So, last week my mother committed suicide...

[VelvetDarkness]

All this is good, the more you talk and air your feelings the better, each time you write something else is coming out, so as your feelings build up write, nobody will tire of you Velvet

Blimey Micky, you had to quote the whole thing?

Thankyou, talking is proving therapeutic. Be well yourself

 

[mickyp123]

You will not exhaust your friends Velvet, itswhat they are for, as onyx said get through Thursday, draw strength from those around you.

Keep talking as well, like asimmering pressure cooker keep releasing that steam, vent ann cry as you want and bottle nothing.

Know that so many are and will be thinking of you, now andtheweeks ahead, and as far as recovery is concerned even on the longest journey thefirst step is the beginning and you have taken that here

 

[mickyp123]

You will not exhaust your friends Velvet, itswhat they are for, as onyx said get through Thursday, draw strength from those around you.

Keep talking as well, like asimmering pressure cooker keep releasing that steam, vent ann cry as you want and bottle nothing.

Know that so many are and will be thinking of you, now andtheweeks ahead, and as far as recovery is concerned even on the longest journey the first step is the beginning and you have taken that here

 

[VelvetDarkness]

You will not exhaust your friends Velvet, itswhat they are for, as onyx said get through Thursday, draw strength from those around you.

Keep talking as well, like asimmering pressure cooker keep releasing that steam, vent ann cry as you want and bottle nothing.

Know that so many are and will be thinking of you, now andtheweeks ahead, and as far as recovery is concerned even on the longest journey thefirst step is the beginning and you have taken that here

Thankyou, wisdom from the Dragon as per. If it's worth saying, it's worth saying twice eh?

I count myself very fortunate that here I can rant and rave and offend (hopefully) nobody. I don't know what state I would be in if I were internalising all this and driving my mates to nervous breakdown.

 

[mickyp123]

Thankyou, wisdom from the Dragon as per. If it's worth saying, it's worth saying twice eh?

I count myself very fortunate that here I can rant and rave and offend (hopefully) nobody. I don't know what state I would be in if I were internalising all this and driving my mates to nervous breakdown.

Say it twice, no i just stutter,well unless i have missed something i have not seen any ranting or raving, in which case "bring it on" vent all you want, imagin how a volcano feels afterwards, so crack on and when onyx hugs you, hug her back, the energy goes both ways, it will give her a sign as well

 

[onyxvixen]

Oh darling, you have listened to so much of this, uninterrupted, for days on end and you're not looking after yourself as you should. You're my best friend but to watch you sacrifice yourself to the point of exhaustion upon the altar of my grief is becoming painful. You need to rest yourself and have a little space from me and my pain.

Stop talking such absolute rubbish or I will spank you. I mean it. *stern face*

Would you just imagine for one minute how you would be if it had been my mother? Being able to help you gives me the stength to deal with my own pain over this. besides, you're looking after me, cooking and mothering me right back.

I do see the funeral as a turning point, not least because I won't have to face any relatives or be sociable. A big part of me rather mean-spiritedly wants to have the cats destroyed in some act of retribution but I know I won't go through with it. As you know, they're with one of Mum's friends because I can't bear to look at them. Of course, they're not really accountable for instinct and it's not them I'm really angry with. There just seems some poetic karma in it right now. Maybe I'll donate them to the chinese takeaway Mum liked. Oh look! A joke

Fucking good idea, poxy overgrown rats

 

[mickyp123]

Wow, first V talking about Karma, i thought that was just dragon stuff, then onyx showing her colours, stern face..................scary,

 

[mickyp123]

Wow, first V talking about Karma, i thought that was just dragon stuff, then onyx showing her stern face..................scary,

 

[NaughtyLil1]

I'm very sorry for you loss, Velvet.

 

[onlyerics]

Please accept my condolences.

 

[mickyp123]

Giving a bump to a supportive thread, good morning V and woof from the dog xx

 

[WantonWitch]

Velvet, we've never posted together but I just wanted to add my condolences for your loss.
It's difficult enough to remember loved ones as they were in life, but you have the added burden of trying to forget the terrible way in which you found your Mum.
The pictures are a good way to trigger happier memories....it takes a while but you will be able to remember your Mum how she was

And as everyone here says....take advantage of your online friends, talk to them, cry with them, vent at them and relive your good memories with them, it all helps and from what I've read, you have some very good friends....let them give you the support you need

 

[gypziedoll]

Velvet, I am sending you my love and support as always. I agree with everything everyone here has said, and if you need to rant or just need someone to listen, you know how to find me.

I wish there was more I could do for you to comfort you.....sometimes it is a real pain in the arse to be located so far away from friends.

*hugs*

 

[Straight-8]

Has anybody out there experienced anything like this? Can time really put a dent in something so shockingly disturbing? Anything, any experience or perspective will be gratefully received from readers.

Thankfully, no. I think you are doing the right things. You need PTSD counselling and I understand you are getting it. It can be very effective. But time is the big issue. It can put us a distance from any horrible experience which is all that we can hope for.

A good friend of mine lost her father to suicide. It was a similar story. He was terminally ill and chose to end it on his terms. Last time they visited him he gave her husband his saddle. Now in a ranching community giving your saddle away is a clear sign that you are counting on checking out. They just assumed it was because of his illness but a day later he was dead. She took it very hard.

I respect his choice and I respect your mother's choice. It is unfortunate that she didn't think it all the way through. It is also unfortunate that our approach to death is so uptight that they felt that they couldn't discuss the decision with those they loved and, by doing so, prepare them.

Hope you get the help you need and learn to manage your pain.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Well, tomorrow will be the funeral and I'm sat here with a vodka wondering how I'll feel about things in the morning because I honestly have no clue right now.

My mother's body, half eaten away by cats and ripped open and examined by both the local coroner and the research foundation fot her disease will be laid out in a closed casket made from biodegradeable (sp?), renewable, untreated wood. People will talk about her life but in truth much will be made of her illness and how her suffering has ended. Cue expressions of relief all round.

She will be buried beneath a tree in the forest near where she was born, adjacent to a plot that my aunt has already purchased for herself. I have written several versions of what I might say when the time comes, before the first earth is thrown on top of the coffin. I have no idea which one I will use tomorrow, absolutely none. Most of the people I'll be speaking to, I won't have seen for years. The stigma of mental illness means that my mother had few visitors over the last years. They spent so long discussing the faculties that she'd lost that they never considered the ones she still had. She missed some people terribly and I told them so, not that they ever bothered travelling over.

Oh fuck it, the funeral is really the least of my concerns. It's not as though my mother will be there. Let them turn up and weep on cue.

On that note, I think it wise to retire, I'll only read this tomorrow and be pissed off with myself.

 

[Eilan]

*hugs*

 

[Exciteher]

... I have written several versions of what I might say when the time comes.....

.....The stigma of mental illness means that my mother had few visitors over the last years.....

They spent so long discussing the faculties that she'd lost that they never considered the ones she still had......

I can't help wonder if some of the versions you have written of what you might say will set all of that straight, with compassion, with power and with grace.

 

[Cathleen]

Well, tomorrow will be the funeral and I'm sat here with a vodka wondering how I'll feel about things in the morning because I honestly have no clue right now.

My mother's body, half eaten away by cats and ripped open and examined by both the local coroner and the research foundation fot her disease will be laid out in a closed casket made from biodegradeable (sp?), renewable, untreated wood. People will talk about her life but in truth much will be made of her illness and how her suffering has ended. Cue expressions of relief all round.

She will be buried beneath a tree in the forest near where she was born, adjacent to a plot that my aunt has already purchased for herself. I have written several versions of what I might say when the time comes, before the first earth is thrown on top of the coffin. I have no idea which one I will use tomorrow, absolutely none. Most of the people I'll be speaking to, I won't have seen for years. The stigma of mental illness means that my mother had few visitors over the last years. They spent so long discussing the faculties that she'd lost that they never considered the ones she still had. She missed some people terribly and I told them so, not that they ever bothered travelling over.

Oh fuck it, the funeral is really the least of my concerns. It's not as though my mother will be there. Let them turn up and weep on cue.

On that note, I think it wise to retire, I'll only read this tomorrow and be pissed off with myself.

Velvet, I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you well tomorrow. It sounds like a beautiful setting for her rest.

What you've said above is beautifully true, maybe you can share that tomorrow. I'm listening to it.

 

[mickyp123]

So many from here will be with you today Velvet, i hope your emotions allow you to feel their thoughts,

 

[onyxvixen]

Oh fuck it, the funeral is really the least of my concerns. It's not as though my mother will be there. Let them turn up and weep on cue.

As others have brought out the achingly accurate way in which you have written about your mother. I'll highlight this part of what you wrote hon.

I know your mother believed, not in an afterlife but in a hope and that you are somewhat ambivalent about the concept. All that aside, one place your mother definitely will not be is that coffin. No part of who she was lies there and it is because of this, that you will be able to bid it farewell with grace and dignity.

For other readers, Velvet is holding it together admirably this morning and already talking about burying the cats alive with her mother so she's definitely showing spirit. Just as well the pesky things are miles away

I'll write this evening whether or not V does. Thankyou for all your kind thoughts

 

[Phaedre]

Will be thinking about you today Velvet.

 

[silverwhisper]

ditto that.

ed

 

[gypziedoll]

Velvet my thoughts are with you today Darling One.....*hugs*

Vixen, thank you for the updates, take care of yourself as well today. My thoughts are with you also.

 

[Night_Jasmine]

May the gods and elements watch over you and yours.

My sincerest sympathies and condolences for your loss, velvet. I found this today and was touched.

Buy yourself a locket, put her picture in it and wear it close to your heart until the day comes when you can let it and your pain and anger go. Like you, I've also worked with psych patients and understand what you're going through.

Keep fighting, velvet. Blessed be.

 

[Emes]

Hun....i wish i knew what to say to help but i know there is nothing. Today would have been so hard for you and the last thing you need is fancy words and stuff.

From me there are hugs.....