Teach-in Pantoum

[Angeline]

Rhymish

Appalachian Pantoum

My window open like a mouth
breathing the night the scented air
August full grown, round
peach flare, the thrasher's evening prayer

breathing the night, the scented air
of jewel weed, bluet, Appalachian Gold
peach flare, the thrasher's evening prayer,
Southern mythos resting in the knoll

of jewel weed, bluet, Appalachian Gold
moonshine still and Cherokee,
Southern mythos resting in the knoll,
rising fog speaking to me.

Moonshine still and Cherokee
August full grown, round
rising fog speaking to me,
my window open like a mouth.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Appalachian Pantoum

My window open like a mouth
breathing night the scented air
August full grown, the round
peach flare, the thrasher's evening prayer

breathing night, the scented air
of jewel weed, bluet, Appalachian Gold
peach flare, the thrasher's evening prayer,
Southern mythos resting in the knoll

of jewel weed, bluet, Appalachian Gold
moonshine still and Cherokee,
Southern mythos resting in the knoll,
the rising fog speaking to me.

Moonshine still and Cherokee
August full grown, the round
the rising fog speaking to me,
my window open like a mouth.

Nice near rhymes but I think you lost the meter a bit in the first stanza

 

[Angeline]

Nice near rhymes but I think you lost the meter a bit in the first stanza

I wasn't trying for meter.

I do think the last stanza comes off a bit stumbly, but I was tinkering with it for an hour and wanted to just get it on here. I will probably change it after I have some space from it. I'm having attachment issues with a few of my lines and need to channel my inner Buddhist.

 

[todski28]

*Sophie the enchantress*

Trace a line from jaw to lip
Pale beauty all so fair
Eyes so blue they make me tip
dark ringlets of her hair

pale beauty all so fair
skin like powdered dust
dark ringlets of her hair
sparks in me unchecked lust

skin like powdered dust
can’t resist her ample breast
sparks in me unchecked lust
ripe bud blooming from her chest

cant resist her ample breast
ripples rise from 'tween her thighs
ripe bud blooming from her chest
enchanted by her feminine cries

ripples rise from 'tween her thighs
eyes so blue they make me tip
enchanted by her feminine cries
trace a line from jaw to lip

 

[butters]

really impressed by some of the writing here - todski, you seem to have taken to it like a duck to water. that's a good by the way.

i can not get my head around writing one at the moment, despite all good intentions. getting absolutely nowhere with it and feeling too constricted in expression maybe i'll have another try before sunday. if not, it's still well worth reading what you others have produced!

 

[todski28]

"todski, you seem to have taken to it like a duck to water"
thank you butters.

it is an interesting form, it seems to have clicked well with the way I write, I don't know why? funny thing is I can't seem to write them in four stanzas.....

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Here goes...


~A Little Afraid~

Today's the day this finally stops!
That pungent spice of your swirling hair.
Your firm neck ends and broad shoulder tops.
My fingers scrape the fray of our chair.

That pungent spice of your swirling hair,
I will not pick up the silent phone!
My fingers scrape the fray of our chair,
I can and will sit here all alone.

I will not pick up the silent phone!
It is Wednesday and you are working.
I can and will sit here all alone.
Do you know I'm around here lurking?

It is Wednesday and you are working.
Can you please have something left to say?
Do you know I'm around here lurking?
Do you even listen to The Fray?

Can you please have something left to say?
Your firm neck ends and broad shoulder tops.
Do you even listen to The Fray?
Today's the day this finally stops!

 

[twelveoone]

Appalachian Pantoum



Moonshine still and Cherokee

Cherokee and moonshine still
miss the obvious play word

 

[Angeline]

Cherokee and moonshine still
miss the obvious play word

I turned it around because I wanted to play against the more obvious usage and perhaps in doing so get alternate meanings from both words. I'm not sure it worked. I think this pantoum, overall, is weaker than the first one I wrote in the thread...maybe because I could not decide how much I wanted to rhyme.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Here goes...


~A Little Afraid~

Today's the day this finally stops!
That pungent spice of your swirling hair.
Your firm neck ends and broad shoulder tops.
My fingers scrape the fray of our chair.

That pungent spice of your swirling hair,
I will not pick up the silent phone!
My fingers scrape the fray of our chair,
I can and will sit here all alone.

I will not pick up the silent phone!
It is Wednesday and you are working.
Is there anything new that you own?
Do you know I'm around here lurking?

It is Wednesday and you are working.
Can you please have something left to say?
Do you know I'm around here lurking?
Do you even listen to The Fray?

Can you please have something left to say?
Your firm neck ends and broad shoulder tops.
Do you even listen to The Fray?
Today's the day this finally stops!

I keep going over this until my head swirls, but I think you snuck in a stray line in the third stanza third line

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I keep going over this until my head swirls, but I think you snuck in a stray line in the third stanza third line

Oops! That should be Line 8. Fixed it! Whew.

Um, should I offer some Dramamine with my post?

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

St Francis' Garden

Long shadows of a summer morning
dew-moist, still, before the heat,
surrounding me without a warning
quails are gathering at my feet.

Dew-moist still before the heat
the grass is daisy-dappled here
and quail are gathered at my feet
boldly mingling free from fear

the grass is daisy-dapple here,
all creatures welcome to this place
boldly gathering free from fear
even cats with silent chase

all creatures welcome to this place
surrounding me without a warning,
cats with silent feet that chase
the shadows of a summer morning

 

[todski28]

Misty clouds, grey and bleak
Reflect a pensive mood
In this time try to seek
solace from thoughts that brood

reflect a pensive mood
overcast shadowed mind
solace from thoughts that brood
what is there left to find

overcast shadowed mind
today reflects misery
what is there left to find
silent thoughts none can see

today reflects misery
losing sleep, dreams that burn
silent thoughts none can see
death and sleep none can spurn

losing sleep, dreams that burn
in this time try to seek
death and sleep none can spurn
misty clouds, grey and bleak

 

[Wintermute01]

Oops! That should be Line 8. Fixed it! Whew.

Um, should I offer some Dramamine with my post?

To be fair to Cali, this my fault. I proof-read it prior to submission but didn't spot that.

You don't need Dramamiine, you just need a better reviewer.

 

[todski28]

Appalachian Pantoum

My window open like a mouth
breathing the night the scented air
August full grown, round
peach flare, the thrasher's evening prayer

breathing the night, the scented air
of jewel weed, bluet, Appalachian Gold
peach flare, the thrasher's evening prayer,
Southern mythos resting in the knoll

of jewel weed, bluet, Appalachian Gold
moonshine still and Cherokee,
Southern mythos resting in the knoll,
rising fog speaking to me.

Moonshine still and Cherokee
August full grown, round
rising fog speaking to me,
my window open like a mouth.

I really like this it's beautiful, had to look up Appalachian, obviousl;y a location thing, like if I had put in flinders range.

"peach flare, the thrasher's evening prayer,"

this line still confuses me though?

 

[todski28]

Long shadows of a summer morning
dew-moist, still, before the heat,
surrounding me without a warning
quails are gathering at my feet.

Dew-moist still before the heat
the grass is daisy-dappled here
and quail are gathered at my feet
boldly mingling free from fear

the grass is daisy-dapple here,
all creatures welcome to this place
boldly gathering free from fear
even cats with silent chase

all creatures welcome to this place
surrounding me without a warning,
cats with silent feet that chase
the shadows of a summer morning

I love this one as well, I think the repetition, revebrates and makes these pantoums really intriguing. this wraps around so nicely on itself.

 

[todski28]

Here goes...


~A Little Afraid~

Today's the day this finally stops!
That pungent spice of your swirling hair.
Your firm neck ends and broad shoulder tops.
My fingers scrape the fray of our chair.

That pungent spice of your swirling hair,
I will not pick up the silent phone!
My fingers scrape the fray of our chair,
I can and will sit here all alone.

I will not pick up the silent phone!
It is Wednesday and you are working.
I can and will sit here all alone.
Do you know I'm around here lurking?

It is Wednesday and you are working.
Can you please have something left to say?
Do you know I'm around here lurking?
Do you even listen to The Fray?

Can you please have something left to say?
Your firm neck ends and broad shoulder tops.
Do you even listen to The Fray?
Today's the day this finally stops!

it's like you are reliving the same day, over and over again in this piece. so many questions left unanswered, it really is interesting.

 

[twelveoone]

it's like you are reliving the same day, over and over again in this piece. so many questions left unanswered, it really is interesting.

http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/5786
as in from regarding form
An incantation is created by a pantoum's interlocking pattern of rhyme and repetition; as lines reverberate between stanzas, they fill the poem with echoes. This intense repetition also slows the poem down, halting its advancement. As Mark Strand and Eavan Boland explained in The Making of a Poem, "the reader takes four steps forward, then two back," making the pantoum a "perfect form for the evocation of a past time. - See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/5786#sthash.p2TaMPCJ.dpuf

 

[todski28]

http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/5786
as in from regarding form
An incantation is created by a pantoum's interlocking pattern of rhyme and repetition; as lines reverberate between stanzas, they fill the poem with echoes. This intense repetition also slows the poem down, halting its advancement. As Mark Strand and Eavan Boland explained in The Making of a Poem, "the reader takes four steps forward, then two back," making the pantoum a "perfect form for the evocation of a past time. - See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/5786#sthash.p2TaMPCJ.dpuf

Thank you for putting me out of my bumbling misery, if I had half a brain I'd have looked it up myself. Still to much do, do, do!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Just wait until we get to the Roundelay (Dryden's) !! says she grinning evilly

 

[HarryHill]

Just wait until we get to the Roundelay (Dryden's) !! says she grinning evilly

*Groans*

 

[Angeline]

I really like this it's beautiful, had to look up Appalachian, obviousl;y a location thing, like if I had put in flinders range.

"peach flare, the thrasher's evening prayer,"

this line still confuses me though?

Thanks Tod. I'm still thinking about this poem, putting it on the back burner for a while so to speak.

I considered whether I should have created footnotes when I wrote this, but I hate doing that lol. And maybe the fact that I felt a need says something about why the poem has some problems. Anyway, the poem is about where I live so there are a lot of local references. The peach flare I was hoping would convey sunset, but also local peaches are in season here now so I was also thinking of that. The Thrasher is a common songbird here. Maybe if I'd capitalized, it would have been clearer but I'm always trying to find ways to get more than one meaning from a word so I left it lowercase. The other names (bluet, etc.) are local fragrant blooms.

I think there are ways to make that poem better, but I haven't figured them out yet. But I will, eventually, or I will rip off some of the lines for another poem!

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

it's like you are reliving the same day, over and over again in this piece. so many questions left unanswered, it really is interesting.

Thank you. This poem style seemed perfect to play with the looping obsessive thinking humans have with unrequited infatuations... It was tough to try to make it neurotic and yet coherent enough to carry through. I'm baffled about punctuation in poetry in general, so it was cool to try play with questions in this one.

~

I am enjoyin' the learnin'! Thank you to the hosts!

~

Winter, no worries! The point here is to learn, and I did. So, thank you.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Just wait until we get to the Roundelay (Dryden's) !! says she grinning evilly

*facepalm*

Now I see why I am hooked over here. You really seem to enjoy finding the places to sadist kind of stuff, don't cha?

Thank you.

 

[Remec]

First attempt---still seriously rough

You asked

Once upon a time, when we were not so old,
I told you what I thought I should,
about how much I wanted you, without
a thought of who might get hurt.

I told you what I thought I should
when you asked. Did you even have
a thought of who might get hurt
by what we were about to let happen?

When you asked, did you even have
a clue how much we would be defined
by what we were about to let happen?
Grasping so little what it really meant,

No clue how much we would be defined,
about how much I wanted you, without
grasping so little what it really meant.
once upon a time, when we were not so old.