Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

A couple of mine I'm tossing about if anyone would care to offer suggestions.

Growling Snowflakes

Each unique in being,
snowflakes drift to Earth,
blanketing green pastures
as one complete whole.

Ones humble question,
is that of snowflakes,
surviving as separate,
while thrust in packs.

We bite and chew,
growling our diversity,
while secreted within,
we consort with wolves.

*********************

Frankenstein's Friend

Pungent steam rises from a darkened bog
below the billowy trail to her fate.

The beast awaits above her small shoulders,
frowning at his incomplete reflection.

The child smiles as a butterfly trembles
quietly toward ready blooms on the rise.

The beast twists his flat head sharply,
curious about the meaning of smiles.

Fighting misunderstood instincts, he smiles,
and joins the butterfly in festive flight.


My take on a scene from a horror classic we watched the other day.

 

[bulltlr]

Blinded, cuffed, soiled,
His presence startles.

Molded, folded, twisted,
Callous hands reward.

Closing, melting, ripping,
Her velvet crease submits.

Ravishing, plundering, establishing,
no humanity exists.

What is his…
She cries his name
Breathless, she prays.

You might find better words. I just kind of pushed this out. The topic interests me.

Interesting... more pain than pleasure

 

[bulltlr]

A couple of mine I'm tossing about if anyone would care to offer suggestions.

Growling Snowflakes

Each unique in being,
snowflakes drift to Earth,
blanketing green pastures
as one complete whole.

Ones humble question,
is that of snowflakes,
surviving as separate,
while thrust in packs.

We bite and chew,
growling our diversity,
while secreted within,
we consort with wolves.

*********************

Frankenstein's Friend

Pungent steam rises from a darkened bog
below the billowy trail to her fate.

The beast awaits above her small shoulders,
frowning at his incomplete reflection.

The child smiles as a butterfly trembles
quietly toward ready blooms on the rise.

The beast twists his flat head sharply,
curious about the meaning of smiles.

Fighting misunderstood instincts, he smiles,
and joins the butterfly in festive flight.


My take on a scene from a horror classic we watched the other day.

A critic, I am not...
but, Growling Snowflakes
sounds a whole lot like
we the people here on Lit
I like it the way it is!

I very much like this sentence...

Fighting misunderstood instincts, he smiles,
and joins the butterfly in festive flight.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I've been introduced by Vee to a form called the Lune which seems, as far as I can see, to be able to contain everything a Haiku doesn't. I did think of starting a whole new thread but I don't know if anyone would be that interested.
From what I've garnered from googling, the form is;

Line 1 ..... 3 words
Line 2 ...... 5 words
Line 3 ...... 3 words

Here's something I fiddled with and have no idea if it's correct or not, whether the first line is too obscure and the last line seems too weak to me

Burnt paper Jackdaws
protest loudly against the wind;
fall of feathers.

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

I've been introduced by Vee to a form called the Lune which seems, as far as I can see, to be able to contain everything a Haiku doesn't. I did think of starting a whole new thread but I don't know if anyone would be that interested.
From what I've garnered from googling, the form is;

Line 1 ..... 3 words
Line 2 ...... 5 words
Line 3 ...... 3 words

Here's something I fiddled with and have no idea if it's correct or not, whether the first line is too obscure and the last line seems too weak to me

Burnt paper Jackdaws
protest loudly against the wind;
fall of feathers.

I would like to learn more.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I would like to learn more.

I'm hoping Vee (or anyone else for that matter) will point us in the right direction because I'm as much in the dark as you are

 

[vrosej10]

I've been introduced by Vee to a form called the Lune which seems, as far as I can see, to be able to contain everything a Haiku doesn't. I did think of starting a whole new thread but I don't know if anyone would be that interested.
From what I've garnered from googling, the form is;

Line 1 ..... 3 words
Line 2 ...... 5 words
Line 3 ...... 3 words

Here's something I fiddled with and have no idea if it's correct or not, whether the first line is too obscure and the last line seems too weak to me

Burnt paper Jackdaws
protest loudly against the wind;
fall of feathers.

That's actually pretty damn good. Lose the capitals though, they tend to overpower small poems. The cool thing about lunes is, once you have met the syllable requirement, they can be anything you want. There are no other rules. I would suggest an openness is probably desirable, but this is not a rule. Go to town, see what you can do with it.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

That's actually pretty damn good. Lose the capitals though, they tend to overpower small poems. The cool thing about lunes is, once you have met the syllable requirement, they can be anything you want. There are no other rules. I would suggest an openness is probably desirable, but this is not a rule. Go to town, see what you can do with it.

I didn't know about the syllable count (which is what?) so that was flying blind as it were lol I wasn't sure if the 'burnt paper jackdaws' was too obscure I was thinking in terms of paper thrown up from a bonfire
couple more

it never rains
crop failure haunts devasted fathers
hungry babies cry

................

jaw dropping embarrassment
restaurant disruption in floor search
denture fixative failure

 

[EroticOrogeny]

I've been introduced by Vee to a form called the Lune which seems, as far as I can see, to be able to contain everything a Haiku doesn't. I did think of starting a whole new thread but I don't know if anyone would be that interested.
From what I've garnered from googling, the form is;

Line 1 ..... 3 words
Line 2 ...... 5 words
Line 3 ...... 3 words

Here's something I fiddled with and have no idea if it's correct or not, whether the first line is too obscure and the last line seems too weak to me

Burnt paper Jackdaws
protest loudly against the wind;
fall of feathers.

Everything I've found indicates either 5/3/5 syllable or 3/5/3 word.
Here's a few links:
Writing Lune Poetry
Write an Instant Lune
Lune (poetry)
Seems weird that alternate sequence of counts for syllable vs word

Thanks for bringing up lunes - always nice to learn more. And sounds like don't have to worry about haiky purists objecting.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Everything I've found indicates either 5/3/5 syllable or 3/5/3 word.
Here's a few links:
Writing Lune Poetry
Write an Instant Lune
Lune (poetry)
Seems weird that alternate sequence of counts for syllable vs word

Thanks for bringing up lunes - always nice to learn more. And sounds like don't have to worry about haiky purists objecting.

don't break my heart my 'haiky' breaky heart at least I know I can say that to you without you throwing a hissy fit!

 

[butters]

Everything I've found indicates either 5/3/5 syllable or 3/5/3 word.
...
Lune (poetry)
Seems weird that alternate sequence of counts for syllable vs word

Thanks for bringing up lunes - always nice to learn more. And sounds like don't have to worry about haiky purists objecting.

the link states:

The Robert Kelly lune
Robert Kelly, a Professor of Literature at Bard College, invented a new form of English-language haiku using the form 5/3/5 syllables, with the intention of making the form closer to the Japanese haiku than English-language haiku written in a 5/7/5 syllable format[1].

The Jack Collom lune
It is measured in words rather than syllables, making it easier for children to learn and compose. The form is 3/5/3 words. Jack Collom created this new form of haiku by chance, when he misremembered the original creation of Kelly's as this form, thereby creating a new one[1].


Both versions are free from all constraints associated with haiku, thus need contain no kigo (season-word), kire (cut), may rhyme and may use all other poetic devices[1].

but what i found really really sad was this:

This article is an orphan, as few or no other articles link to it. Please introduce links to this page from related articles; suggestions may be available. (February 2009)

aw, bless.... please, people, find it in your hearts to introduce links to this wee orphan... it's been waiting years *wipes tear from eye*

 

[vrosej10]

What I like about them is they offer a short form that is much more adaptable and allows for those who would like to write short poetry without the constraints of haiku to have ago. I have always felt short forms get a bad rap in Western tradtions. One of the most serious problems in Western poetry is self aggrandising windbaggery. You just can't do this is short form. It makes the poem more about the subject. In erotica, sometimes the small can be greater than the large and you can give these little buggers titles, which can REALLY help expand the meaning if your smart.

 

[vrosej10]

I didn't know about the syllable count (which is what?) so that was flying blind as it were lol I wasn't sure if the 'burnt paper jackdaws' was too obscure I was thinking in terms of paper thrown up from a bonfire
couple more

it never rains
crop failure haunts devasted fathers
hungry babies cry

................

jaw dropping embarrassment
restaurant disruption in floor search
denture fixative failure

you either count words or syllables, not both. The type is dependant on which method you use.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

you either count words or syllables, not both. The type is dependant on which method you use.

yes I see that now so are these any good and is the jackdaw one worth submitting?

oops that should be 'devastated'

 

[vrosej10]

The Jackdaw one is brilliant, the denture one hilarious. I think you miss it with the other one. These poems are judged by the same criteria as other poems, compression, imagery, musicality and the dreaded 'it' factor. That 'it' is a bitch!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

The Jackdaw one is brilliant, the denture one hilarious. I think you miss it with the other one. These poems are judged by the same criteria as other poems, compression, imagery, musicality and the dreaded 'it' factor. That 'it' is a bitch!

now wondering whether to submit them seperately or do a 'set' all in one go

*sits on hands and resists calling them luney toons*

 

[Angeline]

Chagall's Bride (reworked)

I sail into midnight
in a gown of cobwebs, firefly
earrings. I skim barefoot
past spirits, float above
those mooncalves, Calibans
who wonder and stumble.

I trail memory
in a dusty blue wake,
singing thin hymns to the night.
It swallows them whole.

Tears skate my cheeks like mercury.
They burn and fall silver beads
each starry story a particle
of promise to dot the skies
with sabbath blessings
pulling air to me twice,
pulling HaShem to me.

My whispers curse darkness
and shatter yarzheit candles.
Crows glide up from earth
and speak from empty eyes.
Perhaps they see angels.

I am occupied. I must scatter
barren ground with prayer
and so the Perseids
are active tonight.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Feel so lucky to be able to read so many wonderful Angeline poems every time I come by lately. Might make me come by more, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Thank you, Ange.

 

[Angeline]

Feel so lucky to be able to read so many wonderful Angeline poems every time I come by lately. Might make me come by more, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Thank you, Ange.

Thanks and I hope you come around and write more. Your poems are an inspiration to me, Dora.

 

[EroticOrogeny]

now wondering whether to submit them seperately or do a 'set' all in one go

*sits on hands and resists calling them luney toons*

The link I had which got edited out (was a .com - unfortunately can't tell whether link is spam or happens to be legit external ref.) states

The main reason for the name of the form "lune" is that the poem should resemble a crescent moon (latin, luna, meaning moon). The first type of lune makes a right facing crescent, while the second form of lune makes a left facing crescent.

Examples there are standard left-justified.
Write a lune about lunar loon.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

The link I had which got edited out (was a .com - unfortunately can't tell whether link is spam or happens to be legit external ref.) states

Examples there are standard left-justified.
Write a lune about lunar loon.

anything less crescent-like
in what you see here
is just loony

 

[homunculus]

mixed

Lots of mixed metaphors in the poem--do you intend them as such? Does mercury skate or do people skate? And so on. I wonder if people care about such things...

 

[Angeline]

Lots of mixed metaphors in the poem--do you intend them as such? Does mercury skate or do people skate? And so on. I wonder if people care about such things...

Hi and thank you for the feedback. Yes there are lots of metaphors in the poem, but I don't think they're mixed (a mixed metaphor is when you combine two unrelated metaphors). Anyway, the thing that skates is tears, which I think is fine because "to skate" means to slip and slide. That's one of the definitions of the word. So tears can skate. Mercury beads up in little balls but it also slides. So in the poem tears skate down a face and those tears are like mercury in that then they burn and bead up. So the metaphor (simile actually) is between tears and mercury, not mercury and skate. And this is all happening in a night sky so when the beads fall they are like stars.

Is any of this realistic? No because the whole poem is a series of metaphors that together make a metaphor based on images in paintings by Marc Chagall (hence the title), but I don't think you need to see the paintings to understand the poem. At least not according to other feedback I've received and my own understanding. But metaphors? Some poems are very direct, most are awash in them. Metaphor is generally regarded as on of the main tools at a poet's disposal.

Thanks again.

 

[butters]

tinkering with this - any suggestions?

since it's only just down and not cooked yet, i'm pretty much open to ideas

walking underwater's weird

to breathe in green
feel sound ripple skin
as you sand-sink and, water-legged, half hop
to draw attention
of clowns and bats
and hope not to attract those distant, fluid shadows
or get clipped and nipped
in hard-edged pincer movements

small creatures, coy behind pale graceful fans
follow your movements
enchanted by bubble trails and the smell of battle

fins jut stiff, hold them motionless against the swell
as you part the endless ribbons
as you look towards the light

they filter thoughts with rapid ruddy gills as you
cast off the umbilical
discard the weight
and with one smooth sweet kick
fly up to kiss the sky

 

[Angeline]

since it's only just down and not cooked yet, i'm pretty much open to ideas

walking underwater's weird

to breathe in green
feel sound ripple skin
as you sand-sink and, water-legged, half hop
to draw attention
of clowns and bats
and hope not to attract those distant, fluid shadows
or get clipped and nipped
in hard-edged pincer movements

small creatures, coy behind pale graceful fans
follow your movements
enchanted by bubble trails and the smell of battle

fins jut stiff, hold them motionless against the swell
as you part the endless ribbons
as you look towards the light

they filter thoughts with rapid ruddy gills as you
cast off the umbilical
discard the weight
and with one smooth sweet kick
fly up to kiss the sky

It's lovely and impressionistic.

I don't like the "clipped/nipped" rhyme; it sounds contrived to me and pulls me out of the poem.

Also think you can lose "graceful" in S2 L1. "Coy behind pale fans" just sounds better to my ear and "graceful" is sort of telling.

I don't know how I feel about "battle." Otoh I want to smell salt and oceany scents but "battle" is such a disturbing word choice there it may be brilliant. Lol. You decide.

Why are they filtering thoughts? That's the first sense I get of humanizing them and not sure you want to go there. I like the fact that up to this line I don't know if they're mermaids or what they are. But if they're thinking, I guess that means they're mermaids....I dunno if I wanna know that.

"kiss the sky" sounds too rainbow/unicorn/sparkle to me and it also makes me think of Jimi Hendrix singing Purple Haze and do you want to end with that?

Of course these are just my stoopid opinions so feel free to ignore them.

And if you have time, give me some feedback on my reworked Chagall's Bride.