the use of safe words

[catalina_francisco]

I agree that that is a posiblity. I know she mentioned that she started to flashback to a bad scene when she safeworded the first time. But we stoped that activity all together and did not do it again. Then she safeworded at a different time with the whole "I don't feel like it right now" attitude.

What bothers me most is that she won't talk to me about what happened. He and I have hung out together, gone shoping, done the whole girly thing, and talk about everything....except for this. Part of me wants to tell her how her tone made things sound disrespectful and like she was trying to run the scene. But the other part of me knows that if I do not do it in just the right way it will invalidate her feelings and I am desperately trying to avoid that.

this is why I don't top.

I applaud your patience with this when you must want answers and positive outcomes. I agree in part with what Netzach said, but it is also up to you to decide how much time you want to invest or not. It could be she doesn't know how to talk about what is happening for her, or is afraid to. Sometimes it takes a while to trust others if you have had bad experiences which have done everything but encourage trust. It can make people act flaky, agressive, nonchallant, scared, or any number of emotions as a means of defence. Whether you want to work with that if it is what is happening for her is going to be your call. It could also mean a lot of future work to help her reach a place of comfort, but I actually think you would be good at that if you felt it was worth the investment.

Catalina

 

[myinnerslut]

You'll have to excuse me today...I was using lit as a distraction and it didn't really work. I lost my beloved great dane Emma very unexpectedly when I found her dead sunday morning and I'm still heartbroken and in shock. So my defenses are running very high :/

i am so sorry. {hug}

 

[Netzach]

Seri, I'm really sorry about Emma, checked your journal for more about it. I know other people who have lost a Dane really young probably for similar reasons. Hugs to you.

 

[the captians wench]

I applaud your patience with this when you must want answers and positive outcomes. I agree in part with what Netzach said, but it is also up to you to decide how much time you want to invest or not. It could be she doesn't know how to talk about what is happening for her, or is afraid to. Sometimes it takes a while to trust others if you have had bad experiences which have done everything but encourage trust. It can make people act flaky, agressive, nonchallant, scared, or any number of emotions as a means of defence. Whether you want to work with that if it is what is happening for her is going to be your call. It could also mean a lot of future work to help her reach a place of comfort, but I actually think you would be good at that if you felt it was worth the investment.

Catalina

we have so much incommon, including some tramatic events in our past. The difference is I have always had very positive people in my life, whether I realized they were or not, and very suportive of me. She has not had these positive influences, so I know that's part of what scares her off. She's usually so open, which is another reason why this frusterates me. I know I haven't known her long, but we've really bonded and she's so much like a sister to me now. But if she refuses to talk when things go wrong, there may be no other choice but to cut ties.

 

[catalina_francisco]

we have so much incommon, including some tramatic events in our past. The difference is I have always had very positive people in my life, whether I realized they were or not, and very suportive of me. She has not had these positive influences, so I know that's part of what scares her off. She's usually so open, which is another reason why this frusterates me. I know I haven't known her long, but we've really bonded and she's so much like a sister to me now. But if she refuses to talk when things go wrong, there may be no other choice but to cut ties.

If you feel you have bonded so well in all other ways, give it some time, let her know you are there to listen then leave it to her and she may due to the offer without pressure come to a place when she feels ready and able to open up to you more. It probably won't happen overnight, but sometimes giving someone an opportunity and then not pushing anymore is enough to build their trust enough to be able to talk.

Catalina

 

[Marquis]

I haven't read this whole thread, so excuse me if I've missed any important details.

In my opinion, expecting someone you're playing with to feel guilty over safewording is pretty shitty, something akin to pleading, "you're gonna give me blue balls!"

Disregarding obvious signs of discomfort in a play partner is a pretty quick way to keep that person from playing with you in the future, which is fine if that's what you want.

Not that pushing limits or even trying to intentionally elicit a safeword is always a bad thing, but it doesn't sound like your relationship with this person was built on the kind of firm stuff needed to support that kind of edgy play.

 

[the captians wench]

I haven't read this whole thread, so excuse me if I've missed any important details.

In my opinion, expecting someone you're playing with to feel guilty over safewording is pretty shitty, something akin to pleading, "you're gonna give me blue balls!"

Disregarding obvious signs of discomfort in a play partner is a pretty quick way to keep that person from playing with you in the future, which is fine if that's what you want.

Not that pushing limits or even trying to intentionally elicit a safeword is always a bad thing, but it doesn't sound like your relationship with this person was built on the kind of firm stuff needed to support that kind of edgy play.

My point was actually trying to avoid making her feel guilty about safewording, which is why I haven't expressed to her how I thought it sounded when she did it.

I am more trying to understand why she felt the need to, or if it was a need at all. I'm thinking now that she doesn't view a safeword as a safety net only to be used in extream cases, like I do, but more of a way out of something she just doesn't have an interest in doing at that moment, which screams toping from the bottom to me.

If that is the case that's fine and dandy for her, but not something I wish to condone. If that is not the case and she really felt indangered than I want to know why.

either way, the point of this thread was to understand how others view safewords, how they are used, and how they feel they should be used. Personally, I think I'm venturing more into the area where I no longer want a safeword.

 

[Andraste]

In my opinion, expecting someone you're playing with to feel guilty over safewording is pretty shitty, something akin to pleading, "you're gonna give me blue balls!"

and dangerous.

they might endure emotional damage or actual injury because they've been made to feel like safewording is a failure.

nice av!

 

[Marquis]

My point was actually trying to avoid making her feel guilty about safewording, which is why I haven't expressed to her how I thought it sounded when she did it.

I am more trying to understand why she felt the need to, or if it was a need at all. I'm thinking now that she doesn't view a safeword as a safety net only to be used in extream cases, like I do, but more of a way out of something she just doesn't have an interest in doing at that moment, which screams toping from the bottom to me.

If that is the case that's fine and dandy for her, but not something I wish to condone. If that is not the case and she really felt indangered than I want to know why.

either way, the point of this thread was to understand how others view safewords, how they are used, and how they feel they should be used. Personally, I think I'm venturing more into the area where I no longer want a safeword.

If you were playing with me, you'd want a safeword and you'd use it.

Sounds like she just wasn't that into the two of you, nothing more complicated than that.

 

[Andraste]

I am more trying to understand why she felt the need to, or if it was a need at all. I'm thinking now that she doesn't view a safeword as a safety net only to be used in extream cases, like I do, but more of a way out of something she just doesn't have an interest in doing at that moment, which screams toping from the bottom to me.

don't know if this is helpful...but...

when i'm really freaked out, sometimes i just can't show that fear & distress.
it's a basic, animal defence to do that...especially if the person feels out numbered.

so maybe she wasn't as calm and casual as she looked?

only she knows the answer to that one.
maybe she just doesn't get that it's deeper than just kinky sex *shrug*

 

[the captians wench]

If you were playing with me, you'd want a safeword and you'd use it.

Sounds like she just wasn't that into the two of you, nothing more complicated than that.

That just made me grin and cream all over.

And that very well could be, but ultimitly if we play again isn't up to me anyway, so I don't know why I'm getting so worked up about it in the first place.

 

[catalina_francisco]

And that very well could be, but ultimitly if we play again isn't up to me anyway, so I don't know why I'm getting so worked up about it in the first place.

Because you are human and you give a damn!!

Catalina

 

[Marquis]

I'm sorry, I just can't wrap my head around some of this D/s shit sometimes.

"topping from the bottom"

please

 

[Quint]

...........

 

[bobshortforkate]

I am more trying to understand why she felt the need to, or if it was a need at all. I'm thinking now that she doesn't view a safeword as a safety net only to be used in extream cases, like I do, but more of a way out of something she just doesn't have an interest in doing at that moment, which screams toping from the bottom to me.

Maybe she was in extreme distress emotionally.

When I get emotionally distressed in a scene I tend to appear calm and matter of fact. That's my coping mechanism kicking in. I'm not trying to get out of something because I don't like it, or topping from the bottom, but because emotionally I'm barely hanging on.

She admited that she knew that's what was going on, and she didn't like that.

Maybe she wasn't ready for it, resulting in emotional distress.

This all sounds like a miscommunication problem to me.

I guess what I'm really asking is what does a safeword mean to you. Is it a way to get out of something you don't like? or is it only used when you feel paniced? Or something different all together?

I safeword when I feel I need to. It means stop. NOW! I'm sorry to disappoint the dom, but if I just can't get into an activity I'm gonna safeword.

The idea is for us both to be having a good time, not just my dom. I want to please him, to be sure but I can't be pleasing while miserable.

 

[Andraste]

I safeword when I feel I need to. It means stop. NOW! I'm sorry to disappoint the dom, but if I just can't get into an activity I'm gonna safeword.

The idea is for us both to be having a good time, not just my dom. I want to please him, to be sure but I can't be pleasing while miserable.

i agreed with you up until this bit.

being a submissive is about submitting, no?

i'm as bratty as they come, i make my feelings about a situation known...but if he really wants to do something... aren't we there because we want to put his desires above our own?
emotional distress is not the same as not being able to get "into" something that day.

 

[bobshortforkate]

i agreed with you up until this bit.

being a submissive is about submitting, no?

i'm as bratty as they come, i make my feelings about a situation known...but if he really wants to do something... aren't we there because we want to put his desires above our own?
emotional distress is not the same as not being able to get "into" something that day.

I'm not bratty, not at all, but I'm not going to do something that makes me miserable in the bedroom. I had enough of doing that while married.

I want to please my dom, and outside of the bedroom he has 100% control. If he tells me to scrub the toilet then I do so no matter how miserable it makes me. But as far as the bedroom goes, we're both there to have fun. It's not a dom/sub situation when we have sex, and if we do play a bit in the bedroom, I'm going to safeword if I'm really, really, really not having a good time. I've only done it once. Otherwise I enjoy every kinky thing we incorperate into our sex life.

 

[Marquis]

being a submissive is about submitting, no?

It's that simple, eh?

You're a submissive, right?

Submit to me right now by saying I am your lord and shepherd.

 

[Andraste]

It's that simple, eh?

You're a submissive, right?

Submit to me right now by saying I am your lord and shepherd.

deja vu!

i guess i shouldn't assume that when people say "my dom" they mean an established relationship.
i wouldn't refer to them that way & submit to them until i knew them well enough to know we were well matched.
but that's not the method for everyone, i know.

sheep botherer?

 

[MsJ400]

My mate was given a safe word when we first met. And in our first few months of play he used it periodically as I increased the intensity.

But as time went on his tollerance increased, and my ability to read him improved and the safe word was heard less and less. It eventually stopped being heard altogether.

This gave birth to a new element in our play as I would occasionally tease him prior to play, telling him "I want to get at least two... or maybe three, mercy's out of you tonight!"

I love seeing him nervous when I strap him into position!
And it really does him some good too!

 

[Blushing Bottom]

There are many good and enlightened comments here.

...and wenchie thank-you for starting the thread.

As for me I have never used my safe word...almost once when a playmate was trying to fist me. He was able to tell it wasn't going to happen and stopped on his own. I did however learn on that day that fisting was a hard limit for me and remains as such today.