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random ramblings

Twice this weekend he's answered his phone when I rang, something remarkable in and of itself, but I noticed something when he did, I light up like a christmas tree each and every time I hear his voice, and I stay that way most of the day.

I have never done this with any one else, but hearing his voice just makes me want to jump out of my skin with excitement. And he can make me feel more loved with a few words written on my screen than any one else ever has. It amazes me every time.

People wonder why I am looking so hard into moving there, and how I could possibly consider marrying a man I've never been face to face with, then one of these moments happen and it seems so obvious to me.

My ex fell inlove with some one he met online, while we were married. I didn't get it. I couldn't understand how you could love some one you've never met, and love them enough to risk everything to be with that person. I think I get it now.

As my trip draws near, I find myself wanting more and more to figure out how to stay there. I feel us getting closer, and I'm considering things I wouldn't have agreed to before. And even tho we haven't had much time together lately, and I spend plenty of time missing him and worrying about him, not to mention wondering if he's thinking of me, the time we do get seems to be forever and too short at the same time. But then I think, it'll all be worth it when I'm in his arms for 9 days.

I know everything will work out some how, and we'll find away to keep me there more perminately. Until then, every "love you" will tide me over till we meet.
 
Am I the marrying type?

My ex admited to me long ago that the reason he married me was he feared being alone. He didn't want me to leave him, and so he married me to "trap" me. He also said that he wanted to "do right" by every one's standards, and shacking up didn't fit into his idea of what my religous back ground is.

Since him leaving me, I've been on a bit of a wild streak. Maybe not as wild as some, as I don't think I could ever loose my strong sence of responcibility, but promiscuous none the less. I've played the good little slut for a few years now, and in the past year of that I've found, it's not as satisfying anymore. Sure the orgasms are wonderful, but fucking guys who mean nothing to me, just doesn't have the thrill it once did. And as I think about it more and more, I think I'm ready to settle down again.

The past 6 months or so I have spent in a bit of a duldrum trying to figure out what it is I want, and wanting to move on with my life. But I haven't been able to figure out what that means. Perhaps maybe I knew all along and was just afraid to admit to it. I've always believed it was my destiny, if you will, to be a wife and mother, I think this is why my part time flings just don't satisfy me.

Don't worry, I'm not desperate to fulfill this destiny. I still want my next marriage to be built on a foundation of love, to be entered into because we want to spend a life time together, not because of situational ease, or because of some childhood fantasy.

It's ponderings like this that make me think I'm too smart for my job. I stay because I do like some bits of it, but probably the most important part, I really do suck at. When it comes to actually running the floor, I suck at that. I'm great with ideas and paperwork, and recovering customers, but my times are the slowest.

I'm a nut for people watching and sociology. The idea has crossed my mind a time or two about going to school and maybe studying one of the people arts. Anthropology, sociology, psycology, something along those lines. I'm just too smart to spend my afternoons at work asking people to try the new chicken sandwhich.
 
HUGGLES wenchie! I think you are too smart for your job too.. You know some of the heart to heart conversations we have had I knew you were very smart...

I cannot wait til I see a wedding invitation.. ... heheheh
 
the captians wench said:
Am I the marrying type?

]The past 6 months or so I have spent in a bit of a duldrum trying to figure out what it is I want, and wanting to move on with my life. But I haven't been able to figure out what that means. Perhaps maybe I knew all along and was just afraid to admit to it. I've always believed it was my destiny, if you will, to be a wife and mother, I think this is why my part time flings just don't satisfy me.

Don't worry, I'm not desperate to fulfill this destiny. I still want my next marriage to be built on a foundation of love, to be entered into because we want to spend a life time together, not because of situational ease, or because of some childhood fantasy.

It's ponderings like this that make me think I'm too smart for my job. I stay because I do like some bits of it, but probably the most important part, I really do suck at. When it comes to actually running the floor, I suck at that. I'm great with ideas and paperwork, and recovering customers, but my times are the slowest.

I'm a nut for people watching and sociology. The idea has crossed my mind a time or two about going to school and maybe studying one of the people arts. Anthropology, sociology, psycology, something along those lines. I'm just too smart to spend my afternoons at work asking people to try the new chicken sandwhich.
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You are smart wenchie. You have an enquiring mind. I think considering going back to school is a brilliant idea, or perhaps a career change where you can focus and develop your people and creative/idea skills...
I got a place at uni to study anthropology, something I was really interested in, but life panned out slightly differently. having said that I am lucky, I found a job that ''fitted'' me and that I feel passionate about.

Your other thoughts resonate with me. I have been feeling the same and asking myself the same questions. Not so much about marriage; though I haven't ruled that out by any means. Its a long term, committed relationship that I want though, its just not an issue to me at the moment if thats in a marriage or not. It might later. Its more important to me though that its something for the long haul...I crave the feelings that come with that.
I have been thinking about children a lot. Or rather a child....don't want to bite off more than I can chew lol.
I think as I grow older I am just becoming more aware of my biological clock and that time isn't really on my side. I have never been desperate to have children; its actually something that I have never made my mind up about. But the pressure is on to do that a little. I don't want to lose my option before I actually make a decision yanno?
 
minx1 said:
You are smart wenchie. You have an enquiring mind. I think considering going back to school is a brilliant idea, or perhaps a career change where you can focus and develop your people and creative/idea skills...
I got a place at uni to study anthropology, something I was really interested in, but life panned out slightly differently. having said that I am lucky, I found a job that ''fitted'' me and that I feel passionate about.

Your other thoughts resonate with me. I have been feeling the same and asking myself the same questions. Not so much about marriage; though I haven't ruled that out by any means. Its a long term, committed relationship that I want though, its just not an issue to me at the moment if thats in a marriage or not. It might later. Its more important to me though that its something for the long haul...I crave the feelings that come with that.
I have been thinking about children a lot. Or rather a child....don't want to bite off more than I can chew lol.
I think as I grow older I am just becoming more aware of my biological clock and that time isn't really on my side. I have never been desperate to have children; its actually something that I have never made my mind up about. But the pressure is on to do that a little. I don't want to lose my option before I actually make a decision yanno?
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I think that's exactly it. I want something that lasts more than 6 months and some one I can curl up with every night. And the closer I come to my trip, the more these feelings pop up.

I don't think I'm so much scared things won't work out when I get there, I'm more scared about if they do. What if it's just like it has been? What does that mean for us? Where do we go from there? What if I can't get mcd's to sponcer me? Well then the only way I'd be able to move there would be as a spouce of a citizen, I don't qualify any other way. Are we really ready for that?

I'm trying very hard not to think too much about it until I'm there, when we can both talk about it face to face and decide an action plan. But every now and then these questions pop into my head, and I have to blurt them out.
 
the captians wench said:
I think that's exactly it. I want something that lasts more than 6 months and some one I can curl up with every night. And the closer I come to my trip, the more these feelings pop up.

I don't think I'm so much scared things won't work out when I get there, I'm more scared about if they do. What if it's just like it has been? What does that mean for us? Where do we go from there? What if I can't get mcd's to sponcer me? Well then the only way I'd be able to move there would be as a spouce of a citizen, I don't qualify any other way. Are we really ready for that?

I'm trying very hard not to think too much about it until I'm there, when we can both talk about it face to face and decide an action plan. But every now and then these questions pop into my head, and I have to blurt them out.
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*smiles and nods*

I don't even need someone to curl up with everynight. Some nights would be nice, but for me more important than that is how they view us; their commitment to us. It needn't manisfest itself in a daily contact or a conventional (I guess thats the word) relationship, but I do need long term commitment to us; to our development and love and sharing.

I know and understand your fears having been in that position myself. Marriage wasn't on the cards with my D for numerous reasons not least, my own. So i had a number of choices....holiday (Idid this first time round on an extended visa), a sponsored visa or a general migration one which could have taken years to get approved.
I really panicked at times that i wouldn't get the sponsorship and that we would then be screwed, but thankfully it came good.

I can really understand why people do marry to get around the restrictions, although I am sure there are a fair number that come with marriage visas.
I would go and enjoy being there Wenchiw. Sure what happens next needs to be discussed but don't let it become the sole focus of the visit. Enjoy eachother :rose:
 
minx1 said:
*smiles and nods*

I don't even need someone to curl up with everynight. Some nights would be nice, but for me more important than that is how they view us; their commitment to us. It needn't manisfest itself in a daily contact or a conventional (I guess thats the word) relationship, but I do need long term commitment to us; to our development and love and sharing.

I know and understand your fears having been in that position myself. Marriage wasn't on the cards with my D for numerous reasons not least, my own. So i had a number of choices....holiday (Idid this first time round on an extended visa), a sponsored visa or a general migration one which could have taken years to get approved.
I really panicked at times that i wouldn't get the sponsorship and that we would then be screwed, but thankfully it came good.

I can really understand why people do marry to get around the restrictions, although I am sure there are a fair number that come with marriage visas.
I would go and enjoy being there Wenchiw. Sure what happens next needs to be discussed but don't let it become the sole focus of the visit. Enjoy eachother :rose:
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I think I've just hit a point where I'm wanted a little more than just the knowledge that we're both commited, something has to happen now to prove it, ya know? And after three years, I'm ready to shorten this distance, at least a little.

But yes, there's more to this trip than just deciding what the next move is. I'm excited just to be going there and spending time with him. i can't wait to see Dublin, and I'm even curious as to what his little quarks will be. Everything about this trip is so exciting.
 
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On the walk back home from mom's tonight I started reflecting on some things. Mainly the fact at how I'm all giggly school girl. Sure this trip has me excited, but this isn't all that out of my norm. Then I started thinking about Jounar's birthday, and the age difference, and I started wondering if we really can relate...more precisely the thought was "how the hell does he tolerate this child?"

I started thinking back to something my ex husband told me. He told me that I had a wonderful child like look on life, and how he had wanted to take that from me to keep me from being hurt. I remember durring out seperation wanting to shed that child like nature and take on the "realistic" outlook he had. But then I realized, I didn't want to look at the world that way, it made me misserable.

But as I thought about it, sure I do have a very girlish demenor, but I'm also very mature and responcible. I don't do anything with out extencive research. I am always seeking knowledge and to better myself. I've lived on my own now for 2 years, and have not only maintained a certain living standard but have also managed to work out world travel. I'm killer with a budget, and I make choices and stick with them. But put a ball of yarn infront of me and I'll be entertained for hours. :rolleyes:

So how can I be so smart, so articulate (tho not in writing so much as I can't spell worth shit), so responcible and mature, and yet be so giggly, care free, and down right child like at the same time.

Then I started thinking about the little precious moments figure that mom gave me for christmas. I posted about it here before, it's a child standing infront of a U with Unique written on it. Her reasoning, "you're....unique, and you're not afraid to be".

She's right. I have put a lot of effort into figuring out who I am and accepting that, and it comes down to that word, unique. How can I be, what I think of as, two differnet personalities at the same time? Becuase I am. I am "giggles", and I'm also the boss lady. I am the giddy school girl who writes *pounce* on the screen every time Jounar pops on after being away a day or two, and I'm also the anal control freak who has planed this trip out 6 months ago. and I'm also the girl, excited but a little scared, who threw out those plans inorder to go on faith that he'll take care of what he said he would.

I'm just me, that's all I ever have been and all I ever will be. Maybe he finds it refreshing that I am so giggly, full of life, and have such an innocent view of the world. Maybe it's one of my charms. I'll never be able to put that away, but I don't think I'll ever have to.
 
This morning I had another mini break down and nearly full blown panic attack.
It pissed me off.


One of the guys I was playing will text me, wanted to meet up. I told him no, and he just kept on, he started giving me orders, and I told him I had to get ready for work. He insisted that I should play no matter how often I said no. Finally he called me, he knows his voice can really get into my head when his words don't. I wouldn't have answered it for that very reason, but I opened my phone thinking it was another text.

After insisting some more and giving orders and me refusing he says "are you telling me no?" I very sharply say "yes, I am telling you no" the jerk says "you'd better have a strap on if you are saying no to me" :rolleyes: He kept on like that, telling me to have the door unlocked and he'd be over in 2 minutes. I told him no, he wasn't getting in, it wasn't happening. Then he hung up.

I spent the next 45 minutes wondering if he was going to come and at the very least try to open the door to find it locked. I was paniced and worried. I sat with a bit of fear nearly in tears for the whole 45 minutes, then text Jounar to try and calm down. I told him the whole story, and he got me to smile and made me feel tons better with just a few words. Amazing how he can do so much for me by doing so little.

I was calm enough then to get in the van and drive to work, but I was still on the verge of tears and a bit shook up. By the time I got to work, I wasn't ready to cry anymore (thanks to Jounar), but still having a bit of a moment. It passed very quickly after I got busy. By the time lunch rush was over, and I got a text from Jounar checking in on me, I was back to normal. I told him again how much I love that he can text me now and how much it means to me that he checked back in to make sure I was okay.

Beyond all of the mushie signs of love, there was another realization in here. I said no, and stuck to it this time.

After the shit with "master asshole" I have had a really hard time not having these flashbacks (I have talked about them before, and MIS has talked about it more recently). Certian tones get in my head and it's hard for me to shake them, but tonight proved that I can do it. Tonight also showed me how far I have come. The last time something like this happened, I ended up curled in a ball crying and called my primary-stateside guy. It took an hour for him to talk me down. With that insident, I felt myself in that past situation. I saw it, heard it even. This time, it was only a faint trace.

I've come a long way, with the help of some very close friends and Jounar. I still have further to go, but I've realized, hey, I can do it, I can do anything. I don't have to let people walk all over me. I can be strong and push back, and nothing bad is going to happen.
 
If there's one thing I'm good at it's planing things out. Doesn't matter what it is really, but I want a plan. My recient trip to visit Jounar was a real test of that as he does not plan anything and I was forced, for the first time, to just relax and go with the flow. I'm usually pretty flexable, I just need to have the plan first, then things can change about it. But as I've been learning, life doesn't usually follow a plan.


I had a former play mate contact me this week. I told him I'm not playing any more, and I realized just how much I really don't desire casual play any more. He knew about Jounar before, and I told him that if Jounar ever said "I don't want you to play" this guy would be out of the picture. He is trying to convince me otherwize, very mildly, but for the most part respecting my choice. But he asked, "so how's that going to work if you can't move there because you can't get work". I simply said "one trip at a time". That's really all we can do, take it one trip at a time.

I've been looking into all of the vacation, and special bonuses I can get with Mcd's. Since this is my 5th year (as of next october) I move up to the next bracket (I get 3 weeks plus a comp. week insted of 2 and a comp week) and because it's a year that ends in 5 I get a "splash" week, an extra week for just this year. I have to take one week in 1st quarter, but since that doesn't leave enough time for Jounar to save, I won't see him until the end of may, then again in October if everything goes the way I have it mapped out. But mom and I were talking about sabaticals. I just reciently found out that I will qualify for a sabatical after I've been there for 10 years. She asked how long I'd be able to spend in Europe then, I told her I would plan on the full 10 weeks (by then I would also have 4 weeks vacation and a comp week but can not take them close to the sabatical). She went on a bit and I said "but if I don't know if I like the idea that I'll still be just taking visits after 5 more years". That really got me to thinking. I'm by no means ancious to jump into another marriage, I want to make sure we are both ready this time, both individually and as a couple. But it's also obvious that there's no other way I'm going to be able to get work there making a long term stay near impossible. I expressed my feelings one last time to Jounar, and said I would not bring up the subject again, but I can't help but wonder what he's thinking about it. I mean, I can't imagine growing up in a country where devorce is illegal (tho it is now) and so religiously based government wize. And here I am a 25 year old devorce'. He says my prior marriage doesn't bother him, and maybe it really doesn't, but there has got to be something going on in his head attached to that thought.

I'm really being tested at letting the cards drop where they may. But life doesn't come with a road map, and you can't fit it into a nice neat little package. I'll keep making my plans, setting goals, and finding every possible out come so I can try to guide myself towards the one I most desire, but I'm not going to worry so much if things don't happen the way I thought they would.
 
Well congrats! It sounds like the trip went well!

It also sounds like you are really getting more comfortable going with the flow?

:rose:
 
the captians wench said:
If there's one thing I'm good at it's planing things out. Doesn't matter what it is really, but I want a plan. My recient trip to visit Jounar was a real test of that as he does not plan anything and I was forced, for the first time, to just relax and go with the flow. I'm usually pretty flexable, I just need to have the plan first, then things can change about it. But as I've been learning, life doesn't usually follow a plan.


I had a former play mate contact me this week. I told him I'm not playing any more, and I realized just how much I really don't desire casual play any more. He knew about Jounar before, and I told him that if Jounar ever said "I don't want you to play" this guy would be out of the picture. He is trying to convince me otherwize, very mildly, but for the most part respecting my choice. But he asked, "so how's that going to work if you can't move there because you can't get work". I simply said "one trip at a time". That's really all we can do, take it one trip at a time.

I've been looking into all of the vacation, and special bonuses I can get with Mcd's. Since this is my 5th year (as of next october) I move up to the next bracket (I get 3 weeks plus a comp. week insted of 2 and a comp week) and because it's a year that ends in 5 I get a "splash" week, an extra week for just this year. I have to take one week in 1st quarter, but since that doesn't leave enough time for Jounar to save, I won't see him until the end of may, then again in October if everything goes the way I have it mapped out. But mom and I were talking about sabaticals. I just reciently found out that I will qualify for a sabatical after I've been there for 10 years. She asked how long I'd be able to spend in Europe then, I told her I would plan on the full 10 weeks (by then I would also have 4 weeks vacation and a comp week but can not take them close to the sabatical). She went on a bit and I said "but if I don't know if I like the idea that I'll still be just taking visits after 5 more years". That really got me to thinking. I'm by no means ancious to jump into another marriage, I want to make sure we are both ready this time, both individually and as a couple. But it's also obvious that there's no other way I'm going to be able to get work there making a long term stay near impossible. I expressed my feelings one last time to Jounar, and said I would not bring up the subject again, but I can't help but wonder what he's thinking about it. I mean, I can't imagine growing up in a country where devorce is illegal (tho it is now) and so religiously based government wize. And here I am a 25 year old devorce'. He says my prior marriage doesn't bother him, and maybe it really doesn't, but there has got to be something going on in his head attached to that thought.

I'm really being tested at letting the cards drop where they may. But life doesn't come with a road map, and you can't fit it into a nice neat little package. I'll keep making my plans, setting goals, and finding every possible out come so I can try to guide myself towards the one I most desire, but I'm not going to worry so much if things don't happen the way I thought they would.
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Tabby
YOU know you and I have spoken of this... how we both plan and we are both in love with a go with the flow type of men.... Mine says he puts no stock in what happens just lets it happen.. over a year ago I took a chance that changed my life..... Timing is everything.. let all the planning go.. It will happen you two were together for 3 years before you met face to face. things will all work out.. I promise you.. ;) Just look at what ive been thru within the year.. I am always here for you ...

XOXOXO
Kisses
 
FurryFury said:
Well congrats! It sounds like the trip went well!

It also sounds like you are really getting more comfortable going with the flow?

:rose:
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The trip was everything I dreamed of and more. :heart:

I'm getting better at it anyway. I did really enjoy giving up that control to Jounar while I was there. I wasn't always this way, I mean I always had a plan for my life, but not for every aspect of it. My ex husband would drive me batty tho. He was always making us late for everything, or I'd have something planed with my family, and he'd plan something at the last minute with his. Made holidays impossible to navigate. I guess my OCD kicked in after a bit and I just became a planner.
 
I'm feeling homesick. Isn't that funny?

I spent nine days in a place and already it feels more like home than home does. And May seems so far away. I don't know if it's harder now that I've been there with him, or if I just imagine it so because now I really do know what I'm missing. I love my place here, my family, friends, I even love my job most days, I love my life here, but some how it feels kind of hollow.

I've been sick lately, and I'm just passing ovulation so I'm all hormonal too, so I know that's probably adding a lot to it, but I just can't shake the feeling.
 
Next stop marriage.

Okay not really but my ponderings this morning are along those lines.

You see, every relationship I've been in (granted that's not many) has moved very quickly. My ex and I dated for about a month before we went steady, and about a month after that we were engaged. Of corse we were kids so we had to wait a few years before we got married but still, the progress was quick.

As I've mentioned, Jounar and I have had something of an open relationship for two of the three years we've been together. This allowed me to delevope relationships with others here, and these all moved fairly quickly as well. The latest had me collared (with our own understandings) in just a few short months. There is one I think of as some what of an exception because we chatted online almost a year before we met, and he lived half an hour away from me, but once we did meet things developed as far as they could with in just a few short meetings.

Then there's Jounar. We've been together for 3 years and I just got to meet him face to face last month. Actually physically dating him won't be every friday night like I'm used to, but (if I'm lucky) a two week stay every six months or so. The courtship has been very long, and slow in progress, not that there is anything wrong with that. I absolutely love that he really thinks things out and knows what he wants before presenting the next stage to me. But I'm used to doing things at a much quicker pace. I jump in head first and figure out how to swim after I'm treading water for a bit.

In many ways I'm glad for a long courtship, but the idea of making trips back and forth for years just does not thrill me as much. I think that has everything to do with the fact that since I've been back I've been absolutely misserable in missing him, and after a month I'm still feeling strong depression. I can't imagine doing that twice a year for 5 or how ever many years. But if there is one thing he has taught me, it's paciens is a vertue. 3 years ago I couldn't imagine waiting years before I met him, but I did, and every moment of that wait was wonderful, and doesn't even come close to the worth of the time I had with him.
 
Christmas Traditions

I know we haven't had Thanksgiving here in the states yet, and most people probably don't think about these things until Dec 1. But in my family Christmas starts Nov. 1, or at least the first saturday after halloween.

The first saturday after halloween we always put the first Christmas tree up. And mom starts playing Christmas music which will be played every day until the tree comes down. BTW she usually puts up 3-5 trees of various sizes. I always say it's not Thanksgiving with out a Christmas tree.

But what I really think about when I think Christmas traditions starts on Christmas Eve. Before I started working, mom and I would bake all day, then that night we would have our Christmas eve dinner. This really became a tradition because mom started the turkey that night, so there was no room in the oven for dinner. Christmas eve dinner always consists of shrimp, fried and cocktail, and various cheeses and sumer sausages. We pick cheeses from around the world. Her favorites have always been smoked american creations while I always favored the European cheeses (go figure :rolleyes: ). We were also permitted to open one family gift, it took my brother and me a few years before we figured out the gift was always a game. Then we'd play the game, eat cookies, and my brother and I were off to bed.

Now there was a rule that christmas morning we were not allowd out of bed until 4am. We could open our stockings, unless there was something wrapped in them, and we could fix breakfast (after I learned the art at 10 I started making biscuts and gravy every christmas morning), but we were not allowd to open presents until mom got up and we could not wake her until 6am. Once she was up it was present opening, cleaning up, and preparing for Christmas dinner (served promptly at 12).

THere were other traditions before that, my dad used to take us kids christmas eve to the conservitory. But that faded. As are the ones I mentioned since my bother got married. My ex's family wasn't much into, well family, so I think he liked being envolved with mine. We would go to mom's right after work and spend the night Christmas eve. Last year, I stayed the night, but my brother and the kids went back to their house and came over later (much later than I would have liked as I was not allowd to open gifts until they got there).

Mom says that as the kids grow and have their own families, new traditions form. I think this is why I'm having such a hard time these past couple of years. I don't really have my own family anymore, at least not here with me. And even though my Christmas eve call (which I won't be making half drunk this year!) helps me thru the night and next day, it's just not the same as celebrating with him. I guess I'm feeling left back in some ways.
 
Jounar and I have talked a lot about the American obsession with Ireland. He changed his location tag because of the flood of PMs he would get asking him how to go about discovering one's Irish roots. "How the fuck would I know? I'm Irish, I don't have to worry about that" he would tell me, but just ignored the PMs.

I've told him before that I think people here are looking for a bit of history to attach ourselves to. For a country we are relitively young really. We're looking for where we fit in, where we came from, something to root us. It's something he, and I'm sure other Europeans and well aged countries, take forganted sometimes.

When we were exploring Dublin I was totally fasinated by the shear age of things. There are building still there, and some still used that date back before our land was ever "discovered". I saw books that date back to the beginings of Christianity. I had tears in my eyes as I stood before the stain glass windows in St. Patrick's. (another thing he takes forgranted. I'd never seen a stain glass window with actual pictures in it before, not in person) And I stood dumbfounded at the door way to the great library at Trinity Collage, in awe by the magnificancy of so many old texts right there, inches away. Their history, his history, is all rooted in one place. Ours, for many of us, leads us to other countries. Mine even. My grandfather used to tell me stories of our ancesters from Scottland, Ireland, and Great Brittan. My mom's favorite is of the 4 first brothers who sailed from Scottland to settle in America.

My family doesn't have a lot of heirlooms. There is one organ that is in desperate need of repair, that's made it to what will be the 7th generation once it's in my posession. The women in my family have passed it down always to the youngest daughter (which is odd I used to think as the oldest usually is the one to get everything). I know a lot of my friends were like that too growing up, didn't have much, if any, connection to the generations before.

The reason this is on my mind today has to do with something I found while mom and I were cleaning the other day. When my great grandmother died, my great aunt gave me a bunch of fabric from my grandmother's collection. She (my aunt) knew I was just starting my passion for costume making, and being a dress maker herself, wanted to encourage me and thought I would apreciate the collection. Most of it got packed away (I was only about 12 or 13 when I recieved this) and a lot of it wasn't looked at again until last year. By that time my great aunt had died (some what unexpectedly). In the bundle I found the most remarkable piece of lace. It was hand stitched on muslin, nearly two yards. A beautiful orchid patern six inches wide. It still had the pencil marks on it marking the pattern, and hadn't been fully cut apart from the base yet. Because no one who was well aquainted with what came from where and who made what is left anymore, my mom and I can only assume that it was indeed made by my great grandmother. Why she made it, who she made it for, and what she intended to do with it, along with if she infact was the artist of this breath taking piece we may never know.

I wanted to preserve it in a way that it could be apreciated, and yet would hold to it's (assumed) intentions of becoming something even more beautiful. Having no children of my own as of yet, I made a dress for my niece. I used my favorite purple brocade that I made my own favorite costume out of as an over dress. The lace was sewn onto the bottom of the chemise as a decorative detail. I nearly cried as I helped her put it on. At two years old she has an apriceation for gifts, especially things made just for her, that her older siblings just don't seem to have.

The lace was too long for the skirt, but not long enough for a proper ruffle, so I did cut it. What's left is about half a yard. I can't bare the thought of throwing it out, I'll make a pillow or some such with the rest.

I feel a great tie with my great grandmother when I look at that dress, or the piece that is left. I can only hope that she would aprove of how I used it.
 
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