Realistic D/s relationships

[WillowPuss]

Goodness ... I have only just found this gem.


Many people are amazed that R and I have been married for over 25 years ... and ask us how we still seem to be so much 'in love' - not just going through the motions.

Ours was not always a D/s relationship ... or rather it was - but W/we didn't know it. (let me try and explain that). It was only about a year ago that W/we discovered what we liked and did had a name. Once we found that and did a little more research .... BINGO - a strong partnership/marriage became even more so.

We have had a few arguments (about 4, I think) and all through not communication properly.



For me ... a strong relationship must be built on openness, honesty, communication ... and a generous helping on being able to adapt and bend slightly.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Goodness ... I have only just found this gem.


Many people are amazed that R and I have been married for over 25 years ... and ask us how we still seem to be so much 'in love' - not just going through the motions.

Ours was not always a D/s relationship ... or rather it was - but W/we didn't know it. (let me try and explain that). It was only about a year ago that W/we discovered what we liked and did had a name. Once we found that and did a little more research .... BINGO - a strong partnership/marriage became even more so.

We have had a few arguments (about 4, I think) and all through not communication properly.

For me ... a strong relationship must be built on openness, honesty, communication ... and a generous helping on being able to adapt and bend slightly.

Actually, I was thinking of you and R when I mentioned a successful melding of an existing relationship and D/s.

Eb

 

[WillowPuss]

Actually, I was thinking of you and R when I mentioned a successful melding of an existing relationship and D/s.

Eb

Well now ... before I get a 'nudge' I will try and elaborate a little more, as it might give some inspiration/hope to others here.

I had known R for about six years before we even began dating - typical 'boy round the corner' thing - with His siter and I being very close friends.

Finally, we began dating ... way back in 1976, and married a year later.

I think what has made our relationship stand the test of time is the fact that we had/have so many common interests. It was a meeting of minds rather than just plain physical love.

As I have mentioned in several other threads, I am a 'natural' submissive. I am far happier in a secondary, serving role than I ever am in charge of anything. Rob is a very quiet, gentle soul but that suited me too as I had a few incidents in my earlier life that I was trying (secretly) to come to trms with.

Wind the clock forward a quarter of a century ... I had been through a year of hell trying to cope with a parent who had suddenly developed dementia. I leant more and more on R for support. He voiced surprise that I was needing to do this as I had always 'seemed so strong'. That was the crunch ... it had all been an act! I could be strong on my own - but was so much stronger with somebody else in control.

Finally, I found a site full of information. The description there of 'a submissive' could have been written for me. I devoured that site. Then I very timidly showed it to R.


And .... we have never looked back!

People who have only recently met U/us voice surprise that we look so 'right' together; that W/we awere obviously made for each other; that they wished they were 'as in love' as we obviously are.

I am sometimes tempted to tell them just why - but so far have hugged the secret to me.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Back to Basics

Bump

 

[NYCgirl26]

As I reading this thread I noticed that what seemed to be comming out was the realalistic...for lack of a better term "long term" D/s relationship. I mean as opposed to people who solely play together with out haveing a romantic relationship outside of that.

Now while D/s may be an integral part of our personalities if it is the only common point between a couple then I don't think it will last for a long period of time. You have to have other commonalites...Same thing happens in vanilla relationships; those based soley on sex usually don't last (I say usually because nothing is 100%). Same is true for the most part in D/s.

Just my thoughts.

NYCgirl

 

[Croctden]

Comments from a Dom with few successful relationships

The only thing I desire to add is that I've found it is of great value to be open about the relationship with each other. Don't pretend to be a normal couple with a kinky bedroom. Over that quick bagel breakfast ask her how her ass is feeling, etc.

And make sure you both know what the other wants in the relationship.

 

[Ebonyfire]

As I reading this thread I noticed that what seemed to be comming out was the realalistic...for lack of a better term "long term" D/s relationship. I mean as opposed to people who solely play together with out haveing a romantic relationship outside of that.

Now while D/s may be an integral part of our personalities if it is the only common point between a couple then I don't think it will last for a long period of time. You have to have other commonalites...Same thing happens in vanilla relationships; those based soley on sex usually don't last (I say usually because nothing is 100%). Same is true for the most part in D/s.

Just my thoughts.

NYCgirl

I do not have romantic relationships with My subs. Long term does not necessarily mean "dating". It means the relationship is well established. Not all of us are couples in the romantic sense of the word.

 

[NYCgirl26]

Your right Romantic was a poor choice of word. HMMM can't quite find to articulate my thought. I'll work on it.

NYCgirl

 

[Ebonyfire]

Your right Romantic was a poor choice of word. HMMM can't quite find to articulate my thought. I'll work on it.

NYCgirl

It is not that I thought it was a poor choice, but more like I want to make sure that people know that a non romance based D/s relationship is just a viable as one based on romantic love.

It is too often stressed in this forum that it has to be one way or the other. I do not think that it is that cut and dried.


Thanks for posting, your opinions are appreciated.

 

[NYCgirl26]

Eb let me ask you since I am curious and always wanting to learn something new. Do you think it is possible to have a lenghty D/s relatioship (in whatever form...your right there are many forms) and have the interest in D/s be the only thing the two (lets just deal with 2 for now) have in common? My thinking is that there has to be some other interest that they have in common, but maybe that is just something that I need.

NYCgirl

 

[Croctden]

Eb let me ask you since I am curious and always wanting to learn something new. Do you think it is possible to have a lenghty D/s relatioship (in whatever form...your right there are many forms) and have the interest in D/s be the only thing the two (lets just deal with 2 for now) have in common? My thinking is that there has to be some other interest that they have in common, but maybe that is just something that I need.

NYCgirl

I've tried this...bad Ju-Ju

 

[Shadowsdream]

Eb let me ask you since I am curious and always wanting to learn something new. Do you think it is possible to have a lenghty D/s relatioship (in whatever form...your right there are many forms) and have the interest in D/s be the only thing the two (lets just deal with 2 for now) have in common? My thinking is that there has to be some other interest that they have in common, but maybe that is just something that I need.

NYCgirl

Let Me try to answer this question from My own angle....In My own life choice arena.

D/s must be the dynamic and the mass of My relationship. Without it there will never be a relationship. Even trying to pull off a small dose of D/s will never lead to a relationship for Me.

BUT D/s is not enough to form a long term relationship with this Domme....the submissive that wants to catch My eye will have to be intellectual, curious and have a well rounded sense of humour.

Without D/s there is no beginning..without intellect, curiousity and humour there is no future. Love is simply the icing on the cake but totally unnecessary for Me.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Let Me try to answer this question from My own angle....In My own life choice arena.

D/s must be the dynamic and the mass of My relationship. Without it there will never be a relationship. Even trying to pull off a small dose of D/s will never lead to a relationship for Me.

BUT D/s is not enough to form a long term relationship with this Domme....the submissive that wants to catch My eye will have to be intellectual, curious and have a well rounded sense of humour.

Without D/s there is no beginning..without intellect, curiousity and humour there is no future. Love is simply the icing on the cake but totally unnecessary for Me.

Wow, you took the words out of my mouth.

 

[Etoile]

Eb let me ask you since I am curious and always wanting to learn something new. Do you think it is possible to have a lenghty D/s relatioship (in whatever form...your right there are many forms) and have the interest in D/s be the only thing the two (lets just deal with 2 for now) have in common? My thinking is that there has to be some other interest that they have in common, but maybe that is just something that I need.

NYCgirl

We had a thread about this a couple of months ago.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Let Me try to answer this question from My own angle....In My own life choice arena.

D/s must be the dynamic and the mass of My relationship. Without it there will never be a relationship. Even trying to pull off a small dose of D/s will never lead to a relationship for Me.

BUT D/s is not enough to form a long term relationship with this Domme....the submissive that wants to catch My eye will have to be intellectual, curious and have a well rounded sense of humour.

Without D/s there is no beginning..without intellect, curiousity and humour there is no future. Love is simply the icing on the cake but totally unnecessary for Me.

Have to agree totally with this except for me there has to be love....I'm greedy....I am fortunate I found all that in one special man and a love that surpasses all I could ever have dared dream of.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

I thought I would throw in my 2 cents worth.

I have a very successful BDSM D/s relationship. The foundation is BDSM and to be exact I would have to say it is a TPE (Total Power Exchange) relationship. We found each other through the Internet. After having had several part-time subs I found that part time for me was not enough and started to look for a 24/7 partner. Being hungry for a partner I made the classical mistake and took the first reasonable submissive that came along and thinking that I could straighten out the differences and could mould her into my image of a slave. This turned out to be a huge mistake and I learned from that.

Next I decided to become more methodical in my approach. Instead of putting up an ad and waiting for who would show up, I hunted ads, searched through hundreds of possible candidates and would talk and make contact with several possibilities. I even tried out a coupl, but every single time they would not comply to my demands. I was looking for a bright intelligent woman looking for a TPE relationship, I was not necessarily looking for experience but more for the correct type of motivation combined with a compatible set of characteristics. I was not looking for a romantic involvement.

Well after trying out about 6 subs I came across Catalina’s ad. To make a long story short, she proved to be the love of my life.

My advice for anyone looking for a successful BDSM relationship is to take your time, do not hurry, do not settle for anyone that is close to what you want go for the one that is what you want.

I would advice the following methodical approach.
Think carefully about what you want out of the relationship.
Be clear about your needs and find a partner that fulfils them.
Look farther then BDSM needs, if it is supposed to be a long term relationship you will need to have more in common.
Especially important is to not give up and take your time.

Francisco.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Have to agree totally with this except for me there has to be love....I'm greedy....I am fortunate I found all that in one special man and a love that surpasses all I could ever have dared dream of.

Catalina

I also have the icing on the cake! Bonus!

 

[catalina_francisco]

I also have the icing on the cake! Bonus!

We are both most fortunate women....I am enjoying my bliss so much I just wish everyone a similar experience.

C

 

[Ebonyfire]

Eb let me ask you since I am curious and always wanting to learn something new. Do you think it is possible to have a lenghty D/s relatioship (in whatever form...your right there are many forms) and have the interest in D/s be the only thing the two (lets just deal with 2 for now) have in common? My thinking is that there has to be some other interest that they have in common, but maybe that is just something that I need.

NYCgirl

How can any relationship be based on "only one thing". You have to look at the nature of a long term relationship of any sort for the answer to your question.

Are long term friendships based on "only one thing"? Probably not.

Just because a relationship is based on D/s, that does not mean it is based on "just one thing".

The problem is that people tend to assume what the dynamic of a relationship is FROM THE OUTSIDE .

Non romantic is just that. It is not a relationship based on romantic notions. Are romantic relationships based on "just one thing", with that one thing being "romantic love"? And if it is will it be able to stand the test of time? I think not.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Have to agree totally with this except for me there has to be love....I'm greedy....I am fortunate I found all that in one special man and a love that surpasses all I could ever have dared dream of.

Catalina

But My point is missed Catalina. You have missed it to.

I said that My relationships are not based on

ROMANTIC LOVE OR THE CONCEPT OF "BEING IN LOVE"

No one is asking anyone to defend their right to being in love. If that works for you then fine.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Let Me try to answer this question from My own angle....In My own life choice arena.

D/s must be the dynamic and the mass of My relationship. Without it there will never be a relationship. Even trying to pull off a small dose of D/s will never lead to a relationship for Me.

BUT D/s is not enough to form a long term relationship with this Domme....the submissive that wants to catch My eye will have to be intellectual, curious and have a well rounded sense of humour.

Without D/s there is no beginning..without intellect, curiousity and humour there is no future. Love is simply the icing on the cake but totally unnecessary for Me.

That was My point, SD.

But those who want to be in love, are not being challenged, nor should they challenge others who take a different view.

My purpose is to show other points of view. In the long run, it is up to the individuals involved to take the journey and to make it to their liking.

I could live with someone I liked much longer than someone who I claimed to be "in love" with. That is a fact.

Others may take a different view.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I was not necessarily looking for experience but more for the correct type of motivation combined with a compatible set of characteristics. I was not looking for a romantic involvement.

Thanks F.

And that is another one of My points. When I look for a sub, I am looking for the "correct type of motivation combined with a compatible set of characteristics."

Romantic involvement is not even in My top ten. Smelling right is higher on the list than romance. Sexual attraction is higher on the list than romance.

But the two most important things are intelligence and coachability.

 

[Ebonyfire]

More on "being in love"

I have talked to at least 5 male submissives in the past year who have had relationships that have failed because their female dominant "fell in love" and became vanilla.

If you think it is rare, then think again.

I am chatting on ICQ with a Domme who has a sub she has never met in real time, has been online for over 3 years, and she is in love with him.

Well guess who runs that relationship. Every time we chat, she is considering him first, and herself second.

Is this a realistic D/s relationship?

I think not. Why? Cause by anyone's standards, 3 years online only is ridiculous.

As for being in love? Well how can you be in love with someone you have never met, but only know from online and the telephone?

 

[catalina_francisco]

But My point is missed Catalina. You have missed it to.

I said that My relationships are not based on

ROMANTIC LOVE OR THE CONCEPT OF "BEING IN LOVE"

No one is asking anyone to defend their right to being in love. If that works for you then fine.

Not defending, just putting in my way as well.....everyone ticks differently, not better or worse, just different...plus I think I am still over awed I have found just waht I hoped and worked hard for.

C

 

[Ebonyfire]

Not defending, just putting in my way as well.....everyone ticks differently, not better or worse, just different...plus I think I am still over awed I have found just waht I hoped and worked hard for.

C

Well I suppose you are allowed....hehehe

but remember I have My eyes on you...