polyamory.......do's don'ts and opinions

[kayte]

A thought has occurred to me. This question is directed to those of you who are in openly poly relationships.

How did you "come out" to friends and family? Are there any tips you can offer us as we move forward?

Des ~ Good morning sis!!! So you did like the phrase I used. Hopefully there will be some expertiese out there that we can draw on.

 

[Desdemona]

Des ~ Good morning sis!!! So you did like the phrase I used. Hopefully there will be some expertiese out there that we can draw on.

Sis I'm fond of a great many things about you including the way you can turn a phrase. I hope we'll get some advice from the veteran poly folks among us.

 

[Shadowsdream]

A thought has occurred to me. This question is directed to those of you who are in openly poly relationships.

How did you "come out" to friends and family? Are there any tips you can offer us as we move forward?

I feel that I should be answering here and helping out but perhaps I am not the best one to do so....as...My BDSM lifestyle has been so open that I never reallly *came out* so to speak about My poly relationships...My conversations just included *all* of My toys when I referred to anything in O/our lives.
So...I can only answer to how to ADD the element to the conversations you are already having with those that are in the *know* of your activities.
Be casual...honest...caring...positive...light hearted...answer thoughtful questions without embarrassment or apology just as you would have answered before becoming poly.
It is the pride and comfort in your relationships that will bring understanding.

 

[Desdemona]

I feel that I should be answering here and helping out but perhaps I am not the best one to do so....as...My BDSM lifestyle has been so open that I never reallly *came out* so to speak about My poly relationships...My conversations just included *all* of My toys when I referred to anything in O/our lives.
So...I can only answer to how to ADD the element to the conversations you are already having with those that are in the *know* of your activities.
Be casual...honest...caring...positive...light hearted...answer thoughtful questions without embarrassment or apology just as you would have answered before becoming poly.
It is the pride and comfort in your relationships that will bring understanding.

Thank you Shadows. That has been my general approach to everything, so it should work.

A couple of my friends who already know are convinced I'm just going through some sort of strange phase. Time will take care of that misperception. I find it pretty amusing, in all honesty.

 

[kayte]

I feel that I should be answering here and helping out but perhaps I am not the best one to do so....as...My BDSM lifestyle has been so open that I never reallly *came out* so to speak about My poly relationships...My conversations just included *all* of My toys when I referred to anything in O/our lives.
So...I can only answer to how to ADD the element to the conversations you are already having with those that are in the *know* of your activities.
Be casual...honest...caring...positive...light hearted...answer thoughtful questions without embarrassment or apology just as you would have answered before becoming poly.
It is the pride and comfort in your relationships that will bring understanding.

Shadows ~ Thank you for your feedback and your knowledge. The positive spin that people can put on anything does do so much for the acceptance by others. It is the comfort, strength and pride that does bring the smile to any response to a question.

 

[FungiUg]

Hard work!

I have a "semi-open" relationship with an amazing woman. By "semi-open" I mean we include other people in our sex play occasionally, and we can if we wish play with other people, but it's not the preferred option.

But mostly I think about it as being open because that's what we are with each other. Open about everything. No exclusions.

We don't share everything -- we live separate lives, have separate interests and so on. She has kids from a previous marriage. But we talk about everything; we're open about everything. And we do our best to be open minded as well.

So I'm not sure I would count that as "poly-amour", since I only have one love. But I do enjoy sex with many women, not just my lover.

And it's been hard work. We've had more than one mis-communication, more than one occasion of getting carried away and not thinking clearly about the other person (*guilty*), more than one very hard emotional "discussion." It's not an easy lifestyle choice.

At the same time, it's saved the relationship. If I were with anyone else, I can't imagine being able to introduce D/s with a partner who is not into it. She's just as dominant (and stubborn and determined and pig-headed and mulish) as I am! Neither of us can submit and enjoy it.

But because she is open minded, and because we can talk about everything and because she tries hard not to judge... (and because she's bi-sexual, can't forget that!) I have been able to introduce her to the pleasures of having a submissive woman to play with and call her "Mistress."

She's still new to it, and still unsure of herself, but she has already gotten over the initial hurdles and instead of my D/s desires and frustrations tearing apart, we've been able to use them to add more to our own relationship.

So... it is hard work. But sometimes, it's worth it.

I can only reiterate the earlier statements about dealing openly, no lying, no "mind games" or playing people off against each other, no "us and him/her" situations, strategies for dealing with jealousy talked about and in-hand... all of those are necessary. Go into it open eyed, recognising that you have to work hard to make it work at all. But... also recognising that the hard work can be worth it!

 

[kayte]

Re: Hard work!

I have a "semi-open" relationship with an amazing woman. By "semi-open" I mean we include other people in our sex play occasionally, and we can if we wish play with other people, but it's not the preferred option.

But mostly I think about it as being open because that's what we are with each other. Open about everything. No exclusions.

We don't share everything -- we live separate lives, have separate interests and so on. She has kids from a previous marriage. But we talk about everything; we're open about everything. And we do our best to be open minded as well.

So I'm not sure I would count that as "poly-amour", since I only have one love. But I do enjoy sex with many women, not just my lover.

And it's been hard work. We've had more than one mis-communication, more than one occasion of getting carried away and not thinking clearly about the other person (*guilty*), more than one very hard emotional "discussion." It's not an easy lifestyle choice.

At the same time, it's saved the relationship. If I were with anyone else, I can't imagine being able to introduce D/s with a partner who is not into it. She's just as dominant (and stubborn and determined and pig-headed and mulish) as I am! Neither of us can submit and enjoy it.

But because she is open minded, and because we can talk about everything and because she tries hard not to judge... (and because she's bi-sexual, can't forget that!) I have been able to introduce her to the pleasures of having a submissive woman to play with and call her "Mistress."

She's still new to it, and still unsure of herself, but she has already gotten over the initial hurdles and instead of my D/s desires and frustrations tearing apart, we've been able to use them to add more to our own relationship.

So... it is hard work. But sometimes, it's worth it.

I can only reiterate the earlier statements about dealing openly, no lying, no "mind games" or playing people off against each other, no "us and him/her" situations, strategies for dealing with jealousy talked about and in-hand... all of those are necessary. Go into it open eyed, recognising that you have to work hard to make it work at all. But... also recognising that the hard work can be worth it!

FungiUg ~ Thank you so much for sharing your life choices and the hurdles you have overcome. I do agree it is hard work. I don't agree with the 'sometimes'. It is worth it. For me and for the rest of us. It is a journey and I can see it unfolding. I know we will make it together.

 

[daisie]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Anelize's gf speaks

It is posted. Mostly what defines a realistic D/s relationship, and if fantasies get in the way of us finding realism.

I hate getting into a thread late. But I have to lose my virginity somehow.

This is a common theme in my writing: people who wouldn't be able to handle the realities of their fetish/fantasy.

Ever hung out in the BDSM chatroom? Bring up puppy or pony games, and they think you're talking about beastiality. I'm pretty sure that most of the girls on their virtual knees would turn tail and run in the presence of a real, strong-willed Dominant.

*drops two cents in bucket*

d

 

[FungiUg]

I think that's a little unfair. You will always get a mixture of people, some more into it than others, some just as fantasy, some as a way of life. There's nothing wrong with that. To each their own.

Offers to walk the pony...

 

[daisie]

I think that's a little unfair. You will always get a mixture of people, some more into it than others, some just as fantasy, some as a way of life. There's nothing wrong with that. To each their own.

Offers to walk the pony...

*grin*

A healthy fantasy life is good, even if you never try the things you fantasize about.

I get annoyed when people who are supposedly into BDSM judge me for my fetishes.

Better?



D

 

[FungiUg]

I get annoyed when people who are supposedly into BDSM judge me for my fetishes.

I agree. When I joined up with BDSM munches and chat rooms, I expected people to be open minded, non-judgemental. Sadly, BDSM people are just as judgemental as everyone else.

I think the part that annoyed me most was being told I wasn't a "real Dom" (whatever that is) because I wasn't into BDSM as a lifetyle. And because I had a "vanilla" (whatever that is) partner.

Does anyone have a good definition for "vanilla"? To be honest, I don't think there really is such a thing... other than people who are sexually repressed.

 

[daisie]

I agree....

OooOOoo Fungi, sweetie, reply to this! I want you to lose your virginity to me.

Heh.

D

 

[FungiUg]

OooOOoo Fungi, sweetie, reply to this! I want you to lose your virginity to me.

Too late, I lost it to someone else! (I hope it was good for her...)

 

[daisie]

Too late, I lost it to someone else! (I hope it was good for her...)

Damn!

Well, perhaps one day I'll make you REALLY experienced.

D

 

[FungiUg]

Damn!
Well, perhaps one day I'll make you REALLY experienced.
D

My dear lady, I am flattered, truly flattered!

Bows outrageously, and falls out of his chair whilst doing so.

 

[Ebonyfire]

A thought has occurred to me. This question is directed to those of you who are in openly poly relationships.

How did you "come out" to friends and family? Are there any tips you can offer us as we move forward?

Well, I just don't bother to explain the details of my personal life to anyone.

My friends know that I am not particularly monogamous. My SO and I are free to do what we want with whomever we want. the ground rules are no lying, and no details. I also believe in having my own place, so there are no awkward moments.

My subs, are all part-time, and I do not have to explain anything ot them, nor do they expect explanations.

 

[Desdemona]

I know that works for you Eb. I'm just considering options at this point.