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Sexless Marriages

Spiritedlady said:
Sex surge

The thing you’re referring to in relation to women in their 40s and 50s is termed the Sex Surge - you should google it. I was on another chat site frequented by women and there were a considerable number of women commenting about it. My own marriage has been sexless over 7 years and now I find it extremely difficult. I wouldn’t say my behaviour has been entirely exemplary for the last year but I’m finding it hard to feel bad about it.
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My gf had this experience in her 40s. (Lucky me!) So did a couple of her friends.
 
Purple_Fronds said:
I have no desire to open the marriage

I’d like her to be ok with me satisfying this need outside of the marriage
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What does "open marriage" mean to you? Just asking because to some people your second statement would be the definition of "open marriage."

Speaking for myself, my wife is OK with this as long as it's not a relationship. Purely no-strings. But she refers to it as "open marriage" and that's not my favorite way to talk about it because I feel like it makes it sound like I have a regular relationship with someone else. I don't really have a better term that's as concise though.
 
Britva415 said:
What does "open marriage" mean to you? Just asking because to some people your second statement would be the definition of "open marriage."
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Open marriage to me would by its very meaning have to be reciprocal. I.e, we would both be free to seek sex outside of the marriage. I think some men that bring up openIng the marriage with their wife do so purely from their own perspective that it’s a way for them to have sex with other women, but don’t think through the fact that she is just as free to seek the same. Then they’re shocked when she goes and does that and in most likelihood has an easier time in finding a willing participant. I have no interest in doing that or presenting it that way, or putting it plainly her having sex with other people, so it’s not open for her.

My predicament which I believe is similar to a number of other people’s on this thread is that my sex drive is very high and hers is non existent. She’s said that it isn’t related to me, she’s still attracted to me, and if she was interested in having sex she would want it with me. For the record this would be my preference too.

If her response to this is that actually it is me and she wants to go and meet other men then that would be incredibly frustrating that she wasn’t honest and dragged it on, but that’s her choice. I would most likely just look for us to get divorced.

We can argue about the regular fairness of the different arrangements but for me, if I was not providing her the intimacy and sexual connection that was at the cornerstone of our initial relationship, then a lot of that responsibility would fall to me and I would have to be aware of the consequences.

Britva415 said:
my wife is OK with this as long as it's not a relationship. Purely no-strings. But she refers to it as "open marriage" and that's not my favorite way to talk about it because I feel like it makes it sound like I have a regular relationship with someone else.
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I understand words are important, but outside of the wording, her caveat seems reasonable on the face of it, of course if she and you feel that your relationship is otherwise good. It seems she cares about you having your needs met, even if she’s unable or unwilling to address it herself. As an aside I have the same problem with the word affair, I always think of affairs as being more than sexual.
 
Sweetdreams71 said:
Just gonna throw a few thoughts or things to ponder from my ( women's) perspective
* Menopause, women's hormones reduce to 1% of what we used to have (for the most part) Imagine cutting your testicles off. Men, testosterone, really doesn't change a whole bunch. A healthy male will produce testosterone and get wood, even into their 80's and 90's! Our vaginas dry up and turn to crepe paper.
* Once hormones are gone, our brains don't miss sex, it's awful 😞
* I would think most women don't realize that when our sex drive disappears and when we turn down our men's sexual asks, that rejection REALLY hurts them mentally.
* I never realized or understood how important sex is to the husband and a marriage. Men and sex = feeling wanted, needed, intimacy, requirement to be happy.

My personal experience with menopause has been a fucking rollercoaster. My family and myself have suffered some tough times.

Communication and understanding is key. Just some thoughts from a random old lady. Please note this is not gospel...every situation is different.
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Great insight, and well worded, my dear. You pretty much nailed it from both a man's and woman's perspective.
 
I think of "an affair" as being long term. Even if it really is "just sex," if it's happening over and over with the same person, I think it can be called an affair.

Maybe not a "love affair," but it's not a fling.
 
Britva415 said:
I think of "an affair" as being long term. Even if it really is "just sex," if it's happening over and over with the same person, I think it can be called an affair.

Maybe not a "love affair," but it's not a fling.
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Affair, to me, has feelings.
Mistress is a long term hook-up without feelings.
Booty calls, those are obvious.
 
Before I left my husband, I had relatives who assured me it would be better if my husband and I had separate bedrooms instead of divorcing. For the kids. I chose to leave. Unfortunately, I thought telling my husband upfront about leaving was the honorable way to handle things. His response was to rape me. I know what it's like to be in a marriage where my partner has different ideas. I could have stayed for financial reasons. And sold my soul. Fucking make a decision or quit whining.
 
Sometimes its really difficult for me to tell the difference between my side piece and slam piece.
 
Lady2020 said:
Before I left my husband, I had relatives who assured me it would be better if my husband and I had separate bedrooms instead of divorcing. For the kids. I chose to leave. Unfortunately, I thought telling my husband upfront about leaving was the honorable way to handle things. His response was to rape me. I know what it's like to be in a marriage where my partner has different ideas. I could have stayed for financial reasons. And sold my soul. Fucking make a decision or quit whining.
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Proud of you for leaving! Those relatives should have their noses rubbed in their ignorance. For me, even accepting a reluctant "mercy fuck" from my wife would be the equivalent of forcing myself on her, and the idea of it sickens me. I'm not interested in anything less than a fully willing partner who WANTS to engage in sex with me. I have "creative" ideas of what should be done with rapists.

I truly hope you find some genuine, healthy love.
 
writerzblok92 said:
What valuable insight. I can understand much of that. Those last two items, though, they really struck home with me.

My wife decided she didn't want to have sex anymore when she was in her late 30s so for her, it was a conscious decision and not one triggered by the hormonal changes from menopause.
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Thank you - indeed, it destroys the intimate closeness and impacts on what otherwise is a good relationship
 
AttachedandLonely_UK said:
Today I'm thankful that I should no longer post in this thread...
I've not had sex, still, but I'm no longer in a sexless marriage either.

It all came to a head earlier in the week, and I left. Years too late, probably, but I'm going to enjoy myself now, that's for sure.
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I made the jump almost three years ago. It's lonely sometimes (I'll never get used to eating alone) but less lonely than it was in my marriage and life's different when you've only got half your worldly goods lol. But, every day is another day full of choice and opportunities. I wish you well.
 
The depression some other folks have talked about is hitting hard right now, no change to the situation, I guess work stress on top of the lack of sexual satisfaction is hitting extra at the moment. I hope others are having a great day and good for you Attached, I hope you enjoy yourself to your hearts content.
 
Unleashthelegions said:
The depression some other folks have talked about is hitting hard right now, no change to the situation, I guess work stress on top of the lack of sexual satisfaction is hitting extra at the moment. I hope others are having a great day and good for you Attached, I hope you enjoy yourself to your hearts content.
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Be careful with your depression. I have lived with it since the mid 80s. I had it Under control until I had a heart attack. Then it walked back into my life like a bad nightmare. I still fight with it each day. But I know things can get better. It would help if if there is a way to relieve some stress and sex is a fantastic way. If you need to talk with someone I am always available day or night.
 
Friedfred said:
Be careful with your depression. I have lived with it since the mid 80s. I had it Under control until I had a heart attack. Then it walked back into my life like a bad nightmare. I still fight with it each day. But I know things can get better. It would help if if there is a way to relieve some stress and sex is a fantastic way. If you need to talk with someone I am always available day or night.
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I appreciate it, thankfully my only health issues at 40 is ulcerative colitis. But that doesn't help much either. I appreciate the offer and may have to take you up on it.
 
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