Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[bulltlr]

Deleted

 

[twelveoone]

I'm going through a confidence thing here, you probably haven't noticed but I've stopped submitting again. Everyone is submitting poem after poem every day and it's made me wary that nothing I've got is good enough and as everything is being read now that I could get slated badly. I've had so many mixed comments one person says for goodness sake break out of all those forms and yet another says (when I submit free verse) this just looks forced written by you just go back to your forms. I don't know who I am or what to write anymore

Do what you feel is right! You write for yourself, with an audience in mind. Don't write for an audience.
Mixed comments are the best, if you get total agreement, everybody 's lying.

 

[butters]

Do what you feel is right! You write for yourself, with an audience in mind. Don't write for an audience.
Mixed comments are the best, if you get total agreement, everybody 's lying.

Do what you feel is right!
i'd have to agree, but listening after won't hurt any. when push comes to shove, most of the time it's your own instincts that are the best to trust.

You write for yourself, with an audience in mind.
this is probably why i lose the audience so often - i write for the poem, i listen to the poem, listen for its truth. *sighs*

Mixed comments are the best,
oh yes. gives you perspective, angles, new eyes, new light... you don't have to agree with them.

 

[homunculus]

quintessence

A word like quintessence is off key. No one uses it and so you lose a lot of people. No need to show off or force things. And do you really mean droplets? in her cunt, is that it? I don't think that is usual... Graphic is good, but I think it works best if closely observed.

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

A word like quintessence is off key. No one uses it and so you lose a lot of people. No need to show off or force things. And do you really mean droplets? in her cunt, is that it? I don't think that is usual... Graphic is good, but I think it works best if closely observed.

A word like quintessence is off key. No one uses it and so you lose a lot of people. No need to show off or force things. And do you really mean droplets? in her cunt, is that it? I don't think that is usual... Graphic is good, but I think it works best if closely observed.

Thank you! Although I posted the poem and did not do as you suggested. It is here.

It is hard to know which word is right and wrong, because sound, rhythm, and meaning must match. To me, poetry is about the two first items AND the third.

It is so difficult.

And that is why I love trying it.

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

[xxxxx

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

xxxxxxx

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

[xxxxxx

 

[butters]

espie, there's something lovely going on with this - i have to go now, my bath's getting cold, but i will come back later to comment x

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

espie, there's something lovely going on with this - i have to go now, my bath's getting cold, but i will come back later to comment x

Please and thanks--I feel it is close--just a few things bugging me and I can't sort it out. Going to walk away myself and go get the groceries--no raisin bran!

 

[butters]

okies, gonna pm you, espie

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

okies, gonna pm you, espie

Hey Gardener,

I put this on the wrong thread. Here is the finished effort. I may only post it here--can't decide yet. It is a gift for the special one in my life.

Winter Steam

The bills are paid, and
soft willows slumber
while fire-whispers
soothe the wane of winter.

Azure flashes in this girl’s eyes
as gray wood cracks the passion, and
her breath shimmers dreams
in a blaze of steam.

She’s peaceful in this place,
far away from the hustle of
do this
do that
live life
live death
lose hope
spew faith
all this
not that—
dreams buried in the flurry as
hubbub stymies self in an
unending
untended
untempered
pace toward dearth.

She journeys easy now,
her eyes embracing truth,
her body surging need.

Marshmallows swim on
foaming waves through
the chocolate sea,
enticing timid lips to test--
she sips with practiced ease.

In humid, sultry rhythm,
she sets her cup to rest, and
teasing with the smallest wink

reaches for my breast.


*****


to the Gardener for the edit

 

[butters]

your special lady's lucky to have a poet write for her

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Hostilities

It’s a tickle, pernicious prickle,
running along the spine,
intuitional, often quite fickle,
a subconscious ratiocine.

It might be an action,
a gesture, a word,
some over-exaction
so often blurred but
setting the scene for
open warfare, tightening jaw
where a smile was before.

Some will deliberate,
setting the bait.
wanting some combat
protagonists agonize.
Unwilling to wait they
rumble and quibble until
there’s a nibble then
let battle commence.

 

[Black13]

No catharsis

There's no inspiration here.
A fault runs from the ceiling to the floor
There's no catharsis,
No ulterior motive.
A cricket chirps
somewhere in the room;
It jumps and eats my drywall.
There's no catharsis here,
I just want the damn thing to stop chirping.

 

[Angeline]

He speaks as easy
as wine flows past his lips.
He speaks of Hebes
and Negresses his lurid
fascination fauve bright
you might say over
wrought you might
only notice his fashion,

the cravat pinned just
so to the round collar
bit of a fop a cape
and walking stick, foolish
hat that provincial boy
writing this and that
wears his polemic
like a poison flower

dandy in a long ago
story his voice translated
and broken into iambs
and measureless intent
until all the color runs off
and only the ignorant
gray words remain.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

She promises something new,
some spice in our lives.
The silken blindfold and
the wrists bound to the headboard
should have spoken,
told me to be wary.
But, tied in a smiling Y, I wondered
why she’d be making drinks,
the chink of ice a give-away.

Crystal lips kiss nipples
quickened by the cold then
from her lips a rivulet,
frigid, ice-thaw gaspingly
amassing In my navel.
Melt water flowing east
and west over my belly
to the bedding below.
My scrotum recedes
as her icy lips close
on my hottest spot.

The soft of tongue and lips,
the scalding cold of ice,
my blindness all
confuse and enthuse, so
much that I reach my peak
with no warning but
she is not done yet and
slams a handful of her cool tool
into my taint as I climax.

I make a mental note,
fire and ice.

 

[butters]

She promises something new,
some spice in our lives.
The silken blindfold and
the wrists bound to the headboard
should have spoken,
told me to be wary.
But, tied in a smiling Y, I wondered
why she’d be making drinks,
the chink of ice a give-away.

Crystal lips kiss nipples
quickened by the cold then
from her lips a rivulet,
frigid, ice-thaw gaspingly
amassing In my navel.
Melt water flowing east
and west over my belly
to the bedding below.
My scrotum recedes
as her icy lips close
on my hottest spot.

The soft of tongue and lips,
the scalding cold of ice,
my blindness all
confuse and enthuse, so
much that I reach my peak
with no warning but
she is not done yet and
slams a handful of her cool tool
into my taint as I climax.

I make a mental note,
fire and ice.

some great lines and images, T - especially like the bold text.
i'm wondering about the last two lines - if they couldn't be incorporated into a title, or - hmmm .... if the title was something like 'taking notes', or words to suggest that, then 'fire and ice' would still be a good ending after 'as I climax'. just thinking aloud

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

some great lines and images, T - especially like the bold text.
i'm wondering about the last two lines - if they couldn't be incorporated into a title, or - hmmm .... if the title was something like 'taking notes', or words to suggest that, then 'fire and ice' would still be a good ending after 'as I climax'. just thinking aloud

Thanks chippy, I agree about the ending - I'll abandone the "taking notes" - I had a sequel in mind, a kind of tit-for-tat......

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Choreographed expressions of gratitude
flicker across grey backdrops
stirring make believe platitudes
into life. Upgraded nonsense,
of seasonal siestas from sense
gravitate towards oblivion
taking meaningless obituaries,
dying charismatic platitudes
full in the face, expending
lavish trickery at the expense of all
who manipulate and cajole
the life force of others.
.....................

pick the bones out of that lol

 

[vrosej10]

Choreographed expressions of gratitude
flicker across grey backdrops
stirring make believe platitudes
into life. Upgraded nonsense,
of seasonal siestas from sense
gravitate towards oblivion
taking meaningless obituaries,
dying charismatic platitudes
full in the face, expending
lavish trickery at the expense of all
who manipulate and cajole
the life force of others.
.....................

pick the bones out of that lol

Social niceties, the root of all evil, kind of the public service of manners...It's a dense and chewy piece UYS. I love the themes and the writing is so tight it has real intensity. It gets a little confused at the end though i think and I don't think the repetition of platitudes works. There was something about the word upgraded in the fourth line that bugged me but I couldn't tell you why, it just seems to stick out of the poem...I hope that helps some.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Social niceties, the root of all evil, kind of the public service of manners...It's a dense and chewy piece UYS. I love the themes and the writing is so tight it has real intensity. It gets a little confused at the end though i think and I don't think the repetition of platitudes works. There was something about the word upgraded in the fourth line that bugged me but I couldn't tell you why, it just seems to stick out of the poem...I hope that helps some.

........ and now you are going to kill me it was just a load of words strung together meaning nothing at all, I was going to just submit it and see what people said but decided not lol but I did miss that I'd used platitudes twice!

 

[vrosej10]

........ and now you are going to kill me it was just a load of words strung together meaning nothing at all, I was going to just submit it and see what people said but decided not lol but I did miss that I'd used platitudes twice!

Love stream of consciousness myself!

 

[twelveoone]

fo
fo duh.........................................duh man

another day at the pop factory
splicing snippets from the hive mind
some..............................................random
random
some obvious plants
some strictly speaking
scripted
Veritas

done
I don't like it much
I don't like the new days
the buzzing getting louder and louder
till sleep shuts off the fuse

in dreams
we forget ourselves
in dreams
we take respite
from day's refuse
in a dream I saw you
by the holy well
spouting so............................................as if from the back of a garbage truck
carefully something
I heard before

fucking Veritas
tra la

in a dream I saw you
amazing
the half life
of a stage act
wa la.......................................................wa la

at least I know how to use a spell checker

Now if I could figure out how to get the formatting to work in submissions,
for my new fan pawnpuss arse muthafuckette

 

[twelveoone]

cold glass up your ass
and other sharp and barby things
there is nothin better
then some flighty lass
muthfucka with wings

'n' Icarus writes with wax
plays with gasoline