random ramblings

[the captians wench]

You know from all the conversations Ive been having with you lately now I am questioning where Ill be in 5 years from now as well.. but WE have each other and I am glad we do.. My life has drastically changed this year... My moms passing, my career changing, my marriage ending.. So Wenchie where is the compass? DUDE your in charge of it..

Girlly if I'm incharge of your compus you have bigger issues than which way is north.

wubs ya

 

[FurryFury]

What movie?

In five years, I will be dealing with both kids being in college. I expect a bit of the empty nest syndrome. At that point I might begin working full time to pay for more and I might not. We will see what the money situation is. I can't do what I love professionally and work full time.

If I've gotten a book published since then or made some other career breakthrough I might not need to work full time either.

Regardless I hope to be doing more for me and with friends. I hope to be doing some of those things I've put off.

My advice to you is to find your dream that is just for you and involves no one else. Make a goal that you can reach and take steps toward it withing the current life framework.

For instance: Instead of trying to take a full load or something take just one course.

*hug*

A movie last night got me to thinking.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What will you be doing? How will you be living? etc. etc. etc.

I used to be able to answer these questions with a lot of confidence. Even as a small child, I always seemed to know what I was going to be when I grew up. Of course it changed from year to year, but I was always positive of what I wanted to be doing and how to get there. I was even sure in my relationships, which ones were going to last and which ones would fall apart. That is, I did up until almost 4 years ago.

When my ex left, my perfect vission into my future left as well. I seem to be floating in a career that I don't want, neglecting the one I do, and totally confused when it comes to relationships. I find myself unsure of my path and just sort of aimlessly wondering thru life. I can't decide if I want to go this way or that or even if this is an option.

The funny part about all of this is that I have more confidence than I have ever had in my life. I am so sure of myself when it comes to everything except for that question that used to be the only one I was sure of. Perhaps all of these years I have been living in the future, and now I realize that there is only today. But what a grim today it would be if I'm stuck in a job I don't care for with no drive to excape.

I'm still thinking about school. but when I think about working 45-50 hours then going to school even part time 18 hours, plus sleep relaxation and grooming, then the off chance I have enough energy to do costumes.....Well it's all overwhelming, and that's not even taking into consideration relationships and the time they need to stay strong.

I guess I'm seeking direction. Anyone got a compus?

 

[the captians wench]

What movie?

In five years, I will be dealing with both kids being in college. I expect a bit of the empty nest syndrome. At that point I might begin working full time to pay for more and I might not. We will see what the money situation is. I can't do what I love professionally and work full time.

If I've gotten a book published since then or made some other career breakthrough I might not need to work full time either.

Regardless I hope to be doing more for me and with friends. I hope to be doing some of those things I've put off.

My advice to you is to find your dream that is just for you and involves no one else. Make a goal that you can reach and take steps toward it withing the current life framework.

For instance: Instead of trying to take a full load or something take just one course.

*hug*

The movie was Mona Lisa Smile. And the reason it got me to thinking was because of the one chick who marries the kid from that 70's show. It takes me back to my highschool days and nearly flunking my "life passport" project because I did it on being a home maker. I remember getting one paper back with big red letters on it saying "yes, but what career do you want". I stood up to her on that subject, as I did many with that particular teacher but it wasn't much good. I remembered then how perfect that picture was in my head of where I'd be in that project. Then I remembered jr. high, and how perfectly I had my future planed out. Even in grade school I knew exactly what I was going to do and how to do it. Now I feel stagnat and can't really make up my mind as to what path I wish to follow.

I think that's really my first step, as you said furry, just making up my mind and setting a goal. Once I'm that far, things will be a bit easier.

 

[the captians wench]

Last week was wonderful. I was expecting it to be aweful because I was so stressed out and worried about the work things, working long hours etc. This week has been miserable.

Started out the week with keeping my little sister, which turned into a minor medical issue. Problem is solved and every one is okay, but it nearly ment that we couldn't go to the party that my mom was having on sunday.

Tuesday, I offically had "the talk" and my primary here and I agreed that it's best that we accept what we have and no longer persue the pet/sir dynamic. It's all formality at this point, for various reasons we haven't been able to really act like pet and sir for a while now. And besides that, I really think I'll be happier just focasing on Jounar and my relationship and seeing where this trip in October takes us.

Yesterday I backed into a car in the parking lot of my Mcd's. I was pulling out of a space and he was driving in the parking lot. The guy had to be right on the bumper of my van because I didn't see him at all. I could see the cars beside him in the drive thru, but not him. It took 4 hours to finally get ahold of my mom who's insurance I'm covered under, but in the mean time I was very shooken up, being my first accident and all. Every one was fine, only some cosmetic damage done really...well okay he may have to have a whole new door, but still it wasn't that bad. In the mean time I was a complete mess and turned to my former sir for comforting. Other than I nolonger call myself his pet, or wear his collar, I don't think much has changed. He always was good at offering me the support I need when he could. *shrug* guess it's really too soon to tell how that's going to go.

Anyway, I am completely stressing. Jounar is working full shifts again so I'm not seeing a lot of him. I've cut off all of my playmates, not that they were worth much anyway. And I feel like I'm loosing one of my best friends, and maybe have lost another. I guess I'm just trying to find my place with a lot of people in my life again. I've been saying that a re-eval is deffinitly coming up, maybe it's here.

 

[FurryFury]

Yikes!

*HUG*

 

[SubKekiLee]

{{{{{{WENCHIE}}}}
As I told you this am. I am so sorry things are going this way.. I am here for you always..

 

[the captians wench]

Well now my water pump blew....at least we think.

I'll be very happy when this month is over.

Least it happened on payday.

 

[minx1]

So Wenchie where is the compass? DUDE your in charge of it..

I agree. If five years ago I looked looked forward to where I would be now...never in a million years would i have guessed I would have moved to australia to serve my D *soft smile*
I would have guessed I would still be married, perhaps with children and probably still trying to pretend I was content with my world.

What about the next five? I have no idea and for once that doesn't bother me. I'm not going to plan. For some planning gives something to aim for and achieve, for others it marks where they failed to reach their goal.
No, I'm not going to plan. It could restrict me from doing something I never considered. There's a fucking huge exciting world out there and I am gonna walk whatever path fate throws at me. Sometimes there will be a choice of paths and sometimes I will take the wrong one. But even a 'wrong' one could always lead to a more exciting future.

 

[minx1]

Last week was wonderful. I was expecting it to be aweful because I was so stressed out and worried about the work things, working long hours etc. This week has been miserable.

Started out the week with keeping my little sister, which turned into a minor medical issue. Problem is solved and every one is okay, but it nearly ment that we couldn't go to the party that my mom was having on sunday.

Tuesday, I offically had "the talk" and my primary here and I agreed that it's best that we accept what we have and no longer persue the pet/sir dynamic. It's all formality at this point, for various reasons we haven't been able to really act like pet and sir for a while now. And besides that, I really think I'll be happier just focasing on Jounar and my relationship and seeing where this trip in October takes us.

Yesterday I backed into a car in the parking lot of my Mcd's. I was pulling out of a space and he was driving in the parking lot. The guy had to be right on the bumper of my van because I didn't see him at all. I could see the cars beside him in the drive thru, but not him. It took 4 hours to finally get ahold of my mom who's insurance I'm covered under, but in the mean time I was very shooken up, being my first accident and all. Every one was fine, only some cosmetic damage done really...well okay he may have to have a whole new door, but still it wasn't that bad. In the mean time I was a complete mess and turned to my former sir for comforting. Other than I nolonger call myself his pet, or wear his collar, I don't think much has changed. He always was good at offering me the support I need when he could. *shrug* guess it's really too soon to tell how that's going to go.

Anyway, I am completely stressing. Jounar is working full shifts again so I'm not seeing a lot of him. I've cut off all of my playmates, not that they were worth much anyway. And I feel like I'm loosing one of my best friends, and maybe have lost another. I guess I'm just trying to find my place with a lot of people in my life again. I've been saying that a re-eval is deffinitly coming up, maybe it's here.

Wenchie *hugs* sorry your week is stinking!

Try not to stress too much. Only stress about what you can directly effect...thats the advice someone gave me whilst I was having such a crap time and well, its true.
Next will be better, I am sure

 

[SweetGigi]

So many reasons to lay down and give up. So much strife- but in the end the happiness I find is in your eyes, your smile, and your arms. Even from thousands of miles away.

thank you for everything my Angel.

 

[the captians wench]

Wenchie *hugs* sorry your week is stinking!

Try not to stress too much. Only stress about what you can directly effect...thats the advice someone gave me whilst I was having such a crap time and well, its true.
Next will be better, I am sure

Yeah, that's what some one keeps telling me. I think I'm just in overload. I don't handle stress well. I bottle everything up and dig my heels in until it's too much and then I crash. Gets me thru the short term, but when things keep piling up, I don't react well.

 

[the captians wench]

Thru Him all things are possible. The Lord will provide this day.

 

[the captians wench]

success!

 

[cherokee_dove]

success!

CONGATULATIONS!!!

 

[the captians wench]

CONGATULATIONS!!!

Thanks.

It's another van, which I really didn't want, but they took just the 300 down, and gave me 700 for my old one....I just have to get it to them. It's the newest car I've ever had, an 02 and fully loaded. Final cost with intrest and my dp is about 7k, and the payments I can handle. So really it's a good deal, and I'm happy.

 

[the captians wench]

Why do rainy days make me miss him so much?

Maybe it's my water fetish and my natural desire to be intimate when it storms. It could also be that I haven't been able to talk to him since Friday. And then there is always the hormone thing. I just miss him so much today. He sent me an IM this morning just saying he missed me and hopes we get time soon, so now I'm not worried about him, but now I'm
missing him even more.

4 months exactly from this day and I'll be in his arms. The moment I have waited for for 3 years will be true. Good night kisses, good morning blows, holding hands, snuggling while watching movies, it will all be real. And in Dublin I'm sure to share a lot of rainy days with him *giggles*

4 months won't be so long.

 

[the captians wench]

A new one for us, pain play on the phone. He's such a sadistic bastard some times and I love every minute of it.

I was suposed to be off work earlier, but because of the storms around here I ended up being late, and even tho it was close to midnight his time I decided to try to ring him. He answered. I've been missing him so much and I know he's been missing me too. We teased each other a bit about missing dates and I told him that he could abuse me any time he liked...he said okay get the clamps. *giggles* Well that led to more teasing and taunting and I ended up doing my "sit ups" on the tacks. He brought tears to my eyes then wraped me in his warm voice and brought me to orgasm. We've never done pain play on the phone before, I know I really enjoyed it and I have a feeling he did as well. *giggles* I love how he describes his enjoyment.

I also love how he won't hang up until I do. *giggles* this cheeky one had to be ordered to hang up tonight. *giggles*

I can't wait to be there Love. Less than 4 months to go.

 

[SubKekiLee]

Why is it that people put people through hate hell and discontent when they claim they love the other person... It is tragic I received a text message from my 13 year old who just amazes me ever time I talk to her but she teaches me something every time I talk to her

For love can hurt more than hate but when love turns to hatred- there is no longer hope for this world we call home

 

[the captians wench]

Why is it that people put people through hate hell and discontent when they claim they love the other person... It is tragic I received a text message from my 13 year old who just amazes me ever time I talk to her but she teaches me something every time I talk to her

For love can hurt more than hate but when love turns to hatred- there is no longer hope for this world we call home

*huggles*

 

[the captians wench]

I was talking to a friend this morning and he made a comment that I am hard to punish. He said I am just so egar to please that he never felt the desire to punish me even tho I wanted it. Granted I did want the pain, the spankings and what not, but I never want punishment. 3 little words will always distroy me, "I am disapointed". They rip thru my heart like a knife

I remember talking about this before, but I don't remember where. Netz made a comment about service oriented subs in it that talked about our need for aproval and how if one is not careful it is very easy to distroy their world.

Jounar is a sadistic bastard, and I love that about him, but what I love even more is that he apreciates the pain I endure for him. He never misses an opertunity to tell me how proud he is of me, and how beautifully I suffer for him. Not one time has he failed to tell me that I am a good girl and always please him. This is very important to me and the fact that he does this has always stood out for me.

But I have been punished a time or two. Well only once really sticks out in my mind as punishment, the rest mild corrections. Even when I was punished, when I endured things that went past my pain tollerance, he still told me how proud he was that I went thru it for him. But then, the physical pain wasn't the hard part of that punishment.

You know, Jounar never brings up how much I hurt him which caused that punishment. He did once, when I was hurting from a deep pain he caused me, I think partly out of frustration, and partly out of desperation to get me out of the space I was in. But other than that period last year when we were both hurting, he hasn't mentioned it. What he does say all of the time is that I have never disapointed him, that I have never failed to please him. It amazes me how forgiving he is, and how much he cares to my needs. It took a lot longer for me to forgive and trust him again, and the crimes were very simular, or at the very least related.

I find myself pondering the future again and posibilities. I even inquired about an international trasfur to our HR department, and the closer this trip in october comes, the more I feel it is a test, and that maybe this will decide what actions we take in the future.

 

[ImpishSeraph]

I find myself pondering the future again and posibilities. I even inquired about an international trasfur to our HR department, and the closer this trip in october comes, the more I feel it is a test, and that maybe this will decide what actions we take in the future.

Not really quoting what you're saying but I had to tell you that every time I see your name I get the chills, lol. I am slave to one I call Captain.

 

[the captians wench]

Not really quoting what you're saying but I had to tell you that every time I see your name I get the chills, lol. I am slave to one I call Captain.

*giggles*

I'm a huge pirate freak, and strangely enough so is Jounar. I created this account before I met him, and this is the account he met me on. I had one before, but I don't really use it much anymore. But it is funny how things work out. *giggles*

My pirate costume is sooo going with me to visit him.

 

[ImpishSeraph]

*giggles*

I'm a huge pirate freak, and strangely enough so is Jounar. I created this account before I met him, and this is the account he met me on. I had one before, but I don't really use it much anymore. But it is funny how things work out. *giggles*

My pirate costume is sooo going with me to visit him.

I call mine captain because he lives on a boat, lol. I can't remember how we started on this, but it fits well. It is funny how things work out...Great things come to those who are positive about life (at least they do for me )

I hope you have a great time.

 

[the captians wench]

I call mine captain because he lives on a boat, lol. I can't remember how we started on this, but it fits well. It is funny how things work out...Great things come to those who are positive about life (at least they do for me )

I hope you have a great time.

*giggles* Well that's a good reason.

 

[the captians wench]

One of my managers found out Friday that I've been talking to HR about getting a transfer to Dublin. Her first words to me were "you can't go" and I just smiled and said it might take a while but if I can swing it I'll jump as soon as they give the word. She then started going on about this movie that reminded her of me. She said every time she can't watch it or even think about it with out thinking about me. The movie is 'P.S. I Love You'. She started talking about her favorite parts, one being a scene where the couple is fighting and he (an Irishman) says "oh kiss me arse" and she (an all american girl) says "kiss mine! In English!"

Cute enough, but a chick flick and I usually don't get into those. But she insisted that I had to see it, burnt me a copy and I took it home. Just so happened that my laptop decided to work that day (and has been since by some miracle) so I poped it in. I knew that the only reason she thought about me is that he's from Ireland and so is my guy, but right away I saw some simularities. I am totally OCD when it comes to planing, and the first scene these two are fighting because she has everything planed out and he's more of a "if you want it go for it" kind of guy, sounded familure tho not the same fight. And silly things like his shamrock boxers reminded me of all the goofy St. Patty's day stuff I've sent Jounar to get a laugh out of him.

I didn't stop crying from the moment the movie started. I even sent a text to that manager telling her I wasn't sure if I loved her or hated her for this. I thought at first that I my crying was all about Jounar, and missing things I haven't had a chance to feel yet. I even called me mom and cried on the phone with her a bit because I just could not stop it. I tried to watch it again, and finally did tonight.

As I watched it tonight I realized I was thinking about my step dad in parts of it. When she's wearing his clothes and watching movies, reminded me of just after my step dad died and I wore one of his big 3xl sweat shirts, curled in his chair and watched his favorite tv shows. I remembered not leaving the house, not answering the phone, and freaking out when I called and got a message that sounded like his voice (was actually my brother's). I also remember some random stranger saying something to me that made me really face the fact that he's gone, and I still remember the day when I stopped feeling him hold me when I was upset. I remember my first accomplishments with out him, how angry I was that he left.

And when the girl's mother was talking about her husband leaving, I got flashes of my seperation. The first time I ate in a place by myself. Going to put the cable in my name, hell paying bills by myself, they all were painful firsts that reminded me of loosing my step dad and made me morn him all over again. I morned the family I wasn't going to have, and the wedding that wouldn't be (both part of a 5 year plan). I remember how scared I was to be "on my own".

And as the movie ends, and it looks like she's going to fall in love again, it hit me what was really bothering me, and why I cried all the way thru. Sure some of it has to do with Jounar and being eager to finally be with him in the flesh, and some of it has to do with my step dad and some with my ex husband, and some with another guy I care deeply about, but there is a bigger picture here.

All of the men in my life have left me. Every one that I have loved has left me, my dad, my step dad, my ex, my what ever the fuck he was/is, all of these guys have left me whether by choice or not. They loved me, protected me, built me up, raised me to a new level and then abandoned me. And on top of that, this is the first time in my life I haven't had a plan. I have always had my life mapped out. I have always known what I wanted to do, what I needed to do, what steps to take and set goals and time lines in order to get there. I don't think a single one of them has worked out, but I could see it, it was there, I knew where I was going (or wanted to go) and what the end would be (or the goal anyway) and right now I don't have a plan for the end of the year, let alone the 5 years I usually have planed out.

I thought about buying my grandma's house when she died, but then changed my mind because I don't know if I will be staying here, or leaping the pond, and I don't want to have a house to sell if I do. I kept onto that piece of crap van as long as I could because I didn't want a car to have to sell, if I go that way. I haven't pushed my career path, because I don't want to get stuck some where. I haven't really looked hard into going to school, partly because that would be one more thing to work out, or money wasted if I just quit. I haven't sat down and looked at where I want to be and set goals for the next 5 years because I just don't know where to set them. I don't have a plan and I'm scared.

Why am I so scared to just let things happen? Why do I have to press for goals and agendas and plans all of the time? Why can't I just take things as they come. If I get a promotion grand, if not be happy where I'm at. Get a new car, or a new apt, or even a house if I want it, and if something changes and I have to sell them, work that out later, it's not something I need to worry about right now. And I'm a fairly independant person, so why am I so afraid that I'm going to be abandond again? Why am I so OCD about planing my life out? Not like my plans ever go the way I plan them anyway.