Striving to find a place here

[morninggirl5]

In the meantime, I offer a perspective that I keep in mind when I am unsure of others' motives:


Never assume the negative until it is proven to be true.
Never assume the negative when the positive is just as likely.
Never assume that other people do not like you.
Always assume that other people like you or don't know you well enough to have formed an opinion.



This may seem like "sticking your head in the sand" and ignoring reality, but it really is a healthy way to view others' intentions until you know what their intentions are. Why upset yourself when you can't possibly know what someone else is thinking until they tell you.

~I have used this little thought-conditioning "trick" to help my partner and it has changed her outlook at work.~

Okay, this is going on my computer monitor, steering wheel, and everywhere else i am prone to over thinking.

 

[cymbidia]

Okay, this is going on my computer monitor, steering wheel, and everywhere else i am prone to over thinking.

Your forehead?

 

[MsWorthy]

~smiles at Morninggirl~

I am happy that I could help.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Everyone was a newbie at some point. I jumped feetfirst into the GB when I first got here. Of course, it was different then--things evolve--and posting 5 times in one day was a lot. Within two weeks a guy named Lasher started a thread that said, "Why doesn't someone tell these newbies to shut the fuck up?" His first post exhorted his newbie-bashing comrades in arms to help him take a stand. I was one of the newbies that he was bitching about because I treat the board like it's a social event, not like it's a newsgroup.

There comes a time when you either decide you want to be a part of a community or you don't. Every community has bad things as well as good. There are circles of friends and acquaintances as well as the entire community. There are conventions, mores, and values in every community that you have to learn.

A lot of how to deal with things is through humor and acceptance. Accept that you will step on someone's toes and that someone will cyberslap at you for it. Then deal with it through humor. Someday a new person will step on your toes and you will cyberslap them for it.

Another thing to do is to just not look at post totals. They don't mean anything. They are not indicative of a person's intelligence, compassion, decency, fairness, or strength. All they indicate is that a person has posted a lot. There are literally dozens of threads scattered throughout the forums where you can amass over one thousand posts and use one thousand words to do it. Most regulars don't put any weight on post totals because they no longer mean anything. There is a thread where you can go and place an order for food as if you were at a diner. We don't care about how many posts you have. The only thing we care about is how you stimulate us with your words.

There will be fear and trepidation about entering a new group of people, it's the human thing to do. We don't want to offend and we want them to like us. Sometimes it's easy to build the people in the group up into something a little larger than life. Particularly in a forum where words are saved and open for viewing for years. This isn't so. Everyone here is just as human as everyone else. Regular and newbie.

Most newbies are welcomed because they check out the boards first, find out how things work a little before posting. And then they try to join in. Others, well, they're the ones that give newbies a hard time of it. There are those who honestly believe this is just a porn board. It's not and if you spend any time reading it, you'll see that. Some people don't read, they just jump in and post what they think others will find sexy only to be greeted with sarcasm and heckling. This can scare new people off, I think. But it also shows a lack of respect for the people on the board as well.

Personally, I tend to be hesitant with newbies. For some reason--I've discovered--a lot of them are afraid of me or intimidated by me. I don't know why they would be, but I've been told be a lot of people that they are. So generally, if the new person seems to be a little reserved, I kind of back off. It's not that I don't like them, it's that I think they don't like me.

I lost my train of thought. Did I have a point? Did I manage to make it? Drat. I need caffiene.

 

[Desdemona]

For some reason--I've discovered--a lot of them are afraid of me or intimidated by me. I don't know why they would be, but I've been told be a lot of people that they are.

Its the little pink gun. It terrifies me.

 

[SexySusan]

Okay. Here it goes. I'm totally breathing this time ...

I really didn't want to cause so much fuzz. The thing is: I spent some time lurking around here, reading your posts ... and I was in awe of you guys. Cymbidia, RisiaSkye, Blue, WriterDom, SpectreT, CarolineOh, Cellis, Ebonyfire, MzChrista, Shadowsdream, Artful ... all so smart, all so confident, all so experienced ... I really really wanted to make a good first impression. Okay so one can't be friends with everyone. But nobody (not even those scary dommes ) can tell me s/he is totally independent of others' approval. I was probably putting way too much pressure on myself.

I felt totally insecure about whether there were any "unspoken" rules. E.g. can I just pm one of the mods if I want to ask something? Or are they way too busy and drowning in pms already? Is it okay to post in a thread that seems to contain a lot of personal chit-chat?

Now I know that I just have to jump into the water and swim.

Another thing I wanted to say is: in a way, I've learned way more about the people here on this board from the "warm fuzzy" thread than from the "new faces" thread, because to hear someone like Blue or Shadowsdream describe someone says so much more than "Hi I'm XYZ a 48 year old bi fem sub ...". It's so much nicer because it's so much shorter, too. The "new faces" thread is 21 pages, for crying out loud! I did read it all, but after reading it, I could hardly remember my own name. I was thinking about suggesting to make a sticky with some information on the regular people here on this board ... there are so many that just have a look, every now and then ... well I don't know. Whaddaya think? It's really hard when you're looking for some basic information on a specific person. I tried going trough the "new faces" thread. All 21 pages, every time? ... I tried searching all the posts from that person and then find the one in the "new faces" thread. Ever gone through 200 posts? ...

Also, I have to add that this is the first board that ever seemed sincere enough for me to bother to post. I was a virgin, post-wise. My first post here was my first post ever. And I struggle with the language, even if it may not be so obvious. In addition, there are so many specific terms. I would have loved a "dictionary" to look up "troll", "av", "*BUMP*" and a dozen other terms I can't think of right now.

I DO feel very much at home here now. It's getting better by the hour. And I thank you all for your concern.

Susan

P.S. Sandia: I wasn't literally holding my breath. But I felt like dropping a bomb in a crowded room ...

P.P.S. I just realized KillerMuffin said pretty much the same thing in here post. Drats. I have to get a lot faster at the "looking up words in the dictionary" thing ...

... edited to get KM's gender straight. (No pun intended). I'm sorry KillerMuffin. That only happened because both "Killer" and "Muffin" are "der" in German and therefore male. It's something I can't get out of my head.

 

[zipman]

just a thank you to all that have voiced their thoughts and opinions on this thread...

belle

Belle,

If it makes you feel any better - I am a rl/Dom that has been into BDSM for over 10 years and I feel like I don't quite fit in here either.

My desires arose before I even knew or began to understand what BDSM really is. They were often met with varying degrees of acceptance by the women in my life. The one thing I am sure of is anyone who would make you feel badly or say you are not worthy of their time is the worst kind of loser. A true Dom (or sub for that matter) would teach, encourage you to have the strength to explore your desires - but would never judge you.

I have run into this type myself the first time I went to a club, and he tried to make me feel as if I was a bad Dom because I wasn't ready to share my attractive sub with him.

Take heart and enjoy the journey - it can be whatever you want it to be - and whatever you decide is the right decision for you!

I hope to see you up here again.

 

[zipman]

Everyone was a newbie at some point. I jumped feetfirst into the GB when I first got here. Of course, it was different then--things evolve--and posting 5 times in one day was a lot. Within two weeks a guy named Lasher started a thread that said, "Why doesn't someone tell these newbies to shut the fuck up?" His first post exhorted his newbie-bashing comrades in arms to help him take a stand. I was one of the newbies that he was bitching about because I treat the board like it's a social event, not like it's a newsgroup.

There comes a time when you either decide you want to be a part of a community or you don't. Every community has bad things as well as good. There are circles of friends and acquaintances as well as the entire community. There are conventions, mores, and values in every community that you have to learn.

A lot of how to deal with things is through humor and acceptance. Accept that you will step on someone's toes and that someone will cyberslap at you for it. Then deal with it through humor. Someday a new person will step on your toes and you will cyberslap them for it.

Another thing to do is to just not look at post totals. They don't mean anything. They are not indicative of a person's intelligence, compassion, decency, fairness, or strength. All they indicate is that a person has posted a lot. There are literally dozens of threads scattered throughout the forums where you can amass over one thousand posts and use one thousand words to do it. Most regulars don't put any weight on post totals because they no longer mean anything. There is a thread where you can go and place an order for food as if you were at a diner. We don't care about how many posts you have. The only thing we care about is how you stimulate us with your words.

There will be fear and trepidation about entering a new group of people, it's the human thing to do. We don't want to offend and we want them to like us. Sometimes it's easy to build the people in the group up into something a little larger than life. Particularly in a forum where words are saved and open for viewing for years. This isn't so. Everyone here is just as human as everyone else. Regular and newbie.

Most newbies are welcomed because they check out the boards first, find out how things work a little before posting. And then they try to join in. Others, well, they're the ones that give newbies a hard time of it. There are those who honestly believe this is just a porn board. It's not and if you spend any time reading it, you'll see that. Some people don't read, they just jump in and post what they think others will find sexy only to be greeted with sarcasm and heckling. This can scare new people off, I think. But it also shows a lack of respect for the people on the board as well.

Personally, I tend to be hesitant with newbies. For some reason--I've discovered--a lot of them are afraid of me or intimidated by me. I don't know why they would be, but I've been told be a lot of people that they are. So generally, if the new person seems to be a little reserved, I kind of back off. It's not that I don't like them, it's that I think they don't like me.

I lost my train of thought. Did I have a point? Did I manage to make it? Drat. I need caffiene.

What great advice! By the way, you don't have to hesitant with me I'm a fast learner.

 

[zipman]

Thanks for sharing that,...we tend to forget about NEWBIES unless they post. I like to respond to newbies,...they are my favorites. Not because I am more knowledgeable, more experienced, or more ANYTHING.

Because they are REFRESHING,...they allow me to touch bases with my thought processes. They cause me to look at my perspectives with "How do I feel about this NOW ? How have my opinions changed ?
Have I gained insight ? What are they REALLY asking ?"

Yes,...I love newbies,...yes,...I want to see them post, give opinions, ask questions, learn from them and about them. So Susan, please come on in,...the water is fine,...it just changes temperatures often.

Just remember that their are two kinds of newbies - to BDSM and to webchat. I'm the latter, I still feel like a newbie and probably still overly cautious of the whole ettiquette thing.

 

[Skally]

I'm fairly new, and I admit that I keep my cards too close to my chest - something that I'm planning to change.

I've found the whole experience here overwhelming. Not in a sense of the feeling that my opinion doesn't count because it does, but because I've got an awful lot to learn and the information seems a lot to take in sometimes and I sometrimes want to run before I can walk.

To me, it's not about post counts or being part of the "in crowd" (if there is such a thing here) or whatever, it's about the words you type and the bonds that are formed.

Anyway, welcome to all

 

[Sandia]

Hi KM!

I was terrified of you when I first came here. So terrified, in fact, I made a point of disagreeing with you in my very first post.

To continue in that tradition, (although I'm not sure I'm disagreeing with you here) I don't think one has to learn to fit in with anyone else in order to post. In fact, I often admire those who don't.

Furthermore, one should always examine post counts carefully. For example, a recent study suggests those with posts counts in the twelve hundreds are much smarter than most:

Sandia
bad guy

Registered: May 2002
Location: North of South................. but still somewhere South of North.
Posts: 1254

See what I mean?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Yep

You only scared of me cause you think having your dick tied off until it turns purple and then getting it swatted with a crop will hurt. But after a couple dozen whacks it will feel good, I promise.

And the next thing you know you will be asking for it, no begging for it! That's how it starts......(thank God!)

Ebony

 

[cymbidia]

Okay. Here it goes. I'm totally breathing this time ...

Good. Not too many of us do (admit to doing it, anyway) much in the way of breath play.

I felt totally insecure about whether there were any "unspoken" rules. E.g. can I just pm one of the mods if I want to ask something?

Yes! That's the kinda thing we're here for!

Or are they way too busy and drowning in pms already?

No. Well, maybe. But it doesn't matter: that's part of the job and big piece of the joy of this place, helping the new faces settle in.

I'd add this, too: you can PM anyone here and whomever you PM will help you with whatever you need to know. Categorically, all of us and/or any of us will be glad to help you. PM at will.

Is it okay to post in a thread that seems to contain a lot of personal chit-chat?

Sure is. If it contains a lot of personal chit-chat it's either gotten off-course and/or started that way. In either case, your other-then-personal-chit-chat post will either be ignored or answered. It's when you don't post that it's certain you'll not get an answer, you know? Jump on in and just start posting. It's the only way past that horrible awkward stage and the only way to ease on into becoming a part of the fabric of this forum.

Now I know that I just have to jump into the water and swim.

Yes. You've got the right of it, for sure.

I was thinking about suggesting to make a sticky with some information on the regular people here on this board ... there are so many that just have a look, every now and then ... well I don't know. Whaddaya think?

Personally, just for me, i think this idea is something we all should kick around awhile. The sticky atop the forum used to be three stickies but the peoples did not like that at all. Then it was one sticky that contained a bunch of links. Still, people thought that was too much. Now it's one with only a few links.

Do i hear a nomination for more links in the sticky again? Anyone?

I'm certainly not taking any unilateral action on this one, darlin'. This is a political hot potato round these parts.

However, the welcome-type threads have indeed become, well, unwieldy monsters, haven't they? Maybe it's time for "Warm Fuzzies, Part II" and/or "New Faces, [what's the German word for "Two"?]? Someone feel like beginning this/these thread(s)? They can link the original threads in thier initial post, perhaps.

I struggle with the language, even if it may not be so obvious.

Oh man! It's not at all obvious! I wish i was as fluent as are you!

In addition, there are so many specific terms. I would have loved a "dictionary" to look up "troll", "av", "*BUMP*" and a dozen other terms I can't think of right now.

Start a thread, Susan. That's always gonna be the answer: if you need info and you don't see it and you think it's available, start a thread and ask for it! If you don't know, then there are 10 others who don't know, either, but are afraid (for some reason - must be monster scaring y'all so badly) to ask.

I DO feel very much at home here now. It's getting better by the hour. And I thank you all for your concern.

Cool.
I think you've got the makings of a really valuable forum member.

P.P.S. I just realized KillerMuffin said pretty much the same thing in his post.

Uh. Well. Muff? She's definitely got all those girly parts, you know? Muff's a she Susan, not a he. (This gender thing is a typical newbie mistake. Excuse me while i snicker. And i'm not snickering AT you, i'm snickering WITH you. Really. Trust me on this. )

 

[ArtifexLignorum]

Kickin around

Personally, just for me, i think this idea is something we all should kick around awhile. The sticky atop the forum used to be three stickies but the peoples did not like that at all. Then it was one sticky that contained a bunch of links. Still, people thought that was too much. Now it's one with only a few links.

Do i hear a nomination for more links in the sticky again? Anyone?

I'm certainly not taking any unilateral action on this one, darlin'. This is a political hot potato round these parts.

The sicky thread seems like a good idea. Yet the linear structure imposed by this bulletein board seems lacking.

Another way to approach this issue is to place a link to an off site repository. This would enable the multiple links back an forth amongst the many delightful characters and issues brought to this banquet of minds. For instance if there were but 5 things to connect, a pentagram structure would be appropriate.

Of course this would require a person owning the task. Keeping it straight, editing, and adding as appropriate. Yet some one may feel this to be a pleasant little challenge.