Sub Drop / Top Drop

[Jeepraven]

Sub drop is a new term to me and I understand it from the link. (thank you Desdemona)
Just out of curiosity, do the characteristics of "sub drop" occur in the non BDSM and D/s community? If so, does it have another name?
Or is "sub drop" just the term used in the BDSM and D/s community for a specific type depression that is common in these relationships?

 

[Desdemona]

WD, I've been thinking about your term "relationship drop". Are you saying that this is inherent in most relationships? Can you say more about this?

 

[Desdemona]

Kayte, thanks so much for responding. I think you make a very good point that this could happen in a LDR after an intense phone scene or, presumably, a webcam scene.

 

[Desdemona]

I wrote an essay on aftercare, and devoted a short section to subdrop. I'll paste that section here, it covers my thoughts and experiences on the matter rather well.

Full article is here if anyone wants to read.

* * *

Aftercare is especially important during a phase some call subdrop. Subdrop refers to the feelings of intense anger, betrayal, loneliness or emotional instability that many subs feel after playing. I go to play parties a few times a year and spend many many hours playing, often pushing limits, with good friends and new friends alike. When I get home, I am usually hit with incredibly strong feelings of loneliness and a huge drop in self confidence. I start wondering if the people I played with enjoyed being with me, if they will want to play again or if they were just humoring me, and even entertaining ideas of quitting the scene altogether. It is always a very confusing and frustrating time, because I have so much fun and discover so much during that weekend and during my scenes, yet am left feeling lonely and angry for days.

Subdrop is one of the negative aspects of scening, and failure to provide the needed aftercare can result in scaring someone away from the scene for good. The feelings and emotions felt during this drop may not be logical, but they are very real and very valid. It takes a tremendous amount of trust to open yourself up as much as is often required in a D/s scene, and after all is said and done the realization of just how much of ourselves we trusted into the hands of another is frightening. The feeling fades after awhile, especially when quality aftercare from friends and your partner is present, but sometimes the feelings are so intense that we end up making decisions or saying things we later regret.

Tops need to be aware of and be able to recognize the signs up subdrop, be available to help the bottom get through those times and rebuild his or her emotional strength, and provide the support necessary to ensure the overall experience remains a positive one. Bottoms need to remember that their tops are only human too, and might experience doubts and periods of 'top' drop as well. Having doubts or insecurities does not make anyone less of a dominant, if handled properly.

serijules, as always your post is well thought out and clear. I learn so much from you. Thanks for sharing the link to your article. Its a great addition to the thread!

 

[Desdemona]

Fungi, thanks for telling us how it is from your perspective. Sometimes we forget how difficult it can be for the dominant as well.

 

[Desdemona]

Jeepraven, please call me des. I never experienced anything like this in my vanilla relationships. I think that's why it was pretty shocking for me when it started happening within my D/s relationship.

 

[WriterDom]

WD, I've been thinking about your term "relationship drop". Are you saying that this is inherent in most relationships? Can you say more about this?

In a LDR where the couple can only meet 3 or 4 times a year, wouldn't a drop be pretty natural? After you have fucked day and night for 2 or three days? I saw someone like that years ago for a while. And her crying would start the morning of the departure. To me, this is putting a bdsm label on something that isn't that unusual. Like saying you are "sub hungry" if you're scene has go on too long without eating. Which may be true if you are hungry for a sub.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Yes on the top drop.

A point comes where i feel almost incandescent during play.

Rather difficult to turn the light off, or down, after that.

i guess the bulb just pops altogether.

 

[Desdemona]

In a LDR where the couple can only meet 3 or 4 times a year, wouldn't a drop be pretty natural? After you have fucked day and night for 2 or three days? I saw someone like that years ago for a while. And her crying would start the morning of the departure. To me, this is putting a bdsm label on something that isn't that unusual. Like saying you are "sub hungry" if you're scene has go on too long without eating. Which may be true if you are hungry for a sub.

Thank you. That helps and I can certainly understand a drop if you only see each other 3 or 4 times a year. It seems more unusual if you see each other weekly or bi-weekly.


sub hungry.... lol.

 

[Desdemona]

Yes on the top drop.

A point comes where i feel almost incandescent during play.

Rather difficult to turn the light off, or down, after that.

i guess the bulb just pops altogether.

Very interesting comments. Thank you for joining the conversation.

BTW, I like those glowing red eyes in your av.

 

[lilredwolph]

i am there as i type this ...

i played rather heavy on Tuesday, which was the first heavy session i have had in a very long time. add on top of that it was the first session i had with this Dom and everything clicked. all things came naturally (things that i would normally withdrawl from just came without second thought). than 24 hours later he had to go out of town for 5 days

sunday it hit me like a ton of bricks, i spoke with him last nite for a minute which helped at the time but today i am back in a sub drop funk

 

[Desdemona]

i am there as i type this ...

i played rather heavy on Tuesday, which was the first heavy session i have had in a very long time. add on top of that it was the first session i had with this Dom and everything clicked. all things came naturally (things that i would normally withdrawl from just came without second thought). than 24 hours later he had to go out of town for 5 days

sunday it hit me like a ton of bricks, i spoke with him last nite for a minute which helped at the time but today i am back in a sub drop funk

Its a bad place to be. I was there for a while yesterday. I hope you find a way to climb out of that funk.

 

[lilredwolph]

Its a bad place to be. I was there for a while yesterday. I hope you find a way to climb out of that funk.

it started to happen Saturday, i could feel myself slowly sliding down but i just didn't think much of it because i knew He would be home sometime on Sunday. normally some contact with my Dom brings me out of it pretty easily but not this time. i feel deeper into it than i have ever felt before. i am not sure why but i just can't get out.

 

[evesdream]

I guess I do feel that sort of "drop" and mysterious feelings after meeting with my honey. I didn't know there was a BDSM name for it, I call it swirliness.

I do know that the more accurately that an encounter approaches my deep desires and pulls, the more intense the swirliness afterward. I can also imagine that folks would feel this as a consequence of any long-distance relationship where there is a lot of uncertainty or vulnerability (not just tops and bottoms).

As for dealing with it, I don't know. The person I who I have sexy dealings with knows how important writing is to me and he sometimes suggests assignments for me- this actually helps to take the edge off, is extraordinarily sexy, and helps me to work out some perspective and stop focusing on the negative, (and possibly keeps me from bringing us both down). I don't know how he deals with his feelings, other than detachment. It's difficult. When it comes to that I take my que from my partner and then decide how much I have to pull back.

 

[Desdemona]

it started to happen Saturday, i could feel myself slowly sliding down but i just didn't think much of it because i knew Daddy would be home sometime on Sunday. normally some contact with my Dom brings me out of it pretty easily but not this time. i feel deeper into it than i have ever felt before. i am not sure why but i just can't get out.

I wish I had an easy answer for you. I'm sure it is very disconcerting to slide down so deep and not have the normal things bring you out. Do you have any other sources of support that could help you through this?

 

[Desdemona]

evesdream, I think swirliness is as good a name for it as any. The writing assignment sounds like a fun way to cope. I'm glad you and your partner have worked out a way to help each other.

 

[dragonlace]

I have experienced it quite a few times in the time we have been together......sometimes i experience it after a wonderful scene and i feel as though i will burst into tears from the loss of His touch and sometimes it happens when i have to leave and when i miss Him so much....i feel as though i am alone and depressed and weak and almost like i can't carry on......but a kind word from Him sets everything right again the aftercare is so very important for me when this happens and He seems to remind me and i feel so loved that that replaces the darkness.

 

[Desdemona]

lace, I know exactly what you mean. Its a good thing that He is careful about aftercare.

 

[lilredwolph]

I wish I had an easy answer for you. I'm sure it is very disconcerting to slide down so deep and not have the normal things bring you out. Do you have any other sources of support that could help you through this?

i have a support system in place and i am not to worried about coming out, i am just feeling odd because i am in a spot that i have never been before

 

[Desdemona]

i have a support system in place and i am not to worried about coming out, i am just feeling odd because i am in a spot that i have never been before

I can understand how that would feel odd. Hopefully, it will be over soon.

 

[FungiUg]

A related aside

I suffer from claustrophobia in crowds. In a large crowd, I will freak out and focus on escape.

What's interesting is that if I spend time with a largish group of friends, after a while, I just need "time out". I refer to this as being "peopled out". I guess the intensity gets to much for me, and I just need to have quiet for a while.

If I don't manage this, this can lead to a very similar experience for me to what's been described here as "sub drop". I end up withdrawn, sullen and really not in any mood to deal with anyone.

It's a really wierd effect. Yes, I am depressive, and this is one of the things that can trigger depression. Thankfully, I don't get depression too badly, but it's certainly enough that I appreciate what other depression sufferers go through.

It does help to know there are other people that deal with the same issues, and face the same problems. I'm not sure why that is -- maybe it's just to know that it's not because I am a failure or inadequate in some way?

 

[Desdemona]

Fungi, I can certainly relate to what you are saying. Yes, it does help to know that others have similar experiences. I think it makes our experiences seem less odd and more *normal*.... whatever that is. I think it also gives some of us a sense of connection to others and that can be comforting; esp if prone to depressive episodes. For me, when I'm depressed or down, I feel isolated. A sense of connection relieves that sense of isolation and helps me cope.

I hope that made sense. I'm just rambling this morning. LOL

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Very interesting comments. Thank you for joining the conversation.

BTW, I like those glowing red eyes in your av.

You're quite welcome.

Thank you as well. As far as the av, a bitch to do, but worth the effort.

And your av, from a work of art special to you?

i guess i'm asking for the title if one exists.

 

[Desdemona]

Thanks for the compliment on the av. Actually, I saw it on a site with free avatars and snagged it for myself. I wish I knew the title and the name of the artist.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Re: A related aside

I suffer from claustrophobia in crowds. In a large crowd, I will freak out and focus on escape.

What's interesting is that if I spend time with a largish group of friends, after a while, I just need "time out". I refer to this as being "peopled out". I guess the intensity gets to much for me, and I just need to have quiet for a while.

If I don't manage this, this can lead to a very similar experience for me to what's been described here as "sub drop". I end up withdrawn, sullen and really not in any mood to deal with anyone.

I can totally relate to this. The exact same thing happens to me. I even CALL it the same thing--"peopled out". I have to get away from the crowd, the people, whatever, be in a quiet space, by myself or with just one other person, no music, or television. Often, I just have to shut down completely and take a nap. I'm fine once I've had the nap, or the quiet time. It's like my brain just has to reset. If I don't get it....I'm veryyy withdrawn, depressed almost, moody, and irritable.

It's a pain in the ass.

~anelize