Thoughts about raising children in the lifestyle?

[BlackWolfe]

GRRR!!

Raising kids in the lifestyle?

Okay, I have three words to say to that, "Child Protective Services." No, they're not happy words.

Let your children make their own choices, when they've reached the age of consent. Now, by "age of consent," I don't necessarily mean the age of consent where you live, but wait until they start investigating the lifestyle for themselves.

If this guy means what pretty much everyone here fears he means by "raising them in the lifestyle," DUMP HIM!!! He is unhealthy for you, and, more importantly, for the kids!

Um...

Was that a bit harsh?

 

[MissTaken]

Black Wolfe?

I am not asking for advice. As I have so posted, this is a topic for discussion and I have also posted concerning how I feel about raising children thusly. Like you, I am against it.

Thank you for your concern and well your intentioned advice.

.

I worked CPS and CPS related positions for 13 years

 

[alphacat]

Well, I have to agree that involving children in BDSM/ D/s practices themselves (i.e. bondage, beating, etc) isn't acceptible. However, teaching your children that there's more then one kind of okay sex *is* acceptable and encourageable. I think that it's hard for young people (at least it was for me) to realize and admit that they are into BDSM. It's just like coming out as a gay person (which was also hard ), and I think that anything parents can do to help their children to realize that they are healthy sexual beings is great.

 

[BlackWolfe]

if(!ignore_long_post){read_this;}else{skip_it_its_long;}

*hanging his head in shame*
Sorry about the rant, Miss Taken... What I was trying to say is that while yes, it's important to have as open a mind as possible when rearing children, and encourage them to do the same, we live in a society where an open mind is (by an increasingly smaller margin, thankfully) a sign of deviation.

Teaching children about sex is always a touchy subject (no pun intended), and teaching them about *ahem* "non-standard sexual practices" is risky as all hell.

I honestly think children should learn about sex from someone other than their parents... But that's just me. Because, quite frankly, I will hang on to the self-imposed delusion that my mother sculpted me out of polymer clay (probably Super Sculpey(tm)) and wished me to life, rather than picture my parents having sex (ugh!)...

Of course, sex education in school has always been a can of worms -- and will be so long as we live in a puritanical society. Teaching children about sexual practices which fall under the UCMJ article regarding "sodomy"* (I forget which article that one is) is especially risky.

I'm in no mood to get lynched and/or burned at the stake, thank you.


*SODOMY -- In the UCMJ, sodomy is defined as all sexual practices involving positions other than missionary. e.g.: multiple sexual partners, oral sex, anal sex, even doggy style, bestiality, erotic asphyxiation, and so on, and so on...

 

[Sweetwood]

My views suck, I know

but I'm going to impart them anyway.

The "lifestyle" is about choices.

How in the hell are you raising your children to be free human beings, if you take those choices away from them.

Children up to the age of almost 18 are limited in the decisions they can make. They are impressionable, easily guided (even though it doesn't seem like that at times) and can be molded. If that is not taken into account, i.e. by a patriarchal parent, or a lifestyler, then the children will live their lives with a burden. They did not choose to take on the lifestyle, and until they can they should not be burdened with the weight of their PARENTS choice.

Anyone who would suggest such a thing is either bullshitting or out of their fucking minds.

People! Wake up! This one is not even worth a serious discussion it's so easy.

Sweetwood

 

[Lancecastor]

Eggxactly.

...Sweetwood.

The larger issue is one of parenting inclusively and holistically, I suggest.

And the specific issue is easily answered, if you're an inclusive thinker.


Lance

but I'm going to impart them anyway.

The "lifestyle" is about choices.

How in the hell are you raising your children to be free human beings, if you take those choices away from them.

Children up to the age of almost 18 are limited in the decisions they can make. They are impressionable, easily guided (even though it doesn't seem like that at times) and can be molded. If that is not taken into account, i.e. by a patriarchal parent, or a lifestyler, then the children will live their lives with a burden. They did not choose to take on the lifestyle, and until they can they should not be burdened with the weight of their PARENTS choice.

Anyone who would suggest such a thing is either bullshitting or out of their fucking minds.

People! Wake up! This one is not even worth a serious discussion it's so easy.

Sweetwood

 

[Shiver]

Well, I don't have kids, so I may be talking through my hat, BUT...

I came to an understanding of myself as a dominant well into adulthood. I learned about sex (from the basics through all the subtle nuances) from many sources. I asked my mother, who answered them honestly. I learned a bit from school, my friends, TV, and peeking at books and magazines "borrowed" from my parents' room. I would probably have been better informed on the facts if my mother told me everything I needed to know, but there wouldn't be the mystery, and, let's be honest, excitement that came from learning about handcuffs and blindfolds from the letters column in "Hustler."

When I do have kids (and I plan to someday) I have no intention of telling them what I do on my evenings out. Not because I'm ashamed or embarrassed, but because I don't want them to learn the that lifestyle is something only boring adults like mom do.

But that's just my opinion...

 

[MissTaken]

So, at what point should children or do children become privy to lifestyle choices?

As adults?


I have spoken with some in the lifestyle who's grown children know and accept their choices.

I have spoken with some who's teen children have put 2 and 2 together and discovered that mom and dad are very kinky.

 

[MissTaken]

Re: My views suck, I know

but I'm going to impart them anyway.

The "lifestyle" is about choices.

How in the hell are you raising your children to be free human beings, if you take those choices away from them.

Children up to the age of almost 18 are limited in the decisions they can make. They are impressionable, easily guided (even though it doesn't seem like that at times) and can be molded. If that is not taken into account, i.e. by a patriarchal parent, or a lifestyler, then the children will live their lives with a burden. They did not choose to take on the lifestyle, and until they can they should not be burdened with the weight of their PARENTS choice.

Anyone who would suggest such a thing is either bullshitting or out of their fucking minds.

People! Wake up! This one is not even worth a serious discussion it's so easy.

Sweetwood

So, by giving them choices, I think they should know and understand that sexuality is okay, no matter how they chose to define or engage in it. How to make choices if they aren't aware that there are choices to be made?

Yes, perhaps these choices should be presented outside the home. It is just a thought.

OH, and I am sorry to insult your intelligence concerning what is worthy of discussion.


It is an open forum and what may seem elementary to some, may not seem elementary to others.

 

[WillowPuss]

I have spoken with some who's teen children have put 2 and 2 together and discovered that mom and dad are very kinky.

I think mine (18 and 16) may have put 2 and 2 together ... but can't quite believe that their 'ancient' (49 and 45) parents could possibly even want sex, let alone kinky sex. I mean - at OUR age ... really!

Their quizical looks are quite amusing at times, though.

One day, I might tell them ...

 

[Shiver]

So, at what point should children or do children become privy to lifestyle choices?

As adults?


I have spoken with some in the lifestyle who's grown children know and accept their choices.

I have spoken with some who's teen children have put 2 and 2 together and discovered that mom and dad are very kinky.

That's a good question. As my children are still in the theoretical stage, I can't really imagine sitting them down and telling them all about Mom's private life (my husband is not my sub, BTW, which adds another dimension). If they connect the dots at a time when they are emotionally prepared to deal with the situation and ask, I'll tell them, but even in this theoretical future I don't imagine that will happen until they are fairly grown.

 

[MissTaken]

Regrets are many

I just read this thread from beginning to end, once again.

I editted out remarks concerning people who's lifestyle and views have no business being posted on a bulletin board.

In the meantime, I realize starting this thread was a huge mistake on my part. It has caused me deep sadness and concern.

To think that by throwing out a question for discussion's sake, my parenting is in question hurts. To think that my friends felt a need to defend my parenting also causes me regret.

My children are the most important part of my life. My friends know this. Any Dom or potential SO knows this as well, from the beginning.

I left their dad because he was controlling, too physical with the kids and verbally abusive to them and I. I will refrain from examplse, but suffice it to say that when his treatment toward my , then 2 yr old, was causing physical problems, he had to go.

I left a job paying three times what I make now, so that I could be home with them and be their mommy, not just their caretaker for a couple of hours a day.

We may struggle financially, but the three of us are much happier.

They love me unconditionally as I do them. They feel and know that they are safe with their mom, physically and emotionally. They are safe to be children, safe to have feelings and bad days as well as good. I will NEVER jeopardize their safety! NEVER!

As much as i have inner needs that involve dominance and submission, it will take a special person to take on me and my children. I will wait for the person who is best for them! Not jump at the first Dom who makes me tingle without thought for the little one's needs.

That being said, I respectfully ask that people read entire threads before posting. That posters read carefully what is being said. I never said I was raising them in the BDSM lifestyle. I never said I would tie them up or beat them into submission. I never said they would be privy to what goes on behind closed doors.

That being said. I hope this thread dies as parenting is such an instrumental part of who I am, that I don't want to keep reading and re reading a thread wherein my abilities and commitment have been questioned.

 

[NemoAlia]

How I wish I had the self-control to keep myself from posting! You're very justified in wanting this thread to die. I'll try to do a better job of not posting after this:

I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for any pain you've gone through in reading and responding to this thread. By raising the topic, I believe that you were being very brave, considering the fact that so many people never question their parenting techniques or those of the people around them. I think that by beginning a discussion of some of the painful (but very present) aspects of parenting in our world, you have shown yourself to be a more responsible parent than most.

Moreover, you have shown a strong commitment to your children not only in your willingness to discuss the more difficult, complex elements of child-rearing, but in your dedication to behaving according to your beliefs despite the obstacles in your path.

I'm sorry that you have felt 'taken to task' in this thread. I know that I didn't (and I hope that others didn't) intend to call your parenting into question. I respect you (and I think the rest of the lit community does as well) far too much for that.

I hope that with the burial of this thread, your lit experience returns to the scintillating happiness that it usually is!

~Nemo

 

[Titania1616]

i think being a kid and growing up is hard enough without adding a very complex lifestyle to it. besides, kids need to determine their own walk of life, and a very strong bdsm influence would probably influence their future lifestyle.

 

[Titania1616]

by the way, im sure you're a great mom! i know this was just for discussions sake, which is why i posted. no criticisms toward you intended!

 

[Sweetwood]

discussions

Miss Taken said:

So, by giving them choices, I think they should know and understand that sexuality is okay, no matter how they chose to define or engage in it. How to make choices if they aren't aware that there are choices to be made?

Yes, perhaps these choices should be presented outside the home. It is just a thought.

OH, and I am sorry to insult your intelligence concerning what is worthy of discussion.


It is an open forum and what may seem elementary to some, may not seem elementary to others.

Until the age of puberty sexuality is not an issue with children. If they have sexual experiences, then it is usually the adult who classifies them as that. What we consider sexual, is not what the child experiences.

In puberty the physical development spawns an emotional development which is so complicated for the child, that to burden it with "lifestyle" choices would unneccessarily complicate the process. It is important at this age not to stifle the child with norms and our own morality choices be they "lifestyle" or vanilla. Just encourage them to explore within reason.

If my 18 year old son would ask me if I'm kinky I would answer: yes, of course! It is then up to me and him to explore what that means. No need to lie about it, but note he asked first.

If my 13 year old would ask a similar question I would ask him: what do you mean by kinky? and would answer appropriate to the question. That means I would not burden him or her with specific explanations but maybe engage in a discussion about the variety of sexual play without emphasis on one.

You did not insult my intelligence at all, nor did I insult yours. If I understand you correctly, your common sense and natural insticts have already provided the answer to your original question and the discussion is just a test of the waters. That is why I said that this topic is not a serious issue worthy of discussion.

Then again here I am engaging in it.... I'll eat my own words....

Sweetwood

 

[lovetoread]

My first thought reading Miss T's post was that this Dom wants the D/s to be 24-7 with the children realizing that he is the Dom and makes all decisions regarding the family.

The above is the first thought that popped up in my head when I read the first post.

I try to keep the fact that I submit from my kids,they are all too young,but there are sometimes you cannot. I try to explain as best as they can understand.

Its funny,but just today I was talking to my Tiger about the fact that my girls are very dommish and my son is not.

He was wondering if my son would be a sub.

My first reaction was to say no way.

I am not ashamed to be a sub,but believe it or not,its not an easy life.

I would prefer that the kids grow up and find their own way of life,be it in this lifestyle or not.

And finally,MissT,how are ya doing?

 

[WillowPuss]

I can't agree with this ...

Until the age of puberty sexuality is not an issue with children. If they have sexual experiences, then it is usually the adult who classifies them as that. What we consider sexual, is not what the child experiences.

My daughter was 16 in March.
A week (possibly two weeks) before her birthday she finally got round to telling me what had been bothering her for so long.
(Background - she was having trouble even leaving the house; was missing school; at times seemed like a wild child.) She told me whilst we were out together, travelling on public transport so I had to limit my immediate reaction to her revelation.

From the time she was 7 until she was turned 14 an older boy living very close to us had been abusing her. When it first started, she had an idea it was 'naughty' but didn't quite know why, and the abuser told her that it was what all grown-ups did. If she wanted to hang around with him and the other kids (she was the youngest kid in the street at that time) then she would do this. It could be their 'little secret'.

By the time she started High School (age 11 here) and started sex education propper, then she knew that what he was making her do was (i)wrong and (ii)sexual in nature. It was, of course, at this stage when the abuser started with the threats of what would happen if she told.

So, with respect, Sweetwood, how could you classify a girl/woman giving a boy/male a blow-job? If the boy was well into pubety ... and the girl not? Still non sexual to all but adults?
How about the boy fingering the girl's pussy? Still non-sexual?

Possibly you meant when a couple of 5 year olds do the 'Show me yours and you can see mine' bit ... but I can't see how anyone could possibly view what happened to my daughter as anything but sexual.




MissTaken - I am sorry I have added to this thread
I know that you would sooner it died a death ... but I had to vent.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Another interesting stroll back in time?

Catalina

 

[Richard49]

I do not know how I missed this tread to begin with.
I have major issues with Miss T but felt bad reading the attacks on her here over her simpling posting for discussion.

Any of us that have children have to deal with the boundries "we" agree on when it comes to them. I grew up with children hearing there mom calling there dad "Sir" on an occasion or two.

Part of the language problem here is the improper use of some words.
(ya this has been my band wagon and it is that bandwagon cause of the pain that i have seen and exprenced because of people's misuse of words)

1) lifestyle ... I hate this word used to describe what I am.
2) D/s and BDSM are NOT the same.

 

[shy slave]

If you take out the sexual elements of D/s Miss T raises an interesting question as to whether children should be brought up 'in the lifestyle'

What is the definition of the lifestyle without the sexual elements?

To me its more than 'Yes, Sir; no Sir' its about care, genuine interest, love and most importantly respect for another person.
Of course, many children are brought up knowing those elements, but reality may be they don't always see it in practice.

I was brought up in a strict household where both parents manipulated situations, different manipulations but similiar outcome. My parents believed then and now it taught us respect. It did, respect with fear.

I am 38 yrs old, and thought I had dealt with many if not all of this some years ago. Recent events have brought it back and Andante knows I am in a private hell over some things on some days that relate directly to that time of growing up.

I would have prefered a household with clearly defined roles without undercurrents.

I tried to give my children that. No-one suceeds 24/7 but you can be aware of failings.

If the lifestyle means kids know the score, where the bounderies are and what the outcome is AND the parents are open about the fact they to have bounderies, lines that when crossed show lack of understanding or disrespect it is surely a better, psychologically healthier upbringing.

In my previous job I saw many instances of parents working on a 'do as I say, not as I do' basis; which caused many difficulties at the time and possibly for coming years.

To me, D/s without sex is a two way street, if kids can see how parents can disagree at times but it does not become bigger than the overall goal of being together then it becomes a positive part of growing up allowing them to interact with others when disagreements occur.

 

[Belladonna]

I am so glad this thread is here, but a bit confused at some reactions. I am a mother, just getting my feet wet in the lufestyle. Where I feel that honesty with my children is imperative to their mental well being. How an individual raises their child is always a person decision, more so even than a romantic relationship. That being said, I am open with my kids about sexuality, but fear of scaring them. My daughter is 8 and already knows a vague idea of sex. She asked, so I told her. She is aware that there is such a thing as homosexual relationships, and that I beleive they are not wrong. I don't wait til she's a teen ager to sit down and hav ea talk with her about he birds and the bees. As questions arise, I answer them. If she may happen to see something (gods know how, but i plan on the unexpected) that might arise fear or curiosity, I will explian things to her open and hoinestly. And I will also tell her that some things will be better understood as she gets old. My son is only 5 and still very much growing is needed before he can comprehend enough to put his shoes on the correct foot.
This is my opinion, however. Like I said, raising one's child is very personal, and very difficult. Honesty is always best, though. Keeping the communication lines open. This is a good and healthy way, in my opinion, to better raise them in many regards, not just sexual questions, but all. I don't think this was mean to be an intrigue on raising one's child as a cum slut submissive, but how to keep family, children, and serving balanced without going completely and utterly insane, as well as exhausting one ona daily bassis.

 

[FurryFury]

It sounds like you are doing the right thing Belladona! Being open about any subject with your kids, I believe is really important. I never thought I would be able to discuss sex with my kids but with practice I have been able too.

Not long ago, my husband and I were using a yard stick to spank with in the bedroom. It feels great to me. I think he likes it a lot too.

We have a small house. The kids didn't like and mentioned the noise. I asked them why they didn't like it? Were they worried we were hurting one another? I explained that whatever Mommy and Daddy are doing in the bedroom during "adult time" we are doing because we both want to. They didn't like the noise itself so we quit using that at home. That is why I was so sad I left the yardstick at home by accident, on our recent trip!

Fury

 

[chris9]

I think (and since I don't have children nor am I in a D/s relationship that's all my theory and personal thinking) that when children are born into a D/s relationship that's not bedroom only they will learn by observation, by getting used to that one partner makes all the decisions, has the final say, is served/pampered by the other. I'd try to teach my children that this is not the way it always is, or is right, or should be, because probably they end up vanilla, and maybe in the opposite power exchange. Like I would not wish my children to think the man is boss in the house, everything must be done like he says, daughters help around the house, sons get spoiled.

If, however, I don't live with my children's dad or a man they see as a dad, because he has been there always, I would be very careful to make them see that decisions concerning them are made by ME, and by me alone. That I might do in general what the man says, fine, that I might talk to him/get his advice, fine. But the final say concerning my children is mine.

 

[Andante]

I think (and since I don't have children nor am I in a D/s relationship that's all my theory and personal thinking) that when children are born into a D/s relationship that's not bedroom only they will learn by observation, by getting used to that one partner makes all the decisions, has the final say, is served/pampered by the other. I'd try to teach my children that this is not the way it always is, or is right, or should be, because probably they end up vanilla, and maybe in the opposite power exchange. Like I would not wish my children to think the man is boss in the house, everything must be done like he says, daughters help around the house, sons get spoiled.

If, however, I don't live with my children's dad or a man they see as a dad, because he has been there always, I would be very careful to make them see that decisions concerning them are made by ME, and by me alone. That I might do in general what the man says, fine, that I might talk to him/get his advice, fine. But the final say concerning my children is mine.

That makes a lot of sense to me!