Power and Control

[karndav]

My husband is rather controlling. He also uses his anger as manipulation because he knows (whether consciously on unconsciouly) that i fear anger and avoid confrontations. so I avoid confrontations and usually end up doing what he wants. I am trying very hard to break that cycle and stand up for myself now and have made alot of progress I think.

One thing that amazes me though is somehow I have managed to impart to my daughter not to be controlled by a man. (thank God) She has learned to stand up for herself and she constantly continues to make me proud. maybe i should take my clues from her.

 

[eudaemonia]

One thing that amazes me though is somehow I have managed to impart to my daughter not to be controlled by a man. (thank God) She has learned to stand up for herself and she constantly continues to make me proud. maybe i should take my clues from her.

I think you've just given yourself some excellent advice. Act on it.

 

[SweetErika]

My husband is rather controlling. He also uses his anger as manipulation because he knows (whether consciously on unconsciouly) that i fear anger and avoid confrontations. so I avoid confrontations and usually end up doing what he wants. I am trying very hard to break that cycle and stand up for myself now and have made alot of progress I think.

One of my friends is in this kind of situation, but the roles are reversed. When he finally did realize he couldn't live with the control and started to stand up for himself, his wife was shocked and angry. Even now, he tries, but she's able to make it so uncomfortable that it's tempting just to give her her way. Thankfully, they're going to counseling which is helping her realize she needs to let go, and him to find the strength to stand up. It's really hard to break those old patterns though.

One thing that amazes me though is somehow I have managed to impart to my daughter not to be controlled by a man. (thank God) She has learned to stand up for herself and she constantly continues to make me proud. maybe i should take my clues from her.

I'm really glad you posted this....it is interesting, isn't it? I grew up in the same kind of situation, though my mom got out when I was 11. It's been a struggle not to fall into either of the roles of my parents, and I definitely fail sometimes. I think I saw my mom so beaten down and meek that I vowed I wouldn't let a man do that to me, and my mom was careful to warn me about the likelihood of choosing a man like my dad. However, it's very easy for assertiveness to turn into control, especially when the other person puts you in a position of power. So, I'm really mindful of the need to re-balance the power and refuse to control in my marriage.

Oddly enough, the 'I won't be controlled' mindset is strongest in my primary relationship. It's not unusual for me to put up with being controlled or give someone a lot of power in my other relationships.

 

[Eilan]

I think I saw my mom so beaten down and meek that I vowed I wouldn't let a man do that to me

This seems to have been my reaction as well; I've tended to rebel against the behaviors that I saw in my parents' marriage. Interestingly enough, while my husband and my ex-husband are strong personalities, they're not jealous/possessive/controlling.

 

[eudaemonia]

This seems to have been my reaction as well; I've tended to rebel against the behaviors that I saw in my parents' marriage.

Yes yes yes! Even though my parents weren't together long I have an indelible impression of what I want to avoid.