Soliloquium: Reflections on my World.

[ShyMystica]

 

[yeishia]

Thank you Shy.

I shall get well only when you do!

I am standing squarely by your side

Sooo...Hurry up​

 

[yeishia]

I slip back into Soll close and firmly lock the doors drawing the lacy curtains across the French windows.

It is a dismal dreary day the clouds laden with rain clouds.

I put on a pot of coffee to perk and coax the fire back into life.

Soon I am curled up tightly on the sofa a warm blanket wrapped around me a mug of the rich fragrant brew clasped in my cold hands.

My thoughts turn inwards...​

There is a solitude of space.

Emily Dickinson

There is a solitude of space
A solitude of sea
A solitude of death, but these
Society shall be
Compared with that profounder site
That polar privacy
A soul admitted to itself;
Finite infinity.


​

 

[Last_Rider]

I can tell the doors are locked, so I knock. I know the real world has been intrusive for me lately, and the one I love has been neglected. I desperately want to make it up to her, and so I wait at the doors for her.

 

[ShyMystica]

 

[yeishia]

I raise my head and simply stare into the flames as the music changes, funny I do not remember switching on my i-pod...

It knows it seems, my need.



Comfortably Numb
Pink Floyd

Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?
Come on, now,
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain
And get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain you would not understand
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

(solo)

I have become comfortably numb.

O. K.
Just a little pin prick.
There'll be no more AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
But you may feel a little sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe its working. Good.
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on it's time to go.

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

​

 

[yeishia]

My dark angel has cosseted me through my grief from a place far beyond the realm of lit...I am so blessed.

My door is never truly locked to Him. The key to my heart is his key to my whole world.

This is dedicated to my Dark Angel.




Sometimes When We Touch
Dan Hill

You ask me if I you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while commands you
And I've watched pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

I truly love you my darkest of angels.




​

 

[Last_Rider]

I slip in, my arms slipping around her body, holding her against me.

I am always here for you and with you my love

 

[yeishia]

I nestle closer in his arms knowing his words are true, my arms slip around him and I am complete. I only wish I could remain this way forever. "I love you," I whisper, my lips gently finding his...

 

[yeishia]

Snuggled up beside my love I am looking at the lovely card which had just arrived. I smile lovingly up into his eyes, I have much to be thankful for this Canadian Thanksgiving.

A shadow briefly crosses my face as I think of my son, it breaks my heart that he is not with me on this day.

Instinctively I press closer to my Rider taking comfort from his warmth and the strength of the loving arms in which I am cradled.

I debate popping the card in a lounge thread as I have done on past years but finally decide against it.

The card will remain on my mantle.

I shall simply send out loving wishes to my fellow Canadian board members who celebrate Thanksgiving with me on this blessed day.

I had my Turkey yesterday and plan on spending the rest of my day with My Dark Angel in our own private world.

Getting up I place the card on the mantle returning swiftly into his waiting arms.

My soft lips are on his as we both fade away back into our real world...​

 

[Annisthyrienne]

Happy Thanksgiving, Yeishia

 

[yeishia]

Thank you so much my friend *hugs you closely* I adore the card it is perfect!

 

[ShyMystica]

*Creeps in slowly, her eyes covered by her hands in case any naughty going-ons were taking place. Peaking through her fingers she finds it safe then smiles with a small laugh at herself. She wasn't completely blind to how hypocritical and silly her shyness was.

Untying the canvas wrapped in indigo dyed silk from her side, she sets it aside on a chair for the owner to find. Then creeps back out, careful not to wake any sleeping souls...*

 

[yeishia]

I return to Soll from the real world seeking coffee my eyes still hazy from sleep. The very first thing I see is the wondrous painting Shy has left for me. My eyes widened and then filled with tears which shimmered on my long lashes as I stood in awe.

She had captured her essence perfectly, I had no idea she was so talented.

Reaching out I trailed a single finger along her cheek bone and down along the gentle curve of the expose shoulder feeling small goosebumps rise up on my own flesh in response.

I pulled my finger away as if burned!

She was beautiful, I was ... "Ohhh."

Seeing oneself through another persons eyes was indeed a revelation, I so wished...Ah well.

Ignore such thoughts, live in the moment Yeishia, I firmly admonished my inner self.

I would hang this portrait in my bedroom, my dark angel would adore it I was sure.

I brushed my tears of happiness away wishing I could hug my friend wishing I could heal her pain.

As I set the coffee on to perk I giggled at her shyness Rider and I never play in Soll we both preferred the privacy of Our Bedroom or The Dreamscape.

She might find us snuggled in one anthers arm, she might find us sharing a passionate kiss, she would always find a welcome.

We both has so much love to share with our trusted friends....

 

[yeishia]

I had arrived in Soll really early this morning to bake my love a birthday cake of sorts. I couldn’t help but giggle as I worked at the strange shape I was fashioning, I so hoped it would bake properly. Blushing, I thought of what it was intended for.

My thoughts invariably went to his previous birthday when I had been my beloved’s cake. At that time I was unable to eat cake and so it had worked out perfectly. This year would be different I definitely intended to sample my handiwork...well after a fashion. I started to giggle again as I pulled the finished creation from the oven it certainly looked right.

As it cooled I filled a small cooler with fresh clotted cream, whipped cream, chocolate sauce and a variety of luscious fruits; strawberries cherries and on impulse added a package of sprinkles.

All was ready the cake could not be decorated until it was in the specific location I had chosen.

Our Bedroom…

I left him a small card propped up against a crystal vase in which stood a single red rose.
Inside it was written;

My beloved please join me in our Bedroom as soon as you are able.
I shall expect you naked wearing nothing but a smile and your collar birthday boy.
Your loving Angel,

A whispered "Que Sera Sera" and I was gone leaving behind me a multitude of soft rose petals and the comforting aroma of birthday cake.

 

[Last_Rider]

I enter Sol, instantly the smell of baking wafts over me. I break into a grin, seeing my card. My Angel knows me so well, how I love her. Our bedroom, yes that will be perfect.

"Que Sera Sera."

 

[ShyMystica]

*She wanders through, keeping to herself. Leaving two gifts, she leaves without disturbing them. She simply wanted them to know they were in her thoughts. *

 

[Veroe]

some gifts for Yeishia

 

[Veroe]

 

[Veroe]

 

[yeishia]

Thank you so much Veroe they are perfect, they brought a smile to my face when I needed one I am beginning to think that you are psychic.

 

[Veroe]

Thank you so much Veroe they are perfect, they brought a smile to my face when I needed one I am beginning to think that you are psychic.

I knew you were gonna say that

Glad I could bring a smile to your day, Yeishia, When I found them I instantly thought of you.

 

[yeishia]

I returned to Soiloquiuml from my real world and was immediately was drawn to our unused costumes still nestled in their huge flat box. Rider and I had been unable to co-ordinate our real life schedules so that we could attend Britwitch’s wonderful party together. I had wrestled with the thought of going alone but my innate shyness prevented me and in the end the real world had intervened.

I had missed Halloween my most favorite time of year in both worlds.

I smiled blushing slightly as I lifted out the soft white and to my eyes almost scandalous slip of a dress that my dark angel had chosen for me blushing even more as my fingers trailed across the silver loin cloth he would have worn in lieu of clothing.

We had chosen to dress as a personification of our inner-selves. Two angels sharing one set of wings. One needing the other to truly sour beyond the heavens, each never truly whole unless they were together.”Symbiotic,” the single word fell softly from my lips my eyes misting as my thoughts turned towards my better half.

Carefully folding the delicate fabrics I set them aside before my slender fingers traced the soft luxurious feathers. My wing was made of the purest white flecked with touches of grey and a sprinkling of devilish black. His of course was fashioned out of the blackest feathers imaginable, flecked also with grey and the occasional splash of the purest white.

Arms around one another we became one entity.

Sighing softly I placed the garments back wrapped them lovingly in their bed of tissue before closing the box and carrying it to a place of safety.

Perhaps next year perhaps a variation enacted in in 'Dreamscape'…


My thoughts turned to the child.


I sat on the comfy couch my legs curled up under me deep in thought.

Why a child? To what purpose? To what end?

Only 8 years old on her second round of chemo in a period of 3 short years…a plan… difficult to discern what plan. I shook my head children handled things so differently to we adults. She endured with little complaint reassuring her mother when it should have been the other way around.

Children…strength …faith. I stopped short at that thought.

If I died tomorrow I would have had had my life. I had loved, been loved, born a child, but Emily?

Adults supposedly go through 4 stages when they receive bad news especially that of illness ; denial, anger, depression, and finally acceptance if they even make it that far. Children seem to skip all of those steps and go straight to acceptance, a blessing of sorts I supposed for it was the parent who ended up trudging that volatile and disturbing journey fin their stead.

I had been summoned by an estranged friend to the hospital room to help once more. I had been afraid. Recently I had tried to help another and ended up instead somehow failing her. I had been unprepared for the depth of her despair, and the end succeeded only in allowing a small crack in my own psyche to appear, through which depression and self doubt had tried to squeeze their way into my fragile heart. I had felt an unaccustomed anger bubble to the surface, such unaccustomed emotion had scared me half to death for it was not in my nature to react so as a rule.

I has no need to fear, this young sick child (Emily) had a certainty about her which seemed almost to be born of some secret inner knowledge, it had been she who had helped me put my own trails past and present into simple perspective.



I had come home determined to do what I had to do.

I was in control of my life yet on occasion recently I had allowed the tendrils of fear and uncertainty to control my actions and responses that had to stop!

I stood up and strolled to the mirror my eyes critically appraising my slight form. I had lost almost 17llbs this past month, weight that could with diligence be easily regained.

I started back into my own guileless eyes, Rider was correct I knew what was within my own heart and what mattered most was that he believed in me.

In the greeter scheme of things it truly mattered not what others assumed. If they did not take time to seek the truth but instead governed their actions on the hearsay of others they simply were not worthy of my precious time.

I could in good conscience forgive them and let go of the hurt. I simply didn't have the time to let such absurdity distract me. They could play their silly games, I had my life to live my own health to attend to.

I had a dark angel I had been neglecting...

My eyes strayed to the sticker Veroe had placed on my mirror. As I read the heartfelt words I began to smile.

I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and silently thanked Emily once more.

I was strong, I was loved and I was very much alive …

I would prevail.

In this moment I felt terribly blessed.

I felt free...

Spinning away from the mirror I twirled around the small room my arms out spread my hair flying around me in wild and glorious abandon my gentle laughter dancing right beside me...

 

[Last_Rider]

I can feel her, her emotions, her spirit, every bit of her. I do not enter right away, instead I wait, just feeling her from a distance until I know she is ready. The sound of her laughter is a physical thing, caressing me, bringing a smile to my own lips as I enter and see her twirling.

Unable to resist I snatch my Angel up and twirl her about, pressing a kiss to her lips.

Without her I would be lost. How I love this woman.

 

[yeishia]

I can feel her, her emotions, her spirit, every bit of her. I do not enter right away, instead I wait, just feeling her from a distance until I know she is ready. The sound of her laughter is a physical thing, caressing me, bringing a smile to my own lips as I enter and see her twirling.

Unable to resist I snatch my Angel up and twirl her about, pressing a kiss to her lips.

Without her I would be lost. How I love this woman.

I seem to almost fly into his arms I feel light... I feel complete.

This is where I belong!

He is a place of sanctuary and more ...much more.

"Welcome home my love I have missed you so," smiling I press my lips to his.

As our bodies press closer my heart beat stops for a single instance only to begin again ...this time it is an exact mirror of his strong one.