some random poem of mine

[eagleyez]

and i apologize for my somewhat flippant and dismissive comments.

Senna, i am one who hears tone, sees shades. And i thought your evaluation hurtful. And i am probably mistaken.

Your motivations are unto yourself. You seem like a scholarly man. Sometimes the heart is wiser than the mind.

I know I find more clarity from my chest than from my head.

Accept my handshake and my respect.

and we move on...

 

[zell19861986]

quick question

should i post the majority of my poems on this board or just leave them on the paper?

 

[eagleyez]

Re: quick question

should i post the majority of my poems on this board or just leave them on the paper?

oh

post away

why the hell not

 

[zell19861986]

Re: Re: quick question

oh

post away

why the hell not

lol. okay

 

[zell19861986]

Most of my poems

Untitled

They never take me seriously
They never believe me

I cry on the inside
I have to bottle it up

I'm never happy
I'm never myself

I hardly talk
I hate my voice

My eyes look out blank
My eyes see with out seeing

I huddle into myself
I shut everything out

I'm always alone
I never let any one near

Time

Time flows by
Never ceasing
Never caring

Time slips through fingers
Never letting anyone savor the moment
Never letting any one stay one

Time erodes life away
Never letting love enter
Never letting care enter

Time flows on ever more
Never to be seen again

 

[zell19861986]

and some more

They

They're out to get me
They're out to end me
They're all around me
They never leave me alone
They look with my eyes
They think with my mind
They never stay quiet for long
They say I will die in time
They say that I am already dead

Untitled

The lifeless quality of myself
The emotional deadness that is me
The unloving plains of life
The unending against me by me
The unnerving quality of detachment
The never ending blackness

The body

The silent screams echo in the night
Pain and anguish flood out

The silent echo screams in the night
The memory of what happened

The body lies on the ground
Never moving, never breathing

The body loses everything
The body gains nothing

The body is cloaked in night
The night covers nothing

The body was beautiful
The body is beautiful

I was the body
I will never be again

 

[zell19861986]

and even more

In the Night

The bark echo's in the night
The echo bark's in the night

Some one is in the house
Some one wants bblood spilt

The moon is a silent watcher
A silent watcher who never tells

The struggle rings out in the night
The ring struggles out in the night

The silence screams in the night
The scream is silent in the night

Untitled

My thoughts are all jumbled
I can't think straight
My cry's are useless
No one can help
I feel alone
I feel lonely
I wish some one would help me
There's no one around me
I'm helpless
I'm hopeless
I'm dead

Untitled

He hears laughter from years gone by
He hears joy and laughter
He feels the wind of that fatefull day
He tries to warn them, to tell them to watch out
They don't listen
He continues to try, but finally gives up hope
Before they dissapear from his life again, he weeps
He bares his soul, holding nothing back
By the time he's done, they're gone
He wakes with tears still wet in his eyes
Another night full of hell
Another night of the one's he loved
Never to return

untitled

The man looks in the mirror
His is the face of some one who's seen to much
His are they eyes haunted with the visions of war
His is the hearing of ghost men yelling
His is the mentality of death



I hope that you liked those poem's. those are the ones that i could find. they're probably more but can't find them. lol. if any of them offend please tell me so that i can take it down. thank you

 

[BooMerengue]

Zell! You are just amazing! And I'm gonna find a way to spank you next time you say you are not!

 

[zell19861986]

Zell! You are just amazing! And I'm gonna find a way to spank you next time you say you are not!

but i'm not amazing. i suck

 

[Senna Jawa]

but i'm not amazing. i suck

True. But if you care about writing, why don't you do something about it. For starters, write ten poems in a row with no abstract word, let them be purely sensual. This means that you are not supposed to use any pronoun, no opinion etc. Your poems can have only what senses can sense. Thus "ugly table" is out of question. "A table with gray legs and plastic yellow top" is ok. "John lay under a small table" is so-so; "John lay under a table, limbs sticking out" is much better. See what you'll get. Try it, it may feel good, like a massage.

 

[Rybka]

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by zell19861986
but i'm not amazing. i suck
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

True. But if you care about writing, why don't you do something about it. For starters, write ten poems in a row with no abstract word, let them be purely sensual. This means that you are not supposed to use any pronoun, no opinion etc. Your poems can have only what senses can sense. Thus "ugly table" is out of question. "A table with gray legs and plastic yellow top" is ok. "John lay under a small table" is so-so; "John lay under a table, limbs sticking out" is much better. See what you'll get. Try it, it may feel good, like a massage.

Zell, eliminate Senna's quote and the first word of his response. Then go try what he says.

Regards, -JAW-

 

[Guest]

That's great advice, SJ. I'll try it myself.

I tried to PM that to you. Your box has reached saturation.

 

[Senna Jawa]

correspondence (dance? )

That's great advice, SJ. I'll try it myself.

Such exercise will make you alert to the sensual sensations out there, and once one will get the taste for colors, sounds, texture, movement, rhythm, smells... in their concrete terms, expressed 100% specifically, one will feel repulsed by all the opinions, abstractions and such glueeee stuff, all those boring gentle souls and sorrows, which are all the same from one text to another, while in the world of Nature we have variety hence originality. As long as you write what you truly see and hear and feel and smell you are just bound, just forced to be original, not trite. I have mentioned above the size of a table (furniture). But it should be mentioned in a poem only for a reason. Thus that size is not an abstract, absolute notion (like small, large, medium) but relevant to the context. Perhaps you are moving that table from your room to the moving van. Than that table may give you hard time when crossing the door. You don't need to say something unpoetic like "large table". You either have a hard time grabing the opposite edges of the table with your hands or not. And the same goes for its weight. Again it is relative to the situation. Your hands may hurt, fingers may get white, or perhaps you may feel a sudden pain in your lower back. And let the reader make the connection with the weight, don't provide any logic, any reasoning, any explanation--it's not poetic, such logical comments should happen in the reader's mind only, not in the text. BTW, the same goes for prose. (Sure, sure, everything has its limitations and exceptions, there is yin and yang, etc But first one should get alert to and sensitive about the main, fundamental art's mechanisms)

I tried to PM that to you. Your box has reached saturation.

It is too awkward to manage that small, size 50 total, mail box (I don't feel like removing the old messages). Just use my regular email:

                                senna's email (click here)

Regards,

 

[BooMerengue]

For all the help and support I really have to thank this generous bunch!! (except for Zell- he's always there!}

 

[Senna Jawa]

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by zell19861986
but i'm not amazing. i suck
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zell, eliminate Senna's quote and the first word of his response. Then go try what he says.

Regards, -JAW-

Not much will happen when you eleminate motivation. You need both wings to fly (there is after all a reason why several regulars here, so satisfied with themselves and with each other, didn't improve).

On another poetic board (not on Literotica) there is already a poem which (casually) mentions catching that monster jerk, Saddam. The poem has a line like "I think about his face". It was a good poem but this line was still too general, it applies to too many situations, does not relate to the given one uniquely (indeed, one may think about her/his grandma face). Thus I have suggested "I think about his shaved, gray beard", which is both more specific and much more dramatic, it relates to what has happened in this concrete case (Saddam had no choice in the matter).

In art and poetry you need to be alergic to generality, thirsty for every specific point, angle, anything relevant.

Here is another exercise, but you need poems which are already pretty good. Check their words with a thesaurus. Can you replace some of them with words which have higher IQ, meaning words which describe the object or situation in a more narrow way? (No, don't use superficial, unnatural, "sophisticated", rarely used words just to impress your readers and yourself, prefer simplicity).

Regards,

 

[BooMerengue]

if you don't mind hard core perhaps some one here could tell me if this could be made into a poem or just left alone. It was originally written as a stream of consciousness piece but neither the story editors nor the poetry editors would accept that form...so I butchered it by punctuating and paragraphing... and it ended up in stories... My skin is not thin... fire away! but it IS XXX or as close as I get...

Incoherent

Is there another thread that would be more appropriate for this? I can never find them if there are...

Jeez!! The response has been overwhelming!! Y'all are GREAT!!

 

[Guest]

Jeez!! The response has been overwhelming!! Y'all are GREAT!!

Sorry. I just clean the place.

 

[BooMerengue]

Looks like you're doin a good job, Tris!! LOL Oooops! Theres a little drop just there! OK- you got it!!

 

[zell19861986]

years fade away
they yours or mine?
all the laughter
all the love
memories surface
good times
sweet times
times never to be forgotten
at the end of all of it
the one you love is there
sitting and waiting
smiling and loving

 

[zell19861986]

Fading

Fading slowely
Never seen
Screaming painfully
Caring not
Weeping softly
Tears draining
Life slipping
Fading away

 

[zell19861986]

The eyes of love
Shine upon me
Radiance ever lasting
Warmth flooding
Happiness endless
The eyes of love
radiate through me

 

[Rybka]

The eyes of love
Shine upon me
Radiance ever lasting
Warmth flooding
Happiness endless
The eyes of love
radiate through me

Zell, this is almost a mirror of your previous poem. Did you do that on purpose? - It is an interesting exercise to take a poem and write the mirror/inverse view.

I like to think of you as happy and positive. Show us more of this side of you.

Regards, Rybka

 

[zell19861986]

Zell, this is almost a mirror of your previous poem. Did you do that on purpose? - It is an interesting exercise to take a poem and write the mirror/inverse view.

I like to think of you as happy and positive. Show us more of this side of you.

Regards, Rybka

k. i'll try and write more happy poems. can't promise it will be soon though. stupid writers block. lol. thanks for the feed back.

 

[zell19861986]

The small Breeze
Sighing on her cheek
Telling her sweet nothings
Giving her life

 

[Rybka]

The small Breeze
Sighing on her cheek
Telling her sweet nothings
Giving her life

I like it, and with a little rearrangement you could even put it into the common 5 - 7 - 5 Haiku syllable style!

"The small breeze sighing
Telling her cheek sweet nothings
Giving life to her."

Put in a word refering to a season and you are even closer (Don't worry, Senna Jawa will hate it. )

"The small spring breeze sighs
Telling her cheek sweet nothings
Giving life to her."

And if you want to be even more sparse with your words you might try:

"A small breeze sighs
Telling her sweet nothings
Giving her life."

Or exchange lines one and three and get:

"Giving life
Telling sweet nothings
A small breeze"

What do you think? See how many different poems you can squeeze out of the same words? I find it fun and a good exercise as well

Happy NEW YEAR !

Regards, Rybka