thinking about BDSM,,,

[Rrrosyn]

So, I bit the bullet and talked while we were out to dinner last night. I told him that while sometimes I do like the "we're in love, let's make love" stuff sometimes I do want to be roughed up, tied down, spanked, etc.

You are going to laugh - he drove strait to the sex shop and bought a flog, nipple clamps, and the like.

Last night I got tied up, flogged, spanked - not hard enough but, I told him afterward.

You were right that I needed to communicate. He said that sometimes I confused him about what was ok and what wasn't. I think some of you mentioned that you set "scenes" ahead of time so that you know that on that night it will be D/s sex and not the lovey-dovey stuff. Is that right?

I told him he should check out this section of lit for ideas. Any other cool websites would be appreciated.

well, anyway, thanks for the courage.

Sounds like that conversation went well!

It's good you tell him about the strength of his hits after the scene. Doing it during a scene can confuse him more. "Mmmph yes," is understandable. "Hey, harder and to the left," might make him feel he is just doing it all wrong.

You are right on with that! And seemed to enjoy it too.

 

[flowerchilde]

Hear hear! Allow me to voice support for this type of play. The lovey-dovey stuff is so powerful between us...it really feels - hmm, I have the same problem! I guess I could say it feels out of this world.

Ya, I have to say that I agree, but I couldn't put it into words either. hmmm...

 

[sojurner]

Thanks and another question

Glad to hear it! I had to have a similar conversation with my SO, he was totally down with it :

So, What does SO mean? I see you guys using D/s and I get that. Sorry for the dorky question.

Also, You are making me jealous with all the talk of loveydovey and tough love mixed. That sounds amazing.

Things to work towards...

 

[JamesSD]

So, I bit the bullet and talked while we were out to dinner last night. I told him that while sometimes I do like the "we're in love, let's make love" stuff sometimes I do want to be roughed up, tied down, spanked, etc.

You are going to laugh - he drove strait to the sex shop and bought a flog, nipple clamps, and the like.

Last night I got tied up, flogged, spanked - not hard enough but, I told him afterward.

You were right that I needed to communicate. He said that sometimes I confused him about what was ok and what wasn't. I think some of you mentioned that you set "scenes" ahead of time so that you know that on that night it will be D/s sex and not the lovey-dovey stuff. Is that right?

Can't say I'm shocked by his response. Most men are VERY eager to indulge any desire for kinkiness their wives show. Obviously this was something he was curious about.

Also not surprising he wasn't hard enough the first time. Your first few times out it's good to beg for more. "Harder... please!" Considering that you're the woman he loves, odds are he'd rather not hurt you more than you want. With time and practice he'll elarn exactly how you like it.

I'm in a relationship where we incorporate mild BDSM elements into our sex life. We don't always plan things out, although often times she'll drop comments like "I've been very bad recently, I think I need to be punished later", or I'll tell her "I have some plans to use you for my pleasure". Of course we've also had conversations like:

Me: So, are you feeling naughty tonight, or nice and sweet?
Her: Oh... a little of both. What do you want me to be?
Me: Hmmmm
(Indecision continues for a while)

Communication is key, and I think it's good to plan things out, especially as you're starting out. I think with time it will become more "natural". Glad to hear he was game!

 

[Rrrosyn]

So, What does SO mean? I see you guys using D/s and I get that. Sorry for the dorky question.

Also, You are making me jealous with all the talk of loveydovey and tough love mixed. That sounds amazing.

Things to work towards...

SO usually means Significant Other.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

While I'm thinking about abbreviations...

Okay, I give up trying to decipher this one....

What's PYL????

Thanks!

 

[Kajira Callista]

Okay, I give up trying to decipher this one....

What's PYL????

Thanks!

pick your label

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Learning more about BDSM

For someone who got his introduction to the BDSM scene better'n 8 years ago in the online realm, I have a really low opinion of most "educational" BDSM web sites. The amount of absolute drivel and horse manure that gets passed off as knowledge still boggles my mind. But there are a few that I have some respect for.

The D/s Kiosk - http://www.cuffs.com/homepage.htm
Gloria Brame - http://gloria-brame.com/
Dominant Ideas - http://gloria-brame.com/domidea/
The Steel Door - http://www.steel-door.com/
BDSM Classes - http://www.bdsmclasses.com/aboutus.htm
The Society For Human Sexuality - http://www.sexuality.org/
The BDSM Resource Center - http://www.thebrc.net/

I much prefer the printed word. Books from people who have been there, done that. Books like:

Screw the Roses, Send Me The Thorns by Miller and Devon
Different Loving by Brame, Brame, and Jacobs
Ties That Bind by Guy Baldwin
Slavecraft by Guy Baldwin
The Topping Book by Easton and Liszt
The Bottoming Book by Easton and Liszt
The Ethical Slut by Easton & Liszt
SM: 101 by Jay Wiseman
The Loving Dominant by John Warren
Sensuous Magic by Pat Califia
To Love, To Obey, To Serve by viola Johnson
Juice by Uncle Abdul

There, a nice even dozen! A selection of how-to's about techniques, relationships, setting up scenes, etc. And if you want to know about the how-to's of etiquette:
The Blue Book of Etiquette by Emily Post (get a World War II or earlier ed.)

And if you need to explain about this to vanilla family and friends:
When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Easton & Liszt

I nkow I've missed lots of books but I'm not trying to list all the possible sources, just some damn good books for new folks to learn with.

Hope that helps!

 

[graceanne]

pick your label

PYL really really needs to be added to the 'read this before you post' thread, so that we can say 'go read this thread' when people ask.

And FYI pyl is a sub, slave, bottom, etc. PYL is a master, dom, daddy, top, sir, etc

 

[Evil_Geoff]

pick your label

Thank you! That makes sense now... PYL/pyl relationships... so as not to offend someone by using the incorredct label...

 

[Etoile]

Thank you! That makes sense now... PYL/pyl relationships... so as not to offend someone by using the incorredct label...

Oh, I don't know...for me it's not so much a matter of not offending as it is not being able to keep track of who's a master, who's a sir, etc. ...

 

[mdiaz451]

married, seeking Cyber Dom... or not....

cinnamon...

Basically, all you need to do is post a profile at any number of sites and hook up with a married Dom seeking online-only. Alt.com, collarme.com, adultfriendfinder.com, you know....

And yes, some Doms encourage masturbation. I love to tell a sub to masturbate for me, and pinch your tits as you do it... now as far as letting you have a climax, that's another story...

Pleasure delayed is pleasure enhanced when you are allowed to cum...


now for the thead hijacker:

if he ran out & bought a flogger, etc, and then used them ALL on you that night!!!! Well, I think your problems are over...

And yes, having a sub ask to be fucked harder is music to this mans ears.... encourage him to fuck your brains out, then suck his cock clean after he cums inside you... He'll remember, believe me, and it will just get better.

 

[sojurner]

sorry, mdiaz just getting started, this did start out as, 'thinking about BDSM', right? I really wanted to ask questions but was afraid. So thanks to all who have been nice. I'm learning a lot!

And yes, it was music to his lovely ears and again the next night!

BTW - thanx for the SO thing, I kept thinking ya'll were into some sort of military stuff. You just never know....

Oh yes! Thank you also EvilGoeff for the all the book and site refrences. I will get to work right away.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

You are very welcome. Being new to the BDSM scene and finding so much info on the web, it can be overwhelming at times. Trying to sort through what's utter tripe and what's strictly cyber-fantasy nonsence to get to what comes from (and works with!) reality is a chore.

I hope you find "news you can use" in some of the sources I suggested. I know they certainly helped me a lot!

 

[La Kajira]

Well I suppose here is the best place to start.

I'm a bit too chicken to go delving into the personals, I'd rather get to know people here within this forum before I go exploring. I've got real trust issues, I have to get to know someone before I get brave and take plunges.

I've been doing a lot of reading, not as much as I wish, but a lot. I've found a lot of interesting people here, and a welcome I honestly wasn't expecting. Not that I assumed anyone wouldn't welcome me, but it's a huge forum, and I didn't know WHAT to expect.

I'm warmed and flattered by the PM's I've gotten, and the wonderful replies to my posts. So I guess I'll take a deep breath and take the plunge.

How does one go about the business of finding someone to dominate them? What is the process, and/ or the rules?

I hope that no one minds me posting this question here... I know I am definately interested in BDSM, no doubt about that... I just am unsure how to take it to the next step.

Help?

 

[Etoile]

La Kajira, I usually say that the process of finding a dominant should be just like the process of finding a vanilla partner. In fact, you should be even more careful when looking for a kinky partner. Until you are in a relationship with someone, or at least more than casually dating, you are their equal. Never let anybody tell you any different. Never let anybody use something like "I'm the dominant, you WILL date me" on you. Trust your instincts and don't worry about pissing somebody off because you're too sassy or anything like that. Your happiness and safety are the most important thing. A responsible dominant will respect that you need to put yourself first early in the game. Once you are closer to each other, you can allow yourself to submit and to trust. But because of the vulnerable nature of being a submissive, it is totally appropriate to make sure you are safe. (And always set up a safe call for first meetings!)

 

[La Kajira]

Thanks Etoile... your words mean a lot.

I'm only looking for a Net dominant, not a real life one. I'm happy in my marriage, just want to add a little fantasy to things. And explore something I know really very little about.

For now I'm content lurking about, getting to know people...