This Thread Is For Critique

[WickedEve]

Eve I made some suggestions to help bring the angst out a little stronger, give it more voice. Feel free to use or toss these

The metaphor is strong.......It made me want to sea something about yeast rising, but that is just my yearning


Great Read I am happy to see you writing........ Let some of that out, and things will get better soon, wishing you the best in this lonely holliday season (((((Eve)))))

_Land

Thanks Neal. I'm having a tough time writing right now. I'm not ready to let it all. When I do, it's best if everyone stands back. lol

 

[_Land]

Eve, I know about keeping it inside, i let out a tirade of angry poems for a while there.....It helped
bad poetry good therapy........ its a trade off

Keep writing, even if you dont post it !


(((Eve)))

Thanks Neal. I'm having a tough time writing right now. I'm not ready to let it all. When I do, it's best if everyone stands back. lol

 

[HomerPindar]

keyboard probes
deep spaces
between key location
of distant thoughts
iwasliftedbytheveryidea
b   &nbsp   &nbsp   &nbsp   &nbsp  &nbsp         y
t hes pace be twee nus

HomerPindar

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I'm holding off on the edit just in case Lauren and Neal decide to comment. I'm a patient woman....

Kat

Hi, Kat.

Thank you for being patient, I promise to comment as soon as possible, but right now I'm having some serious computer problems and am limited to a couple of minutes a day worth of internet access. I'm hoping everything will be fixed tonight or tomorrow, but I already thought the same thing yesterday and the day before, so I don't know...

Sorry if I'm also neglecting any others. I'm trying...

 

[KatPurrs]

Kat, I'm glad you're not changing the title. I love it. I don't think you can do much more with this poem. It's very good and I admire how much effort you put into it. It's hard to keep revising a piece until it looks this good.

Eve,

That you think of it this way must mean I'm onto something. I value your opinion very much. Thank you.

I'm looking forward to your next releases...I'll stand back about a country mile, peeking between fingers, behind a titanium shield!
You go gurl!!!

Kat

 

[KatPurrs]

Hi, Kat.

Thank you for being patient, I promise to comment as soon as possible, but right now I'm having some serious computer problems and am limited to a couple of minutes a day worth of internet access. I'm hoping everything will be fixed tonight or tomorrow, but I already thought the same thing yesterday and the day before, so I don't know...

Sorry if I'm also neglecting any others. I'm trying...

Take your time, Lauren, and good luck with your 'puter. You're worth the wait. I'll do the final edit and submit it later. No pressure whatsoever. Even if you don't get to it, I know you had good intentions. I'm sure no one is feeling neglected. We're an understanding buncha poets.

Kat

 

[KatPurrs]

keyboard probes
deep spaces
between key location
of distant thoughts
iwasliftedbytheveryidea
b   &nbsp   &nbsp   &nbsp   &nbsp  &nbsp         y
t hes pace be twee nus

HomerPindar

Hey Homer - Cool poem, Mr. Man...

Love the double entendres, the visual, and the sentiment.

Kat

 

[Angeline]

Feedback Puh-leeze?

Meditation on Photograph of Peach

Some might walk past them in the marketplace
when in late spring’s tumult they spill from straw
baskets or tussle for position in the grocer’s display

some might not notice that their rough softness
is a contradiction in delicate velvet fuzzed with
minute down or that the elegant blush of their skin

is like an evening sky in summer as twilight slips
from fingers of bright orange and yellow and hushes
the day drifting it toward the shadow of slumber

here on this orb that sinks light to a last tint
and seeps secrets into flesh it is easy to forget
something so simple in the profusion of choice

that bedevils the modern world it is easy to forget
that this quiet essence exists poised on a thin line
of branch making no announcement but perfuming

its small space with the promise of its innocence
and suggesting the sweet complexity balanced
in flesh and nectar that await beyond the surface.


What do you think? Does it work? I want it to evoke the essence of peach through the reader's senses as well as make a statement about the appeal of simple beauty in a complex world. Does it do that? Got any ideas?

I don't know why I always write about things out of season. Maybe it's the cold....

P.S. Lauren, note line breaks! I tried hard, lol. (ooh lauren sweetie just saw your post--comment when you can; I'm in no rush with this poem. sorry bout the puter...)

 

[Angeline]

Broken Keyboard Poetry

keyboard probes
deep spaces
between key location
of distant thoughts
iwasliftedbytheveryidea
b y
t hes pace be twee nus

HomerPindar

I like this Homer. Sometimes poems strike me immediately, but this poem has a quieter effect that I really like. It sneaks up on you--I've read it five or six times and see new things in it with each read (I'll stop rereading it soon, lol.)

At first just saw it as a clever take on someone's--ahem--malfunctioning keyboard. Then I noticed the way you (again, saw you do this in at least one other poem) made new words with the spacing breaks. Then, when I read yet again, I thought about how these new words you created suggest other meanings within the poem. I have no idea whether you were consciously trying for all this, but it really works!

This leads me to two points: first, that this is a great example of a short poem with alot going on in it, proving that short poems can offer lots; and second, it is worthwhile to go back, to reread.

 

[HomerPindar]

I'll save the thread from having 3 or 4 replies by me all in a row

Lauren ~ hope the computer fixes itself. I use to have a printer that would only work properly when I placed a hammer in front of it. No kidding.

Kat!! Hugs, I think I lost the thread I hijacked for us earlier...sob. ok, i got over that. Great poem, does a wonderful job of capturing the history there.

Housewives paced on warm, wooden floors
while listening to Bing Crosby
croon their babes to sleep, yet,
chose to leave and plant themselves
on cold concrete in designated spots,
along production lines like I-beams
supporting the Redstone Arsenal.

I think it was _Land who suggested changes in the first line that I like, in particular dropping the word "on." I do like the use of yet to leave, because I first I think its the children who leave - isn't that how it usually works?- but it's not in this case, and that realization was a good punch to the stanza for me. Was this inspired by the 40th annaversity of Pearl Harbor (39th for the New Jersey)?

Angeline ~ as you already surmised, I wrote the poem last night (beats studying, eh?) all at once. I recently wrote a comparrison between structural poetry (such as the one I posted here) and aesthetic poetry, which attempts to invoke an image/mood/sense or response through the use of words. Structural tends to make one think about words/meaning/thought processes - and I've found the later doesn't really lend itself to erotic poetry as much. But, seems to be where my mood more often sends me of late...

Oh, and as a writing workshop instructure said, "take credit for every brilliant thing anyone finds in your writing, and save the excuses for the mistakes" As such..yeah ... yeah.. it was all intentional (honest...no...really...)

HomerPindar

 

[Angeline]

Intentional or un?

Oh, and as a writing workshop instructure said, "take credit for every brilliant thing anyone finds in your writing, and save the excuses for the mistakes" As such..yeah ... yeah.. it was all intentional (honest...no...really...)

HomerPindar


He who writes poem, gets credit for all brilliance seen or imagined by reader.

(an ancient proverb of 20 seconds ago)

 

[_Land]

Re: Feedback Puh-leeze?

Meditation on Photograph of Peach

Some [might] walk past them in [the] marketplace(s)
when in late spring’s tumult they spill from straw
baskets(,) [or] tussle for position in the [grocer’s] display

some might not notice that their rough softness
[is a] contradict(s)[ion] in delicate velvet(,) fuzzed with
minute down or that the elegant blush of their skin

is like an evening sky in summer as twilight slips
[from] fingers of bright orange and yellow and hushes
[the] day drifting it toward the shadow of slumber

here on this orb that sinks light to a last tint
and seeps secrets into flesh(,) it is easy to forget
something so simple in the profusion of choice

that bedevils the modern world(.) it is easy to forget
that this quiet essence exists poised(,) on a thin line
of branch making no announcement(,) but perfuming

its small space with [the] promise of its innocence
and suggesting the sweet complexity
balanced in flesh and nectar [that await beyond the surface.]

These are just things I felt helped it read better, I am sure others will disagree......I like an open ending on this.......but that too is personal preference.... dont smash me for my edit


Need a tissue A? your nose is red )


This works well, I think that I would like it better as a metaphor for something else but I wont go there!

Im innnocent I swear I am


_N]

 

[Angeline]

Thank you _Land

Why would I smash you, you tigger? I wanted feedback and I especially like what you're suggesting with punctuation--I feel like I never know what to do with that. The open ending I need to think about--I think I have a tendency to give more info than is needed so maybe your suggestion is the way to go, but I want to see what other reviewers say. Thank you kind poet guy for taking the time to review it.

The metaphor is sorta there...I just didn't want to be too blatent about it, but when I looked at the picture that inspired the poem, yes metaphor apparent, lol.

And whaddaya mean my nose is red? Did I miss with the lipstick again darnit?

 

[OT]

RE: Peaches

I think it would be more powerful if you removed the doubt.
(reword the "Some Might" phrases)

RE: Got any ideas?

While you captured all of the soft gentle qualities of the peach, I think to capture the true essence of this perfectly delicious little fruit, you need to incorporate the eating. As a sample of one, here's how I eat a peach:

I like to do it outside
under a shade tree
on a hot summer day
with no one around
to see the mess

first I notice the intense sweet smell,
then I feel the fuzz on my lips
just a hint of tartness as I bite through the fuzz
then the sweet juicy explosion of flavor
as the sweet meat nearly melts in my mouth and
the juice runs down my chin
and oozes into my hand
making my fingers stick together
and may even run down my arm to threaten my elbow


And finally, while perhaps not pretty (not that my eating was anything you'd want to actually watch) more oft than not, peaches have at least one icky soft spot. If you can work that in too, then I'm plum out of peach ideas.

 

[KatPurrs]

Hi Angeline, (cute artwork

I really like what you're saying here and I believe you have accomplished what you set out to do.

However, that is one long motha of a sentence! Have you tried reading it aloud? Whew! I found my self breathless by the time I got to the ending. And when I find myself breathless, I expect to get some bang for my bang so let's see about not teasing me here...I'll attempt a version incorporating some of what Neal did and maybe change a thing or two that I found...like not beginning S1, L1/S2,L1 with "some might"...if I may be so bold as to play with your poem......

Some walk past them in marketplaces
when in late spring’s tumult
they spill from straw baskets,
tussle for optimum display.

Others don't notice their rough-softness
is a contradiction in delicate velvet.
Elegant blush of skin is an evening sky
in summer as twilight slips from fingers
of bright orange and yellow, hushes day,
drifting it toward the shadow of slumber.

Here on this orb that sinks light to a last tint
and seeps secrets into flesh, it is easy to forget
something so simple in the profusion of choice
that bedevils the modern world.

It is easy to forget quiet essence exists,
poised on thin line of branch,
making no announcement, but perfuming
its small space with promise of innocence,
suggesting sweet complexity, balanced
in flesh and nectar that await
beyond the surface.

~~~~~~~

I think this slows it down a bit so the reader can relish your words. I took out some things like, "fuzzed with minute down" as I felt it was redundant after "delicate velvet".

Anyway, it is a lovely poem. Wish I'd written it...thanks for the read, Angeline.

Kat

 

[KatPurrs]

Re: I'll save the thread from having 3 or 4 replies by me all in a row

Kat!! Hugs, I think I lost the thread I hijacked for us earlier...sob. ok, i got over that. Great poem, does a wonderful job of capturing the history there.

Housewives paced on warm, wooden floors
while listening to Bing Crosby
croon their babes to sleep, yet,
chose to leave and plant themselves
on cold concrete in designated spots,
along production lines like I-beams
supporting the Redstone Arsenal.

I think it was _Land who suggested changes in the first line that I like, in particular dropping the word "on." I do like the use of yet to leave, because I first I think its the children who leave - isn't that how it usually works?- but it's not in this case, and that realization was a good punch to the stanza for me. Was this inspired by the 40th annaversity of Pearl Harbor (39th for the New Jersey)?
HomerPindar

Hey Homer,

Thanks very much. My inspiration came from seeing one of those "We Can Do It!", Rosie the Riveter, WWII, type posters on the wall of a wreath factory a couple of weeks ago.

Now....first, you taught me how to hijack a thread, now how to fix this dratted printer! A hammer, huh? I can DO that! Cool!

Kat

 

[Angeline]

Dear _Land and Kat

First off, ty, ty, ty for your terrific suggestions. This poem is the first in a collaboration in what I hope will lead to a book-length photo essay in poetry. At this point I am just experimenting with a batch of photos, but I'm very excited about the idea and need to get my ducks in a row. Your suggestions are great, especially the punctuation stuff and the hints for paring the poem back.

Off to think this through. Back later with a revised version.

P.S. Sorry about the buckless bang, or the bangless bang, or the bangles, or .....never mind

 

[_Land]

Click

watch, take it all in
your view of the world
seems larger, after death

before dying days
life seemed to pass you by
nothing but work, and sleep

even days off seemed odd
if chores were not the central activity
but grandma had a stroke, grandpa emphysema

and life seemed to slow down
momentary, pause in life’s pace
maybe God does have a remote control

Fast forward lives thrust
suddenly in rewind, trying
to recall where time has ticked off to

tracking no longer works
the picture is still fuzzy
but great memories are better then Memorex

 

[MyOpinion]

removed

 

[Angeline]

Welcome Opi!

Hello and welcome to the poetry board. No attacks here, just some gentle suggestions that may improve this lovely poem you have written. If you think my suggestions help, great, but you know what works for you. If you don't like what I suggest I certainly won't be offended.

Lovers Encounter

It was half the hour past seven,
Already, Already I was late
When walked I forth oblivious
To our mutual encountered fate.

Yet, there, within each hello
Did my heart’s comfort find its sought fellow
If only for the moment first our eyes did meet -
Would ever the world seem so finely fresh, so divinely ‘plete?

Was there order in the world before we met?
I did not care, nor did I dare
To have time spin its clock,
For despair has long found delight
In seeing hope upon its rock.


So fair, so gentle, my fellow poet be
Loose the orchestra, there, within thy bosom,
Set your harpers to play for me
A string of words -
Our own sweet soft harmony.

Let the hour that be planned
Meet us one the other as in the dreamer’s land,
Bring to our eyes, each, thy cherished soul
To end the torture-parted lover’s woe!

And, yet, so like the poets do,
I fear our parting may unglue
The thread we have begun to start
That dwells divinely within each heart.

Overall I like the archaic-sounding construction. The poem has almost a 17th c. feel, like John Donne. Not everyone will like that, but go with what pleases you. I think--many may not agree--it is perfectly ok to borrow a "voice." I do think however that you have some awkward constructions that can be corrected.

Stanza 1 (lines 1,3,4 revised)
It was half past the hour seven,
Already, Already I was late
When I walked forth oblivious
To our mutually encountered fate.

Stanza 2 (big changes here though line 4 still isn't right, imo)
Yet there with our hello
when first our eyes did meet
I found my heart's fellow
Will the world ere seem so complete?

Stanza 3
And was there order before we met?
I did not care, nor did I dare
To have hands spinning on time's clock,
For despair had long found its joy
Smashing my hope against its rock.

You lose me some on this stanza. I think you are saying that your world was chaotic before this person, that the passing of time was meaningless, but those last two lines.... Why would despair delight in "seeing" hope? I think you mean that it delights in crushing or battering or something like that to hope on its rock. And delight is an odd way to personify despair--doesn't quite work. If you want the odd contradiction try joy as shown. Another point is that you kind of had a rhyme scheme going which you've now abandoned. The poem will be better if you either make it consistent across stanzas or lose it altogether. See my revisions.

Stanza 4
So fair my gentle poet be
So loose the orchestra, play for me
Set harpers to a string of words
To make our own soft harmony.

Again, archaic structure is fine as long as it doesn't get in the way of meaning. You knew what you wanted to say here, but it needed to be reorganized to be clear. See my revisions.

Stanza 5
Let the hour that we planned
Bring to each, the cherished soul
To meet with this dreamer’s land,
To end my tortured lover’s woe!

See my revisions.

Stanza 6

And, yet, so like the poets do,
I fear our parting may unglue
The thread we have begun to start
That dwells divinely within each heart.

I think your poem ends naturally at stanza 5--this last stanza is overkill. If it were me, I'd delete it.

Please don't think I was being rough on you. I like your poem, but I wanted to give it a thorough critical review. Hope it helps some...

 

[MyOpinion]

removed

 

[MyOpinion]

rmoved

 

[JUDO]

Re: Feedback Puh-leeze?

Meditation on Photograph of Peach

Some might walk past them in the marketplace
when in late spring’s tumult they spill from straw
baskets or tussle for position in the grocer’s display

some might not notice that their rough softness
is a contradiction in delicate velvet fuzzed with
minute down or that the elegant blush of their skin

is like an evening sky in summer as twilight slips
from fingers of bright orange and yellow and hushes
the day drifting it toward the shadow of slumber

here on this orb that sinks light to a last tint
and seeps secrets into flesh it is easy to forget
something so simple in the profusion of choice

that bedevils the modern world it is easy to forget
that this quiet essence exists poised on a thin line
of branch making no announcement but perfuming

its small space with the promise of its innocence
and suggesting the sweet complexity balanced
in flesh and nectar that await beyond the surface.


What do you think? Does it work? I want it to evoke the essence of peach through the reader's senses as well as make a statement about the appeal of simple beauty in a complex world. Does it do that? Got any ideas?

Some might walk past them,
When in late spring’s tumult
They spill from straw baskets,
Tussling for position.

Their rough softness in delicate velvet
On their elegant skin's blush
Mirrors the summer eve where twilight slips
Through fingers of bright orange and yellow,
Hushing the day as it drifts
Towards the shadow of slumber.

This orb that sinks light to last tint
And seeps secrets into flesh --
Easy to forget such simplicity
In the profusion that bedevils
Our modern world.

This quiet essence exists
Poised on a thin branch
Making no announcement,
But perfuming with the sweet complexity,
Balanced flesh and nectar
That await beneath.

* * *

I really liked the thoughts. Thought the words were a little wordy. Tried to cut a lot to see if it might unfold any new ideas for you.

You've got that it may seem insignificent, but look at its texture, its color, its hidden scent and taste. Look again and marvel. Is that what you were intending?


- Judo

 

[KatPurrs]

Spontaneous Combustion

Go ahead....flame me. lol

Thanks!

Kat

Engulfed by his smoke screen
she went through the steps
put belly to floor
searched on hands and knees and
prayed to find one clear breath
of truth
in the murky air around her

Accused of crawling through his life
she had no right being just a hope
just a dream

And so acquiesced to descending cloud
filled lungs with deliberate breaths and was
found
belly up against the exit door
never knowing who struck the match
or if there ever was one

 

[MyOpinion]

removed