Sexless Marriages

[AttachedandLonely_UK]

Wonder if I should ask to change my username?
I should probably edit my profile too!

So, today has been productive - I will be moving out of the bed and breakfast after work on Monday and into a temporary flat - it will only be for a few months, but can at least be my place until then. Enough room for my stuff, secure parking for my toy and a spare room for my teenage kids to stay over when they want. That's all I need for now.

I understand the depression, the relief I have now is all too real. Please look after yourselves.

And now, I'm going to the pub for a beer or two - I'm not a big drinker, but I'm going to go to a new pub to meet some new people. Have a good evening all!

 

[Oazeal]

I hope so! I'm willing.

My marriage was sexless throughout it's 12 year existence for several reasons. I've been divorced for 7 years and it's been difficult finding a partner. I'm up for a fun partner, if anyone is game.

I live in New Orleans. If you're in the area, I'll gladly help you out. But if your too far away, We can always chat together and maybe help relieve each other's tension

 

[LustyScribe]

Today I'm thankful that I should no longer post in this thread...
I've not had sex, still, but I'm no longer in a sexless marriage either.

It all came to a head earlier in the week, and I left. Years too late, probably, but I'm going to enjoy myself now, that's for sure.

Kudos to you for having the courage to cast off the lines & sail on. I truly hope you find happiness!

 

[Representingmyhotwife]

I have this problem, which is why I genuinely want her to fulfill her physical needs with other men.

 

[scooterboy62]

Wow that's a risky business.

 

[Unleashthelegions]

Now it was only for about 6 months, but my wife and I opened up our relationship and I never felt it was risky when she was with someone else. Now granted she didn't feel the same way so she made I close things back up so back to where here I am, heh, but I think it is more about knowing where the two of you are, having trust and also just being willing to let their needs be more important than my ego, at least that was how it was to me. So I never felt any jealousy, but that may be more of something that is just in my brain chemistry than something you can just override if that isn't how you feel.

 

[scooterboy62]

Now it was only for about 6 months, but my wife and I opened up our relationship and I never felt it was risky when she was with someone else. Now granted she didn't feel the same way so she made I close things back up so back to where here I am, heh, but I think it is more about knowing where the two of you are, having trust and also just being willing to let their needs be more important than my ego, at least that was how it was to me. So I never felt any jealousy, but that may be more of something that is just in my brain chemistry than something you can just override if that isn't how you feel.

I couldn't do that and it's not about my ego, anyway it's me not getting any.

 

[Sexyranger08]

Hello 42 here and we hardly have any sexual contact.

 

[scooterboy62]

Hello 42 here and we hardly have any sexual contact.

Any particular reason?

 

[Sexyranger08]

Any particular reason?

She sleeps on couch most of the time and just kind of lost the drive I think

 

[cowboyup6977]

We made an agreement
If something happens when one of us can’t or don’t want it anymore
The other gets a permanent hall pass
It’s not fair to deprive the one you love

 

[Uneklensane]

It seems every DM I get here references a sexless marriage. Is mine sexless? No. It’s just he’s not part of it (that’s not saying I cheat). Hahaha figure it out - I wouldn’t brag that your significant other doesn’t have sex with yku… though I just kinda did didn’t I

So 2 thoughts come to mind. Either YOUR sex consists of self pleasure... or HE's having sex with someon(s) else. Am I close on either?

 

[Uneklensane]

That wasn't too difficult at all... but I do offer my sympathy on having to be your own source of pleasure. It's fine if it's fine together with your partner but not alone. Again...sympathies. Do you have favorite toy(s)?

 

[Friedfred]

No I don't have any toys. Thought about getting some

 

[Uneklensane]

So yes the pressure is on me to fulfill myself sure but let’s put it this way - I ALWAYS get what I want that way!

Understand. But in my experience it's sometimes exhausting to get there on your own... and the feeling of being "taken" there by someone else is often more erotically pleasing.

 

[enbiji]

I'm more of a marriageless sex kinda girl.

Well, me not married anyway.

 

[Friedfred]

I'm more of a marriageless sex kinda girl.

Well, me not married anyway.

So you're not getting any sex

 

[Uneklensane]

So you're not getting any sex

I'm thinking she is... just not married to get it.

 

[Unleashthelegions]

I couldn't do that and it's not about my ego, anyway it's me not getting any.

Sorry didn't mean that to be accusatory in any way. Could have phrased it better. I viewed it as if we are happy in our life together other than that and she could be happy with someone else for that part of her life, that would not bother me in the least. That being said, it comes with the understanding that if I am not part of it with her, I would also be able to find someone to be with, if I wanted. If both are happy, don't see the issue, but emotions can be messy.

 

[HampshireBoy]

Just gonna throw a few thoughts or things to ponder from my ( women's) perspective
* Menopause, women's hormones reduce to 1% of what we used to have (for the most part) Imagine cutting your testicles off. Men, testosterone, really doesn't change a whole bunch. A healthy male will produce testosterone and get wood, even into their 80's and 90's! Our vaginas dry up and turn to crepe paper.
* Once hormones are gone, our brains don't miss sex, it's awful
* I would think most women don't realize that when our sex drive disappears and when we turn down our men's sexual asks, that rejection REALLY hurts them mentally.
* I never realized or understood how important sex is to the husband and a marriage. Men and sex = feeling wanted, needed, intimacy, requirement to be happy.

My personal experience with menopause has been a fucking rollercoaster. My family and myself have suffered some tough times.

Communication and understanding is key. Just some thoughts from a random old lady. Please note this is not gospel...every situation is different.

Thanks for your input, yes Menopause is hell and for many women seems to stop all sex drive and even make sex painful. As with everything in a relationship, communication is key.

My wife is hopefully through her menopause, last period seven years ago. We're still working on communication, I'm lucky in that she recognises that it is a problem- I want sex, she isn't bothered either way. I'm also lucky in that she is now trying more and she has found that she might not desire it beforehand but she normally enjoys it, she has orgasmed most times recently - which she wasn't before.

As you say, she hadn't realised that it had become such a problem "Was it really that long?" but she has had heart problems as well and neither of us wanted to take risks.

On my side I have being doing my best to understand the changes in her body and hormones and be understanding - she isn't going to instantly turn on and she gets tired alot quicker than she did before - when tired she really doesn't feel like sex. But we have both realised that snuggling up and stroking doesn't have to lead to sex, it can just be stroking each other for the sake of it.

* I never realized or understood how important sex is to the husband and a marriage. Men and sex = feeling wanted, needed, intimacy, requirement to be happy.

This is a fundamental difference between men and women; women often need to feel wanted to have sex, men kinda need sex to feel wanted.

My wife has come to realise that sometimes deep down (and without meaning to) I equate her not wanting sex with her no longer loving and wanting me. To be honest I'm not sure that I was aware of it at a conscious level, I just worried that she was falling out of love.

 

[scooterboy62]

It seems every DM I get here references a sexless marriage. Is mine sexless? No. It’s just he’s not part of it (that’s not saying I cheat). Hahaha figure it out - I wouldn’t brag that your significant other doesn’t have sex with yku… though I just kinda did didn’t I?

Self pleasure is fine, but it's not the same as with your partner.

 

[scooterboy62]

Thanks for your input, yes Menopause is hell and for many women seems to stop all sex drive and even make sex painful. As with everything in a relationship, communication is key.

My wife is hopefully through her menopause, last period seven years ago. We're still working on communication, I'm lucky in that she recognises that it is a problem- I want sex, she isn't bothered either way. I'm also lucky in that she is now trying more and she has found that she might not desire it beforehand but she normally enjoys it, she has orgasmed most times recently - which she wasn't before.

As you say, she hadn't realised that it had become such a problem "Was it really that long?" but she has had heart problems as well and neither of us wanted to take risks.

On my side I have being doing my best to understand the changes in her body and hormones and be understanding - she isn't going to instantly turn on and she gets tired alot quicker than she did before - when tired she really doesn't feel like sex. But we have both realised that snuggling up and stroking doesn't have to lead to sex, it can just be stroking each other for the sake of it.

This is a fundamental difference between men and women; women often need to feel wanted to have sex, men kinda need sex to feel wanted.

My wife has come to realise that sometimes deep down (and without meaning to) I equate her not wanting sex with her no longer loving and wanting me. To be honest I'm not sure that I was aware of it at a conscious level, I just worried that she was falling out of love.

Another Hampshire boy, that makes 2 of us.

 

[Olderwiserstillhorny]

I guess I will deal with it accordingly.
Eatin ain't cheatin.

 

[Friedfred]

I guess I will deal with it accordingly.
Eatin ain't cheatin.

Problem is you have to have a friend that will participate

 

[TemptationTango]

My wife decided she didn't want to have sex anymore when she was in her late 30s so for her, it was a conscious decision and not one triggered by the hormonal changes from menopause.

The medical community will readily admit that whatever they think they know about hormones is in it's infancy. They are not always tied to menopause. It's not an excuse, but they are still a major player in sexual need. My wife is flat lined hormone-wise. She knows how much is on the line, acknowledges it, but yet still is unable to respond to me in any sexual way on her own terms.
We talked again last week, and she cried while telling me I was so patient and understanding. I get it now...the whole picture, so that is why I made the decision to have a FWB with zero guilt.
I would like to come back in 100 years and see what we have found out about hormones........I bet it is fascinating.