The new #1

[Unmasked Poet]

One mans heaven...

The intrepid Pleasureu is back, and we’ve got trouble in river city folks, big trouble. Seems a wayward soul finds himself in heaven. His “lost” is our gain. (forgive the pun)
Still I found something and I can’t wait to show you. I urge you to run for a fire extinguisher because by the time were done. All of us will end up mired in hell. Read and don’t worry just use that fire extinguisher when you have to.

Lost In Heaven
by pleasureu ©


As now I sail the golden dream
See Angel standing there,
A vision clothed in perfect white
Soft sunlight, in her hair.

Memory does spark within
Of time, not long ago
Of passion sweet, and love divine
Within the afterglow

How did I love thee, lady fair.
How did I drink thy wine
As pussy lips did blossom forth
To bring such joy to mine.

So honey sweet, yet silky smooth
My tongue received your prize
AsI my love, intently gazed
Deep down into your eyes.

Your swollen clit, was tender then
Pink and filled with flush
As I caressed her gently
No need my love to rush

But that was back in mist of time
Behind the summers door
Did love you then, my precious one,
Yet now,I love you more

If this were the “Holding Poems up to the light” thread I would walk you through this poem, but really you don’t need my help. Everything is laid out for us like a buffet at an all you can eat restaurant. At first glance the colors are pretty and you’re hungry even your stomach rumbles as you approach the food. Then as you get closer you realize that it is in only fast food with extra sugar added.

Pleasureu’s Lost in heaven has too much sugar! Far too many overused images and lines. There is nothing new or profound because we have all seen it before, I’m sure most of you have written it before. Taste the first stanza:

As now I sail the golden dream
See Angel standing there,
A vision clothed in perfect white
Soft sunlight, in her hair.

There is something good here; he has gotten control of the rhyme scheme. But the imagery is so tired not even his angel could muster the strength to take flight. As a poet learns to write, they learn to avoid cliché. There is nothing wrong with the feeling yet we must find words that rise above the million other poems that have used them before.
“Golden dream”,”an angel in white”,and “sunlight in her hair.” Are banal to the point where they have no impact. I’m sure someone who doesn’t read poetry will credit the author for his genius. But for those of us who read “other peoples poetry” we realize this is the first steps of a writer evolving (we hope) and we can forgive them a little because we recognize they know not what they do. The poem doesn’t get any better we bounce from one hackneyed stanza to another, each with more sugar added to help it go down.

The borrowing of old English” and mixing it with the highly romantic words “Pussy” and “Clit” just doesn’t work. The poem has borrowed almost every other overused metaphor why not steal two more and keep the dialog in the poem consistent. The tight rhyme and decent use of meter cannot save this poem from bursting. (Ready those fire extinguishers) for rather than song, this one goes up into flames. I had wanted to highlight the commonplace phrases but then I would have had to repost the whole poem. Everyone on the count of three ready….set…..go…

In the charred remains there could be a rewrite, if the author doesn’t mind getting his fingers or his ego burned.

U.P.

 

[WickedEve]

pleasureu

if the voting is not turned off, why cant I vote

I'm sure you'll be able to vote soon. I turned off the voting on a newer poem by mistake. When I turned it back on, sometime later, it took a while before it could be voted on. Just give it time.

And I would like to say this in a very nice way, pleasureu, but this thread is for discussing the #1 poem. I really do enjoy this thread. Perhaps, you could start you own thread on this "voting fraud" topic.

And congrats on #1. I see U.P. has already posted it here.

WE

 

[Laurel]

When voting is turned "off" on a poem or a story, that poem or story should not show up in the top lists. If it does, it's either for a very short period while the script is regenerating the list, or it is a bug on our side. Either way, it has nothing to do with the author. It is in both cases you must "Blame Literotica" (to the tune of "Blame Canada").

I'll take at the top lists and see if something is funky. If it is, we'll get it straightened out as soon as possible.

And my boy Eric once
Had my picture on his shelf
But now when I see him he tells me to fuck myself!
Blame Literotica!

 

[WriterDom]

Laurel, the problem is once you turn the voting off, it stays off even if you return it to voting status.

 

[WickedEve]

I was wrong

My last post said that I turned voting off then back on, and that you could now vote. I just assumed you could, but I checked and you can't.
Laurel is there any way to restore voting to poems that have been turned back on?

 

[TigerClaw]

......

 

[Whispersecret]

Here are my thoughts.

Lost In Heaven
by pleasureu ©

As now I sail the golden dream
See Angel standing there,
A vision clothed in perfect white
Soft sunlight, in her hair.

There should not be a comma after "sunlight." I agree that equating one's love with an angel in white is cliche. Sorry. It's done almost as often as poets rhyming "love" with a line that's about it coming from "heaven above."

Memory does spark within
Of time, not long ago
Of passion sweet, and love divine
Within the afterglow

I like the idea of using "spark" and "afterglow" together, but I would like to have seen more of that analogy to fire/heat, etc. But best be very careful because fire = passion is overused as well.

How did I love thee, lady fair.
How did I drink thy wine
As pussy lips did blossom forth
To bring such joy to mine.

I had the same jarring reaction to the rough words (pussy, clit). I'm all soft from reading "How did I love thee, lady fair." If you use archaic romantic language like this, you're setting up a certain mood and it's counter-productive to break the mood with "gutter" words. Gutter words have their place and can be appropriate, but not in the same poem where you refer to someone as a lady fair.

So honey sweet, yet silky smooth
My tongue received your prize
AsI my love, intently gazed
Deep down into your eyes.

I like the line "My tongue received your prize." Nice image there. Suggests that she gives herself to you as a gift and that you consider that a prize. However, I don't see how you could be receiving her prize AND looking into her eyes. Physically impossible.

Also, gazing deeply into anyone's eyes is cliche too. Think of cliche as this: if you think you've read a phrase somewhere, like on a greeting card, it's cliche. Don't use it.

When you refer to someone by "name," you set the "name" off from the rest of the sentence with a comma. So, it should read:

As I, my love, intently gazed

Your swollen clit, was tender then
Pink and filled with flush
As I caressed her gently
No need my love to rush

Hmm. Something can be flushed, but not filled with flush.

Again, should have set off "my love" with commas.

Here was one of the main problems I had with the poem. You couldn't decide who the audience was. (Which is very interesting, and related, I think, to all the hullabaloo lately.) Is this poem in second person or third?

Are we the readers your audience? Are you describing your love to us? If so, you need to be more consistent with your use of pronouns. "Your swollen clit" should be changed to "Her swollen clit," and so on.

If, on the other hand, your love is the (sole) audience, then the pronouns need to be changed to reflect that. "Soft sunlight in her hair" should be changed to "Soft sunlight in your hair." This can make the poem more direct because you seek to make me, the reader, feel as if I'm your love.

But that was back in mist of time
Behind the summers door
Did love you then, my precious one,
Yet now,I love you more

Summer's should have an apostrophe.

The mist of time -- cliche.

Behind summer's door, that's a nice original phrase. Good one, pleasureu. I get the idea that that cherished time you received her prize on your tongue has gone by and endures in your memory "behind summer's door." That's beautiful imagery. THAT's the type of thing you should shoot for more often.

 

[Laurel]

Re: I was wrong

My last post said that I turned voting off then back on, and that you could now vote. I just assumed you could, but I checked and you can't.
Laurel is there any way to restore voting to poems that have been turned back on?

Writerdom kindly brought this bug to our attention earlier today, and we are trying to get it resolved. In theory, you should be able to turn your voting on or off at will, and only stories with the voting turned on should appear in the top lists. This is a confirmed bug, and we will fix it. I was going to say "squash it", but that sounds too mean. Some bugs are cool, and even the ones that aren't - can't we just put them outside?

 

[KatPurrs]

Laurel

Some bugs are cool, and even the ones that aren't - can't we just put them outside?

LOL...I'm glad to see that someone else thinks like me about that! I sometimes find huge spiders in the house and place a tupperware bowl over them, gently scoop them into the bowl with the lid, slide the lid on, and haul their asses outside and let them loose. I couldn't squash them, besides, they'd make a mess on the carpet if I did. EWWWWWW!!!

Kat~

 

[RisiaSkye]

Clarification

I haven't finished catching up with the thread, so I apologize if I'm covering dead ground. But I wanted to address Whispersecret's question about public undermining and Dillinger's suggestion that feedback's too harsh around here.

Whisper--I was in no way talking to you with my complaints, or accusing you of being unhelpful. I've seen you attempting to tell people to take the voting thing in stride and get back to the point. And I think that that kind of commentary you provide is important, and I do not at all wish to undermine it.

Public undermining, to my mind, would be more akin to suggesting that I'm somehow trying to fraudulently keep my scores up...which I am not. WD is right, as Laurel has confirmed. Rather than mess things up further, I'll wait it out.

Dillinger--I see what you're saying man, but it's not where I was.
I agree, though, that the emotion of a read is an important part of providing feedback, and perhaps the most difficult to quantify. I think this is that indefinable something KillerMuffin talks about in her feedback, for example.

I'm not complaining about the kind of feedback that circulates when we're doing it, but about the kind of vote obsession and conspiracy theorizing that has again been dominating the conversation in the last few weeks.

UP--I truly appreciate all the energy you've put into getting us reading, thinking, and talking about poetry. I think, despite our bouts of whining, that most (if not all) of us do.

I see that there's feedback in the pages preceding this, though, and I am now headed back to read it all. Then, I'm off to read the new poems for today. Hopefully, I too will improve my committment to the work of others.

I hope that I haven't offended anyone. Please know that I respect your work, different styles, and opinions. I just hate when we lose sight of the bigger picture, you know?

Oh, and daughter--you continue to impress and inspire me. You are one of the most consistently positive, rational, civil, and honest contributors around here. Thank you.

edited for content

 

[Blue Dolphin]

Whispersecret

Thank you dear lady,
for your critique,and your comments.

It was so refreshing to see no sarcasm or cutting comments.
i hear what you say, and take note.

Just looked at the #1, the Touch, by Rissia Skye.
very good poem.
Yet, still not possible to vote on it.
Come on lit, sort this out please

 

[KillerMuffin]

I believe the intent was that once you turned voting off you shouldn't turn it back on, so they never wrote that into the scripts or considered it.

It may take a while to fix it.

 

[Whispersecret]

Thank you dear lady,
for your critique,and your comments.

It was so refreshing to see no sarcasm or cutting comments.
i hear what you say, and take note.

You're welcome. I'll admit, I thought you were gonna freak out.

 

[Ded Poet]

is this legal?

Well there's a bug so we can't vote on the new number one, but Risiaskye also occupies the next two positions and those you can vote on, so what the hey, here's the current top o' the heap:


The Touch
by RisiaSkye ©

Your touch is foreign
previously only the stuff of dreams
but it sends a chill
through my spine,
and a rush of need
into my body.
I forget all but the moment--
there is nothing but now.
Our lips touch,
your hands move
our bodies intertwine
and I am lost in eternity.
The forbidden touch,
the midnight release
takes control
and I am your willing prisoner.
Together we descend,
ascend,
fallen together
closer every second
to the one instance of ecstasy
in the bondage
of release.

It looks like we've got a succubus in the house, but it's unclear how he or she got in (through the bathroom window, perhaps?).
L2, 'the stuff of dreams' is...how shall we say...less than dreamy.

I am lost in eternity.
The forbidden touch,
the midnight release

I confess I'm not feeling this, particularly with the repetition of 'release' in the last line.

Everything seemed just kinda hazy and vague...there was no tension to explain or depict the 'bondage'.

Still, you don't get to number one by accident. I definitely dig RisiaSky's stuff in general. This one just didn't do it for me.

Write on,
DP

 

[tigerjen]

After reading here.....my thoughts....

RisiaSkye wrote:
Weeks ago, I turned off the voting on many of my older poems
as a few people complained that the high percentage of older works
on the list were keeping newer poets from appearing there. Now, I've
turned them back on, as the attempts by myself and others to make
the Toplist more inclusive and cede the spotlight seems to have led
only to even more in-fighting and glory-hounding than there was
before. I can't say that I've been impressed by the focus on writing
and poetry discussion that I've been seeing here; I guess I would
call this my passive protest.


After tracking the discussion on this thread over the past days,
I decided to put my say in here. Yes, I am one of those "older poets"
who turned off a good portion of their poems to make room for the
newer ones, but yet, I did not turn my voting option on those poems
back on. Upon reading what RisiaSkye wrote in her post (as mentioned
above), I'm afraid I'll have to agree with her point on us "oldies"
attempting to make the toplist "more inclusive" to the newer folks seems
to have led to more fighting, etc. I don't know what else to think, but
until something is done about the toplist (I had suggested that it be
expanded to more than 100 entries like the stories are), I am keeping
the voting option turned off on my older poems.......I don't see any point
in turning it back on right now, and if I did......I know I'd be spanked

May I take this time to say that one newer member, Cyberguy, had posted
up a thread, "Buried Treasure" (as many of you know) not too long ago,
and I think its a great venue for showing poems that exist up on Lit, but
yet, have not even made the toplist at all.....yes, we can take the easy
way out and look at the new poems list (a good thing), but yet, with
the help of a fellow member, can "go back" and read/give feedback/vote
on poems that have been on here for ages but haven't made the required
number of votes to make the toplist. I encourage everyone to check this
thread out if they have not already. I commend Cyberguy for taking the
initiative for "digging up Buried Treasure".....because not only we'll get the
opportunity to view poems, but also get exposed to poets that we've
never heard of.......

That's my piece for now.........more later.......

tigerjen

 

[KillerMuffin]

I turn all mine back on and clog up the lists, but my mean score is 2.31 so the only lists I'd clog up are the underlists.

 

[WickedEve]

Just to make it clear...

On an earlier post on this thread, I mentioned turing back on voting. I turned voting back on for one of my NEW poems. I got carried away and turned the voting off by mistake. lol

And tj, I saw Cyberguy's thread on buried treasures. That is a good thread. I need to see if I can dig up some treasure later and post it there.

WE

 

[Blue Dolphin]

votes reducing

this is for Laurel i suppose.
Nut
can someone tell me how it is possible, for the number of votes a poem has to reduce.
not once, but twice??????????????????/
P

 

[daughter]

pleasure u

In all respect, can you please stop hijacking this thread? If you suspect this is a question for Laurel why are you posting this here?

The voting numbers are likely changing because when there are complaints of fraud, one of the ways to correct it is to eliminate abberations in the votes. The system will dump these votes in an effort to reflect a truer voting activity.

tigerjen,

You enjoy promoting. Why not take ownership of that thread and post a few comments about each poem? How many times do I have to say that simply listing the poems isn't generating interest?

There are plenty of ways to support the forum. Pick a way you enjoy and commit to it. jen, we haven't seen you in"Name That Poet" or "Poetry Trivia", or comment/congratulate a poet on the write up they received in "Holding Poems Up". Create a new activity besides posting a link to something.

Thanks.

Peace,

daughter

 

[KillerMuffin]

The system looks for IP numbers that indicate voter fraud. So does Laurel. When she finds that sort of thing the votes are deleted, so the vote totals go down.

There's a lot of voter fraud in the poetry lists. You probably got caught voting yourself up or something.

I think that you should turn off all voting on all your poems. You'll not only feel better you'll quit acting like Literotica is a day care for your poetic sensibilities. I haven't seen this many concentrated temper tantrums since the big brouhaha over criticism.

Is it just me or is anyone else disgusted by this dolt's hijacking of this thread because he doesn't like to be criticized and because he isn't dominating the top lists?

 

[smithpeter]

may enforce a self inflicted 'time out'

I don't know about yall, but, I am personally taking up too much time in my life keeping track of what is happening on these forums.

 

[WickedEve]

Is it just me or is anyone else disgusted by this dolt's hijacking of this thread because he doesn't like to be criticized and because he isn't dominating the top lists?

Well, a couple of days ago, I posted on this thread and asked nicely if he could start his own thread on this topic. But "Wicked Eve Nice" isn't working. Maybe it's KILLER MUFFIN TIME! lol

I don't know about yall, but, I am personally taking up too much time in my life keeping track of what is happening on these forums.

We need a thread that lists the highlights of the week! lol

 

[Whispersecret]

I'd do it, Eve, but I'm afraid my bias would show.

Example:

"Doofus newbie whines about the cruel and unusual rules of the Third Olympic Poetry event."

Er, yeah. I don't think I should be the one to do it.

 

[Ded Poet]

where were we...

Passionate Request
by WhisperingWinds ©

The wait of an eternity until the sound of your voice.
So much brighter is the room for the sparkle in your eye.
My body's heat rises under your hand's caress.
At the touch of your lips I become more than I was.

Melting to become clay taking shape from your design.
Free flowing movement to please and be pleased.
Constant becomes the ache only you may ease.
To look at me is to know that I am yours.

I am a vessel created to be filled.
I an an instrument waiting to be played.
I am a flower opening into bloom.
I am a sun producing heat to burn you.

Touch me and be touched as the world stands still.
Surround yourself within me and together we may soar.
Talk to me and listen as we are igniting a flame.
Surrender as orgasm consumes our souls.

So much of a dance where we both lead and follow.
Give all of yourself or regret leaves you hollow.
Please make love to me.
The time is at hand.

The miracle lies not only in the amount of times I can feel this way, but
also in the moments without time I receive as an answer. Share with me.


I like the 'I ams':
I am a vessel created to be filled.
I an an instrument waiting to be played.
I am a flower opening into bloom.
I am a sun producing heat to burn you.

And the last sanza, although not entirely clear to me, is moving, but on the whole this one kind of lost me. I don't think making each line a sentence works--maybe this one would be better without punctuation? I don't know. All I know is this is what this thread is 'sposed to be about.


DP

 

[Whispersecret]

Re: where were we...

Passionate Request
by WhisperingWinds ©

The wait of an eternity until the sound of your voice.
So much brighter is the room for the sparkle in your eye.
My body's heat rises under your hand's caress.
At the touch of your lips I become more than I was.

I like the last line of this stanza.

Melting to become clay taking shape from your design.
Free flowing movement to please and be pleased.
Constant becomes the ache only you may ease.
To look at me is to know that I am yours.

I also like this stanza, especially the first line. Original.

I am a vessel created to be filled.
I an an instrument waiting to be played.
I am a flower opening into bloom.
I am a sun producing heat to burn you.

DP, I know you liked the "I am's," but I thought they were a bit cliche. The idea is good, but perhaps the poet could have chosen some metaphors that are fresher. (There's a typo in the second line.)

Touch me and be touched as the world stands still.
Surround yourself within me and together we may soar.
Talk to me and listen as we are igniting a flame.
Surrender as orgasm consumes our souls.

Again, some cliche ideas here...soaring, the world standing still, flames, and consumed souls.

So much of a dance where we both lead and follow.
Give all of yourself or regret leaves you hollow.
Please make love to me.
The time is at hand.

I like the idea of a dance where both are leading and following, but the weird use of rhyme here, but nowhere else in the poem, is strange.

The miracle lies not only in the amount of times I can feel this way, but
also in the moments without time I receive as an answer. Share with me.

I also liked the sentiment behind this last part, but wonder at the change in formatting.