random ramblings

[the captians wench]

Maybe it's because I'm stressed, or maybe because we haven't had a lot of time together and I miss him, or maybe both, or neither, but I've been reliving my stay on the Emerald Isle a lot lately.

Before those memories would bring up feelings of great pain. It was so hard to leave him, and I think that clouded my memories a little. Instead of remembering how great it was to be there, I was focased on the fact that I'm not there now. But some how, that's changed.

I first noticed this when my mom had me pull out the picture of "the dragon" from my trip. I believe the beach was in Killiney, but I took a picture of the beach with the tree line and when she saw it the first thing she noticed was how the trees formed the perfect image of a dragon. A wonderful accedent indeed. She is so proud of that picture that she had me show everyone at thanksgiving.

I had sorted the pictures shortly after my return, mom thought it would help me cope, but I couldn't finish the scrap book. So I had to dig through all of them in order to find the one she wanted. I noticed that I smiled as I remembered being there, instead of crying like I had last time I pulled the pictures out.

I enjoyed showing them, and telling my tales of my adventure. Like my favorite irony of the trip. My first visit to an Irish pub. The pub was "The Pravda". That's right, my first Irish pub was Russian themed. *giggles* But what a remarkable building.

I'm in a place now where I can remember these things the way he would want me to, not with the sense of loss they had before, but with the happy thoughts of accomplishing something I don't think either one of us truely believed would happen, and will happen again.

He was so proud to show me around his part of the world, though it took a bit for us to get our walking in sink. *giggles* He's a good foot taller than I am and all leg. I took two steps for every one of his, and he's a fast walker! I held onto his hand for dear life! *giggles* I was so afraid he'd walk off with out me and there I would be lost and alone and not even know how to get back to my hotel or even the address.

I know I'll be back, and a bit longer even this time and maybe that helps with not feeling so glumy about not being there now. Until I am there again, I will have such happy memories with me.

 

[the captians wench]

Masks

I've always had a habbit of putting on a mask when ever I'm upset. As a child this was more litteral and vissible. I would make paper masks, or paint cardboard. Or it didn't have to be something on my face at all, it could have been something as simple as using my blanket as a cape.

As a teen I discovered make-up, both everyday and theatrical. Tho I loved theatrical make-up, it wasn't used as often. You see, when I don a mask, I don't really want people to realize what I'm doing, or at least I want to pretend I don't want it noticed. But when ever I just wasn't feeling "right" I would fix my hair and put on make up and doll myself up.

This is the method I tend to use as an adult as well. When ever I want to hide away from the world I get all dolled up and take myself out some where. Usually it's just walking around the mall or walmart, some times it may involve eating out, but it always involves a painted face and something to boost my tits up to my chin.

I think when I'm upset I go searching for reasurance. The funny part is, I do it in ways that don't normally get me the kind of attention I'm seeking. For instance, my favorite way to get all dolled up was to get all gothed out. Well, the glitter goth I did anyway. Kind of an Elvira snow globe type deal. I loved the different looks I'd recieve. I never will forget the one family I came across, the mother was horrified, the teen girl thought it was so cool, and daddy wanted a piece *giggles*. I love the double takes, and the glances that go from tits to collar back to tits. It eased the moment, and made me feel okay for a while, but it wasn't what I was really seeking and so it was always short lived.

This kind of negitive attention is always easy to find. And I guess I could be seeking worse kinds of negitive attention, but if it's not giving me what I need it's still no better.

The problem comes when I sit down and try to figure out what it is that I want and need. Or maybe it's that I just don't want to admit to what it is I know I need. I feel as if I'm being unfair, but is it really fair if by being fair I'm not getting what I need? And is it something that I really do need, or is it just a want and there for not as signifficant? Are wants really that much less signifficant than needs? Perhaps there's different levels of wants, ones we can live happily with out, ones we can't and ones that fall some where in the middle.

So here I am pondering all of this, trying to get to the root of these emotions while being all dolled up and an hour away from punching in at work. Mascara even today. I never wear mascara.

 

[the captians wench]

So durring our traditional christmas eve telephone conversation Jounar asks me if I've made any new year's resilutions this year. I told him I hadn't really thought about it. So he asked what mine were for this past year.

One was to loose weight, well okay, I wanted to get down to a size 10 which didn't happen, but I lost another size and a half over the past year, so I have lost some. I'm counting it as accomplished.

I wanted a new car, which I got. Ended up doing it because the old one would not budge from the parking lot at work, but the point is I still accomplished that goal as well.


I wanted to catch up the bills, and they are all to non back payment status.

And the one I've had for the past three years, I wanted to make it to Ireland, which I did.

So all in all, it's been a good year for me. I think that's why I haven't really thought about it too much. But I'm also thinking that may be why I feel like I'm in a rut. I usually keep short term goals, so that I always have something to work towards. Lately I haven't really been setting any. I'm pretty happy with my size, and as long as I keep maintaining or continue on a slow decrease I'll be content. I am working on keeping to a budget more, so that I can make my trips to Ireland this coming year. Spending a month there all together. But I haven't really been pushing myself to work towards anything at home.

I never realized how much I do that until this conversation.

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

*sneaks up on wenchie and gives her a big hug*

You've done great babe! Congrats on accomplishing most of what you set out to do

 

[the captians wench]

*sneaks up on wenchie and gives her a big hug*

You've done great babe! Congrats on accomplishing most of what you set out to do

-----------------------------------

It's been a nightmare lately finding time together, unfortunitly that's usually the moment when I need him most. Last week was a total nightmare with the boss being on vacation and a babysitter being placed in the store. This week has just been a disaster with the washer flooding my apt and now mom's guy in the hospital. Just seems like it's one thing after another. On top of all of that, with the hours I'm working I'm just not home when jounar is online. *sigh*

I have caught him on the phone a couple of times this week which has been absolutely wonderful. Nothing calms me like his voice...even tho I'm the one that does most of the talking. Right now I'm just praying that the complex doesn't charge me for the damages that were done so I can still make my trip...although I would probably go anyway and figure out things later if it were up to me. He's usually a bit more sensable than that, but I think we're both aching for this next trip. Two weeks just really isn't enough time, and 6 months apart is way too long. I guess I really should look on the bright side of that tho, even just a year ago, the possibility of spending any time face to face with him was just a shadow of a dream.

I just can't wait to be there in his arms again and let him take the big bad mean world away.

 

[myinnerslut]

I just can't wait to be there in his arms again and let him take the big bad mean world away.

i know exactly how you feel!

 

[the captians wench]

i know exactly how you feel!

*huggles*

 

[unregistered]

 

[the captians wench]

I went through the whole Gorian period in the 80s; it was my first gateway, actually. Something I noticed in the limited group exposure I had then was the number of pyls who never used a personal pronoun, speaking about themselves in the third person. Ask one how she is, she might respond "She is fine" or maybe "This girl is fine".

When my ply/wife and I were attending scene parties we had an agreement. No other pyl called me master, and she never called another PYL Master. This wasn't my idea, but hers. She never refered to me as [her] master, but simply as Master. I never really asked her why she needed this; never considered it. Maybe I screwed up.

I think it's something that we all need but express in different ways. For me "Love" is more significant, no one else in my life is called that. At one point it was putting the "my" infront of " master", but those days have passed and no one in my life now is called "master". Now I will call Jounar "Owner" from time to time, but it's mainly for moments that feel more formal. He's a very laid back guy, so "Love" works just fine for us.

 

[the captians wench]

I realized last night that today is my ex husband's birthday. The date kind of took me by surprize. But it didn't hit me until just a few moments ago why the date caught me so off gaurd. The 1st was our wedding anniversery and for the first time in 4 years it went by with out me even noticing it.

It makes things feel so....final. Not in a remorseful way, but in a sense of completeness, a resolution of sorts. There's no sadness to the date, or today's. No bitterness. No memories flooding back of how I spent the past 3 days four years ago now. There's no signifigance to the date, just another day gone past to mark time closer to when I'll be where I dream of.

Even while I pondered sending him a birthday email it never accured to me the other date that just floated past like a leaf in the wind, unnoticed. Even as I've been sourly reminded of those first months full of self doubt by ITW's new thread, I hadn't noticed that I wasn't reliving that pain like I had every year at this time.

Jounar has always been a stong force in my life. I tried not to morn too much for the marriage that I knew no longer wanted to keep him from feeling any pain, but I couldn't help myself. And being the strong loving man he is, he always was suportive and understanding. My rock even when he wanted to falter.

It brings to mind the day my devorce was final. I called him as soon as I got home. I knew I would be upset, and I had expressed my need for his support on that day. He was as strong as ever and I expressed my confusing emotions. There was a bit of sadness, a bit of morning, a bit of remorse, and a bit of relief, and then the realization of what my morning this previous relationship must put him through. He never hesitated, always my fort protecting me, sheilding me from any dangers.

I can see him clearly, the day I had to leave his side. The day our short fairytale had to be put on hold so normal life could continue. He never let me cry. He stayed strong, trying his hardest to sheild his emotions from me. I see his face perfectly as we both realized he had gone as far as he could go with me. I see the wetness forming in his eyes while he laughed and joked trying his best to keep a smile on my face and make our parting as happy a memory as it could be. I never loved him more than I did in that moment. Until I got his text, just after I reached my gate..."I miss you so much already my love".

And now the date of my trip seems so much more significant. I'll be leaving his embrace the day my devorce was final. I hadn't even noticed that until these other thoughts came flooding. Then there is the memory of what I told him when I called him that afternoon, nearly a year ago. "I guess I'm offically all yours now," I giggled to him trying to release myself from the glum mood I was settling into. It's only now I realize how wrong I was, I was already his long before the formalities of a few sheets of paper. How silly it seems now that I had morned such events! They brought me closer to him, that's reason enough to celebrate.

 

[the captians wench]

I think too much.

I always have really. For as long as I can remember I've over anylized myself and the reasons why I do things. Then as a young adult I found myself freshly seperated, a soon to be devorce' and enjoying things that I had always been told were only for sickos and weren't healthy. So I anylized. I thought about why I enjoyed the physical things, as well as the mental ones. I disected the way I envisioned an ideal relationship and I ripped to shreds every thought I had.

When I was introduced to BDSM I was introduced by a group who had some fairly strict rules and ideals. Things were very structured. This is how a submissive acts, this is how she thinks and so on. As I ventured away from that group, those original seedlings along with my over anylitical tendencies made for some tough times. Especially as I found that I have an intrest in sadism from time to time. A sadistic sub?

I've worked on breaking down these rules that exist in my mind, but it's hard. I want to be that care free spirit who does things just because they feel good and not ask why it feels good or why I want to do it.

I know I won't ever get to that point. But I just want a little balance. Just because I do xyz doesn't make me any less submissive, or any less his submissive. I know this, now I just have to start practicing it.

 

[the captians wench]

[begin pout]

I really hate that I have another three months until my trip. And I don't like the idea of having a vacation where I'm not traveling to Ireland. I want to spend every extended time off with him. I'd even make the trip into a three day weekend by taking a comp day.

I know it's best to wait. I know we'll both be in a better position for it if we wait. I know not to push him any on this. I know that if I do it will cause some resentment. I know I have things to do with my time off to get myself in a better place. but just because I know this doesn't mean I have to like it!

and the hardest part is that I know he doesn't like it any more than I do.

Why does this wait seem longer than the last one?

*pout*

[end pout]

 

[the captians wench]

The shock has worn off. I've morned enough to realize I may have been morning for no good reason. And today is my first full day of vacation.

So today is about taking care of me. I've already started the morning with a little girl chat. Followed that up with 2 chapters of Breaking Dawn (my second read). And just finished breakfast consisting of cheesey eggs and sausage, and english muffins with orange marmalade. Tho I think I would rather have had scones. I'll have to make some this week. Now I'm sipping on a cuppa Lady Gray and waiting for mom to text me back. I'm sure she's not up this early.

My next move is to get dressed and see if there is a store in town that still has a copy of twilight. If not, I'll resort to jacking wifi and ordering it online using my itouch. If mom texts me back, then I'm hoping for a sunny day of walking around the flea market. If not I guess I'll come home and work on the elizabethan dress waiting to be finished.

I do have one must do today, I have to clean out the dinning area, aka my sewing room, to make way for the new shelving and desk I'm picking up tomorrow. The rest of the week I intend to vary with the last bit of my cleaning nesessities, sewing, and posting on ebay, along with some beauty treatments thrown in here and there.

Mom asked me what I had planned for my birthday. She was kind of shocked when I said I had given up making plans for it. For the past 6 years I have made big birthday plans, and they've never worked out. For my 20th I had planned an extencive party, but my step dad took to his deathbed and I didn't feel like partying anymore. My 21st was a big bash at a local Dave and Buster's, but my then husband was in a car accedent so I became the DD and to this day am the only member of my family who remembers their 21st birthday. 22 was the begining of the end with my ex husband combined with the death of my great grandfather so my birthday party turned into a funeral planning party. 23 and 24 I had plans on being in ireland, and both times had to spend my money on car repairs. 25 had it's own dark cloud I don't even want to get into.

So as of tuesday I'll be 26 and I'm starting with out a grand dios affair. I have rotten luck when it comes to birthdays, at least mine anyway. I didn't realize that I hadn't planned anything until about 3 weeks ago. Usually everything would be settled in January. I know why I let it slip this year. Besides my string of bad luck. But it's too silly and selfish to admit to, even for me.

so my tea is finished, and the stores are open....and probably sold out by now. so time to get dressed. I refuse to mope today. There's hope out there.

 

[Sexualinnocent]

Hugs wenchie...i am older than you by far, but new to the lifestyle...i love your devotion to Jounar...i have devotion to Sir too. i would be honored if you would call me friend.

 

[the captians wench]

Hugs wenchie...i am older than you by far, but new to the lifestyle...i love your devotion to Jounar...i have devotion to Sir too. i would be honored if you would call me friend.

Umm...thanks

 

[the captians wench]

It has been positively dreary most of this week, and I've loved every minute of it.

I took a walk the other day just to walk in the drizzle that was starting. It reminded me of walking about in Ireland. Most of the time there was just this light mist in the air that never seemed to go away. I was positively uphoric while Jounar and his mom both made comments about how I should have been there the week before when the weather was nicer.

But the sun would eventually come out about noonish, and my little fantasy of being back there would vanish with the clouds. *sigh*

The rain makes memories of there so brilliant in my mind. Some times I feel like being there was all just some wonderful dream I had. Like there is no way it could have been real. I mean, people in my class of life just don't travel to Europe. I half don't believe the pictures I have that put me in such grand places like Christ Church and Trinity collage, or even the Gunisse warehouse, or in his arms.

It seems so long ago, like it happened in a different lifetime.

 

[the captians wench]

Well I just posted my hair on hairtraider. I'm cutting 22 inches and wrote a big long explanation as to why I want to sell my hair. Hopefully I find some one who is a romantic.

But I'm way behind on my ebay. I've come down with a cold so I'm not getting as much done.

I'm getting worried. I only have 3 months to save, and I still have a $1000 repair to do on my van. And bonusing out this quarter looks slim.

I'm still holding out hope. I have to hope. I have to fight. It's just not in me to roll over and give up.

 

[the captians wench]

I've really been thinking about this whole selling my hair thing. I guess part of me feels kind of creepy that anyone wants to buy it. But what I'm really surprized about is that I don't have that depressed feeling about cutting my hair that I usually do.

I go through this every other year or so. I get to where I'm sitting on it and get it chopped off to my shoulders. Usually when I do this it takes a lot for me to be able to actually chop it off. I feel almost like loosing a part of myself. But this time is different. I'm not sad at all.

Maybe it's why I'm doing it this time. Maybe it's because I've been thinking about doing it for so long. Maybe it's Jounar's comment that I've never changed my hair. I don't really know, but I don't have that feeling of loss that I usually do.

I've also been thinking that maybe I've been greedy. I heard a few occurances of people getting over a grand and I've been trying to hold out for that. But $600 is good money. And it will put me a little over half way to my goal. I think I'll take the offer.

I haven't had a chance to really talk to Jounar since I recieved the $600 offer. He knows I'm planing on sellling my hair, and he knows about the $350 offer. I'll ring him in the morning before I make mydecition. *giggles* I'm sure he'll tell me to go for it.

 

[the captians wench]

I emailed the guy with the $600 offer last night asking how we go about planning the exchange. He sent me this responce:

ok setting up the cut.

First I like to be sure we are in agreement on what I am going to do.

You agree that I will ponytail your hair at the nape of your neck, that is commonly considered the place where your hair starts at the base of your head / neck. I will cut off the pony tail very close to the back of your head at that spot. I will choose to either cut in a horizontal motion or an upward motion. I will decide this once I arrive.

The process that I always follow is as follows, most people are very comfortable with this appraoch.

1.) I arrive at your residence and measure your hair and look it over to make sute it is as advertized.
2.) I hand you the cash as agreed, and you take it some where and put it for safe keeping.
3.) I cut off the bulk ponytail.
4.) I leave
5.) You go to a stylist of your choice for the final style.

Since haircutting is not my profession, I strongly prefer to meet the client one on one. Several years ago a seller had some one stay in the room with us and I was so nervious I could not do the cut.
I am a profesional man with a wife and kinds, I value my life and freedom thus I am no threat to any one. I have no criminal record and I know how to behave like a gentleman around a lady. I share these last thoughts with you to reassure you I am safe to be around.
Please confirm everything I have laid out here.

Huge red flags. So I told the guy that I am very uncomfortable meeting one on one. After internet dating for 4 years I know rule #1 is never meet in private one on one.

He replied with this:

I understand, unfortunatly that is where this world has gone, is no one is trustable.

I guess we will not be able to make a deal.
thnaks any how

super creepy. my safety is worth lots more than $600

I guess I'm back to looking for a buyer.

 

[FurryFury]

You are being smart! My Creepometer went off!

 

[the captians wench]

You are being smart! My Creepometer went off!

The fact that he had to "prove" his trustworthyness had me more creeped out than if he had left that off, which is why I told him I would want some one around. When he said that's a deal breaker, all the alarms went off.

 

[minx1]

You are being smart! My Creepometer went off!

Lol I can only cut hair well.....alone with you naked.

But honest I am not a threat to anyone. Its just my nerves. I'd hate to go to jail. Trust me.......go on, trust me

good call wenchie

 

[the captians wench]

Lol I can only cut hair well.....alone with you naked.

But honest I am not a threat to anyone. Its just my nerves. I'd hate to go to jail. Trust me.......go on, trust me

good call wenchie

See, he doesn't have to cut it well, he's doing a bulk cut. That really doesn't take a lot of skill.

I'm just really pissed off now because that was nearly double what the last offer was. *sigh*

 

[minx1]

See, he doesn't have to cut it well, he's doing a bulk cut. That really doesn't take a lot of skill.

I'm just really pissed off now because that was nearly double what the last offer was. *sigh*

yeah and possibly double the trouble too

hope you get another good offer soon

 

[the captians wench]

yeah and possibly double the trouble too

hope you get another good offer soon

I know. Still sucks tho. *pout*

Thanks sweetie. I really have plenty of time, so there's no rush.