Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[fawnie]

Re: Re: Re: 2nd draft

Hey Fawnie....your mailbox is full....trying to send you a PM

Time for some housecleaning!! Get to it.


Born Too Late - new poem......please read!

even now - new poem......please read.

dusting's done

 

[Syndra Lynn]

Re: 2nd draft

one day in December


trembling in the closing arms
of winter,
so many hands
to clothe your numbness, warm you
as they dab the frost from your cheeks
and forehead, brand you
with their cuddling love.

the hour of ice,
the final test
before the frightening dogs of midnight
call you home
with their muscular barks, howling
from incessant hunger, cold
and selfish in their lust.

tomorrow
they plant a stone for you,
white marble, to bear
your name and numbers,
but now
is your moment of warmth and glory
as the flesh ropes of your daughters
and their daughters, the remarkable forest
of your seed,
wrap you like flaming vines
and lower you gently down.

Lovely work, lovely one. small suggestion:

....
as they dab frost from your cheeks,
forehead, brand you
with their cuddling love.


the hour of ice,
one final test
before frightening dogs of midnight
call you home
with muscular barks, howling
...

not much but maybe a help?

Syn

 

[lipsticksunset1984]

-

 

[Syndra Lynn]

Re: something i've been working on...

Originally posted by lipsticksunset1984

she peeks
at the genius
of October orange
tangerine jingles
a long-lost friend


Welcome! This is wonderful.

Syn

 

[fawnie]

help me with stanza and grammer please

 

[Randi Grail]

Re: help me with stanza and grammer please

since most are fragmented sentences, i want to learn how and when to use commas, and i noticed how you keep the flow perfected by using the first word of the next stanza as the last word in the previous. anyhow, i'm asking for help..someone care to teach me?
~muahh~

First of all, I din't think that you really need punctuation here, and that it only clogs up the flow of a poem when you read it sometimes.

But here is, for better or worse, how I'd done it. Take away the line breaks and see where you'd put the commas and stuff if it was regular prose, then add line breaks again:


In trenches,
caverns deep,
where blood runs thick,
clogging hearts.

Soiled recalls,
tattered trinkets of yesterday
course through veins
made of iron.
No feel of flesh,
just cold dead steal
pumping exsistence,
not life.

Love reaching in
liquifies steal, (Should that perhaps be 'liquifying', and 'steel' instead of steal?)
melting iron,
warming trenches,
thinning blood.

Love reaching out,
bleeding robots,
drowning exsitence,
turning metal to flesh.

 

[Randi Grail]

Here is a new style for me, more fragmented than I'm used to. Any pointers in how to get the message across would be great.

Randi




Things learned from 13 year old girls

Psst!
Hey!
Thank you,

you five
over there.

You made me see
you got it right,
I almost lost
that taste.

You do and you don't
skip hop left to right
to left - remember
yes remember
how to play
under a forgiving sun.

Squint
swoon
smile.

Lie together
on warm grass
giggle
gossip

close circle flower shape,
forehead to forehead,
arms around shoulders.

As if safe,
like it should be,
tall grass ticking
bare soles at your
outer perimeter
the only threat

to a perfect circle.

And you know
that storms rage
inside your flutter
bouncing bubbling
to burst free

but no matter
it is life on a threshold
and the way to be.

Thank you,
I will leave now
to fantastic folly
short breaths
flutter
swoons
smiles
warm grass
and forgiving sun

close my eyes
let conformity slide
and remember a yesterday

that resides within
as long as
young
hearts
beat.

 

[tarablackwood22]

Randi -- looks good to me -- I'd put 'young and 'hearts' on the same line.........other than that, I think it's broken up fine.

 

[tarablackwood22]

2 nd draft

-

 

[fawnie]

Through The Eyes Of A Child

 

[fawnie]

Re: Through The Eyes Of A Child

like circus-clown memories
mystical maddness
days spent in mourning
not death
but life, beside
a cauldren of curses
a language
insane,

look at me...

slap!

look at me...

slap!

seeing eyes burning hatred
titantic ice.

pungent words
too foul for young ears
cutting and
mincing
raw heart
for the stew.

evening erases
nightmares awaken

fear that once slumbered
conquering reminders
of midnights dark hour
that chained a young soul.

escape made simple
in the room where she lay

embraces restoring
with butterfly kisses
loving eyes
tender touch
reminders of why
nightmares best forgotten
mommies fear fades away

i took the "mommies" out and it didn't seem as clear, any suggestions?

 

[fawnie]

Re: Re: Through The Eyes Of A Child

 

[tarablackwood22]

1st draft

-

 

[Tathagata]

3rd draft

.....

 

[tarablackwood22]

2nd draft

-

 

[echoes_s]

Tara

havent worked this out yet...but here it is

Francine

Her mailbox painted
midnight blue,
scattered luminous
flaxen star and moons,
smiled promising
Francine in
loopy silver script
while the wind
whispered of lark and loon
flockless feathers
in a battered trailer
down by the river swing
set amongst trees,
nameless shanks of rusting metal
poked through dirty snow
lost and given up
the first I came to visit

In the summer
sprays of goldenrod and jewelweed
weaved through adding
luster, mystery
But right now trees wasted
and scabbed leaves
hung from limbs
like rotten bandages
never able to quite reach inside
and mend her broken heart
as she still whispered
predicting her own son’s
death, young

Inside while circle painted
the floor
shimmered coats differentiated
into hundreds of icons
charms, pentacles, scarabs,
horseshoes, crosses
and devil’s masks
The Horus Eye,
a Plaster-of-Paris ascending dove
Dolls twisted from corn husks
leather layered and stretched
to cure,
the old fashioned way
for hand stitched moccasins,
caring scattered beads of life,
of meaning

Dream catchers bent from bittersweet
necklace of cowry shells
and a rosary of sharp blue stones
Snow White,
George and his dragon
The head of my pretty pony unicorn
Virgin Mary’s, some with Christ child.
A curtain of crystal flickering
rainbows over light
and a plush red lazy-boy
sitting alone in the center.
The ceiling above glittered
a galaxy of miniature flashing lights
all constellations and astrological signs

Her hands delicate
clever nails painted perfect
almost fake
and voice speaks with trembled husk
“I see an aura pale
nudged by the past
flashes of sulphur
anger swelled
careful dear,
you are one of us
psychic, ambering
Stay awhile and let me teach you”

My laughter of disbelief flowed
the first time,
a thought slipping of truth
Yet the first time I predicted
without her
understanding and accurate
I packed everything away
except for the moccasin of fleet
made especially for me
my gypsy bag
a safe keeping for insane
home for mute
closed inside a locked pyramid


edit to say kids are leaving for the summer in two days now and i have much much to do...

 

[tarablackwood22]

Re: Tara

havent worked this out yet...but here it is

Francine

Her mailbox painted
midnight blue,
scattered luminous
flaxen star and moons,
smiled promising
Francine in
loopy silver script
while the wind
whispered of lark and loon
flockless feathers
in a battered trailer
down by the river swing
set amongst trees,
nameless shanks of rusting metal
poked through dirty snow
lost and given up
the first I came to visit

In the summer
sprays of goldenrod and jewelweed
weaved through adding
luster, mystery
But right now trees wasted
and scabbed leaves
hung from limbs
like rotten bandages
never able to quite reach inside
and mend her broken heart
as she still whispered
predicting her own son’s
death, young

Inside while circle painted
the floor
shimmered coats differentiated
into hundreds of icons
charms, pentacles, scarabs,
horseshoes, crosses
and devil’s masks
The Horus Eye,
a Plaster-of-Paris ascending dove
Dolls twisted from corn husks
leather layered and stretched
to cure,
the old fashioned way
for hand stitched moccasins,
caring scattered beads of life,
of meaning

Dream catchers bent from bittersweet
necklace of cowry shells
and a rosary of sharp blue stones
Snow White,
George and his dragon
The head of my pretty pony unicorn
Virgin Mary’s, some with Christ child.
A curtain of crystal flickering
rainbows over light
and a plush red lazy-boy
sitting alone in the center.
The ceiling above glittered
a galaxy of miniature flashing lights
all constellations and astrological signs

Her hands delicate
clever nails painted perfect
almost fake
and voice speaks with trembled husk
“I see an aura pale
nudged by the past
flashes of sulphur
anger swelled
careful dear,
you are one of us
psychic, ambering
Stay awhile and let me teach you”

My laughter of disbelief flowed
the first time,
a thought slipping of truth
Yet the first time I predicted
without her
understanding and accurate
I packed everything away
except for the moccasin of fleet
made especially for me
my gypsy bag
a safe keeping for insane
home for mute
closed inside a locked pyramid


edit to say kids are leaving for the summer in two days now and i have much much to do...

Tell me when it's done, echoes. We'll post our gypsies together!

 

[Tathagata]

4th draft

.....

 

[Tathagata]

5th ( and final??)

.....

 

[tarablackwood22]

Re: 5th ( and final??)

By the cliffs of Carrickfergus,
where salty spray is forced
upon you
like the wafer,

"Take it, my beloved son,
and your sins are absolved."

I blaspheme, steam breath
in a quick, cold wind,
and stumble off
for a poet's pint.

I recall meeting you there
by jigsaw towers, boulders tossed,
built up with dreams and myths....

another realm,
or just another life?

Your hair like a sunset,
plums and hibiscus, already bruised,
and I was there
to make it better.

Wasn't I ?

We summoned giants, teased
banshees, till the wails echoed
like a prayer
Keening for it's own demise.

But I with my whiskey and love for you
feared naught,
for your hand in mine
set my powers free.

And the waves beckon in Innisfree
with sea shell grins
and sand-rumbling laughs that mocks
my love.

"Come", it calls, opening
to me as you used to......

Ah. my love,
anam cara.....
I knew I'd eat pain and death
(my daily bread,
an undercurrent,
a Low pipe drone).....

I went willingly.

But this farce, this wall
of shadows,
this puppet show:

Pagan masks, bleached
and unbelieving
to hide the fear of knowledge.

Cowards
Fuckers
Come on!
Here...Right Fucking Here!

The cliffs stare back.....
silent,
care-worn observers
of the tragic tale.

And I get no takers.

They are content to leave me
with your faded memory,
ghost kisses,
thistle fluff, a wisp
of your hair
brushing my cheek,
your cries of passion
there in crashing waves.

They watch from afar
as I'm enveloped, staggered
with sharpened memories

They are evil,
after all.

Looks great to me, Brian Boru....


the ghosts of daddy's pool hall -new poem......please read!

the eyes of future mornings -new poem......please read.

 

[lipsticksunset1984]

the rag men

-

 

[tarablackwood22]

2nd draft

-

 

[tarablackwood22]

3rd draft.......+ minor edits

-

 

[Liar]

Not sure this is up to par with the other Definition poems. Need to mull it over for a while. Any improvement suggestions are welcome.


Definition: Diane

A little bit more
than the average person
in every slice of life.

Too blue eyes,
too milky white skin,
too luscious lips, heels, hips
and ambition alike.

Bipolar baby, tantrum dream,
fire and ice and whipped cream
dripping slipping down
in between.

Diane of love
like noone else
in red, always red
and lavender lace.

Too much expression
for just one face.

Mouth closed
around a bright blue
lollipop,
lashes fluttering
      don't you dare to break
      my spell and your stare
while lavender and red
slid over sweetest of pink
pointed straight ahead.

      come closer, I don't bite
      but I just might today
      and yes,
      right there,
      you may

She came from the mountains
like a cliché
to rock my urban
on the rebound
ricochet world.

And I seized for a while
      Carpe Diane
with all my might
until kissed and mist
swirled her away.

She left with the summer
to strike like lightning
somewhere else.

 

[Liar]

Re: 3rd draft............

Yep, tara. Getting better and better.