Poetry in Progress ~ construction zone

[butters]

It's lovely and impressionistic.

I don't like the "clipped/nipped" rhyme; it sounds contrived to me and pulls me out of the poem.

Also think you can lose "graceful" in S2 L1. "Coy behind pale fans" just sounds better to my ear and "graceful" is sort of telling.

I don't know how I feel about "battle." Otoh I want to smell salt and oceany scents but "battle" is such a disturbing word choice there it may be brilliant. Lol. You decide.

Why are they filtering thoughts? That's the first sense I get of humanizing them and not sure you want to go there. I like the fact that up to this line I don't know if they're mermaids or what they are. But if they're thinking, I guess that means they're mermaids....I dunno if I wanna know that.

"kiss the sky" sounds too rainbow/unicorn/sparkle to me and it also makes me think of Jimi Hendrix singing Purple Haze and do you want to end with that?

Of course these are just my stoopid opinions so feel free to ignore them.

And if you have time, give me some feedback on my reworked Chagall's Bride.

that was fast! ty

clipped/nipped - i'm hearin' ya

graceful - gone! perfect, just right

battle - it's the struggle - toyed with bodily fluids but blood, sweat n tears was way too old hat, toyed with scent of fear or scent of hope, that kinda thing. don't know if it stays or goes yet

filtering thoughts - maybe i need to drop 'thoughts', keep it to 'filter/ing'
(psst - it's a poet in the making and these are the inhabitants of the pond/sea they find themself in ... the 'clowns' and the 'bats' = various oddball egos, the small creatures = other new writers

and yeah, it was deliberately jimi H at the end, as that's the phrase that started this, though i dropped the 'excuse me' part. it's maybe not the best reason to keep it in, but i love that idea of propelling upwards through the heavy stuff to leap, bright as a flash, into the thin high blues and kiss the sky, water pearling away in droplets that catch fire in bright sunlight....

hmm, maybe i need to ...


um, maybe not

and Angelinadreama - YOU do not need to reiterate that (i know we both tend to by rote) - i get AND appreciate where you're coming from, and you never give offense but do me huge favours with your honest, open approach.


promise to give it my undivided attention sometime tomorrow during the day. i look forward to it! many thanks, hon. x

 

[butters]

walking underwater's weird

to breathe in green
feel sound ripple skin
as you sand-sink and, water-legged, half hop
to draw attention
of clowns and bats
and hope not to attract those distant, fluid shadows
or get clipped
in hard-edged pincer movements

small creatures, coy behind pale fans
follow your movements
enchanted by bubble trails and the smell of battle

fins jut stiff, hold them motionless against the swell
as you part the endless ribbons
as you look towards the light

they filter with rapid ruddy gills as you
cast off the umbilical
discard the weight
and with one smooth sweet kick
fly up to kiss the sky

 

[Angeline]

walking underwater's weird

to breathe in green
feel sound ripple skin
as you sand-sink and, water-legged, half hop
to draw attention
of clowns and bats
and hope not to attract those distant, fluid shadows
or get clipped
in hard-edged pincer movements

small creatures, coy behind pale fans
follow your movements
enchanted by bubble trails and the smell of battle

fins jut stiff, hold them motionless against the swell
as you part the endless ribbons
as you look towards the light

they filter with rapid ruddy gills as you
cast off the umbilical
discard the weight
and with one smooth sweet kick
fly up to kiss the sky

Definitely better.

How about "claws" or something more concrete for "movements"?

How about "clean" instead of "sweet" ?


I can't argue too much against Jimi Hendrix. I really, really love Little Wing.

maybe "taste" instead of kiss?

<'s you and the sky>

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Self-harm

They don't see the pain
too sharp to share
or speak, vying with numbness
against each slice and tear,
Eyes closed, beauty stripped
from life lies ugly on the floor
studding her feet.
They just see the scars.
.......................................

needs fleshing out you think?

 

[Angeline]

Self-harm

They don't see the pain
too sharp to share
or speak, vying with numbness
against each slice and tear,
Eyes closed, beauty stripped
from life lies ugly on the floor
studding her feet.
They just see the scars.
.......................................

needs fleshing out you think?

It's beautiful but yeah I think it's a beginning. If you could write three or four more little vignettes and number them or not but yes, more.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

It's beautiful but yeah I think it's a beginning. If you could write three or four more little vignettes and number them or not but yes, more.

thanks Angel it started as a 'woe is me' poem then I left it alone to brew!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

while we're at it what can you make out of this?

In charabancs and caravans
they came from miles around,
down dusty lanes and highways
on bicycles and foot.
Filling up the hostelries
and little B & Bs
though some it has been rumoured
got it on in ditches too.
All had been invited to
the ball to end all balls,
some came that couldn't even dance
but mainly for the food.
Strawberry pavlovas
and sausages on sticks,
mountains of mince pies
clotted cream and Bakewell tart.
All music tastes were catered for
orchestral, Eminem,
a 60s lot in kaftans
the jazzy lot as well.
There was cavorting under canvas
in gay abandon from the grape,
all of the Australians
knew every rugby song,
Comedians outstanding, then
they tangoed through the night,
till the world replete and happy
slept if off till half past eight.

 

[EroticOrogeny]

while we're at it what can you make out of this?

In charabancs and caravans
they came from miles around,
down dusty lanes and highways
on bicycles and foot.
Filling up the hostelries
and little B & Bs
though some it has been rumoured
got it on in ditches too.
All had been invited to
the ball to end all balls,
some came that couldn't even dance
but mainly for the food.
Strawberry pavlovas
and sausages on sticks,
mountains of mince pies
clotted cream and Bakewell tart.
All music tastes were catered for
orchestral, Eminem,
a 60s lot in kaftans
the jazzy lot as well.
There was cavorting under canvas
in gay abandon from the grape,
all of the Australians
knew every rugby song,
Comedians outstanding, then
they tangoed through the night,
till the world replete and happy
slept if off till half past eight.

Are you characterizing an actual event or an imagined one?
Quite a vivid picture - some sort of Woodstock / county fair affair.
Why half past eight - seems early in a way
(and 'if' s/b 'it' in last line, I assume).

 

[butters]

Definitely better.

How about "claws" or something more concrete for "movements"?
can't have 'pincer claws'... 'movements' is intended to allude to the way various members might surround/outflank/cut off another member or poem, clipping it/him/her back in some scuttling kind of way (scuttling, sinking ships, i know what i mean, lol) - so... trying to tie that in with military style/aggressive action which takes me into using the word 'battle' - something more concrete? right now i can't think of where else to take it and remain where i am, if you get me. time will no doubt offer up ideas

How about "clean" instead of "sweet" ?
perhaps i need to lose sweet altogether, though i like the joy it implies... it's there simply as it arrived, following through from 'swell/weight/smooth' - Sound does that with me. doesn't ask, just goes there. leaves me to pick up the pieces.


I can't argue too much against Jimi Hendrix. I really, really love Little Wing.

maybe "taste" instead of kiss?

<'s you and the sky>

right now i don't want to lose that, but then i'm still tied by 'sweet's mood. yeah, i wanna kiss the sky - and you


okies, off for an Asda run (well, walk) then when i get back, i am sitting down with your rewrite.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Are you characterizing an actual event or an imagined one?
Quite a vivid picture - some sort of Woodstock / county fair affair.
Why half past eight - seems early in a way
(and 'if' s/b 'it' in last line, I assume).

A Woodstock sort of thing yes but for the whole world to get together. I agree half past eight sounds early and worried me too but I was going for a near rhyme and that's all I came up with! Thanks for seeing the typo, it's odd how many times you read things through and still miss them

 

[butters]

coming back to this - want to find the original and compare them...

Chagall's Bride (reworked)

I sail into midnight
in a gown of cobwebs, firefly
earrings. I skim barefoot
past spirits, float above
those mooncalves, Calibans
who wonder and stumble.

I trail memory
in a dusty blue wake,
singing thin hymns to the night.
It swallows them whole.

Tears skate my cheeks like mercury.
They burn and fall silver beads
each starry story a particle
of promise to dot the skies
with sabbath blessings
pulling air to me twice,
pulling HaShem to me.

My whispers curse darkness
and shatter yarzheit candles.
Crows glide up from earth
and speak from empty eyes.
Perhaps they see angels.

I am occupied. I must scatter
barren ground with prayer
and so the Perseids
are active tonight.

ok, looking at v1:

good call about losing the 'zombies' - your mooncalves and calibans say it pretty damningly as it is. i am less convinced with your reworking of the firefly earrings: firefly on the end, well, ok, i can see that, but then earrings are stuck on their own. i prefer the original v's layout there, but would lose the 'in' start L3. it seems a shame, to me, to break up that great L 4. others may disagree, but it feels just right as it is and as i read it aloud:

I sail into midnight
in a gown of cobwebs,
firefly earrings.
I skim barefoot past spirits,

i'd probably suggest 'float above mooncalves', omitting the 'those', and drop 'calibans' to start the next line i.e Calibans below, who wonder and stumble. must calibans be capitalised?

V2: you've abbreviated L1, losing that ing, and so i'm not sure that singing should remain as it is or it, too, should read better as 'sing' ... and wonder how bad you want to keep 'the night' as personified as it now stands? (<-- that's me, wondering) How about:

I trail memory
in a dusty blue wake,
sing thin hymns to a night
that swallows them whole.

V3: thank gods you didn't change that first line. i love that line! L2, should that read 'as silver beads' or are you missing a comma? really like the tightening of the rest of it, there. the last line, so breathy, sibilant...

Tears skate my cheeks like mercury.
They burn and fall (?)silver beads
each starry story a particle
of promise to dot the skies
with sabbath blessings
pulling air to me twice,
pulling HaShem to me.


V4: i can see where you're trimming back well enough, but still question the 'and' start L2, and wonder if the second (L4) might be better as a 'to', or if they're simply best left alone as you have them now. i cannot decide which i prefer, sorry yes, for dropping the last line you did - i think where you end V4 now works pretty good and implies what you took out. maybe that 'they' needs italicising to stress that? dunno. some readers will find themselves reading it that way already, some won't but might get around to it if they read through more than once to feel it in their mouths. i think i like it best without the italicising, leaves the breathiness of Perhaps to work its sad whimsy.

My whispers curse darkness
and shatter yarzheit candles.
Crows glide up from earth
and speak from empty eyes.
Perhaps they see angels.

V5: spot on - i loved it before, with its radiant dust, but the inclusion of the Perseids does its work there. the break of mood with 'I am occupied' is a fine turnabout, Angeline, and the linebreak following 'I must scatter' is perfection imo. (unless you've seen a certain dr who episode where rose has looked into the time vortex and is scattering herself, words, atoms across the universe you may not get just why i like that so much, but it makes your imagery even more potent for me - lots of radiant dust sparkling away across space there!). could this work without the 'and so'?

I am occupied. I must scatter
barren ground with prayer
and so the Perseids
are active tonight.



well there ya go, Angiebaby, for whatever my thoughts may be worth, this is how i'm thinking about your rewrite. x

 

[homunculus]

mixed

" Yes there are lots of metaphors in the poem, but I don't think they're mixed (a mixed metaphor is when you combine two unrelated metaphors). Anyway, the thing that skates is tears, which I think is fine because "to skate" means to slip and slide. That's one of the definitions of the word. So tears can skate. Mercury beads up in little balls but it also slides. So in the poem tears skate down a face and those tears are like mercury in that then they burn and bead up. So the metaphor (simile actually) is between tears and mercury, not mercury and skate. And this is all happening in a night sky so when the beads fall they are like stars."

Well, "skate" is a metaphor in context--so skate to tears to mercury to stars. Think of mercury and stars--doesn't work, really. Think of tears and mercury and stars--too much. And so on. I think the progression shows strain. The poem would say more and mean more if it were shorter and the writing in greater control.

 

[Angeline]

" Yes there are lots of metaphors in the poem, but I don't think they're mixed (a mixed metaphor is when you combine two unrelated metaphors). Anyway, the thing that skates is tears, which I think is fine because "to skate" means to slip and slide. That's one of the definitions of the word. So tears can skate. Mercury beads up in little balls but it also slides. So in the poem tears skate down a face and those tears are like mercury in that then they burn and bead up. So the metaphor (simile actually) is between tears and mercury, not mercury and skate. And this is all happening in a night sky so when the beads fall they are like stars."

Well, "skate" is a metaphor in context--so skate to tears to mercury to stars. Think of mercury and stars--doesn't work, really. Think of tears and mercury and stars--too much. And so on. I think the progression shows strain. The poem would say more and mean more if it were shorter and the writing in greater control.

I don't have much background in linguistics so maybe you can explain metaphor in context to me. I do understand that meaning is always derived within context, but I also know that what is "skating" is the tears, not the mercury--and therefore it's irrelevant whether mercury skates or not (even though you could argue that it does: I've had mercury in the palm of my hand and it slides). I mean I could say "her big nose like a grapefruit," which implies the nose is big and of a cerain shape, but does not imply the grapefruit is big.

Also mercury as well as being a substance is a star and a planet, so there are lots of associations that, to my mind, make it work. It's a poem after all and in my opinion good poems can take you in a number of different directions, depending on how you read it. I'm not necessarily saying my poem is "good," mind you, that's up to readers ultimately.

I respect your opinion but don't agree that the progression shows strain or is too much. Maybe it sounds somewhat emotionally overwrought but it's supposed to: I see this woman in these paintings as somewhat hysterical. I am about to rework it though so I'll think about your point again as I write. Also I'd appreciate it if you could give me examples of where you think the writing shows lack of control. I'm interested in your opinion though I may or may not agree with it.

Overall I appreciate your taking the time to help and keep me thinking through all this.

 

[Angeline]

coming back to this - want to find the original and compare them...




ok, looking at v1:

good call about losing the 'zombies' - your mooncalves and calibans say it pretty damningly as it is. i am less convinced with your reworking of the firefly earrings: firefly on the end, well, ok, i can see that, but then earrings are stuck on their own. i prefer the original v's layout there, but would lose the 'in' start L3. it seems a shame, to me, to break up that great L 4. others may disagree, but it feels just right as it is and as i read it aloud:

I sail into midnight
in a gown of cobwebs,
firefly earrings.
I skim barefoot past spirits,

i'd probably suggest 'float above mooncalves', omitting the 'those', and drop 'calibans' to start the next line i.e Calibans below, who wonder and stumble. must calibans be capitalised?

V2: you've abbreviated L1, losing that ing, and so i'm not sure that singing should remain as it is or it, too, should read better as 'sing' ... and wonder how bad you want to keep 'the night' as personified as it now stands? (<-- that's me, wondering) How about:

I trail memory
in a dusty blue wake,
sing thin hymns to a night
that swallows them whole.

V3: thank gods you didn't change that first line. i love that line! L2, should that read 'as silver beads' or are you missing a comma? really like the tightening of the rest of it, there. the last line, so breathy, sibilant...

Tears skate my cheeks like mercury.
They burn and fall (?)silver beads
each starry story a particle
of promise to dot the skies
with sabbath blessings
pulling air to me twice,
pulling HaShem to me.


V4: i can see where you're trimming back well enough, but still question the 'and' start L2, and wonder if the second (L4) might be better as a 'to', or if they're simply best left alone as you have them now. i cannot decide which i prefer, sorry yes, for dropping the last line you did - i think where you end V4 now works pretty good and implies what you took out. maybe that 'they' needs italicising to stress that? dunno. some readers will find themselves reading it that way already, some won't but might get around to it if they read through more than once to feel it in their mouths. i think i like it best without the italicising, leaves the breathiness of Perhaps to work its sad whimsy.

My whispers curse darkness
and shatter yarzheit candles.
Crows glide up from earth
and speak from empty eyes.
Perhaps they see angels.

V5: spot on - i loved it before, with its radiant dust, but the inclusion of the Perseids does its work there. the break of mood with 'I am occupied' is a fine turnabout, Angeline, and the linebreak following 'I must scatter' is perfection imo. (unless you've seen a certain dr who episode where rose has looked into the time vortex and is scattering herself, words, atoms across the universe you may not get just why i like that so much, but it makes your imagery even more potent for me - lots of radiant dust sparkling away across space there!). could this work without the 'and so'?

I am occupied. I must scatter
barren ground with prayer
and so the Perseids
are active tonight.



well there ya go, Angiebaby, for whatever my thoughts may be worth, this is how i'm thinking about your rewrite. x

Thank you, a million thank yous! I'm going to redo it now and see how I like your suggestions--but skimming this they look great to me.

 

[Angeline]

I thought about your suggestions, Chip, and homunculus's that I tighten the poem overall and here's what I got. It takes it in a slightly different direction, not so sweet, which I think I prefer.

PS I'm not sure about "expires." I want to suggest the candle going out but not sure this is the right word. I may go a huntin in the thesaurus.



Chagall's Bride (Version three)

I sail into midnight
in a gown of cobwebs,
bare feet and firefly earrings.
I float above the mooncalves,
those calibans who wonder
and stumble.

I trail memory
in a sepia wake, singing
thin hymns to a vast blue,
varigated and bruised it swallows
them whole.

Tears skate my cheeks
in silver beads to burn
like mercury, each starry
drop a promise exploded.
Still I bless the air twice,
pulling HaShem to me.

My whispers curse darkness;
a yarzheit candle expires.
Crows glide up from earth
to speak from empty eyes.
Perhaps they see angels.

I see barren ground. I must scatter
the radiant dust of prayer
so the Perseids are active
tonight.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I hope you don't think I am a pain in the butt but I think you've chopped too far, I loved the way it rolled off my tongue before and now it seems more stilted

 

[Angeline]

I hope you don't think I am a pain in the butt but I think you've chopped too far, I loved the way it rolled off my tongue before and now it seems more stilted

Lol, I don't mind at all Annie. I was just saying that I need to send it off somewhere and try to publish it. Push it out of the nest and move on to the next baby! It's definitely time for me to either send it or put it aside for a week or two.

friday also raised the question to me of whether it works if you don't know the paintings referenced in the title. So that's food for thought, too.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Lol, I don't mind at all Annie. I was just saying that I need to send it off somewhere and try to publish it. Push it out of the nest and move on to the next baby! It's definitely time for me to either send it or put it aside for a week or two.

friday also raised the question to me of whether it works if you don't know the paintings referenced in the title. So that's food for thought, too.

I'm going through a confidence thing here, you probably haven't noticed but I've stopped submitting again. Everyone is submitting poem after poem every day and it's made me wary that nothing I've got is good enough and as everything is being read now that I could get slated badly. I've had so many mixed comments one person says for goodness sake break out of all those forms and yet another says (when I submit free verse) this just looks forced written by you just go back to your forms. I don't know who I am or what to write anymore

 

[Angeline]

I'm going through a confidence thing here, you probably haven't noticed but I've stopped submitting again. Everyone is submitting poem after poem every day and it's made me wary that nothing I've got is good enough and as everything is being read now that I could get slated badly. I've had so many mixed comments one person says for goodness sake break out of all those forms and yet another says (when I submit free verse) this just looks forced written by you just go back to your forms. I don't know who I am or what to write anymore

You need to push through it and keep writing because you are really writing for you, first and foremost. I think you've always been very good with form and you have a natural flair for lyricism and rhyme. And I've found your forays into free verse to show steady growth. The last few of yours I read, the free verse pieces, were impressive imo and I'm picky.

Anyway there's competition here and we'll never be able to satisfy everyone so we satisfy ourselves or at least aim for that. And every comment, even the negative ones, can teach something.

You know I'm right!

 

[butters]

Lol, I don't mind at all Annie. I was just saying that I need to send it off somewhere and try to publish it. Push it out of the nest and move on to the next baby! It's definitely time for me to either send it or put it aside for a week or two.

friday also raised the question to me of whether it works if you don't know the paintings referenced in the title. So that's food for thought, too.

i think maybe stand back from this one for a week, Angeline - i kind of agree with annie that something's getting lost that was there before - something softer, more ... what? ethereal? i'm not sure, some whispery, starlighty quality. of course, if that's where you want it to go, then that's where you need to take it. you need to decide on which mood you want to capture, i guess. sometimes we mess too long and lose the original feel of a piece. done it myself plenty of times. (particularly when trying to accommodate suggestions made by multiple sources!). i'm not saying it's not strong as it is, just that i prefer the mood it trailed before.

as for friday's thought, well, this worked well enough for me not knowing the picture until i went looking, and think it still can stand strongly without that background knowledge.

I'm going through a confidence thing here, you probably haven't noticed but I've stopped submitting again. Everyone is submitting poem after poem every day and it's made me wary that nothing I've got is good enough and as everything is being read now that I could get slated badly. I've had so many mixed comments one person says for goodness sake break out of all those forms and yet another says (when I submit free verse) this just looks forced written by you just go back to your forms. I don't know who I am or what to write anymore

meh, we all go through that. i've felt quite daunted lately - so much great stuff going up! my eyes are falling out with reading so much on screen. use that as a spur to write to please yourself even better. you simply can NOT please everyone! if you're happiest 'in form' who's to tell you you must write out of it? there's no harm, and many benefits, in writing outside our comfort zones, but you have to go where you have to go - where your muse leads

 

[homunculus]

what I mean

Chagall's Bride (Version three)

Into midnight
in a gown of cobwebs, [can't make the grammar work after since in modifies...]
bare feet and firefly earrings.
I float above the mooncalves,
calibans who wonder
and stumble.

I trail memory
in a sepia wake, singing [does singing modify memory or wake?]
hymns to a vast blue,
varigated and bruised
it swallows them whole.

Tears skate my cheeks--
mercury, stars,
their promise exploded.
Still I bless the air twice,
pulling HaShem to me.

My whispers curse darkness.
A yarzheit candle expires.
Crows glide up from earth
to speak from empty eyes.
Perhaps they see angels.

I see barren ground.
I must scatter the dus
of prayerso the Perseids
may be active tonight.

'in a gown' should set up the the clauses that follow but feet can't work and then earrings go in yet another direction. Best to dedicate a sentence per, even if a fragmentary sentence

There--my take on your lovely poem. I think one is better off using just a few adjectives. Otherwise, the poem starts to sound cluttered and dated.

 

[twelveoone]

I thought about your suggestions, Chip, and homunculus's that I tighten the poem overall and here's what I got. It takes it in a slightly different direction, not so sweet, which I think I prefer.

PS I'm not sure about "expires." I want to suggest the candle going out but not sure this is the right word. I may go a huntin in the thesaurus.



Chagall's Bride (Version three)

I sail into midnight
in a gown of cobwebs,
bare feet and firefly earrings.
I float above the mooncalves,
those calibans who wonder
and stumble.

I trail memory
in a sepia wake, singing
thin hymns to a vast blue,
varigated and bruised it swallows
them whole.

Tears skate my cheeks
in silver beads to burn
like mercury, each starry
drop a promise exploded.
Still I bless the air twice,
pulling HaShem to me.

My whispers curse darkness;
a yarzheit candle expires.
Crows glide up from earth
to speak from empty eyes.
Perhaps they see angels.

I see barren ground. I must scatter
the radiant dust of prayer
so the Perseids are active
tonight.

Crows glide up from earth ( would seriously reconsider reinserting "the")
A dilemma every poem should have 5 of them.

the gives you the anapest makes it pop, changes the tone of speak
leaving it out mutes it, returns it to 2=D, I assume this is the painting

Either way it works, don'tcha just hate that?

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Inspired by hot n' spicy by Tristesse2. Originally posted on the passion thread as a rather frisky burst. Tristesse2 provided many suggestions through an edit, vastly improving my original effort. I accepted most and tweaked a bit more. You will notice her touch in this piece, so I can't take complete credit.

Criticism? Suggestions? Do you think it stinks? Any words seem too strange? Any line breaks in bad places?

Elephant skin is ready so blast away.

*******************

Hidden Theatre Steam

Nails feather her nape;
warmth unwinds.

Droplets open uncrossed legs,
exposing moist down.
Sweat seeks (roams) it's own path
in the cool theater.

Lover's hand drifts,
drawn toward the damp.

Lips part.
A single morsel pleases.
Tongue twirls,
mixing sweet and salt.

Circles spread,
widening ripples of response.

Nipples rise
as longing swirls
and quintessence trembles
soft echoes in the shadows.

Frisson cascades.

A puff escapes her lips.

Popcorn rockets in the dark.

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Inspired by hot n' spicy by Tristesse2. Originally posted on the passion thread as a rather frisky burst. Tristesse2 provided many suggestions through an edit, vastly improving my original effort. I accepted most and tweaked a bit more. You will notice her touch in this piece, so I can't take complete credit.

Criticism? Suggestions? Do you think it stinks? Any words seem too strange? Any line breaks in bad places?

Elephant skin is ready so blast away.

*******************

Hidden Theatre Steam

Nails feather her nape;
warmth unwinds.

Droplets open uncrossed legs,
exposing moist down.
Sweat seeks (roams) it's own path
in the cool theater.

Lover's hand drifts,
drawn toward the damp.

Lips part.
A single morsel pleases.
Tongue twirls,
mixing sweet and salt.

Circles spread,
widening ripples of response.

Nipples rise
as longing swirls
and quintessence trembles
soft echoes in the shadows.

Frisson cascades.

A puff escapes her lips.

Popcorn rockets in the dark.

v2

Nails feather her nape
as warmth unwinds.

Sweat roams a path;
droplets open uncrossed legs,
exposing moist down
in the cool theater.

Lover's hand drifts,
drawn toward the damp.

Lips part.
A single morsel pleases.
Tongue twirls,
mixing sweet and salt.

Circles spread,
widening ripples of response.

Nipples rise
as longing swirls
and quintessence trembles
soft echoes in the shadows.

Frisson cascades.

A puff escapes moist lips.

Popcorn rockets in the dark.

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

v2

Nails feather her nape
as warmth unwinds.

Sweat roams a path;
droplets open uncrossed legs,
exposing moist down
in the cool theater.

Lover's hand drifts,
drawn toward the damp.

Lips part.
A single morsel pleases.
Tongue twirls,
mixing sweet and salt.

Circles spread,
widening ripples of response.

Nipples rise
as longing swirls
and quintessence trembles
soft echoes in the shadows.

Frisson cascades.

A puff escapes moist lips.

Popcorn rockets in the dark.

v3

Hidden Theatre Steam

Nails feather her nape
and warmth unwinds.
Droplets open uncrossed legs,
exposing moist down as
sweat seeks a sultry path
in the cool theater.

Tongue twirls in fiery need
on white teeth.
Hunger parts pink lips
as salty morsels please,
burning silent moans,
in the cool theatre.

Drawn toward the scent,
the lover's hand drifts.
Steam pours
through weeping walls,
dampening silk cloth as
dew flows a heated trail
in the cool theatre.

Circles spread,
widening ripples of response.
Nipples tease cotton comfort
as longing swirls
and quintessence trembles
hot echoes in the shadows
of the cool theatre.

A puff escapes her lips.

Popcorn rockets in the dark.

v4

Hidden Theater Steam

Nails feather her nape
and warmth unwinds.
Droplets open uncrossed legs,
sudden sweat seeks sultry paths
in the cool theater.

Tongue twirls fired need
and frisson exudes.
Hunger parts pink lips;
salty morsels blaze fragrant flames
in the cool theater.

Drawn toward the scent,
the lover's hand drifts.
Steam pours warm dew;
weeping walls flow heated trails
in the cool theater.

Circles spread,
widening ripples of response.
Nipples tease cotton comfort;
seering swirls tempt silent moans
in the cool theater.

Two staggered breaths.

Quintessence echos through the shadows.

A puff escapes her lips.

Popcorn rockets in the dark.

Red--I do not like.