Sexless Marriages

[Iarcr1251]

I have been in one for ages now.. he works away a lot and when he comes back its wham bam then that's it.. However, it does allow me to play when he is away and it actually works a lot better for me

Sounds exciting if you try exciting things

 

[Anchor10]

Ever tried the Lit Chat rooms?

Yes. Have had no luck

 

[overwatcher]

Question; Obligation to your marriage vows if you are in a sexless marriage. Do you feel that your partners contribute the bare minimum in your marriages outside of the sexless part? e.g. limited communication, lack of love, etc. Or is it confined to just the sex missing. To an extent I understand the whole 'life' getting in the way of the good times but if there is one thing that comes across in this thread clearly it is 'I never joined up for this.'

In short do you think your partner reconfigured the rest of your relationship as well.

 

[BillforF61]

Question; Obligation to your marriage vows if you are in a sexless marriage. Do you feel that your partners contribute the bare minimum in your marriages outside of the sexless part? e.g. limited communication, lack of love, etc. Or is it confined to just the sex missing. To an extent I understand the whole 'life' getting in the way of the good times but if there is one thing that comes across in this thread clearly it is 'I never joined up for this.'

In short do you think your partner reconfigured the rest of your relationship as well.

In my case, I’d say all other areas of the relationship are quite good. It’s just the sex that’s missing.

 

[overwatcher]

In my case, I’d say all other areas of the relationship are quite good. It’s just the sex that’s missing.

I've looked through quite a few posts in this thread but not all. There doesn't seem to be a post that has that 'Eureka' moment attached, ie 'We're back having sex again'. Does this happen? Is HRT the answer? Does therapy work effectively?

 

[BillforF61]

I didn’t know what HRT was, but in a quick google search, I see a side effect being an increased risk of breast cancer. Reading that, I wouldn’t want my wife taking it.

 

[Britva415]

Question; Obligation to your marriage vows if you are in a sexless marriage. Do you feel that your partners contribute the bare minimum in your marriages outside of the sexless part? e.g. limited communication, lack of love, etc. Or is it confined to just the sex missing. To an extent I understand the whole 'life' getting in the way of the good times but if there is one thing that comes across in this thread clearly it is 'I never joined up for this.'

In short do you think your partner reconfigured the rest of your relationship as well.

We reconfigured it together, once the "no sex" bit became clear and out in the open. Because the sex is the only incompatibility - but it is major enough that it would have broken us if we hadn't reconfigured.

 

[overwatcher]

We reconfigured it together, once the "no sex" bit became clear and out in the open. Because the sex is the only incompatibility - but it is major enough that it would have broken us if we hadn't reconfigured.

Huh. Nice. Well done. I can understand that communication maybe difficult initially, did it get easier as you both worked your way through it? And is there anticipation that things will improve more as time goes on? I realize that the subject is complex because you deal with individual responses; not everybody fits the same mold.

 

[Britva415]

Huh. Nice. Well done. I can understand that communication maybe difficult initially, did it get easier as you both worked your way through it? And is there anticipation that things will improve more as time goes on? I realize that the subject is complex because you deal with individual responses; not everybody fits the same mold.

Communication was never really the hard part for us. Agreement (to open marriage) took more than a year.

 

[overwatcher]

OH! Okay. Sorry, I wasn't expecting the second part of your statement (about the open marriage part). Look I don't know if you're comfortable talking any further and please just tell me to f-off if it offends you because you've pretty much answered my question on the subject: Its all around more complex than what a lot of authors describe it. I must say I'm intrigued how you even broached the subject of open marriage with your partner. I wouldn't even hazard a guess at the emotions you came across on your journey. Anyway, thanks for sharing.

 

[Britva415]

Sorry, I wasn't expecting the second part of your statement (about the open marriage part).

That was the "reconfiguration" I was referring to. Of course there was even more reconfiguration than that, once we realized our marriage wasn't what it seemed or was expected to be.

Surprise!

 

[Britva415]

is there anticipation that things will improve more as time goes on?

I spent about ten years hoping for this. Summer 2022 was when it became real clear that it would never improve, and that was when we started addressing the real problem rather than imagining some medication, or less life stress, or the end of perimenopause, or any other "just wait and see" factor would ever do anything.

 

[sunshinestate100]

Seems I've found the thread for me - I still have a lot to give, but it seems she doesn't want it. If only I were a little braver, I'd play away

I hear you. I have given up trying to talk about the issue of no affection at all as it always ends up with deflection and frustration. So much to give but don't want it always to be one sided. Been together 25 years so its difficult to just walk away.

 

[overwatcher]

I spent about ten years hoping for this. Summer 2022 was when it became real clear that it would never improve, and that was when we started addressing the real problem rather than imagining some medication, or less life stress, or the end of perimenopause, or any other "just wait and see" factor would ever do anything.

So during the reconfiguration phase and leading up to 2022 there was a transition to more understanding and conciliation between you both. Was the realization for change found over a long period or was there a point in time when you both went 'yeah there's the answer right there'? I guess I'm asking if there was that 'Eureka' moment.

 

[HampshireBoy]

Question; Obligation to your marriage vows if you are in a sexless marriage. Do you feel that your partners contribute the bare minimum in your marriages outside of the sexless part? e.g. limited communication, lack of love, etc. Or is it confined to just the sex missing. To an extent I understand the whole 'life' getting in the way of the good times but if there is one thing that comes across in this thread clearly it is 'I never joined up for this.'

In short do you think your partner reconfigured the rest of your relationship as well.

In my case everything else is just as good, a loving marriage with lots of cuddles and kisses etc - we're both still very much in love. The problem is that post menopause her sex drive has disappeared.

Very different to my first wife, where she fell out of love with me and sex then died out.

So my current predicament is far better to previous, in that I feel loved and appreciated, but can't help missing the sex.

 

[Britva415]

Was the realization for change found over a long period or was there a point in time when you both went 'yeah there's the answer right there'? I guess I'm asking if there was that 'Eureka' moment.

There was months of really trying to see whether there was a compromise on sex which we both could live with. That turned out not to be possible - the compromise she was willing to participate in was one which I was not willing to participate in. It was just too performative, one-sided, empty, unsexy, and kind of icky to me to be any sort of turn-on. So I told her, don't even try.

Then I brought up ENM (ethical non-monogamy.) We had already talked about that in a purely hypothetical mode, as something "some people" are known to do, but when I tried to discuss it as a practical avenue for us, I got firmly shot down.

So then there was months of seething, waiting, and mustering up the berries to not take no for an answer. There was never any manipulative ultimatum from me, I was just ready to take the next step if she continued to be against it. By the time I was ready to press the matter, for better or for worse, I found out she had also been doing some processing in the meantime, and had changed her willingness to consider it.

So we did, and we reached an arrangement. Casual, no-strings extramarital sex is OK with her now, and to be honest it's OK with me too even though I spent my whole life preferring to have a LTR with a "lover" instead of casual, no-strings superficial sex.

It's a hell of a lot better than nothing, which was what the prospects were before this agreement.

It has been great, it's like I have my partner back instead of being alienated from her over sex. I don't even take advantage of the pass very often, it's almost enough just to know I can.

But, of course I do, sometimes.

I get that I'm very lucky* to have such a good relationship and spouse*, and that most of the people in this thread experience insufferable shit more along the lines of what @sunshinestate100 describes above.

* Links go to another thread on a completely different subject. People can have other reasons to seek ENM besides having a sexually incompatible spouse. The other thread is about bisexual men getting a pass to cruise men outside their marriage. Do not pretend you weren't warned, if that's something you'd have a tantrum over after clicking. My links highlight a little more of my story about how and why it worked/was possible for me. It's because my wife isn't a fragile, narcissistic monster.

 

[mariv82]

HL 41 yo bi woman in a deadbedroom for over a year. Hubby seems to have low testosterone and no plans to change it. It socks!!

 

[Wld1936]

HL 41 yo bi woman in a deadbedroom for over a year. Hubby seems to have low testosterone and no plans to change it. It socks!!

Hey turn on your pm please. I want to send you a pm

 

[overwatcher]

I get that I'm very lucky* to have such a good relationship and spouse*, and that most of the people in this thread experience insufferable shit more along the lines of what @sunshinestate100 describes above.

* Links go to another thread on a completely different subject. People can have other reasons to seek ENM besides having a sexually incompatible spouse. The other thread is about bisexual men getting a pass to cruise men outside their marriage. Do not pretend you weren't warned, if that's something you'd have a tantrum over after clicking. My links highlight a little more of my story about how and why it worked/was possible for me. It's because my wife isn't a fragile, narcissistic monster.

I fell on this thread by chance. Call it first up inquisitiveness I guess - I'm a personals virgin. Well, the virginity things gone that's for damn sure. Replaced with a sombre awareness.

I have no idea what you folk go through. Hope you get through it as well as you can. Whatever way you can. Thanks for sharing. Stay safe. OW.

 

[zysmith]

Seems to be several sexless marriage threads here. It's been just over a dozen years for me.

 

[NomServiam]

It’s been close to six years of no sex in my marriage. I wonder all of the time why I stay. But what a wreckage if we split.
Often tried to talk about it, with different responses and reasons. It’s been so long, and so much confusions, hurt and anger, I’d feel silly if she wanted to start again. Suspicious maybe.
Very hard thing to live with.

 

[overwatcher]

Hi. 27/bi here would like to chat.

Okay.

Seems to be several sexless marriage threads here. It's been just over a dozen years for me.

Okay.

It’s been close to six years of no sex in my marriage. I wonder all of the time why I stay. But what a wreckage if we split.
Often tried to talk about it, with different responses and reasons. It’s been so long, and so much confusions, hurt and anger, I’d feel silly if she wanted to start again. Suspicious maybe.
Very hard thing to live with.

Likewise.

Look. If you want to talk I'm pretty sure there's enough here that'll listen to you. If you feel the need.

 

[Cuiousguy67]

Same here. Would love to find someone to chat with

 

[whiskeycowgirl23]

Been through the dessert more than once… anyone ever experience the ebb and flow pattern? After a while, it might be easier to stop being hurt and you just long for peace instead of getting your hopes up and then having after a short spin your self esteem takes another hit?

This is why I gave up asking. My self esteem took a huge hit. I did put myself out there one last time and asked him to at least help me get myself off and he totally ignored that I asked him. So I won't bring anything up again.
Some of the people I have interacted with on here have been a big booster for me. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I'm fine with that. Lord knows I have enough baggage to fill a small plane.

 

[Poetryinmotionxo]

Very frustrating