senryu/haiku question

[Senna Jawa]

Re: OR. . .

across wet paint
ants struggle
up the hill


Regards, Rybka

Struggle?! Naeh! U have your way with words, Rybka, but not this time. 1.It's better to avoid anthropomorphisms. 2.The workers and farmers were struggling for or against (nobody cares today ) communism/capitalism. 3. There is already wet paint. There is no need to tell readers what they already know, that ants have a hard time.

Regards,

 

[WickedEve]

Thanks SJ

I'm starting to realize that with a poem that uses minimal words that I need to make each one count. I thought dropping sticky, and using conga would tell the story better.

 

[_Land]

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Rybka


across wet paint
ants struggle
up the hill


Regards, Rybka
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

across fresh paint
ants are sticking to their job
work ruined
_LMAO i couldnt resist *nibbles* _Land

 

[Rybka]

ANT-hropomorphism

I wrote:

across wet paint
ants struggle
up the hill

S.J. wrote:

Struggle?! Naeh! U have your way with words, Rybka, but not this time. 1.It's better to avoid anthropomorphisms. 2.The workers and farmers were struggling for or against (nobody cares today ) communism/capitalism. 3. There is already wet paint. There is no need to tell readers what they already know, that ants have a hard time.

I thank you [I think] for your comment on my use of words, Senna Jawa.
However, I disagree that 'struggle' is an anthropomorphism. Anything can struggle, flies struggling in a spider's web is a well worn cliche. Webster even uses the phrase 'struggle for existence' referring to all organisms' Darwinistic efforts.
But if you, or other enlightened readers, can see the labors of the common man in the plight of marching ants then you are welcome to enjoy the metaphor.

ants weave
across wet paint
leaving their trail

Regards, Rybka

 

[_Land]

After perusing some literature

On the subject of haiku's, I found this to be most enlightening





Ippekiro Nakatsuka revolted against this general idea and he introduced the colloquial style into haiku. His haikus were released from the rigidity of 17 syllables and he initiated "the Free Form Haiku".

He also rejected the use of kigos (season words), and he questioned the usual operation of haiku magazines in which masters exerted a strong power. He advised haikuists to develop their personal style.



http://www.big.or.jp/~loupe/links/ehisto/ehisinx.shtml
I like the idea of personal style, trying to make everything into a form folows function routine is quite mundane

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: ANT-hropomorphism

Rybka's variation of WickedEve haiku, then mine:

        ants weave
        across wet paint
        leaving their trail


Regards, Rybka

                painter asleep
                ants trail across his work



  Senna Jawa


Regards

 

[Rybka]

I bow to a Master

Senna Jawa wrote:

painter asleep
ants trail across his work

See, we got you to write again!

Regards with respect, Rybka

 

[Angeline]

Is it me or have we had enough bug haiku?

Ants Schmants. I am hungry.
Take your conga line and go.
Pic-a-nic basket?

 

[karmadog]

Girl
bugs
not my girl

 

[stargirl32]

trying ...

paint curves,
ants hog road .

 

[karmadog]

feeling my age?

leaves fall
backwards hairskid


I think men know what I'm talking about.

 

[_Land]

Re: feeling my age?

leaves fall
backwards hairskid


I think men know what I'm talking about.

graying highlights
Falls gentle reminder
Grecian for men


:X _Land