Power and Control

[SweetErika]

Well I'm going to try and explain how the BDSM dynamic works for us (thanks Erika for bringing my attention to this thread )

Gil and I live together but our relationship does not contain BDSM all the time. Most of it takes place in the bedroom where Master is in charge and I willingly obey. We both have limits on things we will do, for instance neither of us like spanking to the point of bloodiness, or watersports/scat play. Safewords are in place - "yellow" for slow down and "red" for STOP NOW. These words are strictly honoured. My soft limits are pushed and I've been pleasantly surprised that things I was previously apprehensive about are now a regular part of our sexual play. So in effect I as the sub am in control of how far the play goes, but he also will stop things if he feels it is going to go too far. Once or twice I have been in "sub space" and have forgotten my safe word The Dom has to be able to "read" his submissive's reactions and act accordingly.

Our relationship may be different to most because Gil has health problems so part of what I do in the home is make sure he has his medications and set up the machine etc as well as prepare the meals and general housework. I'm lucky, we have a lady come in to do the cleaning once a fortnight

The relationship started out as D/s in the bedroom but I have a service oriented personality and so I've "taken over" the housework and cooking......it just seems natural to serve his meal before sitting down to eat mine, or sort out his medications or get the machine set up. I do this not because I've been told to, but because I want to. We share financial responsibility, each have our own bank accounts but I know his ATM PIN so I can get his money out for him when he's too ill to go to the shops. I know his email passwords so I can check his accounts, again if he's ill or in hospital. Trust and honesty are extremely important here as you can imagine!

If anyone has questions feel free to ask and I'll do my best to answer. However every BDSM relationship will be different, there is no set rule book, we take from it what we like and leave the rest.

Thanks for the perspective, Bandit! It sounds like your relationship exemplifies respect, honesty, and communication, and really is balanced.

While we have you here... Could you explain a little about what you and Gil get emotionally from being in the D/s roles? Do you have some sense of having power over his pleasure as well?

 

[SweetErika]

I can definitely relate to the extreme control issues.

For someone who likes to exercise control over others, there are some major ways in which my dad's vulnerable. He's essentially what I'd call functionally illiterate. While he can read and write, he can't do things like balance a checkbook, fill out forms, pay bills, etc. Money fights used to be really common when I was a child. Every payday he would berate my mother because after my mom bought groceries and paid the bills, there just wasn't that much money left. However, he was really good at squirreling money away to buy things that HE wanted, to the point where my maternal grandparents would step in to buy things that my mom, brother, and I needed. THEN he would accuse them of interfering.

Until I was about 10 or so, we had only one vehicle, and my dad took it to work. If a repairman had to come to the house, my mom had to have someone over to "babysit" because she wasn't allowed to be alone with another man. I used to hear them fight a lot about sex; I don't blame my mom for not wanting to have sex with someone who treated her so badly. Interestingly, when they did split up, it was my dad who left her for someone else. I imagine that he'd been cheating all along, but I can't prove that.

My dad always told my mother what she could wear, when she could bathe, and how often she was allowed to go to the bathroom. She wasn't allowed to wear makeup or nail polish, and she rarely got her hair cut (unless she did it herself). If my grandmother bought her new clothes, he'd immediately tear them up. After my brother was born, my mom gained weight. When she tried to lose weight, he'd accuse her of cheating; then he'd tell her how fat and ugly she was.

When my parents divorced, my mom lost 86 lbs. She looked good, but most importantly, she was finally starting to gain some much-needed confidence. THEN she let my dad come back.

There are some ways in which the balance of power in my parents' relationship has shifted somewhat, but my dad's still pretty abusive, particularly verbally. He's now unable to work due to a pretty significant neck injury that has affected his ability to use his arms and shoulders, so my mom is the sole breadwinner. Fortunately she has a decent job (in an area where decent jobs are often difficult to come by). He's not happy with that, because a woman's place is in the home, but I guess he's decided that it beats starving.

It's a great feat to not follow those role models, even in tiny ways. Do you know why your mom took him back? After all of those years, did she feel she needed to be controlled, or did that became her idea of a functional relationship?

 

[Bandit58]

Thanks for the perspective, Bandit! It sounds like your relationship exemplifies respect, honesty, and communication, and really is balanced.

While we have you here... Could you explain a little about what you and Gil get emotionally from being in the D/s roles? Do you have some sense of having power over his pleasure as well?

LOL I read your question out to Gil and he says "Of course you do!"

In play, respect and honesty is the basis of it all. If I didn't love him and respect him as I do, I could not trust him with my body and my emotions. It's a big thing for me to trust someone this much, having been hurt emotionally in the past. Also an older guy I was seeing on a casual basis tried something I absolutely did not like and was not ready to let him do. He physically hurt me and then tried to tell me that "it would be nothing compared to what your new Master will be doing to you", like it gave him carte blanche to do absolutely anything he wanted just because I was a submissive. He got put straight about that, and soon after I broke it off with him for good.

What do I get from it.......a sense of being totally loved and cherished. In play it's all about pleasing Master, with no thought to my own feelings or desires. If Master wants to tease me while I'm giving a blowjob, I have to try and concentrate on Him not what He is doing to me (which can be pretty difficult at times!) He practises orgasm denial which means I am not allowed to cum until Master says I can. I'm sure he gets the satisfaction of having the control of when I get my pleasure, and how strong the orgasms are. He has said he loves to watch ladies cum.......and I am so happy I am able to with him because he is the first partner I have been able to climax with.

 

[Eilan]

It's a great feat to not follow those role models, even in tiny ways. Do you know why your mom took him back? After all of those years, did she feel she needed to be controlled, or did that became her idea of a functional relationship?

I think one of the main reasons she took him back had to do with the fact that he suffered a permanently disabling c-spine injury. He hasn't been able to work since the early 90's, which was (and still is) a big blow to him because he's worked hard all his life. She felt sorry for him because he was unable to support himself for some time.

In the late 80's or thereabouts, because of the new circle of friends he acquired, my dad started drinking pretty heavily in the couple of years or so leading up to their divorce. While this made things worse, most of the abuse came when he was sober. When he drank, there was always this gray area between being silly drunk and passing out cold. If he was in the gray area, we'd all better look out. He hasn't touched any alcohol for probably 13 years, though.

I think that there's a part of her that doesn't feel that she deserves better. I wish I could change that, but I feel powerless to do so. Hell, she left him just a couple of months into the marriage, but he begged her to come back, promising that he'd change. She agreed, and I'm the result of that short-lived "reconciliation."

I've spent years trying to understand, but I don't think I'll ever truly grasp any of it. It's so frustrating. *sighs*

 

[Ricwilly]

It's fairly even here.

 

[KitsyKat]

So, what is control?

I think that several factors go into "control" in a relationship. My husband and I consider ourselves to be co-equals in most regards. We are both college educated, self employed professionals, so money is not an issue (I also am blessed with a good deal of inherited family money -- both grandfathers were classic "Robber Barons" -- but that is cash I do not touch save for the occasional splurge). In terms of house stuff, we have a maid in twice a week; I figure paying her $100 a day frees me to do my own lucrative things. But: I do laundry every Saturday, and make sure that the house is orderly. He does all the yard stuff that he does not wish to leave to the guy who tends the outside. About five hours of good work for each of us, on both days.

Sexually. Ah, now, that is the rub in many relationships. Let's face it: men are stronger, and I like for him to take the initiative....most of the time, at any rate. But if I happen to want something in particular -- for instance, cunnilingus for awhile longer, even though he is ready to fuck me -- I say so, and he goes along with me (bless him!).

And there are the days when I am hyperhorny, and I ambush him when he comes in the door -- I work from a home office -- and wrest him down to the floor and get out his cock and suck him until he is ready to give me a good hard ride right there on the rug.

He knows -- and I know -- that I like an occasional bit of roughness, to be treated like a slut and to obey his command to suck his cock. And when I feel the need for discipline, I deliberately irk him, in the knowledge that he will put me across his lap and spank my bottom until it is red and stinging. Ouch! But I can also feel his penis getting good and hard as he whacks me, and I know that when I beg him to stop, he is going to give me a good good good hard fucking.

From what girl friends tell me, "control" often revolves around (a) money and (b) who takes the lead in sex. I would hate to be in a relationship where the man always chose when to have sex, and if I was horny and he was not, well, tough luck, girl, go masturbate.

All in all, what we hae works.

Kath akaKitsyKat

 

[SweetErika]

I think that several factors go into "control" in a relationship. My husband and I consider ourselves to be co-equals in most regards. We are both college educated, self employed professionals, so money is not an issue (I also am blessed with a good deal of inherited family money -- both grandfathers were classic "Robber Barons" -- but that is cash I do not touch save for the occasional splurge). In terms of house stuff, we have a maid in twice a week; I figure paying her $100 a day frees me to do my own lucrative things. But: I do laundry every Saturday, and make sure that the house is orderly. He does all the yard stuff that he does not wish to leave to the guy who tends the outside. About five hours of good work for each of us, on both days.

Sexually. Ah, now, that is the rub in many relationships. Let's face it: men are stronger, and I like for him to take the initiative....most of the time, at any rate. But if I happen to want something in particular -- for instance, cunnilingus for awhile longer, even though he is ready to fuck me -- I say so, and he goes along with me (bless him!).

And there are the days when I am hyperhorny, and I ambush him when he comes in the door -- I work from a home office -- and wrest him down to the floor and get out his cock and suck him until he is ready to give me a good hard ride right there on the rug.

He knows -- and I know -- that I like an occasional bit of roughness, to be treated like a slut and to obey his command to suck his cock. And when I feel the need for discipline, I deliberately irk him, in the knowledge that he will put me across his lap and spank my bottom until it is red and stinging. Ouch! But I can also feel his penis getting good and hard as he whacks me, and I know that when I beg him to stop, he is going to give me a good good good hard fucking.

From what girl friends tell me, "control" often revolves around (a) money and (b) who takes the lead in sex. I would hate to be in a relationship where the man always chose when to have sex, and if I was horny and he was not, well, tough luck, girl, go masturbate.

All in all, what we hae works.

Kath akaKitsyKat

That's great, and thanks for sharing your situation!

(You, everyone) Does one partner control the money and/or sex more in your relationship? What effects (positive or negative) has that had?

 

[Eilan]

(You, everyone) Does one partner control the money and/or sex more in your relationship? What effects (positive or negative) has that had?

Since I'm a stay-at-home-mom, my husband is (obviously) the one who makes the money. When it comes to who has control over the finances, however, it depends on whoever decides to sit down and pay the bills. I tend to do it more often than my hubby because I usually have more time (or I'm more likely to think about it).

As for sex, I'll have to think about it. I don't know that anyone controls when/how we have sex. I also don't know that either of us has ever turned the other down.

 

[Ezzy]

And there are the days when I am hyperhorny, and I ambush him when he comes in the door -- I work from a home office -- and wrest him down to the floor and get out his cock and suck him until he is ready to give me a good hard ride right there on the rug.

Goodness help you the day the phone is out and he brings home his mother and yours!

 

[SweetErika]

Since I'm a stay-at-home-mom, my husband is (obviously) the one who makes the money. When it comes to who has control over the finances, however, it depends on whoever decides to sit down and pay the bills. I tend to do it more often than my hubby because I usually have more time (or I'm more likely to think about it).

As for sex, I'll have to think about it. I don't know that anyone controls when/how we have sex. I also don't know that either of us has ever turned the other down.

Yeah, we kind of work the same way regarding money, but I have to say I moderate it more. My husband always has a long list of "wants"...some very expensive ones and a bunch of smaller items. He could certainly manage and not get into debt on his own, but we wouldn't be as far ahead as we are without my input (I push for buying the wants when he gets gift money, or putting it off for a few months). So I would say I have a fair amount of power and control regarding finances, but we also compromise a lot, agree on groundrules, and he can really go buy anything he wants at any time in the end.

The sex is mutual. We both have the power to initiate, accept, turn down, and take care of ourselves. I might initiate a little more, but a lot of that's because I'm really afraid of getting into a no sex rut, and crave the intimacy. It usually doesn't feel imbalanced though.

 

[Eilan]

My husband always has a long list of "wants"...some very expensive ones and a bunch of smaller items.

Mine, too. Recently he wanted a surround sound system for our bedroom. He decided to get one and put it on our credit card. But that wasn't as big a deal as it would have been a year or two ago because within the next month, about 90% of our credit card debt (the vast majority of which we both got stuck with because of our exes) will be GONE!! The remaining 10 or so percent will be gone within the next six months.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm shamelessly bumping because I think there's still a lot of discussion to be had and we have some great newbies.

My husband and I were talking about what makes people want power and control, and what's really behind controlling behavior. I'd be curious to hear others' thoughts.

Also, how do you deal with someone who is hell-bent on taking/keeping control (assuming you want to maintain a relationship with them), even in something as simple as a conversation? Do you talk to them? If so, what are some approaches that won't put them on the defensive right away?

 

[Bandit58]

I'm shamelessly bumping because I think there's still a lot of discussion to be had and we have some great newbies.

My husband and I were talking about what makes people want power and control, and what's really behind controlling behavior. I'd be curious to hear others' thoughts.

Also, how do you deal with someone who is hell-bent on taking/keeping control (assuming you want to maintain a relationship with them), even in something as simple as a conversation? Do you talk to them? If so, what are some approaches that won't put them on the defensive right away?

Insecurity would be one reason behind controlling behaviour - my ex husband was jealous and insecure and so he would try to control me by putting me down and playing on my lack of self esteem (which he definitely had a hand in).

He felt threatened when I started to go out and meet new people when I got my job at the school and my time was taken up with other things besides him and the farm. Even after I left him he'd use the kids as emotional blackmail, or try to make me feel guilty by talking about all the debt he would be in. He even said to me on the phone, when my daughter could hear every word, that he might as well kill himself now and get it over with, that made me so angry

Guilt.....I felt bad because I was the one who left, who broke up the family, and he played on that and still does (luckily I have hardly any contact with him now). Since I left I've done a lot of reading and I feel that my submissive nature, desire to please and low self esteem contributed immensely to the situation I found myself in. But now I'm in a relationship where that part of me is loved and appreciated. I'm no longer ashamed of what makes me the way I am, I've found ME and I'm having a lot of fun with it

 

[damnewc]

Wow Erika, what an amazing thread! Great stuff to think about and consider here...

I would like to post more on the topic about my love and I, but I have this list of stuff she wants me to do before she gets home from work and if I know what's good for me, I better get it done!

 

[silverwhisper]

erika queried
my husband and i were talking about what makes people want power and control, and what's really behind controlling behavior.

i've always felt that such people are subconsciously attempting to regain control over their childhood circumstances: physical or emotional abuse victims, for example; or those whose parents were like that. others are just such attention whores that they don't care what cost they have to pay so long as they're the center of attention. oops, sorry: a little remnant bile from an unpleasant memory. :> on a lighter note: some of course just hate silence so much they feel the need to fill any perceived gap in the conversation.

erika queried
also, how do you deal with someone who is hell-bent on taking/keeping control (assuming you want to maintain a relationship with them), even in something as simple as a conversation? do you talk to them? if so, what are some approaches that won't put them on the defensive right away?

honestly, i try to avoid them, or steer the conversation away from topics which lend themselves to one-upsmanship games, such as common interests in entertainment (books, movies, TV): it's hard to one-up someone when you're just talking about what you like/dislike.

i try not to offer my dimestore pop psych crap uninvited. :> with that in mind however, if i have to deal w/ such people and cannot, for whatever reasons, steer the conversation adequately, my methods include:

1. interrupt right back, saying, "excuse me: i wasn't finished", delivered with an icy look. if they won't shut the fuck up, i turn on my heel and walk away. my parents are allowed to lecture me. my wife is allowed to lecture me. my select friends are allowed to lecture me. but that's it.
2. b/c i am secure in myself enough not to need the spotlight, i phrase my responses--since obviously, i'm not the one driving the conversation--as neutrally or non-committally as possible. by so doing, i eliminate possible targets for conflict and/or disagreement. where that's impossible, i keep things rigidly logical and try to remain dispassionate.

or was this not what you had in mind?

ed

 

[SweetErika]

Insecurity would be one reason behind controlling behaviour - my ex husband was jealous and insecure and so he would try to control me by putting me down and playing on my lack of self esteem (which he definitely had a hand in).

He felt threatened when I started to go out and meet new people when I got my job at the school and my time was taken up with other things besides him and the farm. Even after I left him he'd use the kids as emotional blackmail, or try to make me feel guilty by talking about all the debt he would be in. He even said to me on the phone, when my daughter could hear every word, that he might as well kill himself now and get it over with, that made me so angry

Guilt.....I felt bad because I was the one who left, who broke up the family, and he played on that and still does (luckily I have hardly any contact with him now). Since I left I've done a lot of reading and I feel that my submissive nature, desire to please and low self esteem contributed immensely to the situation I found myself in. But now I'm in a relationship where that part of me is loved and appreciated. I'm no longer ashamed of what makes me the way I am, I've found ME and I'm having a lot of fun with it

Thanks for sharing your story, Bandit! What a strong, incredible lady you are, and I'm so glad you're finally getting the happiness and love you clearly deserve.

Your theory on insecurity made me think about how that affects me and the people I know. There have been many times I was insecure, and it was difficult to let go of things. Now I'm dealing with a situation where there is a lot of jealousy and insecurity from someone else, and it certainly makes sense with their recent behavior.

 

[SweetErika]

Wow Erika, what an amazing thread! Great stuff to think about and consider here...

I would like to post more on the topic about my love and I, but I have this list of stuff she wants me to do before she gets home from work and if I know what's good for me, I better get it done!

Thanks, and I hope you'll come back and post your thoughts when you get a chance! Hopefully your woman will duly note and reward for your perserverence, too.

 

[SweetErika]

i've always felt that such people are subconsciously attempting to regain control over their childhood circumstances: physical or emotional abuse victims, for example; or those whose parents were like that. others are just such attention whores that they don't care what cost they have to pay so long as they're the center of attention. oops, sorry: a little remnant bile from an unpleasant memory. :> on a lighter note: some of course just hate silence so much they feel the need to fill any perceived gap in the conversation.

honestly, i try to avoid them, or steer the conversation away from topics which lend themselves to one-upsmanship games, such as common interests in entertainment (books, movies, TV): it's hard to one-up someone when you're just talking about what you like/dislike.

i try not to offer my dimestore pop psych crap uninvited. :> with that in mind however, if i have to deal w/ such people and cannot, for whatever reasons, steer the conversation adequately, my methods include:

1. interrupt right back, saying, "excuse me: i wasn't finished", delivered with an icy look. if they won't shut the fuck up, i turn on my heel and walk away. my parents are allowed to lecture me. my wife is allowed to lecture me. my select friends are allowed to lecture me. but that's it.
2. b/c i am secure in myself enough not to need the spotlight, i phrase my responses--since obviously, i'm not the one driving the conversation--as neutrally or non-committally as possible. by so doing, i eliminate possible targets for conflict and/or disagreement. where that's impossible, i keep things rigidly logical and try to remain dispassionate.

or was this not what you had in mind?

ed

Excellent...thanks for taking the time to post it!

I hadn't thought of trying to regain control due to the past, but it certainly makes sense and fills in some gaps for me. That combined with someone who likes and has always gotten attention and has been allowed to have most of the power, and you've a person who almost never shares it.

Good techniques, too, and I'm going to try to implement them. Something I have difficulty with is not being interrupted because I'm never given the chance to talk. If I sit there silently hoping they'll realize they're monopolizing the conversation, it just goes on and on and on until I get irritated enough, interrupt to end it, and leave. However, I did bring up the fact that I was rarely heard, and am praying awareness was the problem and things will change.

 

[silverwhisper]

erika:

repeating step 1 as necessary usually gets the message across, i find. that's actually a technique i learned from my dad and man am i ever glad i learned it! :> please let me know if they're helpful to you. they've served me in good stead for some time, and i understand how frustrating that situation can be. :>

ed

 

[damnewc]

Power & Control

Thanks Erika..... I don't know if you remember me, but anyone who wishes to, can see how I feel about my wife at....

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=293989

We are both very strong-willed people.... my earlier comment was much more humor than anything. However, we do expect certain things of each, very little of which is physical.

We are really soul-mates. Nobody knows me like her. I know I can depend on her no matter how shitty I feel or behave. She expects honesty of me. We are emotionally and relationally exclusive. We do not share secrets about the other with outsiders. Honesty. She is my soulmate. She makes me complete.

Money: We got alot of bills. Our credit sucks. We work together on digging out of the hole we put ourselves in. She does the actual bill-paying because my job travels, but we work together.

Sex...... woowee! We have alot of fun. We accomodate each other, we swing, we play. I initiate sex most of the time, but she is loving her 'dirty thirties'..... her term.

In every way I feel like we have a near-perfect relationship that trancsends what most people call marriage. Power ebbs and flows as it needs to, naturally. She has power, I have power....... it flows all on its own. After our years together can learned to sense when it is time to assert and when to submit. I am so happy to be hers!

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks Erika..... I don't know if you remember me, but anyone who wishes to, can see how I feel about my wife at....

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=293989

We are both very strong-willed people.... my earlier comment was much more humor than anything. However, we do expect certain things of each, very little of which is physical.

We are really soul-mates. Nobody knows me like her. I know I can depend on her no matter how shitty I feel or behave. She expects honesty of me. We are emotionally and relationally exclusive. We do not share secrets about the other with outsiders. Honesty. She is my soulmate. She makes me complete.

Money: We got alot of bills. Our credit sucks. We work together on digging out of the hole we put ourselves in. She does the actual bill-paying because my job travels, but we work together.

Sex...... woowee! We have alot of fun. We accomodate each other, we swing, we play. I initiate sex most of the time, but she is loving her 'dirty thirties'..... her term.

In every way I feel like we have a near-perfect relationship that trancsends what most people call marriage. Power ebbs and flows as it needs to, naturally. She has power, I have power....... it flows all on its own. After our years together can learned to sense when it is time to assert and when to submit. I am so happy to be hers!

I knew the AV was familiar, but I know what that thread is without even looking. I might read it again just for the warm-fuzzy effects though.

Thanks for sharing your relationship with us. There are some differences, but I'm blessed to have something similar with my husband. Not that it doesn't take a hell of a lot of work, but still...

 

[AngelicAnguish]

What a great discussion!

I'll throw in my two cents. I am a very controlling possessive person. The relationship I have with my husband has been one of the first where I was able to view someone as an equal and trust them to not hurt me. Otherwise I viewed everyone as out to get me, or willing to abandon me. Those left me feeling like I needed to be in control of everything all the time. It's been a learning curve for me and it's been wonderful. My husband is a great man and I respect him a great deal.

My past lead me to my views on people, boyfriends after that just added to them. My husband though opened my eyes to what can exist with trust, respect and love.

Our roles in our relationship are slightly switched. I am be money earner while he stays home with our two kids (3 yo, and 4.5 yo). He does a majority of the chores around the house, makes the meal plans and the shopping lists and pays the bills. When he first started staying home with the kids I told him how to do it all but learned quickly that I needed to trust him to make these choices and that together we would work together to make our family work and happy.

He is a more passive easy going person who is more than willing to share his opinion and will listen to mine. All in all our personalities compliment each other well. He can even accept my anti-social moments in perfect stride!

Every now and then though there's a little bit of my past that will rear it's ugly head and we'll have to sit down and talk. But he tries to be understanding and we work through it together. It's funny, he's one of the few people I know who's parents had the perfect relationship and are insanely happy still!

 

[eudaemonia]

I think it's natural for women to be attracted to guys who are stronger, smarter, make more money, and that are generally more powerful than them (to different extents).

I disagree. It's not natural for me, anyway.

 

[eudaemonia]

.....

 

[eudaemonia]

.....