This Thread Is For Critique

[_Land]

Dry(Judo, Angeline, if you would please)

Stand under this cloud of rain
soak up all the drops
save them as if they were precious, heavy in worth.

Behave childlike, in moments of folly
Folk around these part are used to it, your crazy
brand of values, smiling at thunder as if it were some
canned joy, opened like a box of cheer.
Choke back the rain as if you could
stave the coming floods.

Count all these trials, joyful triumph
Soak up all the drops
Hand them to me, for I am parched and they are gold.

 

[Rybka]

Re: Dry - a couple of suggestions

Originally posted by _Land

Dry - - How about switching this with "parched" in the last line?

Stand under this cloud of rain
soak up all the drops
save them as if they were precious,
heavy in worth.

Behave childlike, in moments of folly
Folk around these parts are used to it,
your crazy brand of values,
smiling at thunder as if it were some canned joy,
opened like a box of cheer. I don't like "box of cheer". It reminds me of soap flakes. Do you mean it to?
Choke back the rain
as if you could stave the coming floods. You only get one flood per storm.

Count all these trials, joyful triumph
Soak up all the drops
Hand them to me, for I am parched and they are gold. I like the sentiment of the last line but not "Hand", "parched", nor "gold". If the drops have all been "soaked" how do you "hand" them? Plus "gold" as a noun is not a liquid.

Also, your use of Caps. is not consistent.

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[MyOpinion]

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[MyOpinion]

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[Rybka]

Re: Rybka - love your mermaid!

I have been working on a mermaid poem so it caught my eye.

Have you seen the movies "The Little Mermaid" and "Splash"?

I find the endings of these two movies to be a great contrast.

Happy you like my AV.
I really have not seen a "mermaid movie" that I really liked, although I have watched Disney's animation quite a few times with young relatives.

My mermaid poem is: The Empty Sea. It had quite a few good votes for awhile, almost made the magic 10 at an average of 4.89, but then the low votes started to appear. It is now at 4.20.

Regards,                       Rybka

I edit to point out that there are a few errors in the posting, and that the spacing did not display as submitted. - Rybka

 

[MyOpinion]

removed

 

[JUDO]

Re: Dry(Judo, Angeline, if you would please)

Stand under this cloud of rain
soak up all the drops
save them as if they were precious, heavy in worth.

Behave childlike, in moments of folly
Folk around these part are used to it, your crazy
brand of values, smiling at thunder as if it were some
canned joy, opened like a box of cheer.
Choke back the rain as if you could
stave the coming floods.

Count all these trials, joyful triumph
Soak up all the drops
Hand them to me, for I am parched and they are gold.

Here is how I interpret your lines:

Stand under this cloud of rain (you? your tears as metaphor? Why no punctuation? Does the thought continue?)
soak up all the drops (ease your pain? pay attention to your sorrow? Again, no punctuation.)
save them as if they were precious, heavy in worth. (Now, I'm a little lost. Save your tears? What do the drops represent?)

Behave childlike, in moments of folly (A seemingly new thought, unrelated to what is in your first stanza, but I'm confused by the comma before the preposition)
Folk(s) around these part(s) are used to it, your crazy (Okay, locals are used to childlike responses when things go wrong. Again, I'm confused by the placement of the comma and 'your crazy' tagged onto the end of this line.)
brand of values, smiling at thunder as if it were (An incomplete sentence? Sorry, humor.)
some (misplaced word)
canned joy, opened like a box of cheer (I hope you intende the double entendré)
Choke back the rain, as if you could stave the coming floods. (Lots of sorrow to come? Acting childlike in the face of your sorrow? Pretending that will help?)

Count all these trials, joyful triumph (Not sure of meaning here. Is the speaker being sarcastic? Or believing in the staving off of tears?)
Soak up all the drops (do your worst? Or really help me?)
Hand them to me, for I am parched and they are gold. (Hand my tears back to me? And how are they golden? Obviously, I'm confused even aside from the odd punctuations and broken lines across lines.)

_L -

I like the imagery, but I do not understand the metaphors. They may be wonderful, but in order for me to believe this, I think you may have inadvertantly left out some... Small, but very significant bit of information I need to get the entire meaning.

But for just sheer structure and punctuation, how about this:

Dry

Stand under this cloud of rain.
Soak up all its drops.
Save them as if they were precious --
Heavy in worth.

Behave childlike in moments of folly.
Folks around these parts are used to it --
Your crazy brand of values.

Smiling at thunder
As if it were some canned joy
To be opened like a box of cheer.

Choke back the rain as if you could
Stave the coming floods.
Count all these trials, joyful triumph
Soak up all its drops.

Hand them to me.
For I am parched...
And they are gold.

-------------------

What do the drops represent? I'm baffled. Tears they might be, but what do they represent? Possibly, the emotional moments one shares with someone close to you? A loved one? A child? For even they are precious.

My thoughts.
- Judo

 

[_Land]

Thanks Judo

I will post an interp later today or tommorrow........... you answered my main question already though something is missing...........but i will say that none of the tears are mine because I am parched, (cant cry)!



Thank you for taking the time to look at this............ I will work on a revision. ((((Judo))))

 

[MyOpinion]

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[JUDO]

Dear poets -

I'm looking for feedback on this work I just spat out. It was brewing and came rather quickly. Is my meaning too obvious? Too wordy? Too too? Critique, if you will, and help me make it what it should be.

Thank you.

---------------------------------------------------

Sisyphus' Self Portait

Sketch marks christen the edge of my eyeline --
Some gouged into the canvas texture,
Some jessoed over so many times
The texture is gone, but cracks remain.

Paint covers only half
The half that's gone
That half that's done
That half that can never be touched again.

Brushes -- finest camel hair --
Single-lined opinions etch the detail
And soften the blow of contrast
Buried deep within pigment.

My eyes grow weary
With each passing stroke,
I see more paint than gravity can stand.

Will the frame hold?
Will my fingers feel?
Will the time pass more quickly
If I paint not at all?

Perhaps I should advertise?

Put the monster over my bed
Or print t-shirts for the masses
Handed out for free
And wait for the one who gets me.

But creative endeavors are never sure things --
More crazy than truthful.

Perhaps the next stroke will bring it all together,
Circling the harmony that could be.
Rather than tilting the balance
To some believer that buys faith,
But finds indifference instead.

Tender, then hateful, then
Pragmatic, then skilled…
No amount of planning
Can fill the void of my head.

 

[WickedEve]

Sisyphus' is one of my favorite Greek myths.
This poem is beautifully written.
My first impression is that the section before "Perhaps I should advertise?" and the section after "But creative endeavors are never sure things -- More crazy than truthful." is more... umm... poetic. I felt like a stroll in the garden suddenly turned onto the city street and then back to the garden. I was in a trance of sorts that I was suddenly snapped out of as though you changed your tone of voice and started speaking directly to me and then I was again under your poetic spell.
Not saying that this is a bad thing -- not sure. Just my first impression.

 

[JUDO]

Eve -

I thought of the line "Perhaps I should advertise?" as being the one more likely to be an aside. I would publish this with these words in italics, like you would do a thought in prose.

I thought about possibly doing the same to the later lines following "But creative endeavors...", but wasn't certain that was really what I intended with them. They feel like they could be part of what follows, rahter than stand alone.

Not sure, looking for insight.

Thanks.

 

[JUDO]

Bumping this thread so that a few more of you poets might notice that I've posted a poem on which I would like some critique. I'm sorry now that I didn't post it on its own thread -- those seem to earning a lot of attention, but since _Land started this thread (whereever the heck he is), I thought I'd best use it.

So, take a look (3 posts up) at Sisyphus' Self-Portait , tear me up, suggest something better. When it comes to the free verse, I'm just a wing and a prayer. So, help me out.

Thanks.

- Judo

 

[OT]

Judo,

yes, it struck me as wordy. I'm not sure where, but I'm sure there's tightening to be had somewhere.

I've gotta run, but a few quick things to think about:

Is "christen" a good word choice for the first line? It jumps out at me and has a "new" connotation to it and doesn't seem to fit.

You use "texture" twice in the first stanza. Generally I don't like repeated words. Can you reword it to avoid repeating?

The (over) use of "--" is distracting and may be what contributes to the general feeling that it is too wordy. It's an odd piece of punctuation, and thus it's odd to see it so many times in a single piece.

"..." at the end could be eliminated. I'm not sure what unfinished thought you were going for there.

 

[OT]

Hey, Judo, I'm back.

I'm trying to figure out why if "feels" wordy.
Here are a few more musings.

"paint" is another word that pops up several times.
can you word around it, for example consider changing the line
"Paint covers only half",
to "only half is covered", without the need to say paint ?


A tighter alterative for

"Brushes -- finest camel hair --
Single-lined opinions etch the detail
And soften the blow of contrast
Buried deep within pigment. "

could be something like

Fine camel hair brushes etch
single-lined opinions and soften
the contrast buried deep within pigment.

It may lose too much of the meaning you intended,
I'm just offering food for thought.

Eve already mentioned the change in tone starting
with "perhaps I should advertise".
Could the poem simply end there?

I'm not up on my mythology, so I didn't get the
"Monster" reference.

sorry, but I just didn't understand the
point you are trying to make here.
How does this relate to the begining ?

"Rather than tilting the balance
To some believer that buys faith,
But finds indifference instead.

Tender, then hateful, then
Pragmatic, then skilled…
No amount of planning
Can fill the void of my head."

Take my thoughts with the usual grain of salt.
I offer my opinions with the best of intentions.
You know I love most of your stuff.

 

[JUDO]

Hey, Judo, I'm back.

I'm trying to figure out why if "feels" wordy.
Here are a few more musings.

"paint" is another word that pops up several times.
can you word around it, for example consider changing the line
"Paint covers only half",
to "only half is covered", without the need to say paint ?

Good point. I will look over the poem at where "paint" arises and see if I can re-word. I hate repetitive stuff like that, if it's unecessary.

A tighter alterative for

"Brushes -- finest camel hair --
Single-lined opinions etch the detail
And soften the blow of contrast
Buried deep within pigment. "

could be something like

Fine camel hair brushes etch
single-lined opinions and soften
the contrast buried deep within pigment.

It may lose too much of the meaning you intended,
I'm just offering food for thought.

No, this is good. I like what you've done and it kept my meaning. My only hesitation is in a three-line stanza in this work, but perhaps as I re-work it, it will fit. Thanks.

Eve already mentioned the change in tone starting
with "perhaps I should advertise".
Could the poem simply end there?

Possibly, although, I wanted the artist to go on musing about what she might do. The "advertise" statement was meant as an "off-the-cuff" remark aroused by her own frustration at the progress of her work.

I'm not up on my mythology, so I didn't get the
"Monster" reference.

No, not a reference to the Labyrinth and the Minotaur contained therein. It was a direct reference to the difficult painting the artist is wrestling with. Perhaps "this Monster" would have helped?

sorry, but I just didn't understand the
point you are trying to make here.
How does this relate to the begining ?

"Rather than tilting the balance
To some believer that buys faith,
But finds indifference instead.

Tender, then hateful, then
Pragmatic, then skilled…
No amount of planning
Can fill the void of my head."

An artist, frustrated at the creation she seeks, is at her wits end as to what can make the work a success -- neither faith nor planning seems to have worked up 'til now, and she's afraid of her own indifference.

Take my thoughts with the usual grain of salt.
I offer my opinions with the best of intentions.
You know I love most of your stuff.

All good stuff, OT and well put. Thank you. This will definitely help me.


- Judo

PS - Yes, I have overused "--" and the "...", but I will find another way to exert my pauses in reading. - J

 

[MyOpinion]

done

 

[Angeline]

Hey JUDO sweetie

you have the most adorable look on your AV face. But I digress.

You said:

So, take a look (3 posts up) at Sisyphus' Self-Portait , tear me up, suggest something better. When it comes to the free verse, I'm just a wing and a prayer. So, help me out.

I'm with Eve--you have writ a beautiful poem and, well, who can't relate to poor Sisyphus? (Ok, maybe a lotta people but damnit, I can.) I also agree that the poem can use a bit of fine tuning, but I want to make sure I understand where it is now.

Will you repost with the changes made thus far? I don't want to tinker with stuff you've already resolved.

By the way, your poem reminded me of one of my favorites, Andrea Del Sarto, a dramatic monologue by Robert Browning. I'm gonna go see if I can find a link.....

And good old bartleby.com has it. It's good, but loooooooooong:

Andrea Del Sarto

 

[MyOpinion]

done

 

[JUDO]

Here's a revision, using a lot of what OT said and some from others. Some of the suggested changes would have altered my intent, so, I didn't do them.

Is the meaning any clearer?

thanks, all.



--------------------------------------------------

Sisyphus' Self Portrait

Sketch marks haunt the edge of my eye line;
Some gouged into the canvas texture.
Some jessoed over so many times
The material fades, but cracks remain.

Paint covers only half…
The half that's gone, that's done.
That which can never be touched again.

Brushes -- finest camel hair,
Single-lined opinions etch the detail
And soften the blow of contrast
Buried deep within pigment.

My eyes grow weary
With each passing stroke,
I see more paint than gravity can stand.

Will the frame hold?
Will my fingers feel?
Will the time pass more quickly
If I don't paint?

Perhaps I should advertise?

I could put this monster over my bed
Or print t-shirts for the masses
Handed out for free
And wait for the one who gets me.

But creative endeavors are never sure things --
More crazy than truthful.

Perhaps the next stroke will bring it all together,
Circling the harmony that could be.
Rather than tilting the balance
To some believer that buys faith,
But finds indifference instead.

Tender, then hateful, then
Pragmatic, then skilled.
No amount of planning
Can fill the void of my head.