The girl who never says no

[seela]

Different cultures have varying interpretations of facial expressions but I agree that the "not smiling = bitchy" is a real thing for women in N. America.

I probably wouldn't last a week there, then.

 

[Ahlam]

If all someone has to do to be considered "bitchy" is not smile, then I guess I can see how saying "no" to something would seal the impression. That pisses me off, the more I think about it.

I've seen people blow up and call me a bitch/whore/tease/slacker/cunt/etc. for saying no before. It can be rather intimidating. This unpleasantness has taught me to replace "no" with "indirect no" or "yes, but..." I've heard that in some cultures, many "no's" are "yes, but's"and vice versa.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Do you find this not "smiling = bitchy" and "women being asked to smile more" thing relevant where you live, too? Because I can't imagine anyone ever telling someone to smile more, where I live. Not smiling isn't automatically thought of being bitchy, and I'm glad for that.

I usually soften my "No thank you with a smile", but so does J. I sometimes explain, too, really depends on the situation. I rarely feel the need to explain anything to strangers, though.

I've never encountered a situation where someone would have approached me sober and not believe a no thank you really means no thank you. Drunk people are a different animal altogether, and I treat them much like I would a troll - I ignore them and they go away (although I do play with trolls on Lit sometimes, never in real life, though). Then again, it's really not that common for people to ask strangers for a cup of coffee - the few times it's happened to me, it's usually been a foreigner who's done that.

All in all, I feel like women here have much less expectations to act woman-ish than women in the US. I've never been to the States so it's hard for me to compare, but based on what I've read on Lit, there seems to be a difference. It's hard for me to relate to the situations described sometimes. In my relationship we have fairly traditional gender roles, and we've had to explain it a lot at times.

There are very few SAHMs here, except when the kids are really young, and homemakers without kids...well, I've never heard of one. I have a feeling this has something to do with the expected gender roles. But this is kinda OT now.

Interesting video, nevertheless. The idea of having to fix that "Bitchy Resing Face" sounds creepy.

I think it's less blatant here but yes, women are expected to be more "pleasant" and there's a pressure to conform and "get along", that makes saying no an issue.

 

[satindesire]

I actually struggled for years about how to give myself permission to say no and have boundaries. The only time I ever started succeeding was the first time I got pregnant. I was so ill and exhausted the entire time that I honestly could not put out the same level of superhuman takes-care-of-everything-and-everyone-ness that I had been. I got hospitalized twice before my doctor was like Okay this needs to stop now, before you lose your baby.

That was a slap in the face. Let me tell you what.

One of the biggest character flaws that I always hated about myself was that I felt powerless and unable to establish healthy boundaries and self-care. I'm better now, I realize I couldn't be a good mom if I didn't take care of myself too. The house is messier than it used to be and I don't always get to everything on time, but I feel much more restful than I ever have, emotionally speaking.

What's interesting about the discussion of rude, entitled men is that since moving to small town/island living I rarely if ever experience this anymore. Why? I don't know. I assume I'm still attractive to men??

But, honestly, in my small towns, I can strike up or participate in friendly conversations with men I don't know and never worry about the unrelenting pick-up fest that used to happen to me in the city. Maybe that's a function of anonymity? Maybe you're less likely to harass someone if you know you're going to run into them on a regular basis in all kinds of environments? In fact, that's one of the things I love about where I live, people love to talk to each other...anywhere. Community is awesome.

As for the rudeness and guilt, I've gotten over it. When I'm in an environment where I don't want to encourage the "won't take no for an answer" men, I just shut right down. Netz is 100% correct - works like a hot damn.

Solution? Want to stay polite with strange men - move to a small town.

I think that it's a two part thing. Not only are you going to feel socially pressured to be nicer to people that you're more likely to be around more often, just to avoid being "That asshole" in a small town...but the whole anonymity of the mob mentality thing...ala trolls and the internet as an analogy? I think people are way more likely to be impulsive and assholey if they feel safely protected behind a wall of humanity.

I wish I had Bitchy Resting Face but I have Sad Resting Face and that doesn't work nearly as well. :-/ Ah well, c'est la vie.