Teach-in Pantoum

[UnderYourSpell]

First attempt---still seriously rough

You asked

Once upon a time, when we were not so old,
I told you what I thought I should,
about how much I wanted you, without
a thought of who might get hurt.

I told you what I thought I should
when you asked. Did you even have
a thought of who might get hurt
by what we were about to let happen?

When you asked, did you even have
a clue how much we would be defined
by what we were about to let happen?
Grasping so little what it really meant,

No clue how much we would be defined,
about how much I wanted you, without
grasping so little what it really meant.
once upon a time, when we were not so old.

I'd say it wasn't rough at all but perfect

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Long shadows of a summer morning
dew-moist, still, before the heat,
surrounding me without a warning
quails are gathering at my feet.

Dew-moist still before the heat
the grass is daisy-dappled here
and quail are gathered at my feet
boldly mingling free from fear

the grass is daisy-dapple here,
all creatures welcome to this place
boldly gathering free from fear
even cats with silent chase

all creatures welcome to this place
surrounding me without a warning,
cats with silent feet that chase
the shadows of a summer morning

more perfection from Tess

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Thanks Tod. I'm still thinking about this poem, putting it on the back burner for a while so to speak.

I considered whether I should have created footnotes when I wrote this, but I hate doing that lol. And maybe the fact that I felt a need says something about why the poem has some problems. Anyway, the poem is about where I live so there are a lot of local references. The peach flare I was hoping would convey sunset, but also local peaches are in season here now so I was also thinking of that. The Thrasher is a common songbird here. Maybe if I'd capitalized, it would have been clearer but I'm always trying to find ways to get more than one meaning from a word so I left it lowercase. The other names (bluet, etc.) are local fragrant blooms.

I think there are ways to make that poem better, but I haven't figured them out yet. But I will, eventually, or I will rip off some of the lines for another poem!

I got the 'peach flare' so all is not lost!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

*Groans*

*facepalm*

Now I see why I am hooked over here. You really seem to enjoy finding the places to sadist kind of stuff, don't cha?

Thank you.

Lol I'm a Switch with very sadistic overtones

 

[Neonurotic]

First attempt ever at writing a form.


Arachnid Nights

Spider light has them creeping,
inching closer, cross the floor
dimness drawing verse the light,
opposite the crawlies and the flyers.

Inching closer, cross the floor,
silent, they come on tip toe,
dimness drawing verse the light,
I watch them from my chair.

Silent they come on tip toe
their intentions clear: hide, wait, feed,
I watch them from my chair
though fearing me, they scurry.

Their intentions clear: hide, wait, feed,
inching closer, cross the floor,
though fearing me, they scurry,
spider light has them creeping.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

First attempt ever at writing a form.


Arachnid Nights

Spider light has them creeping,
inching closer, cross the floor
dimness drawing verse the light,
opposite the crawlies and the flyers.

Inching closer, cross the floor,
silent, they come on tip toe,
dimness drawing verse the light,
I watch them from my chair.

Silent they come on tip toe
their intentions clear: hide, wait, feed,
I watch them from my chair
though fearing me, they scurry.

Their intentions clear: hide, wait, feed,
inching closer, cross the floor,
though fearing me, they scurry,
spider light has them creeping.

You're a natural although your subject matter gives me the heeby jeebies!

 

[champagne1982]

Istanbul At 5:30 a.m.

Morning makes us believers here
with the dawn comes the call to prayer
broadcast through the blue so clear
the light wears a blessing of sensual layers

with the dawn comes the call to prayer
and the caress of sound flows away to the south
the light wears a blessing of sensual layers
you can taste on your heart when you open your mouth

the caress of sound flows away to the south
you add your love psalms praising life's beauty
straight from your heart when you open your mouth
to whisper your graceful response to duty

you write love psalms praising life's beauty
murmured through the blue so clear
you whisper your graceful response to duty
morning makes us believers here

 

[champagne1982]

Today your link is working so hey ho go figure!
I wanted to ask you about that Pantoum and not sure whether I should do it here or there! Methinks I better ask it there!

What's the question, missus?

 

[Angeline]

Istanbul At 5:30 a.m.

Morning makes us believers here
with the dawn comes the call to prayer
broadcast through the blue so clear
the light wears a blessing of sensual layers

with the dawn comes the call to prayer
and the caress of sound flows away to the south
the light wears a blessing of sensual layers
you can taste on your heart when you open your mouth

the caress of sound flows away to the south
you add your love psalms praising life's beauty
straight from your heart when you open your mouth
to whisper your graceful response to duty

you write love psalms praising life's beauty
murmured through the blue so clear
you whisper your graceful response to duty
morning makes us believers here

Evocative and this, especially, I love:

the light wears a blessing of sensual layers
you can taste on your heart when you open your mouth

Overall it's smooth and fluid and the title is excellent as it reinforces the whole poem.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

What's the question, missus?

On first read I didn't get the meter .......... now I do

 

[champagne1982]

Evocative and this, especially, I love:

the light wears a blessing of sensual layers
you can taste on your heart when you open your mouth

Overall it's smooth and fluid and the title is excellent as it reinforces the whole poem.

Thank you, I wasn't sure if the prayer thing would work in there.

On first read I didn't get the meter .......... now I do

Yes, you have to fudge the beat a little in S3 but with a half-count pause, it works ok.

 

[Remec]

Thank you, I wasn't sure if the prayer thing would work in there.

Yes, you have to fudge the beat a little in S3 but with a half-count pause, it works ok.

Syncopation and breath-control is everything, sometimes.

 

[twelveoone]

Thank you, I wasn't sure if the prayer thing would work in there.

Yes, you have to fudge the beat a little in S3 but with a half-count pause, it works ok.

be nice to see how you mark it off, versus UYS, because what you seem to be saying seems to vaguely familiar...
and I'm outta here (this thread)

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

more perfection from Tess

Thank you Annie, that's real praise coming from The Form Mistress.

 

[todski28]

Umm why are there groans at the Roundelay, I am too scared to look it up

 

[UnderYourSpell]

be nice to see how you mark it off, versus UYS, because what you seem to be saying seems to vaguely familiar...
and I'm outta here (this thread)

I do wish I knew what you are saying half the time

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Umm why are there groans at the Roundelay, I am too scared to look it up

It is 24 lines in length--four sestets--and turns on only two rhymes. Except for the first and second lines of stanza one, and the third and fourth lines of stanza four, all the rest of the lines in the poem are repeated elsewhere, in a particular order: abA1B1A2B2 A1B1A3B3A2B2 A3B3A4B4A2B2 A4B4abA2B2. The two middle lines of each stanza become the first two lines of the following stanza, and the last two lines of each stanza are always the same.

I hope that answers your question adequately

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Syncopation and breath-control is everything, sometimes.

dirty boy

 

[todski28]

It is 24 lines in length--four sestets--and turns on only two rhymes. Except for the first and second lines of stanza one, and the third and fourth lines of stanza four, all the rest of the lines in the poem are repeated elsewhere, in a particular order: abA1B1A2B2 A1B1A3B3A2B2 A3B3A4B4A2B2 A4B4abA2B2. The two middle lines of each stanza become the first two lines of the following stanza, and the last two lines of each stanza are always the same.

I hope that answers your question adequately

hahahha, sure you answered it, but did I understand it, not one iota except 24 lines, rhyming, and repetition......that is it

 

[UnderYourSpell]

hahahha, sure you answered it, but did I understand it, not one iota except 24 lines, rhyming, and repetition......that is it

Don't worry we won't go there ........... yet !

 

[twelveoone]

I do wish I knew what you are saying half the time

metre, mark it off, Brits are more prone to speaking in Iambs, it is also rather more highly ingrained in them, not only in speech but in the culture if poetry. But even though the language is named, the English are a rather small bit of the speakers. Demographics trumps dead canons. Who reads Masefield?
2nd part, stress is a variable and assigned by the reader, I assume the writer assigned it in this case.
Mark it off.
And what is Remec doing, assigning Moras?
3rd part, I've been in too many knock down drag outs with the beat boys to even care to revisit this.
Just Mark It Off.
So instead I'll amuse you with a little story, years ago the americans gave up the great verse libber Eliot and he became an Anglican saint. Der Englishers gave up the great Metrist Auden. He wins a Pulitzer prize. For Alliterative Verse. I have no reason to be in this thread, but the same holds true for you in the Rap thread.

 

[twelveoone]

well fuck me, don't let me kill this thread
just mark it off, you two, in bold the stresses, you want to do the feet do 'em

 

[UnderYourSpell]

metre, mark it off, Brits are more prone to speaking in Iambs, it is also rather more highly ingrained in them, not only in speech but in the culture if poetry. But even though the language is named, the English are a rather small bit of the speakers. Demographics trumps dead canons. Who reads Masefield?
2nd part, stress is a variable and assigned by the reader, I assume the writer assigned it in this case.
Mark it off.
And what is Remec doing, assigning Moras?
3rd part, I've been in too many knock down drag outs with the beat boys to even care to revisit this.
Just Mark It Off.
So instead I'll amuse you with a little story, years ago the americans gave up the great verse libber Eliot and he became an Anglican saint. Der Englishers gave up the great Metrist Auden. He wins a Pulitzer prize. For Alliterative Verse. I have no reason to be in this thread, but the same holds true for you in the Rap thread.

well fuck me, don't let me kill this thread
just mark it off, you two, in bold the stresses, you want to do the feet do 'em

I won't let you kill off anything and there's going to be many more form threads however much you object to them (as if you have some right that others don't) and it's hardly my fault that you can't see that Rap is the ballad form read to music

 

[Neonurotic]

You're a natural although your subject matter gives me the heeby jeebies!

Thank you. And for the subject matter, yes gives me the heebies as well. I just moved into a turn of the century brick house with a root cellar (aka spider dungeon). I have a fear of spiders verging on arachnophobia and trying to desensitize myself with some exposure. I don't know if it's working or not since I overreact when seeing them, mashing them to smithereens. However I stopped screaming like a little girl.

I'm going to give another go at pantoum, a rhyming one. Now that's scary.

 

[Wintermute01]

So near and yet so far
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My words stroke you, though my fingers cannot,
You are so close, just behind this screen.
Your voice is silent, in this Gordian Knot,
Your face, a mystery, goes unseen.

You are so close, just behind this screen,
You are so far, many miles away.
Your face, a mystery, goes unseen,
So many things I wish I could say.

You are so far, many miles away,
Would that I could just bring you near.
So many things I wish I could say,
I'd protect you from all the demons you fear.

Would that I could just bring you near,
To kiss you, taste you, fulfil your desires.
I'd protect you from all the demons you fear,
In the passion of night I'd light those fires.

To kiss you, taste you, fulfil your desires,
Your voice is silent, in this Gordian Knot.
In the passion of night I'd light those fires,
My words stroke you, though my fingers cannot.