The truth about Jen

[cymbidia]

Sometimes life hurts, Dusty. Sometimes we want to rage and scream and hurt ourselves or someone else because life hurts almost too badly to be borne.

You're living with opened eyes now, in your life, and because of that, you'll have to deal with things you don't want to see (or know or taste or feel or touch) cuz, darlin', life isn't all rainbows and happiness all the time for any of us.

But you're strong, Dusty; i heard that in your voice when we talked about this on the phone. You've come through much worse then this in your life already. You've already got an appreciation for how bad life can be - and you know, too, how it will always rise, with grace, to be shiveringly good again.

The truth is always better then a lie, no matter how good the lie makes you feel.

I'm sorry for your pain.

It will get better, though, incrementally, day by day, in small ways that aren't yet measureable - it will get better. You'll walk on, calm and centered in the knowledge that you did no harm, that you were honest and that you deserve someone who can be to you what you tried to be to one who didn't deserve your essential reality.

My thoughts are with you, Dusty.

 

[april-wine]

Dusty I have already mentioned this but I think you need to see it again....I have known this person for better than 2 years now, I have spent many hours on the phone with her....You were NOT the only one fooled by this person....

I just figured out a little earlier that things didn't seem quite right....I am sorry you are hurting....But you will survive this....There will always be a Jenj/Jessy, it's the bad part of the web....Remember there are many good parts and many of them posted to this thread....

Lean on your friends here......

Be strong.....april

 

[Cirrus]

Dusty, I'm sorry. You're showing remarkable strength throught this tough time, though, and that will get you through. The hurt is temporary. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but it is.

I went through something similar myself, and someone very special asked me this question: Was the time between the beginning and the end worth nothing? He was right...I was so wrapped up in the pain and the bitterness of how it ended that I had forgotten the enjoyable times before that. I'm sorry that Jen has hurt you so terribly...but you were very happy before this point. Try to hold onto that positivity and the strength you gained because of it.

My best wishes to you, and PM if you need an ear.

 

[SexySusan]

(((huggggs))))

Dusty, I'm so sorry things went so awfully wrong. I know from your posts you've had enough hardship in your life, and sure deserve some happiness, not sadness. If life were just, you should be in a good place now, by all means. But we can't always decide which road we have to travel...
Please try not to ask yourself if it was your fault in any way. It wasn't. It was life, teaching you one of its crueller lessons.
My heart bleeds for your pain. I would cut off my finger if that could make you hurt less.
But I know that you are strong, stronger than most. One day, you will rise and shine, pretty one, and that will be a great day for all of us too.

Susan

 

[Skally]

Dusty - I read of your story and I think you are *so* strong.

You have so much strength and I know that you'll come through this - as you can see, you have everyone's support here.

You are more than welcome to PM me if you want to talk.

 

[morninggirl5]

Dusty,

I said it in another thread, but you are amazing to me. You've shown such strength throughout this past week that i am in awe.

We are all here to support you, whatever you need.

It's probably not going to mean much right now, but Nora is exactly right. Save her post for that time two weeks or a month from now that you need to be propped up.

mg

 

[SpectreT]

Late as usual.

Dusty.

I dunno if you're religious or not, but a good friend of mine (who happens to be an older Jewish lady) told me two things while I was in the middle of a major depressive episode last year:

1) God never hands you anything you can't hold.

2) Everything always works out perfectly.

Everybody else here has remarked on your growth and your strength. Times like these are what that strength is for.

Know, always, that we care. Know that we're here to vent to. Sometimes just the act of typing it all out helps to expiate the pain, especially if you know someone else is going to be reading it.

That said, I've also got a nice replica claymore, and I'm strong enough to wield it one-handed. Any trolls here that need slaying?

 

[navarre]

Dusty,

I can only shake my head in sadness at the deception some people foster.

As others have said, you are strong and you will survive. Might be a tad difficult, but you will survive.

You have my thoughts and best wishes.

 

[MzChrista]

Dusty baby, I know you gotta be hurting bad, but look at what all people are saying here. They are some smart bunch and they think you are A1. Remember that when you feel your worst. All us cant be dumbasses, so that makes you some cool beans.

 

[DustyWolfe]

My heart and head are so confused at this moment... I want to thank you all for your kind words and support. I've hardly shed a tear since I found out the truth last night. I ranted and cried to her for the better part of the evening but now I think I'm still in shock and a bit numb. I cried a bit this afternoon when the realization that I am no longer a mommy hit me.

I was attached to children that were never born. It makes me feel a bit crazy.

You all have been very kind to me and I know I will read over everyone's words over and over again. Moreso as the reality of this hits me. I don't think that it has quite yet.

I must say this... I don't hate "Jen" I never will. She was a life saver for me and my best friend as well as my soul mate. I want to hate her but I can't. She will always hold a portion of my heart and great deal of my love. There's no way I can shut my feelings off after all that we went through together.

I honestly don't think you fake love... I felt very loved when I was with her. And I am thankful that she showed me what true love is.

 

[mskittykatt]

My heart and head are so confused at this moment... I want to thank you all for your kind words and support. I've hardly shed a tear since I found out the truth last night. I ranted and cried to her for the better part of the evening but now I think I'm still in shock and a bit numb. I cried a bit this afternoon when the realization that I am no longer a mommy hit me.

Dusty,
the fact that 'these children were never born' doesn't make you crazy at all. it makes you a caring individual who is mourning the loss of her children. i have an experiance which i won't pretend is similar, where i went through a lot of the feelings you must have around that particular part of this situation. i will share it with you if you like. your feelings, and grief are valid and real.
and,

I honestly don't think you fake love... I felt very loved when I was with her. And I am thankful that she showed me what true love is.

she *did* come into your life at a time when you really needed her - and did what sounds like wonderful things for you in the process of your relationship (whatever it is classified as after the fact - doesn't matter) hold onto the good things (the love you shared) and let it empower you to move forward. it may seem the hardest thing in the moment but if you're not moving forward you're stagnant or moving backwards, and you deserve the brightest future you can build for yourself. we'll be here for you each step of the way! *hugs*

 

[DRxBlue]

Ooohhh...DUSTY!

That was beautiful! There is a long held belief among poets, songwriters, blues musicians and other creative people, that great suffering is the fuel that fires the machinery of creation.

All the best of all creative endeavors are related closely to personal hardship and loss by the artist.

You may actually come to treasure this awful experience someday, in a strange but real way. You seem to have already opened your eyes to the kind of awareness that comes from the clarity of pain.

i have been there. In 1976 i went through an experience eerily similar to yours, in some ways, and since then ALL that i have learned and done has been related to what i learned during that crashing realization that i had been tricked, and the world i had expected to live in was "just a dream i had".

It made me a stronger, wiser, more compassionate person than i EVER could have been.

Living is WORTH the pain,
After all these years, i know that,
Be strong as you can, keep getting up,
You won't regret it,

Blue

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

My apologies

~~~[small hijack]
Now, I've got a bone to pick:

I find this kind of statement sincerely offensive.

I don't flame and I don't censor or punish, but I will tell you this--> Be careful who you blanketly dismiss. Someday that "trailer trash" might just be teaching your college kids, writing your stories, running your board, and fueling your fantasies--just like me.

~~~[/hijack]

~~~~~[another hijacking]
I would formally like to apologize to the the respected members of this thread. My flame was in no way meant to dismiss any member of this thread. It was made in the "heat of the moment" and for that I am sincerly sorry. I have little tolerance for those who make fun of someone's pain and suffering. Please know that I am not a flamer and am generally considerate of other's feelings. (most of the time it seems )~~~~~[/hijack]

Dusty, I pray that you know as well; I wish only the best for you. Even though we aren't on familar terms, doesn't mean I can't empathize with your circumstances.

-k-

 

[CarolineOh]

My heart and head are so confused at this moment... I want to thank you all for your kind words and support. I've hardly shed a tear since I found out the truth last night. I ranted and cried to her for the better part of the evening but now I think I'm still in shock and a bit numb. I cried a bit this afternoon when the realization that I am no longer a mommy hit me.

I was attached to children that were never born. It makes me feel a bit crazy.

You all have been very kind to me and I know I will read over everyone's words over and over again. Moreso as the reality of this hits me. I don't think that it has quite yet.

I must say this... I don't hate "Jen" I never will. She was a life saver for me and my best friend as well as my soul mate. I want to hate her but I can't. She will always hold a portion of my heart and great deal of my love. There's no way I can shut my feelings off after all that we went through together.

I honestly don't think you fake love... I felt very loved when I was with her. And I am thankful that she showed me what true love is.

Sweetheart, remember tat there is no right way or wrong way for you to feel about any of this. Of course, you loved her and you loved the dreams you had for your future. You do not need to reject that love in order to move on, because it is a part of you, and it honors you.

 

[lorddragonwolf]

dusty nothing we say can truly take the pain away. it is good to see that you are handling it. it will take time to heal. i am glade to see you dont hate her.

 

[Persephone36]

Dusty,

I wish you all the very, very best during this difficult time -- when your strength is being tested. I'm sure you will have moments when the pain is hard to be with -- but you are a survivor.

And survive you will.

You will love again too. Those who are capable of love are always able -- no matter how ridiculous it might feel to consider that now.

And do whatever you need to do to care for yourself right now. Never be afraid to reach out -- believe in the support your friends are offering.

Obviously there are so many people who believe in you -- I hope you believe in yourself as much as they do.



P.

 

[LordMagicMan]

Dusty,

I know things are hard now, and I hope you get what you need to stay here with us.

You may not realize it now, but you are and always will be a survivor. You where able to walk away once, you can do it agian.

One of life's favorite pass times is to throw things at us and see how we react. I'm glad you are strong and I'm glad I could be here in some respect for you. I've shown you the path I've traveled and the pain that it caused me, much the same my heart yearns for that again, but it could never be.

Stay strong and keep your head up, together we'll all help you pull through his.

I am your friend and will always be but a few mouseclicks away.

Stay strong and stay sweet,

LMM