Should I come out? Cheat?

[bluesky496]

The only sensible thing is to sit down with your wife and tlak it through with her, dont get upset if she gets angry, let her have her say, you may d=feel you have come to terms with itm which has taken you time, so imagine that she too will need time to come to terms with it as well. As you have kids, this will affect them too.

I would suggest before you do anything else you get some professional counselling and advice, as once you come out your life will irrevocably change and everyone in your family will be affected.

If your lucky, she may assist you in having a sexual relationship with a man to see if its not just the fantasy that turns you on, but also the reality. However the odds on that are fairly slim in real life.

Remember the stories on this site about such situations are fiction, real life is rarely that easy or clear cut.

I hope it all works out for you in the end, and that you discover what you truly want, that you get it and that you dont lose your kids in the process.

i totally agree with your advice ,the best way is to be honest and remember that your wife will struggle with it and it will hurt so be gentle .

 

[BidudeinWi]

Divorce, a "solution"?????

I wonder how many of the folks who posted comments suggesting divorce is good option, have actually gone through a divorce.

I am currently in the middle of one and it ain't no picnic. Frankly, it is the most horribly painful thing I have ever done. We've been married 21 years, I cheated with both guys and females and she found out. It hurts so bad that there are days when dying would seem easier or at least put and end to the constant, gnawing heartache. I wouldn't suggest divorce to my worst enemy. Do what you think you should do, but for your sake, I hope you don't end up like me. Here's the kicker........we both still love each other, are getting along, kind to each other, helpful and thoughtful. To any casual observer, everything seems fine. Yet, the infidelity is too much for her to deal with. She gave me a chance once, I went back to my old ways, and now it is over. She filed and that is that; won't change her mind and I don't blame her. My fault and now Her, I our kids and extended families are being ripped apart and it SUCKS.

Just my two cents folks!

 

[ndoorfin]

I had many gay experiences before I married, and I married her for all the right reasons and we had 3 beautiful children. desires got the better of me and I cheated, safest of safe sex, loving every minute of it until I realised it was what I really am. we seperated it was ugly she used the kids as weapons. fortunately those beautiful kids grew to adults and saw the happiness
this probably isn't an answer to your question but you have to find what works for you, otherwise you will both be miserable

 

[lustatopia]

Life is not two dimensional. No easy answers here.

antonym1000 has a massive existential crisis on his hands --- He has an emerging sexual identity that he apparently feels unable to share with his wife.

I agree with amigayorbi game theory analysis.

Antonym has to actually go out and have some fucking gay sex to replace the masturbation fantasy stuck in his head. He has to destroy his airbrushed virtual homosexuality with a couple of real-world experiences and then he can go to his wife with a bit more than just a whank-off dream to talk about.

Those who want to play up the immorality of violating sacred marriage vows or commitments to fidelity have a point, of course, but they've missed the point that Anton has already violated his wife's expectations in a very real way.

In reality, Anton problem isn't that he wants to suck cock, but that he has a sub-optimally relationship with his wife and so feels he can't trust her with his sexual fantasies. Very sad, if not uncommon, state of affairs.

To all the wannabe moral philosophers out there -- Anton has already "cheated" by failing to be honest with his wife for years now. Hiding away in the closet whanking off. It's like he's got a secret Swiss bank account stuffed full of sexual energy he's stolen from his marriage.


There is a fair chance that if he goes out spends some of that stolen sexual energy on some real cocksucking experience that might well be enough gay sex reality for him to say, been there, done that, and return to happy, boring, het monogamy for life. Lord knows, that's exactly what generations of boring American men have done and it didn't kill 'em...well, not most of 'em, anyway...

If it turns out Anton loves real gay sex, not just the taboo intertubes porn-driven whank-off thrill, then he can take it up with his wife. It might be the end of their marriage or it might, through catharsis, be the crisis they had to have to actually fucking get to know each other for real.

It could be the best thing that ever happened to them.

Of course, the IDEAL SOLUTION would be if Anton were "best friends" with his wife and he felt so confident with her that he could actually share his masturbatory fantasies with her. This would turn his crisis into an opportunity to integrate his secret sexual musings with the sex life he shares with his wife. Actually, in a loving, trusting, sexual relationship there would be no crisis because Anton's wife would have long ago been onboard with his sexual inner life and he with hers too. No stolen sexual energy.

 

[lustatopia]

I had many gay experiences before I married, and I married her for all the right reasons and we had 3 beautiful children. desires got the better of me and I cheated, safest of safe sex, loving every minute of it until I realised it was what I really am. we seperated it was ugly she used the kids as weapons. fortunately those beautiful kids grew to adults and saw the happiness
this probably isn't an answer to your question but you have to find what works for you, otherwise you will both be miserable

I'm glad it worked out for you and your family, but I just don't understand what you were thinking..

If you know you're into fucking guys, why would you marry a woman without first telling her, "Oh, btw... God, I love to suck cock!"

What are "all the right reasons" for marrying someone if it doesn't including sharing with them your entirely sexual identity?

If men who are even slightly sexual attracted to other men would simply just share their sexual desires with the women they ask out on dates, then so much suffering could be avoided.

As a young man back in the 1980's it dawned on me that if I was going to have an honest, fulfilling sexual relationship with a woman, I better hint around to her on the very first date, (if not just blurt it out) that I am also sexually attracted to guys. It just seemed so obvious that to have good sex with someone they have to be aroused by your sexual orientation.

I've found that the world is full of women who are sexually intrigued by bisexual men and are thrilled to integrate bisexual fantasies into a sexual relationship.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Life is not two dimensional. No easy answers here.

antonym1000 has a massive existential crisis on his hands --- He has an emerging sexual identity that he apparently feels unable to share with his wife.

Well, he did as of 2011. Old thread is old.