The new #1

[WickedEve]

UP, you know I'm fond of you. So I say this for your own good: "Run! Those forks aren't for eatin'!They're looking to pitch some UP, not some woo."

Soon to be senior citizen? I always pictured you as a very, very, very elderly gentleman. I thought you were already around 80ish. Shoot! There go my hot octogenarian fantasies!

 

[Jaenelle]

Re: Just when you thought it was safe.

Hmmm these shoes seem to fit.

The new #1 tackles loneliness, want and few other things. Believe me, I mean that literally. “Eyes That Bind” fixes its attention like a myopic serial killer and never lets up. Focusing on your subject is a wonderful quality in a poem. But here we witness something closer to obsession. Though not with the intention of the author. These eyes stalk, harass and make a general nuisance of themselves. If I were loneliness I would think about a restraining order.

Eyes That Bind
by Jaenelle ©

Your eyes they seem to look right through her when she looks into them.
They pierce her very soul, and touch the deepest depths that all has not yet seen.
Eyes that seem to know what she is thinking, as she gazes into them.
They call to her on those restless sleepless nights when alone.
Those eyes cant see the restless soul under the flesh.
Eyes that trigger the shivers down her spine, as she look into the night sky.
Eyes that make her blush rosy red, and freeze her in her tracks.
Eyes that know what she is thinking, as she looks into there depths.
And again they call to her on another sleepless night.
Eyes that bind a restless heart, not even knowing.
They bind to the very flesh, that he can only see from a distance.
Eyes that she doesnt want to look into, but afraid not too.
Eyes she knows is watching when her back is turned.
Eyes that pierce through her very soul on another sleepless night.
What those piercing eyes dont see is the restless heart that has gone on without love.

Jaenelle's intensity can’t be faulted and her words wring clear and loud on the cliché bell. But that’s okay, you have to start somewhere. The poem is accessible to everyone and that’s just dandy. To make this a better poem Jaenelle would need to first entertain strophes. Separating the poem into segments would allow the reader to absorb an offered image and ponder its significance in the space between the words.

I’m thinking three strophes, once this form/device is applied she could then concentrate on telling the story more efficiently. The opening strophe could be used to describe longing. The middle, to investigate what the character receives from the eyes in question. The last strophe, to examine the absence of said eyes.

Once broken into strophe and focused, then she could examine the word choice and diminish the amount of phrase and word bashing. Jaenelle has a lot to say and I would love to hear her voice and not the rambling from a greeting card or a modern interpretation of a 18th century love sonnet in free verse.

Word choice guest appearances:

Eyes (10)
Soul (3)
She (7)
Look/Looks (5)
Restless (4)
Sleepless (3)

Cliché phrases back from the grave:

Deepest depths
Pierce her soul
Piercing eyes
Restless nights
Restless soul
Restless heart
Shivers down her spine
Freeze in her tracks
Sleepless nights
Blush rosy red
Looks into the night sky


Despite all these flaws the poem is still readable (just barely) I would like to rewrite this poem with Jaenelle to illustrate easy ways to avoid overusing words and avoiding cliché. Hell, she doesn’t need me and could do it herself. Simply look at the lists and allow yourself one cliché phrase per poem. Find alternatives for the multiple used words. Use them once and move on. The challenge and the fun of the rewrite will be finding new phrases and words to transmit the meaning and make them fresh and resonate with the reader. It will also help her stretch those poetic muscles. Right now this poem is merely a ventriloquist tool and just as wooden. I can hear the Police singing “I’ll be watching you…"

Janelle, has three other poems worth reading; Jaenelle’s Poetry. Please take the time to comment on them, give her feedback and welcome her to the board. She is relatively new to posting poetry here and she’s #1 so she must be doing something right.

U.P.

Thank you for your constructive critisism and is well taken....made me laugh more than anything...in a good way. I didnt even realize one of my poems was #1 to be honest. I guess I should pay more attention. *blushes* Im working on a new poem and it will be a while before it gets put up, im still working on it.

I also write on the SRP board and am working on a story to be put up on the story side along with my poems. Im still working on my story as well and am not sure when it will be put up.

"Eyes that Bind" was to someone who is no longer a part of my life and never had the chance to meet. Also is my very first poem I ever wrote.

As for your statement of doing something right....I write from within and let the words come to me. I dont sit at my desk thinking about what to write 24/7, I carry a note book around with me and as the words come to me I write them down

I have been writing poetry for less than a year, I do enjoy any feedback from anyone, good or bad.

WickedEve, thanks for your feedback as well, much appriecated and well taken.

Jaen

 

[Byron In Exile]

Mods: plz sticky.

 

[Celedriel]

Mods: plz sticky.

I agree. Sticky everything. It's kinky.

 

[Byron In Exile]

*rah!*

 

[Byron In Exile]

Seriously: sticky at least this one.

 

[Byron In Exile]

There's too much important stuff, really.

It may be all about poetry, but that's important, too!

 

[WickedEve]

Wow, this has been buried almost 2 years. U.P. was a wealth of poetic information. Instead of sticking this, I'll add it to the must-see-links of the new welcome thread that will soon (really soon, maybe eventually) be stuck at the top of this forum. I swear, I'm putting all this on the mod to-do-list.

Celedriel, sticky can be kinky, then again it can just be sticky like a snotty kleenex.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Ahhh, I love UP.

He's better than Simon.

Actually, he has a lot to say on poetry that can teach people who read his critiques on others.

 

[minsue]

Ahhh, I love UP.

He's better than Simon.

Actually, he has a lot to say on poetry that can teach people who read his critiques on others.

Good to see you're still around, KM. (I still miss the ankles, but that's just me )

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Maybe this thread should be a sticky for a while, so that some whiners could see what it is to get a real critique and what is the true meaning of putting a poem out there for the world to see instead of locking it in their underwear drawer.

 

[champagne1982]

Maybe this thread should be a sticky for a while, so that some whiners could see what it is to get a real critique and what is the true meaning of putting a poem out there for the world to see instead of locking it in their underwear drawer.

You're a moderator, just do it.

 

[BooMerengue]

Good idea, Lauren- I've had to put tape on my mouth!

 

[BlueskyBeauty]

Good idea, Lauren- I've had to put tape on my mouth!

i couldn't find my tape sorry

i only just flashed my ass

after hanging out here and paying attention to some of the poets, i can only laugh at myself for my over abundance of over used phrases.