The Queernesss Thread

[KoPilot]

And that's about the best explanation I've ever seen of it.

Thanks, everyone. Y'all for real did make me feel better.

Yay, glad it helped!

You might be interested in reading up on some "relationship anarchist" perspectives too.

--

So, wow, jesus christ the past few days have been absolutely nuts.

Yes I came out to my mom about being trans, and she was completely accepting. I told her that I didn't want any way that she treated me to change at all (so far, I may feel differently later) so I think that helped. It was basically like "ok that's cool, can we go get some beer now?"

S and I also came to the realization that we might benefit from opening up our relationship a wee bit. I gave him my enthusiastic blessing on finding a camgirl he jives with on My Girl Fund, much to my own surprise. I guess I figured out that I'd rather have him interacting with a real person than just watching vids all the time. Especially if she's nice and understands his situation.

Asked him how he'd feel if I got to have an equivalent opening up, and he wasn't so keen on it. Said I could bottom for women if I wanted to, but that he'd want to be present if it were a guy. (Present and, probably, learning from him too lol.) I summarily discovered how much I liked the idea of both him AND an experienced D going at me together. Non-sexually for the D of course.

But yeah, sez he'd like to call the shots when it came to my extramarital relations. I am 100% ok with this.

 

[KoPilot]

So. Sexual revelations are not usually trustworthy. but a dear dear friend of mine (I consider her my sister) just linked me to an actual definition of "demisexual".
http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Demisexual

This just feels so spot-on. It may be my absinthe-bourbon concoctions talking (Sazeracs are the shit, btw), but at least the big part of this just reads so right.

But so do some horoscopes. In the end, I feel like most labels are a bit limiting (my friend even said she'd only "label" me as demisexual on 'pain of death'), but this just feels right when I think about it.

Because, end of the day, is regardless to my aversion to skinfolds, I think I would really enjoy sex with a woman I loved. Just like I really enjoy sex with my male partner, in spite of his stinky man parts. (Record: not that stinky most days, but boys ewwww )

Anyway. That's tonight's drunken relevation. hope everyone has a good day

Bwahahaha... another one for the ace-spectrum fold.

 

[Allyourbase]

Random blurt:

ARGH.

I wish this one friend of ours had not found the kink scene.

She's unpredictable, she, apparently, triggers pretty serious trust issues in me by being unexpectedly tactless and harsh when she lets her nice-girl guard down. I don't feel at ease around her, unsafe at a basic level. But she's the long time partner of one of our long time friends. (I have no issues with him.)

So I've been away for a year, and now she and her guy are everywhere in the kink scene. They are some kind of social machine. A year and a half in, and they know everyone, travel to munches and parties in every city within their reach, sew their own corsets, build their own bdsm-furniture, and are now hosting and volunteering at the parties we visit. All of them. No joke. Oh hey and they've progressed to organizing their own play party. Would we like to come too? I have a fetlife feed full of her tits.

Two years ago, I remember her telling me that, to each their own, but kink really was very much not her thing. ??!!

Fuckin' hell. I hate myself for hating this, it's childish, and very probably just silly, stupid envy about that things are smooth for them while they've been rough for us. Which I don't understand, because shouldn't I be happy for them? Anyway, I will just have to suck it up and deal, because they're not going away, and she probably won't convince me she's harmless. It's either that, or give in to my panic and, well, leave the scene.

My partner thinks it's awkward as well, but he doesn't get triggered the way I do. To the extent that I had, and tried to hide, a weird kind of panic attack the first time they showed up on the play party we always visit in our city. It's been years since I had one like that. Seriously, I have no idea what's going on, why that happened, but it did . I might have to find a shrink again, I think some having-been-bullied-issues-nerve has been laid bare?!

Also, there is almost no one I can even tell this to besides you guys, because most people don't know I'm kinky, and the ones that do, are by now friends with them too. Argh. I can't escape! And I don't know how to fix myself!

Some days I hate this brain. Sorry for the rant, guys.

THANK GOD THEY'RE NOT QUEER

 

[Allyourbase]

Yes I came out to my mom about being trans, and she was completely accepting. [...] S and I also came to the realization that we might benefit from opening up our relationship a wee bit.

Yay and yay! That IS pretty nuts! Hows that coming along?

 

[KoPilot]

Random blurt:

ARGH.

I wish this one friend of ours had not found the kink scene.

She's unpredictable, she, apparently, triggers pretty serious trust issues in me by being unexpectedly tactless and harsh when she lets her nice-girl guard down. I don't feel at ease around her, unsafe at a basic level. But she's the long time partner of one of our long time friends. (I have no issues with him.)

So I've been away for a year, and now she and her guy are everywhere in the kink scene. They are some kind of social machine. A year and a half in, and they know everyone, travel to munches and parties in every city within their reach, sew their own corsets, build their own bdsm-furniture, and are now hosting and volunteering at the parties we visit. All of them. No joke. Oh hey and they've progressed to organizing their own play party. Would we like to come too? I have a fetlife feed full of her tits.

Two years ago, I remember her telling me that, to each their own, but kink really was very much not her thing. ??!!

Fuckin' hell. I hate myself for hating this, it's childish, and very probably just silly, stupid envy about that things are smooth for them while they've been rough for us. Which I don't understand, because shouldn't I be happy for them? Anyway, I will just have to suck it up and deal, because they're not going away, and she probably won't convince me she's harmless. It's either that, or give in to my panic and, well, leave the scene.

My partner thinks it's awkward as well, but he doesn't get triggered the way I do. To the extent that I had, and tried to hide, a weird kind of panic attack the first time they showed up on the play party we always visit in our city. It's been years since I had one like that. Seriously, I have no idea what's going on, why that happened, but it did . I might have to find a shrink again, I think some having-been-bullied-issues-nerve has been laid bare?!

Also, there is almost no one I can even tell this to besides you guys, because most people don't know I'm kinky, and the ones that do, are by now friends with them too. Argh. I can't escape! And I don't know how to fix myself!

Some days I hate this brain. Sorry for the rant, guys.

THANK GOD THEY'RE NOT QUEER

Duuuuuude that sucks D:

I mean yeah, irritating at best, but panic attacks?? No bueno! :\

Yay and yay! That IS pretty nuts! Hows that coming along?

It's going good! My mom isn't treating me any differently, which is just how I want it right now. She hasn't asked a single question, though, so I may send her a link or two about the concept of genderlessness or being agender/neutrois.

As far as the opening up thing, it's going great! I never thought I'd be this... ecstatic about us. Like, I just feel at the top of the world with him right now. We're just so awesome. (We had one of our most fun phone conversations last night than we've had in a long time.) He's going to stick to cam girls because I don't believe he's interested in anything IRL? Which is fine with me, easier to find someone that's sympathetic to the both of us that way I feel. And he thinks he may have found someone already.

He's been talking with a gal in Australia who insists on chatting before camming, and who seems amazed at the very idea of what we're doing with our relationship now. He also told her that I'm ace and trans, and I guess once he said that she IMMEDIATELY started using neutral pronouns to refer to me. She also said that her best friend transitioned recently and he's thinking he might want to talk to her about what that's like too from a supporter's POV.

Anyways, I'm just kind of blown at how fast and smooth things are progressing, and the fact that he's met this awesome lady already that is totally 100% on board with being something of a third wheel and supporting the both of us via him. It's a very sweet thing and it just makes me really warm and fuzzy inside.

 

[Bramblethorn]

My partner thinks it's awkward as well, but he doesn't get triggered the way I do. To the extent that I had, and tried to hide, a weird kind of panic attack the first time they showed up on the play party we always visit in our city. It's been years since I had one like that. Seriously, I have no idea what's going on, why that happened, but it did . I might have to find a shrink again, I think some having-been-bullied-issues-nerve has been laid bare?!

Also, there is almost no one I can even tell this to besides you guys, because most people don't know I'm kinky, and the ones that do, are by now friends with them too. Argh. I can't escape! And I don't know how to fix myself!

Some days I hate this brain. Sorry for the rant, guys.

Aw, I can kinda relate to that :-/ I've been avoiding contact with somebody for reasons that are about 5% "things she actually did" and 95% "stuff probably-not-of-her-doing which happened to involve her", and it got to the point where just being in contact with her was stressing me out.

The really annoying thing? Somebody seems to have hacked her Gmail and Twitter, and every so often I get a message notification from her. Whereupon my glands say "hey it's almost certainly a random scam message just like the last five times, but just in case it's not, let's flood your body with adrenaline and make you feel a little sick!"

Stupid headmeats.

 

[Allyourbase]

Duuuuuude that sucks D:

I mean yeah, irritating at best, but panic attacks?? No bueno! :\

No bueno right?! :X And now my partner's all anxious it will happen again, because I treated him pretty shitty that night.

Of course they also, quite publicly, opened up their relationship a week ago, and, without knowing/having picked up on that we had experimented with that too, started giving me advice on how to do that.

*FACEPALM*
*bites hand*

We're just so awesome.

SO CUTE.

He's been talking with a gal in Australia who insists on chatting before camming, and who seems amazed at the very idea of what we're doing with our relationship now. He also told her that I'm ace and trans, and I guess once he said that she IMMEDIATELY started using neutral pronouns to refer to me. She also said that her best friend transitioned recently and he's thinking he might want to talk to her about what that's like too from a supporter's POV.

That is really unexpected, and pretty good. Would you expect to talk to her at some point in the future too? She sounds pretty supportive.

 

[Allyourbase]

Aw, I can kinda relate to that :-/ I've been avoiding contact with somebody for reasons that are about 5% "things she actually did" and 95% "stuff probably-not-of-her-doing which happened to involve her", and it got to the point where just being in contact with her was stressing me out.

The really annoying thing? Somebody seems to have hacked her Gmail and Twitter, and every so often I get a message notification from her. Whereupon my glands say "hey it's almost certainly a random scam message just like the last five times, but just in case it's not, let's flood your body with adrenaline and make you feel a little sick!"

Stupid headmeats.

Oh thank you, I'm not alone! :/ :/ :/

It's weird, isn't it, that your body/brain just sort of decides to make you feel sick for no apparent reason whatsoever. What the fuck is it that lets that loop until it gets out of control? Is that that complex-ptsd thing people sometimes talk about?

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Oh thank you, I'm not alone! :/ :/ :/

It's weird, isn't it, that your body/brain just sort of decides to make you feel sick for no apparent reason whatsoever. What the fuck is it that lets that loop until it gets out of control? Is that that complex-ptsd thing people sometimes talk about?

I've never had this happen to me to such a degree, but it sounds really frustrating!! Particularly since "that person" essentially just barged into what was yours while you weren't looking. Kind of like someone you don't quite trust that just walks into your house party and steals all your friends and you're just like "what."

 

[Allyourbase]

I've never had this happen to me to such a degree, but it sounds really frustrating!! Particularly since "that person" essentially just barged into what was yours while you weren't looking. Kind of like someone you don't quite trust that just walks into your house party and steals all your friends and you're just like "what."

That is exactly how it feels! Which is ridiculous, because nothing was mine to begin with?! The rational part of my brain is going: 'dude who the hell do you think you are with your 'i don't want her there', you don't own the scene, you ass.' And its probably full of people I don't like already. Only difference: I don't have to like them. Her, I'm sort of obliged to.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Oh thank you, I'm not alone! :/ :/ :/

It's weird, isn't it, that your body/brain just sort of decides to make you feel sick for no apparent reason whatsoever. What the fuck is it that lets that loop until it gets out of control? Is that that complex-ptsd thing people sometimes talk about?

I wouldn't call what I get PTSD, it's milder than that, but maybe some of the same mechanisms involved. Something under the umbrella of "anxiety", I guess.

Mostly it's just a few minutes of feeling icky, but when it really gets triggered it feels just like coming down with a fever - that jittery shivery "can't get warm" feeling.

 

[Allyourbase]

I wouldn't call what I get PTSD, it's milder than that, but maybe some of the same mechanisms involved. Something under the umbrella of "anxiety", I guess.

Mostly it's just a few minutes of feeling icky, but when it really gets triggered it feels just like coming down with a fever - that jittery shivery "can't get warm" feeling.

I had quite some treatment for anxiety issues. I'm pretty neurotypical these days, I'd say. But apparently there's some pockets of shit still in there. It'd be nice if they weren't right in the middle of my hobby. But what can you do.

 

[Allyourbase]

Oh my god, look at this!

http://butchbaby.co/

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm thinking about writing a less angry version of this article;
http://everydayfeminism.com/2014/10/ignore-gender-pronouns/


Experience has shown me that most people won't listen to anything the first time they hear it-- but most people really won't listen to anger and disgust ever. That's a profound discovery, for me.

 

[KoPilot]

I think PCOS might be responsible for a good chunk of my feeling trans and a lot of my old dysphoria that I don't have much anymore.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I'm thinking about writing a less angry version of this article;
http://everydayfeminism.com/2014/10/ignore-gender-pronouns/


Experience has shown me that most people won't listen to anything the first time they hear it-- but most people really won't listen to anger and disgust ever. That's a profound discovery, for me.

Do you think it was too angry for some?

I think PCOS might be responsible for a good chunk of my feeling trans and a lot of my old dysphoria that I don't have much anymore.

It does have a great impact on life. For me it seems like I discover something new about how it affects me all the time.

 

[Allyourbase]

Random blurt: we're dating a girl. And she respects my gender.

LIFE IS SO WEIRD

 

[AnEnglishmanWrites]

Lit needs a "favourite" button...

Note: Our society has become very enamored of the concept of Dom and Sub. Many people come into the lifestyle without ever hearing that any other dynamic can exist, which is why I have written this little essay. I do not wish to give the impression that you or anyone else are restricted to one or another of the roles I have described here. My reason for writing it, in fact, is exactly the opposite-- to show that there are more roles and motivations within BDSM than are commonly recognised.

I don't want to give the impression that any role is solid or permanent. There is a lot of fluidity in most people. Needs and desires change and mutate over a lifetime, within a relationship, for any reason or none. And motives, methods, preferences can be mixed together.


----
Many people know what they want to feel, and how they want to feel it, and many people get a lot of pleasure out of providing sensation for someone else. This kind of dynamic is widely misunderstood in current BDSM parlance.

Let me start with a handful of Definitions;

This, as someone recently pointed out to me, is not a definition included in Webster's dictionary. But the way I am using "top" and "bottom" here has been common since the seventies. I swear it! Long before I ever heard "submissive" and dominant" there was "top and bottom." Google agrees with me, so there.

Topping and bottoming refer to relative roles in activities. Dom and sub refer to relative roles in relationships.

When two people are fucking, there is usually one person who is active and one who is receptive. In SM activities, one person is doing unto, and one is being done unto. The active person is the top, the receptive person is the bottom.

Dominant and submissive refer to relative status. Also, for many people, the motivations behind many relational activities.

In the relationships that we define as D/s, one person's preferences and desires define the relationship, and the other person allows the relationship to be defined by their partner. We say the sub has given their power to the dom.

For our purposes here, we can say that topping and bottoming are the things we do, dom and sub are how or why we do those things.


------


Why are these distinctions important to you?

The big problem that arises from this misunderstanding and the resulting social expectations, is that people-- women in particular-- believe that they want to be submissive and owned because of their desire for sensation when what they really want is to have a whole lot of attention paid to them. And when a service top-- whose real intent is to serve-- thinks that he has to be the boss in all things, when in fact he might not be suited for that role at all.

Many people come into the lifestyle thinking that anyone who does unto, is dominant. Anyone who receives, is submissive. That's not always true; Not all tops are doms. Likewise, not all bottoms are subs.

Folks who know how they want to be done are often called "Bossy bottoms," or SAM's ("Smart Ass Masochists") or "Pillow Princesses" or other things, but they they might actually be "Dominant Bottoms." They might not be submissive at all, in other words. And really, there is no reason why they should try to be.

Tops who *want to provide* what such a person *wants to feel* get told that they are wimps, or not really Doms-- and in fact, they might not consider themselves to be dominant. They can call themselves "Service Tops," and IMO, that's a mighty fine and honorable position to claim. An active partner might not be suited to be the boss. If not, then there is no reason why they should try to be.


If you want more information on what kinds of things can happen in BDSM, I recommend these books, All four of them are 'old' these days, and pretty much every other book about BSM is a repeat of what is in these books.

They are;
The New Topping Book
The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
SM 101; A realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

They can be found at Amazon or ordered from your local independent bookseller.

This is a first-rate essay, including bibliography even. Magnificent.

And I like the Plini in your sig.

 

[Allyourbase]

Random poke here.

My life's become weird and wonderful - my significant other is dating, and it's incredibly interesting as to the effects on his self esteem.

How y'all doin?

 

[KoPilot]

Random poke here.

My life's become weird and wonderful - my significant other is dating, and it's incredibly interesting as to the effects on his self esteem.

How y'all doin?

That's great!

I'm fine; zilch going on on the "queer front" for me, but lots of other exciting things. I'm moving to Cascadia, I've signed on with a webcomic publisher, and I may be signing a small book deal for translating my book into Japanese and selling it in Japan. After realizing this past year that I can very comfortably live off a poverty-level income, the prospect of earning a trickle of money for what I'm already doing is extremely exciting and liberating to me. More time to travel, meet others, and organize!

Let's see what else... oh, hubs and I were in Seattle this past weekend for ECCC, and one afternoon we discovered a sex shop a few blocks from where we were staying that had, get this, stuff for more than just het people and couples. Like, half the store was dedicated to gay and leather stuff, it was amazing. And then of course we stumbled across a Babeland too, which I've never been into-- lots of trans-friendly products. I've never felt more comfortable in a a sex shop than I have in those; most of the time I feel completely alienated by 95% of what most of them have.