Realistic D/s relationships

[Richard49]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Realistic D/s relationships

Where have you been hiding Richard? Happy New year!

I started a thread entitled
"you can call me the bionic ..........."
that partially explains were I have been

Happy New Years EB and everyone else also

 

[Ebonyfire]

Focus

What is realistic? It really depends on your focus, doesn't it?

If your focus is skin-to-skin D/s (like me) your reality will depend on your ability to find someone who is capable of the same type of magic.

If your focus is online D/s, it may be different.

If your primary focus is a love relationship with D/s being of secondary interest, then your needs may differ from others who do not want a romantic D/s focus.

Which is realistic?

They all are.

Thanks to everyone for posting such rich and interesting posts.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Realistic D/s relationships

I started a thread entitled
"you can call me the bionic ..........."
that partially explains were I have been

Happy New Years EB and everyone else also

Oh my, sounds like a medical procedure. I hope you are on the mend.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Reality in a D/s relationship can only work if you do not waffle back and forth in your intent and focus on the dream.
If you act with indecision there is no room to develope trust. There must be some form of consistency or the D/s becomes a game. A game is not a relationship even though a relationship houses many games in BDSM relationships.
Now say that fast 5 times!

 

[calypso_21]

(Be honest up front about what Y/you are REALLY looking for. Do not settle for less than you need in a partner and do not waste your time if there is not a huge amount of mutual respect. )


***The ultimate for anyone no?***





Self evaluate *before* entering a relationship.
It is very doubtful that a Dominant will change to suit the submissive even though We are constantly molding the submissive to live up to Our expectations.
Generally the submissive has craved this care and control for a very long time and finds a freedom in giving over the responsibility of their well being and progressive enhancements in their day to day life.
Living it and playing it are realms apart in reality.
Conversation must flow constantly between the partners, deep and meaningful as well as light and rediculous.
Life is fluid and there is no script to fall back on. Changes in routine will occur now and then but that having been said...
Structure is safety...Rules are safety...Rituals are safety for a submissive to not have to second guess what is expected is a freedom in itself.
Hopefully the Dominant will encourage the submissive to spend quality time with friends and family on their own. Will even require it as a form of obedience. Often the submissive will bring old vanilla ideas of guilt into a BDSM relationship and feel that they must abandon their old life completely just to keep peace.
But consider this...
Is the Dominant not making the submissive less than they were rather than all they can be by limiting previous relationships such as these? Does this not effect emotional well being and spontaneous joy?
A reminder *NO GUILT* when sending them out of the door..and meaning it! will keep the Dominant on the mind of the one that adores them all through the night or day.
Allowing the submissive to phone home or the location of the Dominant also allows the submissive to still feel the Domination even from afar....Yes it is all possible but it is a great deal of work and should be entered into without illusions.

next chunk of ramble...

All of your posts in this thread have been illuminating. I have thought right from the start of my exploration of this path that this is how it should be. To see others writing about it as the people in this thread have posted has reinforced my thoughts and I am appreciative to all.

Thanks also to Ebonyfire for starting this thread.

 

[Ebonyfire]

All of your posts in this thread have been illuminating. I have thought right from the start of my exploration of this path that this is how it should be. To see others writing about it as the people in this thread have posted has reinforced my thoughts and I am appreciative to all.

Thanks also to Ebonyfire for starting this thread.

I am pleased you found something of interest in it. I know I did.

Eb

 

[calypso_21]

I am pleased you found something of interest in it. I know I did.

Eb

Yes I did and continue to throughout the whole forum. Thanks Eb!

 

[MissTaken]

Finding a bit of "realism" in a D/s relationship is much like any other.

Knowing what you want.
Finding a partner who can give it you as well as one who wants what you give.
Can you meet one another's needs within the parameters and limitations set by your life? i.e. children, distance, employment, values, ethics, etc

For me, that is where reality has broken down. Frankly, it is easy to say, "I love kids and they aren't a problem."
But to face the fact that the children's needs will often, if not always come before a Dom's needs can be a bolt of lightening.
Or, to think a single working mom may be too tired to play in the middle of the week at 11 p.m. after the household duties are accomplished and all are asleep has caused difficulties.

Then, realistically, a Dom who is truly motivated and cares would work through the "realities" of being with me. Perhaps, slipping out of Dom role long enough to do the dishes and run the vacuum so I won't be so tired or so we could get to the good stuff earlier in the evening!

Just random thoughts hampered by NyQuil!

 

[Shadowsdream]

Finding a bit of "realism" in a D/s relationship is much like any other.

Knowing what you want.
Finding a partner who can give it you as well as one who wants what you give.
Can you meet one another's needs within the parameters and limitations set by your life? i.e. children, distance, employment, values, ethics, etc

For me, that is where reality has broken down. Frankly, it is easy to say, "I love kids and they aren't a problem."
But to face the fact that the children's needs will often, if not always come before a Dom's needs can be a bolt of lightening.
Or, to think a single working mom may be too tired to play in the middle of the week at 11 p.m. after the household duties are accomplished and all are asleep has caused difficulties.

Then, realistically, a Dom who is truly motivated and cares would work through the "realities" of being with me. Perhaps, slipping out of Dom role long enough to do the dishes and run the vacuum so I won't be so tired or so we could get to the good stuff earlier in the evening!

Just random thoughts hampered by NyQuil!

Random rambling thoughts but realistic and valid...

Many of the day to day realities whether it be children, work or illness must be INCORPORATED into the Domination style of the one in control.
Reality is not all about play it is about control, care, satisfaction and contentment at the end of the day.
The play is the icing on the cake.
It can be as Dominating to "command" the submissive to read a magazine for 30 minutes...no choice, while I "enjoy" doing the dinner dishes and "inspecting" the quality of the cleanliness of the kitchen in general.
"Directing" the submissive to soak in a bubble bath to become soft and beautiful for a full body inspection! While I vacuum the living room.
It is the "directing and commanding" that remove guilt and also expand a scene in ways that may not be considered...which means the BDSM scenerio "begins" before the actual play but intensifies the play for both parties if the MINDSET is honest.
Realistic D/s life/play styles can only benefit from USING the day to day realities to "add" rather than "detract" from the pleasures of those BIG moments.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Bump

 

[cellis]

My D/s relationship with Himself is not like other relationships because we are unique people. There are factors at play including a long term illness that prevents us from having a D/s relationship 24/7.

Our schedules are such that we are lucky if we see each other 3 or 4 times a week... We talk several times everyday... He always calls on His way to work to check in and give me directions for the day... He calls every evening for the same thing... and sometimes we talk for more than an hour during the day...

We did not start out as love relationship, our sole purpose was the D/s part of the relationship... love grew as our trust in each other grew and the relationship grew from there.

This is just what works for us....

 

[Ebonyfire]

My D/s relationship with Himself is not like other relationships because we are unique people. There are factors at play including a long term illness that prevents us from having a D/s relationship 24/7.

Our schedules are such that we are lucky if we see each other 3 or 4 times a week... We talk several times everyday... He always calls on His way to work to check in and give me directions for the day... He calls every evening for the same thing... and sometimes we talk for more than an hour during the day...

We did not start out as love relationship, our sole purpose was the D/s part of the relationship... love grew as our trust in each other grew and the relationship grew from there.

This is just what works for us....

Thanks for sharing your magic cellis.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Often the most Powerful and lasting love relationships between a BDSM couple began as ONLY a BDSM relationship. Beginning with out the expectations of hearts and flowers gave a freedom to grow and learn each other from the rawness of the spirit.

 

[Ebonyfire]

<snip>Beginning with out the expectations of hearts and flowers gave a freedom to grow and learn each other from the rawness of the spirit.

Often love gets in the way of the D/s dynamic. Many times folks minimize the important of affection. You can be very effective in a D/s relationship that has it's basis in affection, as well as trust, honesty, and respect.

Eb

 

[Goddess Helena]

I completely agree, Ebony.


Helena

 

[Richard49]

Often love gets in the way of the D/s dynamic. Many times folks minimize the important of affection. You can be very effective in a D/s relationship that has it's basis in affection, as well as trust, honesty, and respect.

Eb

The affection has to be there first for me

 

[Ebonyfire]

The affection has to be there first for me

In that we differ. When I take a submissive I am not looking for a partner. I am looking for a submissive. I am primarily interested in the need to serve.

That is Me, and what I require. YMMV.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Reality is not all about play it is about control, care, satisfaction and contentment at the end of the day.
The play is the icing on the cake.

This really hits home for Me.

 

[FungiUg]

What does a realistic D/s relationship look like?

Are fantasies standing in the way of developing realistic bonds that can last over time?

Are expectations too unreal to be successful?

My own experience has been that D/s can be detrimental to a relationship. My partner and I struggled to come up with a way of integrating it into our relationship, since she doesn't have the fascination with it I do. Also, exploring it without her didn't appeal.

On the other hand, having discovered my extreme interest in D/s, I didn't really want to go on and leave it behind. As you can imagine, a quandary.

So adding D/s into an existing relationship is, um, difficult. Fortunately I have an open-minded lover.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Realistic D/s relationships

So adding D/s into an existing relationship is, um, difficult. Fortunately I have an open-minded lover.

That is a reoccuring theme in this and other D/s lists I post on. There are people who post on this very board who are fortunate to have found their partner, and then were able to integrate D/s into the existing relationship.


I have D/s and non D/s relationships that seem to work for the long term. I do not have a problem with that because I do not have a romantic relationship with any of my current submissives and are not likely to have one in the future. But I never say never. However, I have not intentions of giving up my non D/s relationship either. He has no interest in D/s, and I have no interest in converting him. He finds my activities interesting.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I like this one

Bump.

Any new posters care to jump in?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Bump

 

[WynEternal]

When hub and I first met, I was still collared to my Mistress. He knew what I was and accepted it, but he was also upset that I may have sexual activities with another of Mistress' boys.

We knew that my time with her was coming to an end, but I would still be collared to her in my heart.

For a while, I tried D/s with him, but slipped back into the vanilla world. Now, we're both trying to discover it in each other and so far, it's been fun.

 

[Ebonyfire]

When hub and I first met, I was still collared to my Mistress. He knew what I was and accepted it, but he was also upset that I may have sexual activities with another of Mistress' boys.

We knew that my time with her was coming to an end, but I would still be collared to her in my heart.

For a while, I tried D/s with him, but slipped back into the vanilla world. Now, we're both trying to discover it in each other and so far, it's been fun.

Skin to skin has a strong pull, once you have tasted it.

 

[Richard49]

Skin to skin has a strong pull, once you have tasted it.

It is all I have had
when I have had it