Shameless plug

[starrkers]

Thank you Varian.

The piece works really well on a couple of levels. Obviously, you took care not to reveal the situation the letter writer is in, and you did have me trying hard to guess until the very end.

Yay! I was worried that I was working too hard to keep it covered up.

When the conclusions comes, it's very poignant, realizing the letter writer is in prison and is in for life, and that her lover is now really beyond her reach, and the self-sacrificing, loving sentiment of her never wanting the lover to return.

Once we get to the end, too, all the details that came before take on richer meaning--why the lover had been crying that first night in the 'room,' and the image of the others being nice to the narrator at lunch.

That's just what I was looking for *does happy dance*

A couple of things troubled me about the letter itself. The opening line doesn't sound like something one would write in a letter--it feels like exposition for the reader, to me. And the tone doesn't quite work, IMO. It's sort of...flat? And perhaps it's an Aussie/American thing, but lines like this sound almost prissy--not how I'd expect a lifer to express herself:

"I really must find out."

You can defy the hard con stereotype, but I don't feel like there's enough here to break the mold.

I gather the writer is putting on a brave face, and we get the clue that she doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve when we learn that while they were together she never told her lover that she loved her. But I want something more from her--neediness and fear, or else more hardness, maybe?

I see what you mean. Not sure how I could do that without telegraphing the lesbian relationship and the jail angle though.
As to the beginning, I struggled mightily to start this letter. I knew where I wanted it to go and end, but couldn't get the start right. I might have to revisit it and do a rewrite, if I ever figure it out!

I think I spotted a couple typos:

I owe them big-time for that – it really made my.

I want you to screw this letter up and throw it away and forget all about me.

Dammit, I'm struggling to get the word count up and I miss one out?? Argh!!
I don't see a problem with the second sentence - being typo blind again - can you highlight?

Thanks again Varian, your feedback is always insightful and I treasure it.

 

[Varian P]

A couple of things troubled me about the letter itself. The opening line doesn't sound like something one would write in a letter--it feels like exposition for the reader, to me.

As to the beginning, I struggled mightily to start this letter. I knew where I wanted it to go and end, but couldn't get the start right. I might have to revisit it and do a rewrite, if I ever figure it out!

Hmmm...for an opener, you could go with something like:

Hey babe,

Damn, you're really gone. We knew it was coming, but it's weird, anyway, looking over at your empty bed..."

or something along those lines.

And the tone doesn't quite work, IMO. It's sort of...flat? And perhaps it's an Aussie/American thing, but lines like this sound almost prissy--not how I'd expect a lifer to express herself:

"I really must find out."

You can defy the hard con stereotype, but I don't feel like there's enough here to break the mold.

I gather the writer is putting on a brave face, and we get the clue that she doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve when we learn that while they were together she never told her lover that she loved her. But I want something more from her--neediness and fear, or else more hardness, maybe?

I see what you mean. Not sure how I could do that without telegraphing the lesbian relationship and the jail angle though.

I don't think you need to use concrete details that would give the situation away. I'm thinking more about mood and tone, word choice, phraseology. The same things could be expressed in a different voice, which might ring more true to a hardened lifer (you know, based on my vast knowledge rooted in blaxploitation flicks and prison porn ).

Dammit, I'm struggling to get the word count up and I miss one out?? Argh!! I don't see a problem with the second sentence - being typo blind again - can you highlight?

I want you to screw this letter up and throw it away and forget all about me.

Again, my it's me being American, but "screw this letter up" reads weirdly. We'd say "tear this letter up" or "wad this letter up."

Thanks again Varian, your feedback is always insightful and I treasure it.

Thanks for the compliment, and you're very welcome.

-V.

 

[starrkers]

Hmmm...for an opener, you could go with something like:

Hey babe,

Damn, you're really gone. We knew it was coming, but it's weird, anyway, looking over at your empty bed..."

or something along those lines.

*copy/pastes quietly while she's not looking*

I don't think you need to use concrete details that would give the situation away. I'm thinking more about mood and tone, word choice, phraseology. The same things could be expressed in a different voice, which might ring more true to a hardened lifer (you know, based on my vast knowledge rooted in blaxploitation flicks and prison porn ).

Mine comes from an early Aussie soap opera called Prisoner, set in a women's jail (think it went to the US as Cell Block H or some such similar)

I want you to screw this letter up and throw it away and forget all about me.

Again, my it's me being American, but "screw this letter up" reads weirdly. We'd say "tear this letter up" or "wad this letter up."

Ah, yes. It's one of those tom-ay-toe/tom-ar-toe things. I'll bear that in mind if I do an edit.

 

[starrkers]

I have a new story (again! What is the world coming to?)

Enchanted Twelve: Angelina Ch. 01

It is part of a chain story, based on the fairytale of the 12 dancing princesses. There will be two more chapters from me (one for each night of frolics, all about Angelina). Other authors are following the adventures of the other 11 princesses.
Each story stands alone, without need to read any other, although reading the m all would of course add to the overall impact.

 

[aussie_101]

Hi starrkers!

Great to find another aussie writer on the boards.

Read a few of yours - loved 'Across the Way', five stars from me. Sorry it's a bit late for the contest

Keep up the writing - I'll keep a weather eye out for new ones. Have a good night!

 

[starrkers]

Thanks, Aussie.

Basically just bumping this thread so I can find it when I finally get a couple of the half written school-holidays-interrupted stories finished.

But I do have a couple of new poems. They're both pretty short (hell, one's only 3 lines).

Click on the writer smiley if you're interested.

 

[starrkers]

My second chapter in the Enchanted Twelve chain is out today.

Enchanted Twelve: Angelina Ch. 02

Judging by the current score my writing's getting worse, so read at your peril.

 

[mjl2010]

I'm a boring old bat, and I don't do chat

Who the hell said you were a boring old bat anyway? Gonna read your chapters soon.

MJL

 

[starrkers]

Who the hell said you were a boring old bat anyway? Gonna read your chapters soon.

MJL

I did. Thanks.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I read chapter 2, and I liked it. I found it interesting enough to want to go back and read chapter 1.

I've never found you boring, or an old bat.

 

[starrkers]

Thank you Drkside. I appreciate it.

 

[starrkers]

New Story.

A Last Reply

Sequel to A Last Thought.

 

[starrkers]

Third instalment of Angelina's saga in the Enchanted Princess chain is now up Here

 

[starrkers]

And now, with no fanfare at all, I present my humble entry in the How To Contest

Write a Successful Romance

I have turned off PCs to test a theory, but don't let that stop you voting, please [size=-4]<-cheesy grin[/size] and I really love email feedback...

 

[starrkers]

OK, desperation fanfare for Write a Successful Romance

please read and vote

 

[starrkers]

Hi all. Guess what? I've actually written something, completed it and submitted it and all!

It's Non-Erotic and Halloween themed (was in the contest, but totally not a contender).

Anywho, if you're interested, give it a look-see.

Forever Autumn

 

[starrkers]

I've actually written a couple more bits.
There's What is Literotica, an essay; and a bunch of poems, ranging from mediocre to complete crap.

My latest is a Loving Wives offering, which at last look had a crap score and 18 comments of varying degrees of vilification, so I figure it's probably pretty good
It's My Julia and I'd really like to know what you think of it.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Forget the cat and the comments; this is a bit of a runaway train wreck. In less than one semester a whole married life has imploded without much rationale. There is no tension as Julia plummets from insatiable sex kitten to husband-despising ‘spod’ and the instant antipathy of the ‘Prentice bitch’ is too quick.

I know it is difficult with a first-person report style but, for me, there is no light and shade showing how Julia is torn between the two dominant forces in her life. She starts hopelessly smitten with hubby and flips without a tad of regret. Even with a vignette, the sudden change stretches credibility too far.

A few ‘for instances’;

If Julia is burning the candle at both ends with college, how come she’s sitting having coffee with the neighbour in the afternoon when her husband comes home?

Why does the husband continue with college after a warning from his boss and a wife who doesn’t want sex?

Julia’s enigmatic smile at the end of the trial jars with her earlier simplicity.

I always enjoy reading you but I feel you rushed this one a bit.

 

[starrkers]

Hmm, guess I didn't manage to convey the "my side of the story, coloured deeply by my feelings" component hard enough.

Yeah, it was a bit rushed - middle of summer hoildays here and I found an afternoon child-free.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hmm, guess I didn't manage to convey the "my side of the story, coloured deeply by my feelings" component hard enough.

Yeah, it was a bit rushed - middle of summer holidays here and I found an afternoon child-free.

Im amazed with Xmas and Summer hols you have any time to hang out here.

I got the point about 'my side of the story' - that was great, given the POV and style. It was just the Julia transition was a bit too quick and smooth for me. Shouldn't there have been rows and tears before bedtime? Sort of the lava bubbling before the volcano erupts. After all, she did love him to pieces at the start.

Still a great storyline though.

 

[Leto Degeneres]

You done good...

I've been watching this thread for bit because I'm curious about "hits" versus "rating" versus "number of comments" as a gauge of worthiness of a story. Well, I finally read the story.

...and I read the comments, and then I read the story again. I wondered how this story made such an impact with so few words. In fact, I copied the story and pasted it into MS Word - 1,237 words including the title. Here's where I think you deserve praise for this story. It has the style of those short stories found in the action magazines of days gone by. Those sold a LOT of magazines. You managed to present a "grab you by gut" story in less than 1,250 words. That, in my opinion, is an accomplishment. Sure, you could have explained this, expanded on that, but then, it would have been longer.

As for the comments - well, there's another story! Wasn't it fascinating the way they were all over the board? Wasn't it even more interesting that the comments seemed so emotional?

You done good. Nothing wrong here except the kind of tweaks you might add in hindsight.