One year without - advice?

mustang_driver

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It's now been over one year since my wife cut-off all sex and intimacy of any kind. No reason given and she won't talk about it. I crave her touch, I crave being able to hold and kiss her and yes, I crave the more intimate things. More importantly, my resentment towards her continues to grow because of her aloofness towards the whole topic. I don't feel like I can live like this much longer, but because I have a son at home that needs me I don't want to walk out on her. We've been married for 21 years, she's 43 and I'm 44. Thoughts?
 
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Time for a divorce. Don't stay together for the kid. Worst thing. Parents not liking each other in the house, no happyness. Be apart and happy. See your son as much as possible.
 
I agree with Pimpslap, it's time to divorce and move on. You're wife has already told you how important the relationship is to her. She won't even acknowledge or talk about the problem. It's both selfish and immature. Don't stick around for the kids. You're saying that you're beginning to resent her. it will only get worse and it is going to come out and that's not a great environment for the kids. I grew up in that environment. My parents stayed together for me and my brother. To this day my wife and my brother's wife say that me and my brother don't know how tone romantic, we don't know how to talk about our problems. It's because that's what we saw growing up.
 
Are you sure she *won't* talk about it, or is it more that she can't work out *how* to talk about it? I went off sex for a long time - years of us only having sex a couple of times a year. I have no idea why it happened (although I do know what fixed it, but that's another story). I still loved my husband to bits, but I knew he was going to leave me eventually, and I really wouldn't have blamed him. Luckily things got better ... but there's no way I could have articulated what was going on for me, because I didn't know myself.
That doesn't really answer your question, but if you can at least work out what the barrier is to talking, that might help.
 
I'm in a similar situation. Do you know what changed before this happened? (If anything)
If she won't talk about it, then your options are really limited. It's not an easy thing to discuss. Truth is sex is a big part of marriage, and I understand that resentment.
She needs to be willing to talk about it, the's going to be vital to resolving this, but I also know not everyone is willing to walk away "just" because of sex, there's a lot more to 20+ years of marriage, but you reach a point where this can't be forever right?
 
It's now been over one year since my wife cut-off all sex and intimacy of any kind. No reason given and she won't talk about it. I crave her touch, I crave being able to hold and kiss her and yes, I crave the more intimate things. More importantly, my resentment towards her continues to grow because of her aloofness towards the whole topic. I don't feel like I can live like this much longer, but because I have a son at home that needs me I don't want to walk out on her. We've been married for 21 years, she's 43 and I'm 44. Thoughts?

Get a friend with benefits.
 
Get a friend with benefits.

Only problem with that is that if/when she finds out and files for divorce, looks bad on him and may potentially effect child support, etc.

Regardless, if she is aloof about it, won't go to counseling with you and just there is nothing else you can do, then perhaps a break is imminent.

Exhaust your options first, but your happiness is important too.

Good luck and wish you the best on it.
 
I agree with Pimpslap, it's time to divorce and move on. You're wife has already told you how important the relationship is to her. She won't even acknowledge or talk about the problem. It's both selfish and immature. Don't stick around for the kids. You're saying that you're beginning to resent her. it will only get worse and it is going to come out and that's not a great environment for the kids. I grew up in that environment. My parents stayed together for me and my brother. To this day my wife and my brother's wife say that me and my brother don't know how tone romantic, we don't know how to talk about our problems. It's because that's what we saw growing up.


Thank you. How it will effect my kids in their future relationships has become increasingly concerning to me as of late. I appreciate your insight on this.
 
Thank you. How it will effect my kids in their future relationships has become increasingly concerning to me as of late. I appreciate your insight on this.

All the research says that yes, the children of divorced parents are statistically more likely to divorce themselves. However, that's only a problem if you see longevity as the primary marker of a 'successful' marriage. One could equally argue that the children of divorced parents are less likely to settle for something that's not making them happy, because they know that marriage doesn't have to be forever.
To pick up on the previous comments, my parents divorced when I was 10. Me and my brother were mostly relieved. I've been with my husband for 16 years - so the statistics are just likelihoods, not inevitabilities.
But I reiterate my earlier statement - what you're reading as 'refusal' to talk might be difficulty finding a way to actually articulate what's going on.
 
Are you sure she *won't* talk about it, or is it more that she can't work out *how* to talk about it? I went off sex for a long time - years of us only having sex a couple of times a year. I have no idea why it happened (although I do know what fixed it, but that's another story). I still loved my husband to bits, but I knew he was going to leave me eventually, and I really wouldn't have blamed him. Luckily things got better ... but there's no way I could have articulated what was going on for me, because I didn't know myself.
That doesn't really answer your question, but if you can at least work out what the barrier is to talking, that might help.

This is a fair point to which I don't know the answer. At some point she became very angry towards me, I don't know why, and that's when the sex stopped. That went on for a while but things seemed to have improved substantially over the last six months. I stopped trying for a while and just focused on doing things to help make us better, doing the things she asked for. I tries again recently and got shut down immediately. The only thing she will say is that "it's not all about sex".

Thank you for your input.
 
This is a fair point to which I don't know the answer. At some point she became very angry towards me, I don't know why, and that's when the sex stopped. That went on for a while but things seemed to have improved substantially over the last six months. I stopped trying for a while and just focused on doing things to help make us better, doing the things she asked for. I tries again recently and got shut down immediately. The only thing she will say is that "it's not all about sex".

Thank you for your input.

I'm with the above poster who said 'counselling'. No matter how pissed your wife is, she must know this isn't really OK. (I certainly did.) And it definitely sounds like its a symptom of something bigger.
 
I'm in a similar situation. Do you know what changed before this happened? (If anything)
If she won't talk about it, then your options are really limited. It's not an easy thing to discuss. Truth is sex is a big part of marriage, and I understand that resentment.
She needs to be willing to talk about it, the's going to be vital to resolving this, but I also know not everyone is willing to walk away "just" because of sex, there's a lot more to 20+ years of marriage, but you reach a point where this can't be forever right?

Thank you for your response. She became very angry and resentful towards me around this time, but never has told me why. The one major change that did happen is that she started working again after being an at home Mom for many years. This was by her choice. It's not uncommon for her to avoid talking about anything uncomfortable.

I don't know, the more I respond to all of your questions the more I wonder why I put up with all of her bs.
 
Might this be one expression of clinical depression of some kind?

In case it is, three things from our experience which was a period of 18 months with no sex and very little intimacy as a consequence of the depression my wife suffered.

I managed to bring her back to the consolation of touch and kissing by guaranteeing no further than that until such time as she wanted more.

With medication and counselling ongoing, the time came, on a holiday away, that she felt able to offer me her body. Before the week was done we regained orgasmic sex for her.

Three years on now and it's the best often.

MD I know not every story has a happy ending. But I was in a place of woe and grief and sleeplessness, and we didn't know how to talk about what was happening to us, for months.

And then it came right. You know where your heart is.

Simon
 
Might this be one expression of clinical depression of some kind?

In case it is, three things from our experience which was a period of 18 months with no sex and very little intimacy as a consequence of the depression my wife suffered.

I managed to bring her back to the consolation of touch and kissing by guaranteeing no further than that until such time as she wanted more.

With medication and counselling ongoing, the time came, on a holiday away, that she felt able to offer me her body. Before the week was done we regained orgasmic sex for her.

Three years on now and it's the best often.

MD I know not every story has a happy ending. But I was in a place of woe and grief and sleeplessness, and we didn't know how to talk about what was happening to us, for months.

And then it came right. You know where your heart is.

Simon

That's a lovely story - so much care and love.
 
Might this be one expression of clinical depression of some kind?

In case it is, three things from our experience which was a period of 18 months with no sex and very little intimacy as a consequence of the depression my wife suffered.

I managed to bring her back to the consolation of touch and kissing by guaranteeing no further than that until such time as she wanted more.

With medication and counselling ongoing, the time came, on a holiday away, that she felt able to offer me her body. Before the week was done we regained orgasmic sex for her.

Three years on now and it's the best often.

MD I know not every story has a happy ending. But I was in a place of woe and grief and sleeplessness, and we didn't know how to talk about what was happening to us, for months.

And then it came right. You know where your heart is.

Simon

Thanks Simon. This certainly provides reason for optimism. Happy to hear things have worked out for you.
 
I'd like to ask, not accusingly, but was there anything that you were doing, or that may have appeared to be doing that could have hurt her? You don't have to share it here, but think HARD, really inspect what you were doing? Were you supportive of her decision to go back to work? Did you say something that seemed to spark this? Can you pinpoint any of it to anything however minor? :(
I'm sorry I truly am.
 
She won't do Marriage Counselling. I've asked for it. I will probably start doing counselling on my own to help me process this.

Sounds like she is "punishing" you for something? Sounds like sort or emotional abuse. Go out with your buddies on the weekend. Take your child to the park or the movies. Don't focus on her, instead focus on yourself and your child's well being. And yes, seems like you need to move on. My parents divorced when I was young, remarried other people and ended up divorcing them too.

The only effect those memories had on me are to work together with my partner to maintain a happy marriage and a top priority and to make sure my child is happy and has the freedom to evolve without any negative interference from adults' problems. :rose:
 
If you want to rekindle, read athol kaye. If not, divorce. Read up on that too. You can bet she has.
 
Thank you for your response. She became very angry and resentful towards me around this time, but never has told me why. The one major change that did happen is that she started working again after being an at home Mom for many years. This was by her choice. It's not uncommon for her to avoid talking about anything uncomfortable.

I don't know, the more I respond to all of your questions the more I wonder why I put up with all of her bs.

If the genders were reversed, most people would at least suspect an affair with someone in the new environment. it is not at all uncommon for the person having the affair to become resentful of the person that is not. Projection is a very common defense mechanism people employ to feel good about their bad behavior.
 
She was upset with you, then went back to work?
She's planning her future. Setting herself up for the time she will no longer need you financially. She didn't just get pissed off one day and shut you off. Something happened, or she thinks something happened.
 
It's now been over one year since my wife cut-off all sex and intimacy of any kind. No reason given and she won't talk about it. I crave her touch, I crave being able to hold and kiss her and yes, I crave the more intimate things. More importantly, my resentment towards her continues to grow because of her aloofness towards the whole topic. I don't feel like I can live like this much longer, but because I have a son at home that needs me I don't want to walk out on her. We've been married for 21 years, she's 43 and I'm 44. Thoughts?[/QUOT

My wife says,.."sell the Mustang"
 
Did the distribution of household responsibilities change when she went back to work?
 
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