory.

Are you okay over there De Sade?

 

[Guest]

Are you okay over there De Sade?

I am fine but I have doubts about some people here.

 

[HarleyGirl]

I didn't think I was reading things wrong!
Thanx, Char

 

[DarlingNikki]

...
2. I wasnt defensive, just gave my opinion but that seems to be against the rules here.
3. being a prick? lol, thats your opinion, ok.
...

I will post more despite the protesting from a few certain asshole critics who wouldn't know a great story if it bit them in the crotch.

Where does anyone get defensive prick from that? I mean, you were so gracious! Nancy Reagan couldn't have done a better job defending herself agains asshole critics! But at least we know you're going to post more stories! But when?! I'm excited to read more about nice sexy lengths!

Pretty please?

 

[Guest]

well, I didnt mention any names so I dont see what the fuss is about. For all you know Ii could be talking about people on a different message board. Paranoia will detroy ya.
I am only a prick to those who provoke me.

 

[DarlingNikki]

well, I didnt mention any names so I dont see what the fuss is about. For all you know Ii could be talking about people on a different message board. Paranoia will detroy ya.
I am only a prick to those who provoke me.

But De Sade, I'm confused. Why would you mention on Lit what people on a different message board are saying? Although I'm sorry to have to infer that they didn't like your stories over there. They must not know what they're talking about.

When are you going to post more stories? I'm beginning to think you aren't going to.

 

[Guest]

Dad's Friend

Rebecca had always been precocious and her body developed rapidly. When she was 15, grown men would mistake her for 21.
Becko, as her friends called her, dressed conservatively. Its not like she had a choice, her father was strict. He was a lawyer and was concerned about his reputation. He knew she was sexual. She had watched him showering on numerous ocassions.

One day while her father was on a fishing trip, Becko took photos of herself in erotic poses. She went through 2 rolls. Since daddy would be gone for the weekend, Becko decided to prance around the house nude. Much to her surprise, her dad told his friend Trevor to stop by and check on things. There was a knock on the front door. It was him.She invited him in, now wearing a skimpy dress.

They sat down and chatted. Becko flirted and revealed some cleavage. She was 19 and craved the attention of an older man.
She noticed a bulge in Trevor's pants. "Would you liek to see pics of me? I developed them yesterday" the young vixen asked.
"Sure. If I wasnt a trial lawyer, I'd like to be a photographer" he replied, taking his jacket off.

Trevor raised his eyebrows as he gazed at the nude photos. Becko loosened his belt. He slid his pants off. Now she was kneeling, taking his entire length in her mouth. "We shouldn't be doing this" the older man blurted. The young slut paid no attention and continued slurping and licking.
Then Becko disrobed and sat on the couch, legs open to give Trevor a better view. Trevor knelt down and tasted her fresh pussy. He sat on the couch and she sat down on his immense shaft. Trevor closed his eyes as he squeezed her supple tits. He pumped away at her tight hole.

.......how would you end the story?

Feedback is welcome so post away.

Okay... you're saying feedback is welcome, so here's my feedback: First, you need to work on knowing when to start a new paragraph, and when and where to use quotes and apostrophies. It also helps to keep your pronouns separated. For example, in the end of your first paragraph the pronouns get confusing because it's difficult to make the logical link between your last few sentences. Things to consider with the content itself: make better use of descriptive words and phrases. Other than that, all I can say is "Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!!" I hope this isn't the type of thing you're planning on publishing. You might just give your editor a heart attack.

-Xtaabay

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: one of my stories

Okay... you're saying feedback is welcome, so here's my feedback: First, you need to work on knowing when to start a new paragraph, and when and where to use quotes and apostrophies. It also helps to keep your pronouns separated. For example, in the end of your first paragraph the pronouns get confusing because it's difficult to make the logical link between your last few sentences. Things to consider with the content itself: make better use of descriptive words and phrases.
-Xtaabay

I'll keep that in mind and again, I do plan to get published. Believe me or not, thats your call.
So tell me,"experts", what else should I do with my writings?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Start over?

 

[Guest]

Start over?

I have. This time I am trying to write with a clear objective but not necessarily for readers. I have also submitted 4 poems to an alternative newspaper. It doesn't matter if I ever receive a Laureate award, I have people who tell me my writing is above average. As you can see, I am stubborn and that makes for a great writer...no?

 

[Byron In Exile]

Dad's Friend...

Feedback is welcome so post away.

Give up.

This time I am trying to write with a clear objective but not necessarily for readers.

Good idea. Your writing is clearly not for readers.

I have people who tell me my writing is above average.

I have people who tell me your writing is below average.

As you can see, I am stubborn and that makes for a great writer...no?

No.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: one of my stories

I wish I could come up with something witty to say besides rehashed juvenile material

give up, mice are smarter than you.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Re: Re: Re: one of my stories

give up, mice are smarter than you.

LOL

Liar, liar, your pants are on fire.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: one of my stories

give up, mice are smarter than you.

Mice are pretty damned smart. Apparently you've never watched them.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: Re: one of my stories

Mice are pretty damned smart. Apparently you've never watched them.

I had 2 of them as pets and I find that animals are smarter than most people I've met (or haven't met).

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: one of my stories

I had 2 of them as pets and I find that animals are smarter than most people I've met (or haven't met).

Then I'm sure you noticed that your mice were smarter than you

 

[Byron In Exile]

Re: Re: Re: one of my stories

give up, mice are smarter than you.

Wow. What a zinger that was.

Seriously, I agree with what others have said here: you should give up. Your "story," though incomplete, is really incredibly bad. That you even considered posting it and asking for comments, and then heaped abuse on everyone who tried to help you with it, shows that you've no sense, no taste, no class, and that none of that is ever likely to change.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: Re: one of my stories

Seriously, I agree with what others have said here: you should give up. Your "story," though incomplete, is really incredibly bad.

It's called fiction which means it should not be believed. What part of that do you not understand?
As for taste, sense and class, who are you to say what I do or don't possess? You have been among those who heaped abuse on me.
I simply posted a story and people ripped it apart without realizing it was not my best piece, nor that it isn't finished.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I beg to differ. You posted a request for feedback. If you did not want feedback, you should not have asked for it. Feedback means ripping a story apart, there's simply no other way to discuss the good points or the bad points without doing so.

Fiction does not have to be believed, but if you intend to get anywhere, it must be plausible.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

The story was finished before you decided to delete the final paragraph and ask how we would do it, so don't use it as an excuse.

I think everyone is sure this isn't your best piece; no one would be that convinced about their own ability to write if their best effort ever was that thing. Maybe this is just wishful thinking...

 

[lovechild27]

WElllll I did post in the How to board Id look at your stuff...i take that back. You have no freakin backbone. How are you ever supposed to get better if no one tells you how to fix your problems? IN all reality, it isnt that hard to be published. You didnt like what anyone had to say because it wasnt good. Critisim is called so because you CRITISISE. You will never get anywhere in any sort of writing buisness if you cant accept that not everything you put out...regardless of time spent...is going to be a piece of astounding writing.