Sexless Marriages

[Vivacious_in_the_TxHills]

Try twice in 3 years. Now after this long ive lost hope, then lost interest. What a racket women can run and it’s lauded as somebpower of abilty. No, it easy to shut down and do nothing. It’s not a skillnor power. Its bullshit. When to know it’s over is a lost concept. Roommates. More like cellmates.

I’m curious, “what a racket women can run,” could you please give me some tips? I could use some extra money.

 

[Polranny]

It has bern sexless for so long i have forgotten the initial cause of her withdrawal of favours.

 

[Sweetdreams71]

Just gonna throw a few thoughts or things to ponder from my ( women's) perspective
* Menopause, women's hormones reduce to 1% of what we used to have (for the most part) Imagine cutting your testicles off. Men, testosterone, really doesn't change a whole bunch. A healthy male will produce testosterone and get wood, even into their 80's and 90's! Our vaginas dry up and turn to crepe paper.
* Once hormones are gone, our brains don't miss sex, it's awful
* I would think most women don't realize that when our sex drive disappears and when we turn down our men's sexual asks, that rejection REALLY hurts them mentally.
* I never realized or understood how important sex is to the husband and a marriage. Men and sex = feeling wanted, needed, intimacy, requirement to be happy.

My personal experience with menopause has been a fucking rollercoaster. My family and myself have suffered some tough times.

Communication and understanding is key. Just some thoughts from a random old lady. Please note this is not gospel...every situation is different.

 

[Lady2020]

IdK. I was 50 when menopause hit me. The idea that sex was no longer something that I shouldn't be interested in just never occurred to me.

 

[Noor]

Just gonna throw a few thoughts or things to ponder from my ( women's) perspective
* Menopause, women's hormones reduce to 1% of what we used to have (for the most part) Imagine cutting your testicles off. Men, testosterone, really doesn't change a whole bunch. A healthy male will produce testosterone and get wood, even into their 80's and 90's! Our vaginas dry up and turn to crepe paper.
* Once hormones are gone, our brains don't miss sex, it's awful
* I would think most women don't realize that when our sex drive disappears and when we turn down our men's sexual asks, that rejection REALLY hurts them mentally.
* I never realized or understood how important sex is to the husband and a marriage. Men and sex = feeling wanted, needed, intimacy, requirement to be happy.

My personal experience with menopause has been a fucking rollercoaster. My family and myself have suffered some tough times.

Communication and understanding is key. Just some thoughts from a random old lady. Please note this is not gospel...every situation is different.

Men don’t seem to realize how important sex is to women as well

Just gonna throw a few thoughts or things to ponder from my ( women's) perspective
* Menopause, women's hormones reduce to 1% of what we used to have (for the most part) Imagine cutting your testicles off. Men, testosterone, really doesn't change a whole bunch. A healthy male will produce testosterone and get wood, even into their 80's and 90's! Our vaginas dry up and turn to crepe paper.
* Once hormones are gone, our brains don't miss sex, it's awful
* I would think most women don't realize that when our sex drive disappears and when we turn down our men's sexual asks, that rejection REALLY hurts them mentally.
* I never realized or understood how important sex is to the husband and a marriage. Men and sex = feeling wanted, needed, intimacy, requirement to be happy.

My personal experience with menopause has been a fucking rollercoaster. My family and myself have suffered some tough times.

Communication and understanding is key. Just some thoughts from a random old lady. Please note this is not gospel...every situation is different.

as someone who had unexpected and unwanted surgical menopause before I was even perimenopausal, I can understand the drop in hormones.
My world went from full color to black and white. I didn’t realize until post surgery how big a part sexuality plays in my life.
Unless you absolutely can’t have hormones, I’d strongly recommend topical vaginal estrogen to get your vagina back in healthy form for your own comfort for your own comfort whether you’re sexual or not. This with also help your bladder.
Also an estrogen patch.
Plus a bidet or bidet spray. Getting cuts from toilet paper or having it stick to you is no fun.

I think women get intimacy from sex too, and want it to be special. And while, I don’t think anyone would turn down mind blowing sex, companionable sex is ok too, though something in the middle is probably preferable.

 

[MrGoatee]

Menopause is a killer unfortunately, from a male perspective I totally agree with @Sweetdreams71 the problem is we men dont change! I include feelings in that, I am still in love and do not want to leave or stray. But I don't like myself without sex, I'm just not a nice person. We do talk and try but our needs and desires physically are so far apart its painful.

When penetration hurts that affects me too which really doesn't help. It's all round a shit situation.

Nobody wants to be there.

God I sound like a sad sap lol

 

[luckydino]

Just gonna throw a few thoughts or things to ponder from my ( women's) perspective
* Menopause, women's hormones reduce to 1% of what we used to have (for the most part) Imagine cutting your testicles off. Men, testosterone, really doesn't change a whole bunch. A healthy male will produce testosterone and get wood, even into their 80's and 90's! Our vaginas dry up and turn to crepe paper.
* Once hormones are gone, our brains don't miss sex, it's awful
* I would think most women don't realize that when our sex drive disappears and when we turn down our men's sexual asks, that rejection REALLY hurts them mentally.
* I never realized or understood how important sex is to the husband and a marriage. Men and sex = feeling wanted, needed, intimacy, requirement to be happy.

My personal experience with menopause has been a fucking rollercoaster. My family and myself have suffered some tough times.

Communication and understanding is key. Just some thoughts from a random old lady. Please note this is not gospel...every situation is different.

Great to have a woman's perspective on this subject. I've been following this group for a quite a few months & think your response covers one of the biggest problems in a sexless marriage. My wife has been to hell & back over the past 12 years & has had everything possible to try & help from medication/HRT, therapy, counselling etc, but to no avail. It has completely changed our lives, unfortunately in many ways for the worst. I have been wanting to try & put my experience into words but I think that your post explains many things to people who may not be aware of what the menopause does to a woman - the decimation of the hormones is such a devastating thing to have to deal with.
Thank you for posting this simple & descriptive response as it may help many start to understand why things change. xx

 

[TemptationTango]

Just gonna throw a few thoughts or things to ponder from my ( women's) perspective
* Menopause, women's hormones reduce to 1% of what we used to have (for the most part) Imagine cutting your testicles off. Men, testosterone, really doesn't change a whole bunch. A healthy male will produce testosterone and get wood, even into their 80's and 90's! Our vaginas dry up and turn to crepe paper.
* Once hormones are gone, our brains don't miss sex, it's awful
* I would think most women don't realize that when our sex drive disappears and when we turn down our men's sexual asks, that rejection REALLY hurts them mentally.
* I never realized or understood how important sex is to the husband and a marriage. Men and sex = feeling wanted, needed, intimacy, requirement to be happy.

My personal experience with menopause has been a fucking rollercoaster. My family and myself have suffered some tough times.

Communication and understanding is key. Just some thoughts from a random old lady. Please note this is not gospel...every situation is different.

Bingo

 

[TemptationTango]

Menopause is a killer unfortunately, from a male perspective I totally agree with @Sweetdreams71 the problem is we men dont change! I include feelings in that, I am still in love and do not want to leave or stray. But I don't like myself without sex, I'm just not a nice person. We do talk and try but our needs and desires physically are so far apart its painful.

When penetration hurts that affects me too which really doesn't help. It's all round a shit situation.

Nobody wants to be there.

God I sound like a sad sap lol

Yep

 

[Tweedledude]

IdK. I was 50 when menopause hit me. The idea that sex was no longer something that I shouldn't be interested in just never occurred to me.

You make a very insightful statement. The "idea".....
i understand illness or other physical factors affecting both sexes in regards to sex we forget that the brain in both sexes is the largest sex organ.
From being thoughtful and understanding in all situations hard as that may be at times to being able to see the importance is intimacy even when the desire isn't there.
Life can sure be a struggle at times.

 

[LeeKee]

I don't get the racket comment. Is it better having a cell mate or just leave?

Sadly, it not just that easy. Lifes pretty complicated. But im seeking to respark our marriage and its just difficult to navigate. Her attitude will not allow happiness. But what else than to try. Or quit. Dunno.

 

[Tweedledude]

Sadly, it not just that easy. Lifes pretty complicated. But im seeking to respark our marriage and its just difficult to navigate. Her attitude will not allow happiness. But what else than to try. Or quit. Dunno.

Would she be willing to do bioidentical hormone therapy? My Lady did it. Made a huge difference but then she quit not willing to put in the effort. It's difficult so I'll just understand

 

[LeeKee]

Would she be willing to do bioidentical hormone therapy? My Lady did it. Made a huge difference but then she quit not willing to put in the effort. It's difficult so I'll just understand

I do not k ow what that is, forgive me.

 

[Tweedledude]

I do not k ow what that is, forgive me.

Essentially is a MD manipulating hormone levels via medication. They work too find a combination that elevates mood, energy and desire. It worked but you have to be willing to do the work with the doctor.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bioidentical_hormone_replacement_therapy

 

[LeeKee]

Essentially is a MD manipulating hormone levels via medication. They work too find a combination that elevates mood, energy and desire. It worked but you have to be willing to do the work with the doctor.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bioidentical_hormone_replacement_therapy

She would probably not entertain it if it came from me. But thats not to say it might work. Its mostly her work and the way she seems to have 'out grown' us. It really is like alot of things, it come down to attitude.

 

[Tweedledude]

She would probably not entertain it if it came from me. But thats not to say it might work. Its mostly her work and the way she seems to have 'out grown' us. It really is like alot of things, it come down to attitude.

Yes that's the big factor in all of this i suspect

 

[writerzblok92]

Just gonna throw a few thoughts or things to ponder from my ( women's) perspective
* Menopause, women's hormones reduce to 1% of what we used to have (for the most part) Imagine cutting your testicles off. Men, testosterone, really doesn't change a whole bunch. A healthy male will produce testosterone and get wood, even into their 80's and 90's! Our vaginas dry up and turn to crepe paper.
* Once hormones are gone, our brains don't miss sex, it's awful
* I would think most women don't realize that when our sex drive disappears and when we turn down our men's sexual asks, that rejection REALLY hurts them mentally.
* I never realized or understood how important sex is to the husband and a marriage. Men and sex = feeling wanted, needed, intimacy, requirement to be happy.

My personal experience with menopause has been a fucking rollercoaster. My family and myself have suffered some tough times.

Communication and understanding is key. Just some thoughts from a random old lady. Please note this is not gospel...every situation is different.

What valuable insight. I can understand much of that. Those last two items, though, they really struck home with me.

My wife decided she didn't want to have sex anymore when she was in her late 30s so for her, it was a conscious decision and not one triggered by the hormonal changes from menopause.

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

Just gonna throw a few thoughts or things to ponder from my ( women's) perspective
* Menopause, women's hormones reduce to 1% of what we used to have (for the most part) Imagine cutting your testicles off. Men, testosterone, really doesn't change a whole bunch. A healthy male will produce testosterone and get wood, even into their 80's and 90's! Our vaginas dry up and turn to crepe paper.

This is true if someone is otherwise healthy. My body stopped producing almost all testosterone in my 30s and I rely solely on replacement therapy. The amount of men on testosterone therapy is much higher than you'd think.

* Once hormones are gone, our brains don't miss sex, it's awful

Even with nearly 0 testosterone, I still missed sex, both for the physical and emotional/relational aspect of it.

* I would think most women don't realize that when our sex drive disappears and when we turn down our men's sexual asks, that rejection REALLY hurts them mentally.
* I never realized or understood how important sex is to the husband and a marriage. Men and sex = feeling wanted, needed, intimacy, requirement to be happy.

This is 100% true. Most men have an unconscious need to feel wanted and desired which isn't dissimilar from women. It's just part of the human condition.

My personal experience with menopause has been a fucking rollercoaster. My family and myself have suffered some tough times.

Communication and understanding is key. Just some thoughts from a random old lady. Please note this is not gospel...every situation is different.

Much like any other situation we find ourselves in, the situation may be similar, but the conditions which caused it vary widely, person to person.

 

[TemptationTango]

Would she be willing to do bioidentical hormone therapy? My Lady did it. Made a huge difference but then she quit not willing to put in the effort. It's difficult so I'll just understand

Mine did the same...I was stunned when she quit.

 

[Bagpipefish46]

I don’t mind the sexless part as much as I would her not loving me anymore, it took a while to understand that for me pretty happy now I have it alright in my head

 

[Sweetdreams71]

Even with nearly 0 testosterone, I still missed sex, both for the physical and emotional/relational aspect of it.

I think men tie sex and emotional needs together. I think we express it differently. I would give anything for more emotional touches all day long, hugs, kisses, hold hands, cuddles... Just many moments through out the day.

This is 100% true. Most men have an unconscious need to feel wanted and desired which isn't dissimilar from women. It's just part of the human condition.

Agree, for men it's sex . Women I would think need more than sex for affirmation.

 

[Purple_Fronds]

As depressing as the subject is, I’m enjoying this thread a lot. I think it epitomizes the coolness of the lit forums, it’s people, the general positivity, being open to other points of view and just a really wonderful feeling of support.

Since joining I’ve been lucky enough to have met a lot of good people and enjoy some nice chats and in some cases a little more. It’s an interesting sensation to feel connection to people while also being anonymous.

A lot of what has been said resonates, and I’m definitely more in the camp of my wife is the love of my life, my best friend etc. but….. and to that end as resentful as sometimes i get I remind myself that she hates the situation too. This is both because her sex drive is non existent, it’s often painful and much to her annoyance my sex drive, which I now realize was always very high, hasn’t changed at all. I don’t hide this from her, she knows I find her desirable and that I’m ready if she is but I also need to get release otherwise I don’t function, she’ll hold me sometimes as I lay there and it might seem weird but it’s actually comforting.

From my discussions here and with my friends in real life it’s clear that this is also the situation for a lot of women, maybe not the same number as men but still significant. I have a friend who likens the situation with her husband as being room mates, she has not been touched in years, there’s no love. In this regard I’m much better off, and like a lot of people she’s biding her time because she knows it will blow up her family.

For me personally I’m deeply aware the effect a separation or divorce will have on my kids, and the pain it will cause to my wife. I’m also not a fantasized where I think somehow this will lead to a bountiful of sex with a lot of super hot women, intimacy and not severely impact what by any measure (minus the sex problem) is a great life.
I have no desire to open the marriage, I take my wife at her word that she has no interest in sex and it’s not me. I have zero interest in having her meeting other guys, it’s one of the few fetishes I don’t have . I’m also not naive enough to think she couldn’t or wouldn’t go out and meet somebody. I’d like her to be ok with me satisfying this need outside of the marriage but I think it’s a big step for her.

To further complicate things I would say I’m quite kinky, which my wife knew when we met, embraced and yet in retrospect was not really, and as time progressed this went away too.

I’ve considered taking pills to lower my drive but fundamentally I like how I am, my wife doesn’t want to do much about her situation and of course that’s her choice.

On the plus side, my wife and I are now able to talk about this much more easily, with less shouting and tears. For my part I have no compunction about seeing sex workers or establishing a friends with benefits situation, if that’s what it calls for. In the future i don’t think the status quo will last, it will likely lead me to giving her some alternatives of how I can address my needs and she will most likely choose separation.

 

[bestkeptsecret678]

A poster earlier asked the question, why stick around then. If there are no other meaningful gains from the relationship, then sure, stop wasting time and get about the business of making one's life better.

But, maybe I'm the lucky one on this thread, because my relationship is otherwise healthy, and the benefits derived outweigh the downsides of doing without intimacy, I'm not going anywhere.... It does mean finding ways, to include writing erotica, to fill that gap on my own. (footnote: affairs are no longer on the table)

 

[LL_RS]

I’m in!!!

‘Fuck your way through your 20’s (safely) and leave marriage until you have a career, bank account, house and at least 20 lovers under your belt!’

Or you’ll end up like us; regretful, disappointed, sorely sorry and looking for some side fucking.

So true. Experience is very much key. Also worth noting is that people also change. Bodies change, mentally and physically and both are connected. Health and wellbeing go hand in hand. You can have the perfect partner in your 30’s, beautiful mind and body but all it takes is a sudden illness and peoples mental health can be affected. An illness may not be instant just something that creeps into your life as you age.

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

I think men tie sex and emotional needs together. I think we express it differently. I would give anything for more emotional touches all day long, hugs, kisses, hold hands, cuddles... Just many moments through out the day.

After I posted and reread your previous comments, I realized I hadn't realized you were probably referring to just women and not everyone. So I see what you're saying now.

Agree, for men it's sex . Women I would think need more than sex for affirmation.

Probably true. Men want the actions to show they are desired and women want the verbal reaffirmation.

From my discussions here and with my friends in real life it’s clear that this is also the situation for a lot of women, maybe not the same number as men but still significant. I have a friend who likens the situation with her husband as being room mates, she has not been touched in years, there’s no love. In this regard I’m much better off, and like a lot of people she’s biding her time because she knows it will blow up her family.

This is the exact situation I find myself in.

But, maybe I'm the lucky one on this thread, because my relationship is otherwise healthy, and the benefits derived outweigh the downsides of doing without intimacy, I'm not going anywhere.... It does mean finding ways, to include writing erotica, to fill that gap on my own. (footnote: affairs are no longer on the table)

You are fortunate. Good for you.

So true. Experience is very much key. Also worth noting is that people also change. Bodies change, mentally and physically and both are connected. Health and wellbeing go hand in hand. You can have the perfect partner in your 30’s, beautiful mind and body but all it takes is a sudden illness and peoples mental health can be affected. An illness may not be instant just something that creeps into your life as you age.

This is so true. I acknowledge that there is change and growth in people as they age and it may pull on what was once good. For me, it was never a union of goodness, so it has only gone from bad to worse and my spouse is of the idea that divorce is one of the greatest sins a person can commit.