This Thread Is For Critique

[KatPurrs]

Re: Re: Spontaneous Combustion

*Opi turns to Kat*

I have no hook but was hooked into reading this poem several times! Enjoyed each successive read too! Very nice Poem!

*Kat smiles at Opi* and says, "Thank you ever so much"

I really appreciate your taking the time to read it and comment on it. I love to hear that you felt compelled to read it more than once. That means a lot to me.

Kat

 

[Angeline]

More Peaches

KatsPurrs and JUDO, thank you both again for your excellent critiques of my poem. I read them both a bunch of times and left them to simmer in my imagination for a few days. Here's how I revised. Let me know what you think, if you dont mind.



Meditation on Photo of Peach

Some walk past them,
when in late spring’s tumult
whey spill from straw baskets,
tussling for position.

Some don’t see the rough softness,
the blush on delicate velvet,
or how the skin mirrors twilight--
when day slips and hushes,
drifting orange, pink, and yellow,
fading to the shadow of night.

These orbs hold the Sun’s last tint
and seep its warm secrets into their flesh,

but some are lost
in the profusion of noise
that bedevils the modern world

and so forget that simplicity,
poised on a wisp of branch,
is a graceful power
making no announcement.

 

[Angeline]

Thank you Opi

for your kind reply to my review. I'd love to see more of your work here. And isn't Donne amazing and lovely? Here's one of my favorites of his:

The Good-Morrow

I wonder by my troth, what thou and I
Did, till we lov'd? Were we not wean'd till then,
But suck'd on country pleasures, childishly?
Or snorted we in the seven sleepers' den?
'Twas so; but this, all pleasures fancies be.
If ever any beauty I did see,
Which I desir'd, and got, 'twas but a dream of thee.

And now good morrow to our waking souls,
Which watch not one another out of fear;
For love, all love of other sights controls,
And makes one little room, an everywhere.
Let sea-discoverers to new worlds have gone,
Let maps to other, worlds on worlds have shown,
Let us possess one world, each hath one, and is one.

My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears,
And true plain hearts do in the faces rest;
Where can we find two better hemispheres,
Without sharp north, without declining west?
Whatever dies, was not mix'd equally;
If our two loves be one, or, thou and I
Love so alike, that none do slacken, none can die.

And a cool link to his poems:

Selected List of Poems by John Donne

 

[KatPurrs]

Angleine...

Your edit is right on. I really love it. Great job!

Kat

 

[MyOpinion]

removed

 

[Angeline]

Thank you Opi

Thank you for your comments! Now the toward/towards thing: I am an editor and was taught that "toward" is correct, though I know that "towards" is the colloquial use. It one of those things that I fix obsessively (like the serial comma) even though I know it's fine the other way.

It is about a photo and I think the revisions have shifted it from strict description to more of a statement about people not recognizing the wonder of simplicity, but I'm ok with that.

Oh and the attention poem is most appropiate indeed!

 

[Rybka]

"Serial Comma"

Please explain.

It one of those things that I fix obsessively (like the serial comma).

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Angeline]

Serial Comma

I mean the last comma before "and" or "or" in a series:

"I'm reflecting, writing, and rewriting the poem."

Sounds like serial killer in a punctuation way huh?

 

[Rybka]

Re: Serial Comma

I mean the last comma before "and" or "or" in a series:

"I'm reflecting, writing, and rewriting the poem."

Sounds like serial killer in a punctuation way huh?

You mean that if you use commas in a series then you must use one before the final element?
How can anyone disagree with this,that, and whatever?

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Angeline]

Not anymore

but i was taught that way andsome publishers still use it as their editorial style...

 

[Rybka]

Re: Not anymore

but i was taught that way andsome publishers still use it as their editorial style...

Assholes, idiots, and fools. . . they be!

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[MyOpinion]

removed

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Critique?

Any thoughts on this poem, as yet untitled? Too sing-songy for my taste, but parts of it are okay.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Feeling lost
all alone
now here we go again

Round and round
up and down
and starting at the end

If I could
write a song
and show you what I mean

Every word
what I want
describing all my dreams

Rhyming verse
counted sounds
like onstage in a play

I would want
it to change
your mind and make you stay

Why do you
never think
of what we’ll never do

Let me know
what went wrong
or what I did to you

If you could
look in me
well, this is what you’d see

My heart bound
with your love
and what you’ve done to me

Make me sigh
make me sing
trouble will go away

And then say
until then
we meet another day

 

[JUDO]

Re: Critique?

Any thoughts on this poem, as yet untitled? Too sing-songy for my taste, but parts of it are okay.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Feeling lost
all alone
now here we go again

Round and round
up and down
and starting at the end

If I could
write a song
and show you what I mean

Every word
what I want
describing all my dreams

Rhyming verse
counted sounds
like onstage in a play

I would want
it to change
your mind and make you stay

Why do you
never think
of what we’ll never do

Let me know
what went wrong
or what I did to you

If you could
look in me
well, this is what you’d see

My heart bound
with your love
and what you’ve done to me

Make me sigh
make me sing
trouble will go away

And then say
until then
we meet another day

It is a song. You have a few little meter issues, depending on your song's structure and melody, but it's easily adapted.

By the way, it makes a good song.


- Judo

 

[Angeline]

My Dilemna

Editor's Dilemma
by Corbett Buckley

a slash across the sky
did catch my edit eye
a comet streaming by
Then another, and another, and another!

I think I just slipped on an iceberg.

 

[Star At Sunrise]

thanks

Thanks Judo,

I’ve written songs before, but I suspect that most song lyrics still sound like song lyrics. I haven’t yet posted the lyrics to a song I’ve written and tried to pass it off as a poem.

But my point is I think I’ve written plenty of rhyming verses, but not a satisfying rhyming poem. So I’m trying now.

I made it in a clever format, but only after realizing the original poem was accidentally mostly the same way. I'm not sure what meter problems it has, although I'm sure it does have many problems!

I tried to write each verse in 3/3/6 syllables, and twelve verses total, and the third and sixth "group" of rhyming verses rhyme with each other. I’m not sure if I got all of that right. Anyone care to check? Not only am I illiterate, I can’t read either.

I know it’s kinda "Hallmarky": that’s what keeps me from writing rhyming verse. But a goal would be to write a good rhyming poem. Something simple, short, catchy, original, and yet carry some poetic "truth." Not too much to ask for, is it?

So does the number scheme work out? Is it obvious? Is it worth the time to learn meter and stuff like that to fix it? Should I have explained the poem, or waited for more replies?

Thanks guyz!!! Happi Holeidais Tew Yewww!

 

[JUDO]

You ask a lot of questions. Too many for me to figure out what you were going for. And to say that you were trying to make a rhyming poem is not enough.

You said you used a clever rhyming scheme, but I'm not sure what you mean by that. Could you explain?

If this is your first attempt at writing rhyming poetry, perhaps you might start with some simple forms first.

And meter has much more to do with the natural accents of the words as opposed to the number of syllables. That's why I said your lyrics had a meter issue. But since you say that you did not intend them to be lyrics, then I would say that your poetry has a definite meter issue. Meaning that some of your lines that are reflected in other stanzas have a rhythm to them that is not followed elsewhere.

Your third line in stanza 1 that is not followed later by successive rhyming stanzas. This doesn't have to be a problem, but in your case it is because the rhythm of succesive lines is too close to the original as though you were attempting to make it happen.

If you will explain what you were looking to accomplish and perhaps list an example of something you'd seen, then I could try to be more specific and helpful.

My thoughts.

- Judo

 

[MyOpinion]

removed

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Thanks!

Thanks for the feedback! I think I now know which direction to go!

SAS

 

[MyOpinion]

removed by opi

 

[Angeline]

Sound

I think there are some problems here with consistency of rhythm across the poem. I've tried to address it a little bit, but I don't think I quite got it there, lol. (and maybe screwed up your poem in the process!) Here are my suggestions:

Lets Clear The Air

The scientists say
In their own special way (own special is cliché; how about objective instead
That sound is a wave of air.
Sound hits a membrane,
Sound moves a bone
Sound moves a cell’s fine hair.

But the poets, my dear,
Find such statements queer
And pose a question
you should hear- (again, somewhat vague; maybe “with answer less clear:“)

Does sound need an ear?
Or does it instead find its elation
In the moment of sonic vibration?

Please imagine indeed,
the wind over a reed;
would the wind the sound-maker be?
Or, think of the snow
that the heaven lets fall
In winter’s quiet, cold, dark hall:

Would there be sound at all?

 

[MyOpinion]

removed

 

[Angeline]

My Pleasure Opi

it was fun! I have worked as an editor for years--I do this every day, lol.

 

[MyOpinion]

mmni

 

[MyOpinion]

mmni.