The new #1

[daughter]

Thanks DP

The new #1 wants to be intense with passion and romance. The poet is attempting to define with images as well. We see that in the last stanza.

What's keeping this from being intense is the flat language and repetition. Repeating "I am" isn't emphasizing but waning the effect of the read.

The text is heavy on cliches and abstractions. I think if Whispering used fewer images and developed movement with them through the poem, it would knock it up this up a notch.

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Dillinger]

I'm sorry for not coming and responding sooner.

daughter

My most sincere apologies if it seemed that my comments were aimed at you. They weren't aimed at anyone in particular. It was, I had hoped, a general rant. While I do admit that there seems to be some tension between us, and that its obvious there are things we do not agree on, I respect you and value what you have to say.

"I look at the whole. I do make an effort to get inside the poem. Now if that doesn't come across to you, are you saying I should remain quiet? Is there only one way to look at poems? So I like the pieces, does that make my view any less valuable? I am a bad person? "

Not at all. The only point I've been trying to make - which I guess I've beaten into the ground enough already - is that most everyone seems, to me, to be looking at the pieces. It doesn't make yours or anyone else's input any less valuable. My viewpoint, obviously, is that I feel people are neglecting the whole for the pieces. I'm looking for a gestalt.

" If there are other ways, then offer them instead of critisizing someone else for at least taking the time to say what she thinks. This is a public forum. Do you want to censor the critic but not the writer?"

The other way is for myself and others to just add our input the way we see fit. I need to try harder at that. Balance has been difficult lately.

As far as censoring the critic but not the writer. I don't want to censor either. But if the writer is fair game here, whether they want to be or not, then the critic is too. Someone wants to pitch a ball, don't be surprised if someone else picks up a bat and takes a swing (even if they miss! *lol*)

" I will argue people have a right to say what they feel about anything that is put on display. When I don't value someone's opinion, I simply don't listen. "

As you said - this is a public forum. Not only are the poems open to discussion but so is everything that is said here.

KillerMuffin

It is being the you that the hot sex babe that you are the always being who is even the more wanting the big cock when she is the irked. You bend over now, yahs?

If you put your poem up for public edification, then someone's going to not like it. Someone's going to critique it. And you're not going to like what they have to say. It's their right. If you can't handle having people who don't know you tell their truth about your poetry, then keep it to friends who are willing to either lie to you or who consider the source and ignore insipid doggerel. "

You have a point. But only to a point. Not everyone posted to Lit in the hopes of puplic edification. A large # of the people who have posted poems and stories to Literotica don't even know this forum exists. And of those that do, a large number of them don't even come here and read what is being said.

Its very egotistical of us to think that just because we choose to discuss the #1 poem or anything else that the focus of our discussion is even aware that we are doing so.

You know - some people post to Lit just so their friends can come and read their stuff online.

"The poet gives a person the right to rip their poetry apart simply by posting it publicly. When you put yourself out publicly you allow other people to read what you've written and form opinions on it.

Again - point taken... up to a point. How about we at least tell someone when their getting ripped? Hmmm?

RisiaSkye

"I agree, though, that the emotion of a read is an important part of providing feedback, and perhaps the most difficult to quantify. I think this is that indefinable something KillerMuffin talks about in her feedback, for example. "

Perhaps that is why we see more comments about the pieces then the whole. I think you and KM are close to being right when you say its indefinable - therefore we move on to what we can define. I say - we're writer's, we're poets - lets at least try and define it. Maybe common and accepted practices in criticism don't cut it when tackling the indefinable... maybe its a wash of words feelings that come across the reader as they absorb a poem that doesn't translate well when commenting here. Perhaps one responds with an equal wash of words - even if that means ignoring punctuation for a moment (nudge, nudge... WS... *grin*)

And to all...

To follow up on my comments about not everyone being aware that this board exists.

I knew this board existed but, until a month or two ago I was not a regular participant. I've been inundating the General Board with my comments for over a year now but its probably been close to a year since I posted a single word on the Writer/Poetry boards... And probably over 6 months since I had even peeked in... until... a couple months ago when I was running a search on my name - something I do every now and then when I haven't been around all that much, to see if there was anything posted that might warrent my response.

Lo and behold... there was my name mentioned in the Poetry Forum!!! In this thread, as a matter of fact. Seems one of my poems had made it to #1 (which I didn't even know at the time). And it seems that UP decided to critique it here.

I didn't know my poem was #1. I didn't know there was a thread that discussed the number one poem. I didn't know what was going on in any of the other threads. I didn't know who UP was. I discovered all this by accident.

My point?

If you say that anything posted publically is fair game for discussion here. I say that, at the very least, the person placing any poet's work here (or any other thread) at least owes the common courtesy of sending a PM or email to author with a link to the thread where their work is being discussed. Again, its incredibly egotistical of us just to assume that they know their work is being exposed to the light. And incredibly unfair of us to do so and not at least offer the poet the opportunity to see what is being said about their work. I'm a regular here and I didn't even know.

(A year and a 1/2 ago I didn't even know any of these boards existed. There was some controversy about my stories going on and many people had assumed that because I hadn't responded that I was, by default, guilty. Dixon was kind enough to send me a PM with the link to the thread. He didn't know me, I didn't know him. He took that small extra step of looking me up in the directory and writing to me - a kindness and a FAIRNESS that I have never forgotten. That was my introduction to this world. I didn't even know it existed before then... let alone that my works were being "discussed" and that, even worse, because I wasn't participating in that "discussion" I must obviously be the antichrist. )

 

[Ded Poet]

Hey Dillinger,

Check it out: it's the New #1 on the New #1 thread!

Whaddya think?


The Master That I Want
by Miyelo Ina ©

I want to feel your presence surround me
whether you are near me or not.
I want to know that you will always answer me
when I cry out for you.
I want to feel all my fear and have it quelled
when I look in you eyes.
I want the constant storm around me to cease
at the sound of your voice.
I need to feel the strength of your hands
pressing firmly against my skin
My muscles straining against your stronger ones
until they fail me and cease to struggle.

Learn who I am and engulf me,
Find all the hidden parts of me that have been shamed into silence,
Shine the light of your wisdom on them,
Bring up the anger in me, bring up the tears,
Let me fight with you and know that I can't win.
It makes the surrender all the sweeter in the end.

I need to see the resolve in your eyes,
The resolve that is your strength, your power that I don't have.
I want to know this power so that when it has taken me
I can cling to it, learn from it, grow because of it
and most of all feel serenity when I am immersed in it.
Let me know that giving up to you is safe,
That you have things always in control,
That you will guide me so that I can step forward in confidence,
my hand in yours, my eyes closed, my heart singing
because it has finally found its sanctuary.

I want to give myself completely to you, holding nothing back,
no regrets, no doubts, no hesitation.
I have so much trust. I need somewhere to lay it,
somewhere it won't be betrayed or abused.
I want you to make me into what you know is best -
what you would be most content with and proud of.
I want you to know that I would give anything within my own meager power
to have this kind of peace.

But please don't love me.


This is a powerful piece, particularly the surprise ending. In clear, clean language, Miyelo brings us into the mind of a sub. What master could refuse the call of such a pure voice?

DP

 

[tigerjen]

I give this new #1 poem one word......

STRONG

as in a *strong voice*

The last line, however, scared me......scared me because
if I was the sub speaking those words to "my master",
I would want him to love me. But the "sub" speaking here
doesn't; I can't understand why. Perhaps it is emotional
detachment?

Overall, I thought it was a strong, clear, no-holds barred
piece. A thumbs up!

tigerjen

 

[Dillinger]

Re: Hey Dillinger,

Cool. And I assume that you sent a messge to Miyelo Ina with an invite to join the discussion?

 

[WriterDom]

Re: Re: Hey Dillinger,

Cool. And I assume that you sent a messge to Miyelo Ina with an invite to join the discussion?

I usually see her online in the morning. She rarely posts, but I'll point her in this direction.

 

[tigerjen]

I emailed Miyelo Ina this morning......

I usually see her online in the morning. She rarely posts,
but I'll point her in this direction.

I sent her an email feedback earlier this morning, and
invited her to join in on the discussion here on the
poetry board.

tigerjen

 

[WriterDom]

By the time Miyelo Ina checked, 4 votes had already pushed her off the top 100.

Maybe we need a top 200

 

[tigerjen]

Duh!

By the time Miyelo Ina checked, 4 votes had already pushed her off the top 100.

Maybe we need a top 200

Well DUH!
I suggested that a long while back when the whole toplist
problems began.....I suggested *expanding the top list to more
than 100 entries!**

It's a shame that her poem flew off the top so fast already;
I heard back from her this morning via email and told me that
she was happy that it made it up there.

tigerjen

 

[Ded Poet]

Look, there goes another one!

Ignoring Ignorance
by SA Storm ©

Mmm I like that,
that spot right there,
thank God no ones home.

I don’t want to know
where you learned it.
I’ll just accept the gift.

Mmmm... I really do like that.



Okay, this is the sheer force of popularity at work here. Mr. Storm can do no wrong, his public loves him. He's like Anne Rice or Stephen King--just keep crankin' 'em out and the odoring fans are happy.

What else can I say?

DP

 

[Masked Poet]

2/17

daughter's Center of Treeshttp://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=29618 is #1

I'm not sure if this one has been in the one spot before or not.
It's a magnificent poem. One of my very favorite poems on the site!

Some bits and pieces:

I drape myself
in pale splashes of daisies.

A ritual sashay across the room,
I walk to him.
He is transfixed.
The flowers dance,
he watches petals sway against
my Sugar Baby skin.

I pull off my beaded hair band,
a sultry, free fall of
raisin and henna locks

Ahhh... gets better every time I read it.

MP

 

[KatPurrs]

Re: 2/17

daughter's Center of Treeshttp://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=29618 is #1

I'm not sure if this one has been in the one spot before or not.
It's a magnificent poem. One of my very favorite poems on the site!


It has MP, but it's worth it. It is a fabulous poem and one of my favorites as well.

Kat~

 

[Savage Kitten]

I think this is a prime example as to why this thread has "dried up" a bit. The new #1 poems aren't really new anymore. They have already been dissected and discussed so there isn't any thing new to say about them.

Being #1 is hard but somebody has to do it!

 

[Savage Kitten]

New Poem? New Poet? New #1!!!

Wow, you guys take a look at this! Where's UP when i need him huh?? Come out, Come out, where ever you are!!

One Love
by Robski ©

One day in the future,
I hope to meet again,
The one person in my life,
Who helped to halt the rain,
Without who I’m incomplete,
Missing something special,
Without them here with me,
My heart is an empty vessel,
I hope that very soon,
They’ll mend my broken heart,
Release the love within me,
And lighten my world so dark,
For I know in my heart,
I could never love again,
No other love could ever,
Ever be the same…

Another romantic in our midst! Check out this guy's author page! He has written quite a few stories and is now gracing our poetry forum with his works also. Read and Vote! Let this author know he has been heard!

Sk~

 

[WickedEve]

The New #1 for 7/15/02

Wow! I didn't realize that it's been this long since anyone has posted to this thread!

a adultriss affair
by kittygopurr ©
rank: 1
score: 4.80
votes: 10
submitted: 04/10/02

a passion for you which i cannot express
i want to fuck you this i confess
but we work at the same place
and everyday i have to see ur face
just one night with you would be fine
then id know youd forever be mine
just one night of my lustful snatch
i know that would be ur catch
i so want to suck ur dick
and give you my pussy for you to lick
i want to feel ur sweet dark skin
i want to kiss ur chest and then begin
but we cannot our job wouldnt approve
i dont know if i should make my move
but i yearn for you so bad
and i wont stop until you ive had
i see ur bulge throug ur jeans
thats the biggest cock ive ever seen
i want to feel it deep inside
i want to be on top so i can ride
i want it to hurt oh so bad
i know itll be the best cock iver ever had
i want to scream out your name
and i want you to do the same
my pussy drips and i get so horney
thinking of you pounding me
shoving that 9+ inches in my cunt
doing it from the back then the front
finally i ask can we fuck
you say yes im in luck
you cock tastes mmm so good
to suck it all night you know i would
your tounge flicks my clit so right
careful cause my pussies tight
pound my pussy dont stop if cry
it hurts yes i wont lie
just fuck me like you dont care
slap my ass pull my hair
i want to ride that big black cock
mm baby its hard as a rock
ooohh it feels like im in heaven
if i cum now thatll make seven
ive never cum like this before
maybe cuz i know from now ill be ur whore
yes thats what i wanted this whole time
now im urs now ur mine
i know you got a girlfriend
but this love affair just cannot end
i know i have a boyfriend
still this affair cannot end
when your girl fucks you tonight
think of the whore that did it right
and when i fuck my man tonight
i hope he doesnt notice im no longer tight
hes the only man before you ive done
but your the only man thats made me cum

 

[~Dream~]

Yes,Daughter's poem was very nice but.

Wicked Eve is STILL the Queen of poetry in my book and I just wanted to leave a note to as U.P. if he'll PLEASE critique my poems I have up now? Our mutual friend" Maid of Marvels said you would ,I'm writing in an Srp thread with her

 

[WickedEve]

This thread has been buried for ages. So I'm not sure which daughter poem you're talking about.
I'm not the Queen of Poetry. But I am the Goddess of the Dildo.
UP doesn't come around these parts much anymore, little missy. But if that cow poke rides into town, we'll let him know you're a wantin' his services.

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Yikes

Oh this is scary what is this doing back up. Critcal poetry comments, if someone starts I will join in. I will try not to joke too much. But I can't promise.

U.P.

 

[WickedEve]

Igor and I were out digging around and we found this thread. So I brought it back to life.

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Just when you thought it was safe.

Hmmm these shoes seem to fit.

The new #1 tackles loneliness, want and few other things. Believe me, I mean that literally. “Eyes That Bind” fixes its attention like a myopic serial killer and never lets up. Focusing on your subject is a wonderful quality in a poem. But here we witness something closer to obsession. Though not with the intention of the author. These eyes stalk, harass and make a general nuisance of themselves. If I were loneliness I would think about a restraining order.

Eyes That Bind
by Jaenelle ©

Your eyes they seem to look right through her when she looks into them.
They pierce her very soul, and touch the deepest depths that all has not yet seen.
Eyes that seem to know what she is thinking, as she gazes into them.
They call to her on those restless sleepless nights when alone.
Those eyes cant see the restless soul under the flesh.
Eyes that trigger the shivers down her spine, as she look into the night sky.
Eyes that make her blush rosy red, and freeze her in her tracks.
Eyes that know what she is thinking, as she looks into there depths.
And again they call to her on another sleepless night.
Eyes that bind a restless heart, not even knowing.
They bind to the very flesh, that he can only see from a distance.
Eyes that she doesnt want to look into, but afraid not too.
Eyes she knows is watching when her back is turned.
Eyes that pierce through her very soul on another sleepless night.
What those piercing eyes dont see is the restless heart that has gone on without love.

Jaenelle's intensity can’t be faulted and her words wring clear and loud on the cliché bell. But that’s okay, you have to start somewhere. The poem is accessible to everyone and that’s just dandy. To make this a better poem Jaenelle would need to first entertain strophes. Separating the poem into segments would allow the reader to absorb an offered image and ponder its significance in the space between the words.

I’m thinking three strophes, once this form/device is applied she could then concentrate on telling the story more efficiently. The opening strophe could be used to describe longing. The middle, to investigate what the character receives from the eyes in question. The last strophe, to examine the absence of said eyes.

Once broken into strophe and focused, then she could examine the word choice and diminish the amount of phrase and word bashing. Jaenelle has a lot to say and I would love to hear her voice and not the rambling from a greeting card or a modern interpretation of a 18th century love sonnet in free verse.

Word choice guest appearances:

Eyes (10)
Soul (3)
She (7)
Look/Looks (5)
Restless (4)
Sleepless (3)

Cliché phrases back from the grave:

Deepest depths
Pierce her soul
Piercing eyes
Restless nights
Restless soul
Restless heart
Shivers down her spine
Freeze in her tracks
Sleepless nights
Blush rosy red
Looks into the night sky


Despite all these flaws the poem is still readable (just barely) I would like to rewrite this poem with Jaenelle to illustrate easy ways to avoid overusing words and avoiding cliché. Hell, she doesn’t need me and could do it herself. Simply look at the lists and allow yourself one cliché phrase per poem. Find alternatives for the multiple used words. Use them once and move on. The challenge and the fun of the rewrite will be finding new phrases and words to transmit the meaning and make them fresh and resonate with the reader. It will also help her stretch those poetic muscles. Right now this poem is merely a ventriloquist tool and just as wooden. I can hear the Police singing “I’ll be watching you…"

Janelle, has three other poems worth reading; Jaenelle’s Poetry. Please take the time to comment on them, give her feedback and welcome her to the board. She is relatively new to posting poetry here and she’s #1 so she must be doing something right.

U.P.

 

[WickedEve]

a steamy shangri-la was #1 earlier today. The top spot is such a slut -- making out with everyone!

I agree with the changes you suggest. I think there's an interesting poem lurking here. I'd also like to see the imagery freshened, but keep the unintentional stalker-like theme. At least, it would be different. It could turn out to be a cool poem.

Congrats on having your poem on the top of the heap (another cliché) Jaenelle!

 

[lickmyboot]

Who says erotica can't be an educational experience? Lately I've been thread tripping and surveying the words of wisdom brought forth by the Unmasked one. I've already reached for my dictionary twice!

It always good to have a cruel master. It makes praise from such lips all the more sweeter.



Who's next under the needlepin I wonder?

 

[Unmasked Poet]

There is always another.

I read this early mourning today, keep reading to see what I found.


Early Morning Ecstasy
by Cuntrygyrl ©

Slowly waking up beside you as you lay so still
I touch your strong chest, loving the way you feel
Quietly my hand travels slowly down
Being so careful not to make a sound
On your stomach I lay my head to rest
Your body pressed close to my naked breast
My fingers start their journey to your inner thigh
Caressing your balls I hear your soft sigh
Placing my hand on your still sleeping dick
I move even closer and give it a gentle lick
After licking and kissing it nice and slow
I take it in my mouth and feel it start to grow
Moving my tongue up and down, swirling around the top
I love the way you taste and feel, I never want to stop
Now it's hard and fully erect, almost more than I can take
I look up and see you watching me, I'm glad you are awake
You take my hand and gently ease me to my back
Being so gentle, kind and caring, things you'll never lack
You see how much I want you as you look into my eyes
Your hand moves to my pussy, which you start to softly pet
I see your look of surprise when you feel I'm already wet
You insert one finger into my hot, wet slit
Then slowly drag it upwards to my aching, swollen clit
You rub it slowly, teasingly as you lean over and kiss my face
Then you look into my eyes as your fingers quicken their pace
Ohh you feel so good, I love you so very much
Suddenly you stick two fingers inside me and I melt beneath your touch
You move them in and out then back up to my clit you go
I let out a moan as I start to cum and you feel my juices flow
Then you move down and quickly you get between my legs
And you know that it's your hard cock for which my body begs
I feel this desperate need.... this ache down deep inside
I can't wait for you to take me on this magical ride
We look at each other as your cock rubs slowly against me
Then in one swift motion you're inside me ohh so very deeply
Looking up into your eyes, I see them so full of love
Your cock fits inside me perfectly, snuggly just like a glove
You start moving in and out pounding me hard and fast
I love the way you feel inside me, if only it would forever last
Pumping so fast and hard I see you start to sweat
I feel your cock gliding in and out of my cunt which is oh so very wet
I need for you to cum, to feel you explode so deep inside me
I hear you moan, feel you tense up as if you heard my silent plea
Your orgasm erupts inside me, as your pumping gradually slows
We lay together still joined as the proof of our love flows
Then you raise up and look at me with this sexy evil grin
As you go down and start licking my pussy, starting it all over again.


I took a look and immediately went for the “Vivarin” due to the length of this poem. Two lines in I started shaking, and then had to get liquored-up to calm my nerves. Let’s try this again without the influence of outside stimuli. A stanza, A stanza! My kingdom for a stanza! You can call them strophes also. If you want to know the subtle difference look it up. Trust me though this one is definitely stanza.



Slowly waking up beside you as you lay so still
I touch your strong chest, loving the way you feel

Quietly my hand travels slowly down
Being so careful not to make a sound

On your stomach I lay my head to rest
Your body pressed close to my naked breast

My fingers start their journey to your inner thigh
Caressing your balls I hear your soft sigh

Placing my hand on your still sleeping dick
I move even closer and give it a gentle lick

After licking and kissing it nice and slow
I take it in my mouth and feel it start to grow

Moving my tongue up and down, swirling around the top
I love the way you taste and feel, I never want to stop

Now it's hard and fully erect, almost more than I can take
I look up and see you watching me, I'm glad you are awake

You take my hand and gently ease me to my back
Being so gentle, kind and caring, things you'll never lack

You see how much I want you as you look into my eyes

Your hand moves to my pussy, which you start to softly pet
I see your look of surprise when you feel I'm already wet

You insert one finger into my hot, wet slit
Then slowly drag it upwards to my aching, swollen clit

You rub it slowly, teasingly as you lean over and kiss my face
Then you look into my eyes as your fingers quicken their pace

Ohh you feel so good, I love you so very much
Suddenly you stick two fingers inside me and I melt beneath your touch

You move them in and out then back up to my clit you go
I let out a moan as I start to cum and you feel my juices flow

Then you move down and quickly you get between my legs
And you know that it's your hard cock for which my body begs

I feel this desperate need.... this ache down deep inside
I can't wait for you to take me on this magical ride

We look at each other as your cock rubs slowly against me
Then in one swift motion you're inside me ohh so very deeply

Looking up into your eyes, I see them so full of love
Your cock fits inside me perfectly, snuggly just like a glove

You start moving in and out pounding me hard and fast
I love the way you feel inside me, if only it would forever last

Pumping so fast and hard I see you start to sweat
I feel your cock gliding in and out of my cunt which is oh so very wet

I need for you to cum, to feel you explode so deep inside me
I hear you moan, feel you tense up as if you heard my silent plea

Your orgasm erupts inside me, as your pumping gradually slows
We lay together still joined as the proof of our love flows

Then you raise up and look at me with this sexy evil grin
As you go down and start licking my pussy, starting it all over again.

What we have here is a Mother Goosian flashback of epic proportions, and me without my cigar. I have taken the liberty of breaking up the text where the lines rhyme. Two lines rhyming are called couplets. Back to old Ma Goose:

Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe.
Had so many children she didn’t know what to do.

Get it, couplet? Guess they practiced the rhythm method. Or the quick draw. How about “I promise I won’t inside you?” Amazing the things we learn as children that stick with us. I’m referring to nursery rhymes and not any children who may remarkably bear a resemblance to me. You guys are perverts. Just try reciting this poem in Mrs. Hooplemeirs 3rd grade English class.

Breaking up the text certainly makes it easier to read and gives the rhyme a chance. I hope Cuntrygirl wasn’t hoping this could be erotic. I can tell by her screen name that she has a sense of humor. The rhyme pattern is too simple to generate heat. The only bodily reaction I developed during this poem was:

A nervous tick.
Not a stiffened prick.

A couplet is a wonderful device but strung together this way it is only good for a version of:

School house rock.
Not a raging cock.

Boy this is hard to stop. No rewrite is needed I think this poem does what it is suppose to do. A funny little ditty that has a good beat and you can dance to it. I would caution the author on the use of the words:

I (a mere 25 times)
You/your (a whopping 44 times)

Poetry is so like cheese! Who doesn’t love a flavorful “Bleu de Septmoncel” with a brisk port and water crackers? Next day I might reach for a coke the saltines and a jar of Velveeta. Cuntrygirl has 6 more poems to read and yes Virginia, all but one rhyme.
Is it erotic? No. Is it amusing? Not in my opinion. Is it Velveeta? Yes! The only other thing I know is that it’s #1. Cuntrygirl is also new to the board and posting poetry here. Vote! Comment! Show some love.


U.P.

 

[WickedEve]

Oh, U Pee
Tee hee
(as good as I get in the morning)

Honestly, UP. They will soon be coming for you with torches, pitchforks, and bad limericks about "Once there was a critic named U.P.!"

Cuntrygirl's poetry has been at the top more than once, and she has a few spots occupied on the top list. Obviously, her poetry is popular with many here at Lit. So to any of you that enjoy her poetry, that's cool. And cuntrygirl may only want to write poetry for fun. Hopefully, she'll show up on the board and discover some new ways to write.

Maybe Cgirl could start simply:

Slowly waking up beside you as you lay so still
I touch your strong chest, loving the way you feel

Quietly my hand travels slowly down
Being so careful not to make a sound

Slowly wake beside you
Your body lies so still
I touch your strong chest
Loving the way you feel

Quietly my hand travels
leisurely journey down
Careful to hush my sighs
I do not make a sound


From this point she could replace a few more words:

My awakening, languid
Beside your body still
Gentle fingers touch
Absorb the way you feel

Quietly my hand travels
leisurely journey down
Careful to hush my sighs
I utter not one sound


Anyway, you can play around with any poem, and sometimes improve upon it, still keeping the original meaning.

 

[Unmasked Poet]

Oh Eve

Who would want to give up popularity for proficiency? Our voting thread is about hits. Top 40-pop poetry. Why would anyone come at me with those pointy things? Besides, I have been burned so much in effigy that I sport a permanent tan and just last week I was mistaken for a African American and a person of Hispanic origin. The jig was up when I went for a wade in the pool. One man accused me of “Frontin” I took off my watch and the tan line was bright enough to blind. Oh where was I? Yah, pitchforks why would anyone want that? One lonely voice with an opinion against ten strong voices. They wouldn’t run a soon to be senior citizen out of town would they?

U.P.