Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[UnderYourSpell]

It seems to me that your words don't flow as if they are just statements of fact but that could be that a capital letter at the beginning of each line makes me pause in the wrong places. A typo I think in line one first stanza I think 'threw should be through and last line third stanza should be 'too'



Thank you for taking a look. Suggestions noted, corrected the typos, striped away the caps and the punctuation. With exception of the third stanza, first line. I think it reads as I intended. Also left the punctuation in the second, third line. I liked the way it "slings" you into the last line of that stanza. Do hope it reads easier striped. As I scan each book on writing poetry for references on punctuation. In the learning process with all this, willing and ready to put in the time needed. I may never write anything worth reading at the end, but the fun is always in the journey. Also finding I appreciate more and more the poetry I am reading and what it takes to create such works. That alone is worth gold. Thank you again, appreciated your comments.

Lighthouse 1201

a world digested through souls windows
none touches or feels or knows
tempest to calm the lighthouse bright
entombed within the fog

these lost within the ebb and flow
caught in the maelstroms current
sees the flash, alters course,
the lookouts due diligence

a glance, a peek, espied, then gone
anothers path again illuminated
ever watchful the sentinel stands
an illusion too brightly shrouded
** ** * *

I do like that better altho I would capitalize the beginning of a stanza but that's a nit pick

 

[SeattleRain]

Before he started using pepper

I used to eat the crisp edges
of fried eggs left on the plate
beside the bread crusts; gulp down
the half-cup of orange juice before the bus
even turned down 14th street.

Now the pepper grinder cranks out
coarse spice and his juice glass, emptied
with a "Bye Mom" backpack swing, grabbing
a granola bar topper for the road.

Even the baby finishes his
cone of vanilla so fast I do not get to
lick the melted sides before they drip
onto the sidewalk.

I ask the dish cloth,
"Is it really time to get my own?"

 

[Angeline]

I used to eat the crisp edges
of fried eggs left on the plate
beside the bread crusts; gulp down
the half-cup of orange juice before the bus
even turned down 14th street.

Now the pepper grinder cranks out
coarse spice and his juice glass, emptied
with a "Bye Mom" backpack swing, grabbing
a granola bar topper for the road.

Even the baby finishes his
cone of vanilla so fast I do not get to
lick the melted sides before they drip
onto the sidewalk.

I ask the dish cloth,
"Is it really time to get my own?"

Oh they do grow up and before you know what happened they're adults. Mine have grown and got opinions and friends they confide in now over me. Usually. Such is life.

The last line is perfect: I love that combination of mundane and profound. Otherwise I would play with the line breaks and maybe lose a word here and there, like "down" in S1L3; "out" in S2L1). I don't want to get into break changes because (as you wisely pointed out in another post here) we each have our own styles and they work for us. But one thought on breaks: if you were to move the "his" in S3L1 to the start of L2, "Even the baby finishes" stands better on its own and underscores your theme.

 

[bulltlr]

No Title

Creative poetry says:
Fuck poetic obscurity!
High noon doesn't exist;
crumpets and tea aren't served.
English professors with little red pens
at the ready trying to correct, refine,
reshape, reword.
Failed!
Creative poetry's individuality prevails.


I would like your honest opinions please

 

[bulltlr]

no title

Warm hands, grasping hips
Soft gasp, quickening pulse
Hot breath, cascading shivers
Strong arms, tightening embrace
Exquisite pain, thrusting invasion
Deeper, faster, craving release
Bodies quiver, shaking, shimmering
Explosive implosion, satisfying two

This seems very cold and impersonal to me
What do you think?

Last line should maybe read

Explosive implosion, satisfying too

 

[Angeline]

Warm hands, grasping hips
Soft gasp, quickening pulse
Hot breath, cascading shivers
Strong arms, tightening embrace
Exquisite pain, thrusting invasion
Deeper, faster, craving release
Bodies quiver, shaking, shimmering
Explosive implosion, satisfying two

This seems very cold and impersonal to me
What do you think?

Last line should maybe read

Explosive implosion, satisfying too

Hi.

It does to me, too, and I think it's because it is impersonal: there are no pronouns (or personal nouns) to attach the images to people and much of the language seems overused to me: more unusual word choices would make it stand out from the many erotic poems that are posted here all the time. So it becomes anonymous and mainly a series of modified verbs. I think you need to put people more in it, maybe recall actual experiences and make them vivid so it feels real and alive.

Just my opinion and hope it helps. If not, no worries.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Warm hands, grasping hips
Soft gasp, quickening pulse
Hot breath, cascading shivers
Strong arms, tightening embrace
Exquisite pain, thrusting invasion
Deeper, faster, craving release
Bodies quiver, shaking, shimmering
Explosive implosion, satisfying two

This seems very cold and impersonal to me
What do you think?

Last line should maybe read

Explosive implosion, satisfying too

tut tut I'm the gerund whore around here and this is full of them!

 

[bulltlr]

Hi.

It does to me, too, and I think it's because it is impersonal: there are no pronouns (or personal nouns) to attach the images to people and much of the language seems overused to me: more unusual word choices would make it stand out from the many erotic poems that are posted here all the time. So it becomes anonymous and mainly a series of modified verbs. I think you need to put people more in it, maybe recall actual experiences and make them vivid so it feels real and alive.

Just my opinion and hope it helps. If not, no worries.

Thank You Angeline, I will take your suggestions and rework the piece

tut tut I'm the gerund whore around here and this is full of them!

Thank you UnderYourSpell, I've learned a new word/ phrase and its meaning. Does this mean I am not allowed to use ing words ?

 

[Angeline]

Tell me if this poem sounds too simple and dumb. (If you think so, I will not be insulted. It's an experiment.) Oh and it is about this song.

West End Blues

It’s a weary kind of sass
flourished in a high sweet tone
then a drum ticks like a clock
or a rippled metronome

There’s a grin behind the blur
of a lazy easy horn
moanin march into a century
shoutin something new is born

Here's one more question: can you read it and get a sense of a simple blues rhythm or is that too much to ask from this poem and/or any reader?

Thanks.

 

[bulltlr]

Tell me if this poem sounds too simple and dumb. (If you think so, I will not be insulted. It's an experiment.) Oh and it is about this song.

West End Blues

It’s a weary kind of sass
flourished in a high sweet tone
then a drum ticks like a clock
or a rippled metronome

There’s a grin behind the blur
of a lazy easy horn
moanin march into a century
shoutin something new is born

Here's one more question: can you read it and get a sense of a simple blues rhythm or is that too much to ask from this poem and/or any reader?

Thanks.

If my vote matters I wasn't reading I was singing and sometimes simple is better, just my opinion.

 

[Angeline]

If my vote matters I wasn't reading I was singing and sometimes simple is better, just my opinion.

Thanks bulltlr. That's exactly the kind of thing I'm wondering about with this. Senna Jawa has a link in his Litlog thread to some of his poems, some of which he calls blues of one kind or another and when I read them I can really hear the music of them. But I thought this might come across as the wrong of of singing, like singsongy.

I'm also thinking to maybe do this as an illustrated poem, even though it takes forever for those to get posted.

 

[ClassyGirl]

Untitled

your moan
honeyshine moonlight
can you recall
a flood of hair
bared beauty
as if
I am part monster
please crush me
I am weak as the dark
please rob my skin raw
then melt me like
your tongue is fire
almost so
my rose goddess vision
turns sordid and grey
and smears like blood
red between the sheets
so we will be
delirious for eternity
together

 

[bulltlr]

Thanks bulltlr. That's exactly the kind of thing I'm wondering about with this. Senna Jawa has a link in his Litlog thread to some of his poems, some of which he calls blues of one kind or another and when I read them I can really hear the music of them. But I thought this might come across as the wrong of of singing, like singsongy.

I'm also thinking to maybe do this as an illustrated poem, even though it takes forever for those to get posted.

having a love for music... I hear it! I don't think it is "singysongy"

 

[bulltlr]

Untitled

your moan
honeyshine moonlight
can you recall
a flood of hair
bared beauty
as if
I am part monster
please crush me
I am weak as the dark
please rob my skin raw
then melt me like
your tongue is fire
almost so
my rose goddess vision
turns sordid and grey
and smears like blood
red between the sheets
so we will be
delirious for eternity
together

please excuse my ignorance but what does "my rose goddess vision turns sordid and grey" mean?

 

[ClassyGirl]

please excuse my ignorance but what does "my rose goddess vision turns sordid and grey" mean?

well, the funny thing about this poem is that it came out of picking random tiles while playing with magnetic poetry... hahaha. And funnily enough it actually ended up turning into something I could relate myself with. I guess it would be a poem about losing your innocence, and hating it, but not being able to stop yourself at the same time. Feeling soiled and ruined and hating yourself, and also wanting to be ravished. I thought of the expression, wearing rose colored glasses, and how everything is different after something like losing your innocence, for someone who had a lot of guilt about it.

 

[bulltlr]

well, the funny thing about this poem is that it came out of picking random tiles while playing with magnetic poetry... hahaha. And funnily enough it actually ended up turning into something I could relate myself with. I guess it would be a poem about losing your innocence, and hating it, but not being able to stop yourself at the same time. Feeling soiled and ruined and hating yourself, and also wanting to be ravished.

I like the raw emotion the poem gives off. I just wasn't sure what that specific line meant!

 

[ClassyGirl]

I like the raw emotion the poem gives off. I just wasn't sure what that specific line meant!

Thank you! Here's another one I wrote using the magnetic poetry method: this one's a bit more humorous, though.

Female Management

women with strong business knowledge
maximize success, profit & time when
utilizing synergistic yet effective
sex
to create a future in management
power positions
never underneath the big boss men
together we will collaborate and
take the market
through multitasking and
hot dresses
we shall be professional!

I love this one. I really do. It's so satirical.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Thank you UnderYourSpell, I've learned a new word/ phrase and its meaning. Does this mean I am not allowed to use ing words ?

means it pays to cut down on them if you can but it's your poetry don't ever let anybody bully you into change that doesn't feel right to you

well, the funny thing about this poem is that it came out of picking random tiles while playing with magnetic poetry... hahaha. And funnily enough it actually ended up turning into something I could relate myself with. I guess it would be a poem about losing your innocence, and hating it, but not being able to stop yourself at the same time. Feeling soiled and ruined and hating yourself, and also wanting to be ravished. I thought of the expression, wearing rose colored glasses, and how everything is different after something like losing your innocence, for someone who had a lot of guilt about it.

What is magnetic poetry?

 

[Senna Jawa]

This seems very cold and impersonal to me

This reads like a quote from a sex education textbook for high school students.

Explosive implosion, satisfying too

This phrase is light years removed from poetry (and the whole text too).

 

[bulltlr]

means it pays to cut down on them if you can but it's your poetry don't ever let anybody bully you into change that doesn't feel right to you

Thank you for your response.

What is magnetic poetry?

Small magnetic tiles with single words or fragments that stick to the refrigerator or file cabinet!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Small magnetic tiles with single words or fragments that stick to the refrigerator or file cabinet!

bit like one of Chipbutty's challenges then when she chose the words but I can't say I've ever felt the need to make poetry out of fridge magnets ..... anyway mine say such things as 'smile and the world smiles with you; snore and you sleep alone'!

 

[bulltlr]

This reads like a quote from a sex education textbook for high school students.

This phrase is light years removed from poetry (and the whole text too).

1. I'll have to trust you, we didn't have sex education textbooks in high school.

2. You're correct!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

1. I'll have to trust you, we didn't have sex education textbooks in high school.

2. You're correct!

good for you

 

[bulltlr]

A ramble in need of opinions...

Blindfolded, cuffed, left...
His sudden presence startles
Callous hands mold
her into position
His searing body
encloses, melting her
gripping firmly, flexing
Her velvet crease submits
Plundering her depths,
ravishing mercilessly
what is his
She cries his name
Breathless, she shatters

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Blindfolded, cuffed, left...
His sudden presence startles
Callous hands mold
her into position
His searing body
encloses, melting her
gripping firmly, flexing
Her velvet crease submits
Plundering her depths,
ravishing mercilessly
what is his
She cries his name
Breathless, she shatters

Blinded, cuffed, soiled,
His presence startles.

Molded, folded, twisted,
Callous hands reward.

Closing, melting, ripping,
Her velvet crease submits.

Ravishing, plundering, establishing,
no humanity exists.

What is his…
She cries his name
Breathless, she prays.

You might find better words. I just kind of pushed this out. The topic interests me.