Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[Angeline]

It's an ode, strophe, antistrophe, and epode.

I agree that eastern_sun has written a good poem that provides insight into the lifestyle rather than handing a raw description of something many of us can't understand.

Eastern (or Sun? Maybe e-sun?) congrats on covering the theme well and on selecting a formula that actually does serve the subject well. As Angeline says, you may want to search a little harder for the perfect word rather than depending on modified archaic constructs to fit your particular metre. I would have to examine the form more closely than I have time to do in order to critique your verse so I'll just offer this comment and my thanks for sharing your poetry.

Merci. I never know which form is which (with a few exceptions) unless I check my Turco.

 

[Angeline]

ok, this came in a very male 1950's english, dry, almost monotone voice


uninvited

dry crumbs in sleep's soft bed of thought
more plentiful than peas in books
or trolls beneath the bridges brooked
and ticked and tocked by errant hooves

they count the clock's infernal beat
dry crumbs in sleep's soft bed of thought
they twist and fidget where they ought
to hush and shush and quit their talk

they dangle dates behind your eyes
where just a sweet brief nap you sought
dry crumbs in sleep's soft bed of thoughts
those uninvited petty crooks

a knock you'll hear where none exists
the uninvited plague repose
a million questions they'll suppose
dry crumbs in sleep's soft bed of thoughts









played with it a bit, but depending on feedback it could stand some improvement

so, where do i go with this? there are a few places it feels 'off' compared to the rest. i don't want to change its voice, but if i can get it 100% (or close enough) to what it really needs to feel right to me then i'll be a happy bunny. if that means changing the rhyme scheme, so be it. the one thing i don't want to change is that one repeated line that drops down line by line each verse.

for example - should the 'your' and 'you' in v3 be better as 'ones' or would that make it too personal a write (to the narrator) whereas the 'your' and 'you' are inclusive of the reader?:


they dangle dates behind ones eyes
where just a sweet brief nap one sought
dry crumbs in sleep's soft bed of thoughts
those uninvited petty crooks

and in v4 'a knock you'll hear where none exists' - should that be 'a knock is heard where none exists'? part of me wants to keep the you side of things, a part's edgy for the one-stuff for a sound-link with 'uninvited'. i'm concerned it would lose more than it gains, though.

'crooks' i feel like changing to 'sorts' or 'types' but then i'll have created a rhyme scheme that doesn't include the other verses.

*shakes head*

It has a lovely tension between sweet repose and the crumbs (literal or figurative) that keep us from it. I know you don't want to change the repeating line, but I'd try for something more interesting than "soft," which to me borders on banal. Maybe something like "deep," which is a little more ambiguous but maybe I haven't a clue.

"peas in books" I don't get and maybe that's cultural and peas in my book would make an unwelcome mess. Maybe "p's" or even "b's"?

Beginning of next strophe maybe "that" instead of "they"? And then "to twist and fidget..."?

third stophe maybe "dangle days" instead of "dates"? And the following line sounds convoluted and therefore awkward to me--you could say "when just a sweet brief nap is sought"

fourth strophe I might go with "the knock you hear where none exists" to get away from "you'll" I agree that you want to stick with either second person "you" or third person "one" and not mix them together. Just my opinion but I think it would throw the poem off

And I like "crooks"--find it a whimsical touch and more specific than sorts or types is always better to me

Also I think you are intentionally leaving punctuation out until you finalize this, yes? That's what I usually do and mention it because there are places that need it, but I bet that's the plan.

Hope this helps some. If so, yay! If no, just my opinions and no worries here.

 

[butters]

It has a lovely tension between sweet repose and the crumbs (literal or figurative) that keep us from it. I know you don't want to change the repeating line, but I'd try for something more interesting than "soft," which to me borders on banal. Maybe something like "deep," which is a little more ambiguous but maybe I haven't a clue.

"peas in books" I don't get and maybe that's cultural and peas in my book would make an unwelcome mess. Maybe "p's" or even "b's"?

Beginning of next strophe maybe "that" instead of "they"? And then "to twist and fidget..."?

third stophe maybe "dangle days" instead of "dates"? And the following line sounds convoluted and therefore awkward to me--you could say "when just a sweet brief nap is sought"

fourth strophe I might go with "the knock you hear where none exists" to get away from "you'll" I agree that you want to stick with either second person "you" or third person "one" and not mix them together. Just my opinion but I think it would throw the poem off

And I like "crooks"--find it a whimsical touch and more specific than sorts or types is always better to me

Also I think you are intentionally leaving punctuation out until you finalize this, yes? That's what I usually do and mention it because there are places that need it, but I bet that's the plan.

Hope this helps some. If so, yay! If no, just my opinions and no worries here.

thanks, hon i'll take this all on board when i look at this later on and twiddle accordingly.

the peas = the pea beneath the mattresses of the princess keeping her awake - lots of copies of the book, hence peas it sort of happened along with the soft (sleep/mattress, you know where i'm at). and 'deep' works even better. i KNEW i could rely on you guys

definitely like 'dangle days' over 'dates'... i did have it in there, but yeah, removed it all to see it more 'clearly', how one word played off the next and its previous neighbour.

 

[eastern sun]

Hi. I'm not going to comment too much here because I'm not sure what this form is though I see it's divided into ten line stanzas with a repeating words and rhymes. It sort of looks like a sestina but I know it isn't.

I think poems on this theme (D/s) are really hard to write well, to make universal and not full of cliche. And I think you've done that admirably, got past the cliche to raise questions about what this way of loving means. That is very, very good imo. On the other hand the poem feels kind of overwrought to me with too many words and a few archaic constructions (like "flick'ring"). It may be the constrainst of the form that make me think this, but either way I admire you for taking on this very overwritten theme (at least here at Lit) and doing it as well as you have, making it universal instead of individual, imo.

It's an ode, strophe, antistrophe, and epode.

I agree that eastern_sun has written a good poem that provides insight into the lifestyle rather than handing a raw description of something many of us can't understand.

Eastern (or Sun? Maybe e-sun?) congrats on covering the theme well and on selecting a formula that actually does serve the subject well. As Angeline says, you may want to search a little harder for the perfect word rather than depending on modified archaic constructs to fit your particular metre. I would have to examine the form more closely than I have time to do in order to critique your verse so I'll just offer this comment and my thanks for sharing your poetry.

Thank you very much for your comments. I agree that it feels a bit "overwrought" and that I could choose my words more carefully. This first attempt has all the marks of pinched concepts and empty phrases you might expect when trying to make something raw and energetic fit into a a regular rhythm and rhyming pattern. But I think I will go at it again.

In its original form, the ode is chanted by a chorus, and I think it would be a good idea for me to pay more attention to its nature as a "spoken event." I know that the antistrophe is meant to signal a change in direction, and that the epode is ideally a synthesis. But the idea that the ode is also spoken in unison by a group as "witness" to the events/moments described could offer interesting perspectives that I didn't really take advantage of.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback. I'll come back and visit again.

 

[butters]

round 2:

uninvited

dry crumbs in sleep's deep bed of thought
more plentiful than peas in books
or trolls beneath the bridges brooked
and ticked and tocked by errant hooves

they count the clock's infernal beat
dry crumbs in sleep's deep bed of thought
then twist and fidget where they ought
to hush and shush and quit their talk

they dangle days behind your eyes
when just a sweet brief nap is sought
dry crumbs in sleep's deep bed of thoughts
those uninvited petty crooks

they are the knock where none exists
the uninvited plague repose
a million questions they'll suppose
dry crumbs in sleep's deep bed of thoughts







still thinking about the punctuation, Ang. thanks for the suggestions

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I'm fiddling with a sestina (yes I know I'm nuts!) and I need a word for the second line. I did have 'ear' but it's very hard to put ear on the end of several lines.

A travelling storyteller in days of old
beguiled, enthralled each listening .......

any ideas welcome!

 

[Angeline]

I'm fiddling with a sestina (yes I know I'm nuts!) and I need a word for the second line. I did have 'ear' but it's very hard to put ear on the end of several lines.

A travelling storyteller in days of old
beguiled, enthralled each listening .......

any ideas welcome!

here's a couple of thoughts:

1) hear
2) near
3) clear

You might have to fiddle with punctuation and enjamb but I think "ear" over and over wouldn't work either. Alternatively change "listening" to something else and you may open up your options. And when all else fails there's always the Rhyme Zone.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

here's a couple of thoughts:

1) hear
2) near
3) clear

You might have to fiddle with punctuation and enjamb but I think "ear" over and over wouldn't work either. Alternatively change "listening" to something else and you may open up your options. And when all else fails there's always the Rhyme Zone.

I'm not rhyming it! A rhyming sestina OMG I'm not utterly crazy just yet!

 

[eastern sun]

I'm not rhyming it! A rhyming sestina OMG I'm not utterly crazy just yet!

how about "child"?

or some other person-word?

 

[UnderYourSpell]

how about "child"?

or some other person-word?

No child wouldn't work as it get's sexy later so not man either and woman is too long, good thinking though and thanks for trying. I did wonder about soul but that sounds a bit whimsical

 

[Obsequium]

What the hell...

Spent weeks reading books on form and writing of poetry... Still trying to figure a great many things out. Could use some feedback on a couple pieces...

Lighthouse 1201

A world digested threw souls windows,
None touches or feels or knows.
Tempest to calm the lighthouse bright,
Entombed within the fog.

Those lost within the ebb and flow,
Caught in the maelstroms current,
Sees the flash, alters course,
The lookouts due diligence.

A glance, a peek, espied, then gone.
Anothers path again illuminated,
Ever watchful the sentinel stands,
An illusion to brightly shrouded.

 

[Obsequium]

Another...

I thought it would be easier if I posted the poems separately...


No worries! I write,
To my friend, once paphian.
As I walk away,
The unbreakable Lady,
Now fine and grounded.

The aftermath did leave a token.
Swallowing another dose.
As prescribed by the doctor,
Three times a day with water,
Of Bactrum, Phenazopyrid and pride.

A little gift of my sharing,
As you so eloquently put it.
I thought of you often,
In the fevered pain,
Every time I pissed out razors.

Just an afterthought, today,
Less then, by tomorrow.
Raising a glass of cranberry.
In the end I can claim,
"Cheers!" to God's wicked humor.

 

[Obsequium]

I'm fiddling with a sestina (yes I know I'm nuts!) and I need a word for the second line. I did have 'ear' but it's very hard to put ear on the end of several lines.

A travelling storyteller in days of old
beguiled, enthralled each listening .......

any ideas welcome!

- ego. - body. - entity

- mind. - self

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Spent weeks reading books on form and writing of poetry... Still trying to figure a great many things out. Could use some feedback on a couple pieces...

Lighthouse 1201

A world digested threw souls windows,
None touches or feels or knows.
Tempest to calm the lighthouse bright,
Entombed within the fog.

Those lost within the ebb and flow,
Caught in the maelstroms current,
Sees the flash, alters course,
The lookouts due diligence.

A glance, a peek, espied, then gone.
Anothers path again illuminated,
Ever watchful the sentinel stands,
An illusion to brightly shrouded.

It seems to me that your words don't flow as if they are just statements of fact but that could be that a capital letter at the beginning of each line makes me pause in the wrong places. A typo I think in line one first stanza I think 'threw should be through and last line third stanza should be 'too'

- ego. - body. - entity

- mind. - self

Thank you for those but I find them too 'hard' I have settled for 'maid' at the moment altho that could change

 

[butters]

round 3

uninvited

dry crumbs in sleep's deep bed of thought,
more plentiful than peas in books
or trolls beneath the bridges, brooked
and ticked and tocked by errant hooves.

they count the clock's infernal beat,
dry crumbs in sleep's deep bed of thought,
then twist and fidget where they ought
to hush and shush and quit their talk.

they dangle days behind your eyes
when just a sweet, brief nap is sought;
dry crumbs in sleep's deep bed of thoughts
those uninvited, petty crooks.

they are the knock where none exists,
the uninvited plague repose;
a million questions they'll suppose,
dry crumbs in sleep's deep bed of thoughts.





not used to using as much punctuation.
think i'll sub this and see if it gets sucked.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

uninvited

dry crumbs in sleep's deep bed of thought,
more plentiful than peas in books
or trolls beneath the bridges, brooked
and ticked and tocked by errant hooves.

they count the clock's infernal beat,
dry crumbs in sleep's deep bed of thought,
then twist and fidget where they ought
to hush and shush and quit their talk.

they dangle days behind your eyes
when just a sweet, brief nap is sought;
dry crumbs in sleep's deep bed of thoughts
those uninvited, petty crooks.

they are the knock where none exists,
the uninvited plague repose;
a million questions they'll suppose,
dry crumbs in sleep's deep bed of thoughts.





not used to using as much punctuation.
think i'll sub this and see if it gets sucked.

missed you starting this but ...... peas in books?

 

[butters]

missed you starting this but ...... peas in books?

crumbs in the bed, pea beneath the princess' mattress? story books?

seems a number of people aren't getting that reference, though i was sure they would when i followed it up with the troll beneath the bridge and the hooves aka billy goats gruff

 

[UnderYourSpell]

crumbs in the bed, pea beneath the princess' mattress? story books?

seems a number of people aren't getting that reference, though i was sure they would when i followed it up with the troll beneath the bridge and the hooves aka billy goats gruff

Oh I thought you were referrring to P's lol sorreeee got the giggles now

 

[butters]

Oh I thought you were referrring to P's lol sorreeee got the giggles now

P's or pees in the bed?

stoppit, woman

 

[UnderYourSpell]

P's or pees in the bed?

stoppit, woman

not peeeeeeee's tut dreadful woman
a perfect example of a misread poem? !!

 

[butters]

not peeeeeeee's tut dreadful woman
a perfect example of a misread poem? !!

i was about to get out a mattress protector

 

[UnderYourSpell]

i was about to get out a mattress protector

How did this conversation get so kinky? I blame you entirely (drat there's not a smiley on here for angel)

 

[twelveoone]

Spent weeks reading books on form and writing of poetry... Still trying to figure a great many things out. Could use some feedback on a couple pieces...

Lighthouse 1201

A world digested threw souls windows,
None touches or feels or knows.
Tempest to calm the lighthouse bright,
Entombed within the fog.

Those lost within the ebb and flow,
Caught in the maelstroms current,
Sees the flash, alters course,
The lookouts due diligence.

A glance, a peek, espied, then gone.
Anothers path again illuminated,
Ever watchful the sentinel stands,
An illusion to brightly shrouded.

I'm sure you don't want a Freudian on this..
this is tricky:
A world digested threw souls windows,
I would leave it, it is a lighthouse and it does throw souls windows (though the fog)
Rule of thumb, anything that can be perceived as a mistake, will be. Find away to repeat, somehow a similar "mistake"
Which I think you tried here:
An illusion to brightly shrouded.
Q. what do you want illusion or allusion and the preposition must be aligned as to direction, this reads to (the) brightly shrouded, and in a way it does make sense. In the beam, they would be; however now you are faced with a contrast "brightly shrouded." which would engender another perception of "mistake".

As for the Caps, it is a stylistic thing, drifting out of favour sometime in the late 1800's. It probably will come back, thanks in large part to Bill Gates
Anothers: either another's or another
ebb and flow, if you can avoid, find a better way, it is too easy.

None touches or feels or knows. You may want to insert "That" none.
As far as the title it was deactivated in 1996, so... are you calling me a dead bulb?

 

[butters]

How did this conversation get so kinky? I blame you entirely (drat there's not a smiley on here for angel)

i'm pure as the driven slush, me. can't be my fault, you were the one querying me pees

 

[Obsequium]

It seems to me that your words don't flow as if they are just statements of fact but that could be that a capital letter at the beginning of each line makes me pause in the wrong places. A typo I think in line one first stanza I think 'threw should be through and last line third stanza should be 'too'



Thank you for taking a look. Suggestions noted, corrected the typos, stripped away the caps and the punctuation. With exception of the third stanza, first line. I think it reads as I intended. Also left the punctuation in the second, third line. I liked the way it "slings" you into the last line of that stanza. Do hope it reads easier stripped. As I scan each book on writing poetry for references on punctuation. In the learning process with all this, willing and ready to put in the time needed. I may never write anything worth reading at the end, but the fun is always in the journey. Also finding I appreciate more and more the poetry I am reading and what it takes to create such works. That alone is worth gold. Thank you again, appreciated your comments.

Lighthouse 1201

a world digested through souls windows
none touches or feels or knows
tempest to calm the lighthouse bright
entombed within the fog

these lost within the ebb and flow
caught in the maelstroms current
sees the flash, alters course,
the lookouts due diligence

a glance, a peek, espied, then gone
anothers path again illuminated
ever watchful the sentinel stands
an illusion too brightly shrouded
** ** * *