So, last week my mother committed suicide...

[mickyp123]

lord bob: it's a terrible, terrible feeling.

ed

I think totally inadiquate sums it up,you want to help but you can't all you can do is declare your thoughts and feelings, and leave it at that, and not being able to help really does hurt.

 

[mickyp123]

Being "close" to someone so you can feel their grief and not be able to do anything to help is indeed a very lonely place to be.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Being "close" to someone so you can feel their grief and not be able to do anything to help is indeed a very lonely place to be.

Alright Dragon knickers, point taken

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I hope so, I feel useless not bing able to help and protect her

Well that's at least partly my fault, as I really haven't given you the opportunity to do either. There is a PM heading your way Sir

 

[VelvetDarkness]

It never is pretty, but it's one of those steps that have to be taken for healing. The therapist will be better able to prepare you for facing them, and you have the support of those who care about you.

If I may suggest learning meditation if you don't already know it? It works better than most sleep aids (I end up hung over and exhausted, they never work for me) as it helps my mind let go of conscious thought and go into relaxation. It'd definitely help with your stress levels.

I can meditate if I'm already basically calm but find it impossible at the moment. I have no real technique as such, just to consciously empty my head of everything but one positive image or emotion. I also have the problem that, after I meditate, things can rush back in on me with even more force and I'm actually quite afraid of that right now.

I don't intend to use the sleep aids for more than a few weeks. It's basically to prevent the depression and anxiety that accompanies exhaustion. Exhaustion can be quite dangerous for me because I'm epileptic. It is also keeping me in a pattern so I don't sit up for hours on end at night, alone with my grief. This makes me more likely to reach for a bottle of something at the moment and I consider the sleep aids to be very much a lesser evil. It'll all be reviewed when I see this therapist anyway.

Thanks for the thought though

 

[gypziedoll]

sending you my love and all the good energy I can muster Precious one *hugs*

 

[lord_bob]

Well that's at least partly my fault, as I really haven't given you the opportunity to do either. There is a PM heading your way Sir

I saw it, though I will still try and protect you even without the given opportunity

 

[mickyp123]

Alright Dragon knickers, point taken

 

[VelvetDarkness]

sending you my love and all the good energy I can muster Precious one *hugs*

Wow, that's going to be quite a hit Gypzie, you radiate good energy like a second sun. I'll reflect a little back your way

 

[lord_bob]

well this will be my last entry on lit for a while

I will see you soon though

 

[gypziedoll]

Wow, that's going to be quite a hit Gypzie, you radiate good energy like a second sun. I'll reflect a little back your way

Awww what a sweet thing to say. Thank you Darlin', take care Velvet, if you need, you know how to find me

 

[mickyp123]

I think if candles are burning they should be seen, so rather than send you one as a PM, i will light one for you here Velvet,

 

[gypziedoll]

I just wanted to leave something for you to brighten your morning Precious.....


*hugs*

 

[mickyp123]

Dragonknickers

 

[angelkitty7888]

Sorry for your loss

I haven't been here long and i don't believe i've posted to you specifically but i do understand the pain of losing a parent... i lost my mother to hepititus when i was 10 she had been a drug addict and had caught whatever form it was from a dirty needle... and while i didn't see her (like i was supposed to) the day she died i do remembed the horrible color her skin was and the yellow of her eyes... i feel at least some of your pain and empathise with you completely... you faired better than immature little me did at her funeral i spent the entire thing like a brick wall staring off into oblivion or crying... so my deepest condolences and hope that you fair as well as i have since then *hug* and all the blessings life can give you

 

[HoldenMcCrank]

Velvet

I don't get on to lit as often as I used to... I am so saddened by your loss. I don't have any other advice to add to those that have posted before me. I lost my Father to suicide and offer you my support as I know some of what you are going through. I south out the help of a professional therapist after my Fathers death and it helped me. I know that you will be fine but my saying so will not make you feel better( been there heard that). You will find, with help, your way back to a better place. I will send you a pm with my info so if you wish to talk to someone removed from your situation you can.

Good luck to you and my peace find you soon.

Holden

 

[bobsgirl]

I don't get on to lit as often as I used to... I am so saddened by your loss. I don't have any other advice to add to those that have posted before me. I lost my Father to suicide and offer you my support as I know some of what you are going through. I south out the help of a professional therapist after my Fathers death and it helped me. I know that you will be fine but my saying so will not make you feel better( been there heard that). You will find, with help, your way back to a better place. I will send you a pm with my info so if you wish to talk to someone removed from your situation you can.

Good luck to you and my peace find you soon.

Holden

I'm glad to see you posting on this thread, Holden. I remember when your loss was new. I hope you're in a place where you've found some peace with it.

 

[mickyp123]

I don't get on to lit as often as I used to... I am so saddened by your loss. I don't have any other advice to add to those that have posted before me. I lost my Father to suicide and offer you my support as I know some of what you are going through. I south out the help of a professional therapist after my Fathers death and it helped me. I know that you will be fine but my saying so will not make you feel better( been there heard that). You will find, with help, your way back to a better place. I will send you a pm with my info so if you wish to talk to someone removed from your situation you can.

Good luck to you and my peace find you soon.

Holden

I am sure any experiences shared regarding losses in this way will be of great value to Velvet

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hello people, sorry I haven't been around recently.

I have been in London with vixen and it was there that everything really hit me. Have been quite unwell really, lots of crying and asking the unanswerable. I have never been a particularly spiritual person but of course I'm wondering about it now, which makes my inner cynic's blood boil at my self-seeking hypocrisy.

Good news is that I am seeing the post traumatic shock therapist tomorrow, earlier than planned. I have no idea how that meeting will go but it has forced me to start pulling myself together somewhat. I have regretted being away from here for so long after everybody has taken the time to offer their love and support. Please don't think that it's in anyway unappreciated. The people here on Lit have come to mean a great deal to me.

So I'll let you know how things go with this guy tomorrow. I do think that you either connect with a therapist or you don't. If you don't form a bond of trust fairly early on, there's no point in trying to work through anything with that person, regardless of how qualified they are or how successful they are with others. We'll see.

HoldenMcCrank, thankyou for taking the time to share your experience with me. Suicide is still something of a taboo, with the attendent stigma attached and even somewhere as anonymous as this forum I have received PMs from people who do not feel able to speak of their loss on a thread. That you have dealt with your loss and successfully come this far gives me hope.

Peace everyone

Velvet

 

[mickyp123]

I wish you well with your visit Velvet

 

[silverwhisper]

velvet: honestly, i think it's a good thing you haven't been holed up in your room on your computer. drop in b/c you can, not b/c you must.

{velvet}

ed

 

[angelkitty7888]

velvet: honestly, i think it's a good thing you haven't been holed up in your room on your computer. drop in b/c you can, not b/c you must.

{velvet}

ed

i agree! every one here is out for your healing not your answers you'll get through this and you'll still hurt but you will be stronger because of it believe in your own strength and the support we all offer You'll do fine

And i hope your appointment goes well and is helpful to you

 

[Daedalus77]

I too had PTS. I went to the Dr. and after hearing my story she pulled out a medical book and read me all the symptoms of PTS. I had all of them but knowing I wasn't alone made me feel better.

The best advice I was given was it's OK to remember it but not relive it. It takes time but you can get there.

You may have not been a perfect daughter but I'm sure she felt that she was not a perfect mom. It's a bitch being human. Forgive yourself and your mom.

 

[HoldenMcCrank]

Hello people, sorry I haven't been around recently.

I have been in London with vixen and it was there that everything really hit me. Have been quite unwell really, lots of crying and asking the unanswerable. I have never been a particularly spiritual person but of course I'm wondering about it now, which makes my inner cynic's blood boil at my self-seeking hypocrisy.

Good news is that I am seeing the post traumatic shock therapist tomorrow, earlier than planned. I have no idea how that meeting will go but it has forced me to start pulling myself together somewhat. I have regretted being away from here for so long after everybody has taken the time to offer their love and support. Please don't think that it's in anyway unappreciated. The people here on Lit have come to mean a great deal to me.

So I'll let you know how things go with this guy tomorrow. I do think that you either connect with a therapist or you don't. If you don't form a bond of trust fairly early on, there's no point in trying to work through anything with that person, regardless of how qualified they are or how successful they are with others. We'll see.

HoldenMcCrank, thankyou for taking the time to share your experience with me. Suicide is still something of a taboo, with the attendent stigma attached and even somewhere as anonymous as this forum I have received PMs from people who do not feel able to speak of their loss on a thread. That you have dealt with your loss and successfully come this far gives me hope.

Peace everyone

Velvet

Asking the unanswerable....... I have said of my Dads suicide that we have pieces of the puzzle but unfortunetly we don't have the box to know how big the puzzle is. Suicide hits the full spectrum of emotions. Don't ever feel like you have to hold it together for others. There are going to be times in the future when you will be knocked off your feet by your emotions.... I am guessing that you have experienced some of this already. These will eventually happen less often and not be as powerful. I would like to say that they go away, but cannot say that of my own experience. Not yet at least.

I am glad to hear you are seeing someone sooner then you expected. I will say this. Talk about it to any one that seem sincerely interested. Although they may not offer you anything that will help you. You will find more pieces / clues to your progress in those conversations then they will ever know. Just like a movie that you have seen for the 5th time. You will pick up subtle tidbits that will lead you forward on your journey.

Take Care and you have many tools at your disposal. Use those tools.

Holden

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Well, I went.

It wasn't so bad. I talked about mum and the way in which I found her because that's what's been standing between me and a 'normal' grief process. I have to find a way to get it out of my head enough to heal everything else. Even though I found her and reported her death, I still had to go and formally identify her, which I found unneccessarily cruel. I knew already what I was going to see and still had to go though with it. I thought that having seen her like that once it would be less shocking but I was wrong. Anyway, I have to find a way past these images and back to the good memories that I have of Mum, that much is clear.

I surprised myself by not crying at all, the therapist even looked at me funny for being so outwardly unemotional. I did explain that I spent the last couple of weeks crying virtually non-stop at every stupid little thing. I almost felt that he had expected me to cry and was disappointed that I didn't - there was a box of tissues in the room and everything. Look like I'm more officially fucked-up than I first thought. Well at least I won't bore the guy or waste his time.

I'm going to stay on the sleep aid but have refused any form of anti-depressant for the time being. The way I see it, it's appropriate and healthy for me to be utterly depressed right now and I think the best approach (for me personally, no judgements here) is to go ahead and be depressed until I've worked through this properly or to the best of my ability. If at that point I'm still not functioning as I should and can be said to have taken every other reasonable step, then I'll consider anti-depressants. I do take quite a lot of medication for ongoing health problems so I'm very cautious about adding anything else to the list unless absolutely necessary.

I did go home to vixen's feeling completely exhausted though. I collapsed on the sofa and slept for a couple of hours. It's possible that this therapy (which is going to be weekly to start with and then gradually become less frequent) may negate the need for a sleep aid. Everything exhausts me right now, maintaining my basic needs and sitting on my ass being bereaved is more than I'm currently capable of and that's quite a depressing thought.

Anyway, take care and I'll post soon