To Angel... (First Poem on Lit!)

[Lauren Hynde]

I'd like to state for the record that I have always known perky was a woman and not a guy with a very girly butt and cute panties.

I'd like to state for the record what she said too.

I'd also like to state for the record that I think the D/s capitalization thing is, as a general rule, silly. I expect my submissive companion to have some respect for herself and her mother tongue.

 

[Angeline]

I'd also like to state for the record that I think the D/s capitalization thing is, as a general rule, silly. I expect my submissive companion to have some respect for herself and her mother tongue.

Your companion is submissive? LOL! If you can make that woman submissive you should be ruler of the world. And I have nothing but respect for her mother, in spite of her watching incomprehensible sitcoms.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I think my world domination scheme is well on its way. Resistance is futile (but I don't mind some)

 

[darkmaas]

Well, world domination is all fine and dandy, Lauren, but in the mean time, what are you going to do about all the third person omniscients running about like a bunch of damned know-it-alls.

Just askin'

darkmaas

 

[TheDR4KE]

I'd like to state for the record what she said too.

I'd also like to state for the record that I think the D/s capitalization thing is, as a general rule, silly. I expect my submissive companion to have some respect for herself and her mother tongue.

Ditto on the ruffle butt


And I 'm in two minds about the capitalisation thing. For a purely text based relationship it seems a great way to assist with focus and expression.

I guess it is like smileys. You should not need them, but they have become part of a particular culture's style now. The same goes for the online D&S subculture I suppose.

Quack

the D

 

[Angeline]

To plagiarize a friend of mine, I think emoticons should be viewed with grave concern as they are nothing but an inadequate substitute for full, written explanation.

 

[perks]

I have to admit, I was not always sure I was a girl.
















But I check every so often, just to make completely sure.

 

[Angeline]

But I check every so often, just to make completely sure.

See, this is one of the ways I know you're really smart.

I have to leave now and meet my research colleague. We're conducting an important study on gender. Each other's.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Well, world domination is all fine and dandy, Lauren, but in the mean time, what are you going to do about all the third person omniscients running about like a bunch of damned know-it-alls.

Just askin'

darkmaas

I'm just giving them some time to catch their breaths back before I go for the proverbial jugular.

 

[darkmaas]

Angeline said:

To plagiarize a friend of mine, I think emoticons should be viewed with grave concern as they are nothing but
an inadequate substitute for full, written explanation.

Does that include the banana ballet?

 

[Angeline]

Does that include the banana ballet?

For every rule an exception, my dear. The nana dancers communicate just fine.

 

[IamDJSpyke]

OK...ummm...

I left the poem as is cus I didn't feel like pressing the edit button. Excuse me, I'm a lazy pothead, lol. I didn't mean to mispell Sodomize. It was a mistake. And it doesn't really friggin matter to the poetry anyway. But I see your point. Should have spelled it right.

As for the changing of the poem to her instead of me: Maybe she does want to be tied up. But you don't know her. I happen to know that she has a personal fantasy of using a strap on on another girl's ass. Sounds pretty fucking dominant, huh? lol. And the poem was written from my point of veiw, not hers. I want her to rape me. simple idea. And it was written, as all of my poems, not for anyone else, but for me. So I really didn't care if I got to fuck her or not as a result of this poem, they were just feeling.

And I have one of the most open minds you will ever see. The only 2 things I really hate in this world are people that are sheep and ignorant people(as defined) So I did consider your thoughts. I really did, however I don't think that they fit this poem very well. I think that I wrote it how I felt and I was asking for comments and critisizm not on the style of the poem, but on the poetry in it.

It's not that I'm being nieve about the whole thing, it's just that...Well, When people listen to Radiohead's music they always say this and that and this should be changed so that it fits in with what they are used to. Why? The music is how it's supposed to sound and if your mind is truely open, then no matter the form it will be beautifull. Same applies to peotry.


In my last class I wrote a poem that I've already been told by 3 people is too abstract and isn't poetry. I had a blank page, no lines. So I wrote all over it "You beleive your own lies" over and over again, always in straight lines but written bigger and smaller, over each other. Then at the very bottom it says "Even when you close your eyes"
There is no punctuation. No changes. No form. Fuck, I don't even know who it's about. Maybe me. Maybe the world. Maybe both. But I know it is beautifull reguardless of how many of my proffesors tell me otherwise.


As for the "gay" thing: I'm sorry I used the word in that sense. I didn't think before I wrote, as is often the case. In that sentence it is meant in a bad way, but that does not represent my thoughts about gays in general at all. Just to clear things up. Hope I didn't offend anyone too much.

 

[perks]

 

[ruminator]

Re: Re: Re: Deeper Issues

Coordinating conjunctions are the remedy.

Are there any other corrective measures for premature ejaculation available if the pharmacies are closed? I try to keep a supply of various conjunctions on hand but I've had some parties lately and I'm running low.

Using the Semicolon

Can you tell which of these sentences use the semicolon correctly?

1. America has much to accomplish; more than we realize.

2. The titles that medical paraprofessionals are given may differ; the complexity of their duties is the same, however.

3. America has much to accomplish, however, we also have much to gain.

4. The conference speakers were Jane Doe, president of Cyberpro Corporation; Jim Smith, superintendent of Richfield School District One; and John Doe, president of Southland Technical College.

Sentence 2 and 4 are correct. The semicolon is the mark of punctuation that is used to separate two independent clauses when there is no coordinating conjunction ("and," "but," "or," "nor," "for," "so," and "yet") between them.

To use a comma in sentence 2, which has no conjunction at all between its two clauses, would be to create the error that grammarians call the comma splice: the two clauses would be "spliced" (i.e., joined) when they need to be separated structurally. The comma is too weak a mark of punctuation to do that job; the sentence requires the stronger semicolon.

Sentence 4 is correct because it uses the semicolon in its second function: to separate items in a series when those items themselves have commas within them. Again, the comma is the weaker separator. Because we have used commas to separate each speaker's name from his or her title, the semicolon is necessary to separate clearly one unit of information from another.

Sentence 3 contains two independent clauses with a conjunction between them--the word "however," which is not a coordinating conjunction but an adverbial conjunction or a conjunctive adverb. (In sentence 2, "however" is simply an adverb; it is not functioning as a conjunction.) In such a case as sentence 3, the semicolon, not the comma, provides the strength of separation required by the two independent clauses.

Sentence 1 is incorrect because it uses the semicolon not between two independent clauses but between one independent clause ("America has much to accomplish") and one dependent clause ("than we realize") that functions as an adverb ("more than . . .") modifying the verb has in the main clause: "America has more to accomplish than we realize." The ideas in these two clauses--one independent and one dependent--are not of equal weight, are not equally balanced in structure and meaning, the way that two independent clauses in any sentence are. Instead, they are logically and structurally intertwined with one another and thus do not need the semicolon to separate them.

Consider this sentence:

Reproduction is a characteristic of all living systems; because no individual organism lives forever, reproduction is essential to the continuation of every species.

Here we have three clauses, and some writers might be tempted to place the semicolon after "forever." But to put it there would be wrong: the subordinating conjunction "because" creates and introduces a dependent clause that modifies the verb in the second main clause: it tells why "reproduction is essential." The actual juncture between two independent clauses, therefore, occurs after the first independent clause, "Reproduction is a characteristic of all living systems." The semicolon is required after "systems" because that is the point in the sentence where we need strong logical and structural separation.


http://www.getitwriteonline.com/archive/0***01.htm

 

[Angeline]

I gotta tell you, Spyke, you are entitled to your opinion of course as we all are, but I think you are missing the point.

The reason I said I am open-minded in my earlier post is not to show you that I know a lot or that I'm more open-minded than you are, but to say that I am willing to look at something very avant-garde or something very traditional and say: "Yup, it's a poem." Many won't. Sounds like you have run into some of them. Maybe some are your teachers.

You say you are open-minded. I believe you are. I believe that there are many poets who create what they believe to be poems that other people will look at and say "What the hell is that?" Does that make them not poems? Many would say they're not. I don't know. I only know what I like.

I live near New York City, and for many years every New Year's Eve I would go to an annual poetry reading at St. Mark's Church in Greenwich Village. It's famous, is this annual reading (well among poets), and I have heard some wonderful poetry there from poets most people would consider among the best. I have also heard poets there who were doing some very "out there" stuff. For example, I remember one year these two guys (forget their names), got up on the stage--one guy said "A" and the other said "B." They did this for about five minutes or so and it got pretty absurd and funny. Big applause followed. Was it poetry? It was performance for sure, but who would buy the book?

If you honestly believe that you have a vision and you are following it, good for you. Live long and prosper. I am sincere in saying this to you. However, I stand by what I originally said about believing in learning from others' reviews of your work. If I approach a review of my poem with anything less than the belief that there is a potential for learning from it, it's my loss.

I also stand by what I said about writers and readers. If you write something that cannot communicate, either because it is poorly written or because it is so quirky that no one but you or the person you wrote it for (assuming you wrote it for someone) understands, then it doesn't matter how good you think it is. No one understood. It did not communicate. It is failed writing. If you write something for one person and you give it to her and she understands, great. But if no one else will, why bother showing it to anyone else, let alone asking what people think and, when they answer, saying "you misunderstood"?

Is it really worth it to invest energy in saying "My poem is good!" over and over when everyone who reads it says "Huh?" Maybe it is. Throughout history the greatest, most creative minds have been laughed at and dismissed until eventually people realize the genius that was there all along. But you know, there aren't too many da Vincis. There's mostly people who could benefit from considering and learning. It's not about spelling or punctuation or the world not understanding the form you chose; it's about readers understanding what you had to say.

 

[IamDJSpyke]

OK, I really don't mind people hijacking my thread and talking about mindless bullshit, cus I do it sometimes too. In fact if I had more time I'd be right in there with you(and if I could figure out what ya'll are talking about!)

However, please at least read the poem and give your thoughts. Thats all I ask. It's not that long even. 30 seconds to read. 2 minutes to post comments. Then you can go back to talking about semi-colons and pre-mature ejaculation, whatever the fuck those have in common!

 

[IamDJSpyke]

beleive me, Angeline, I understand. I'm one of those people who basically despises the "sheep" of the world and is all for free thought for everyone. I hate censorship more than anything. No matter the message, people should be able to say what they beleive and think.

As for not presenting my poem to the world just because they may not understand it...I disagree fully with that. People as a whole are jaded and ignorant. However, just because they don't understand deson't mean they shouldn't be shown. 99% of my poetry is written only for myself, hell half of it is never even written at all, just in my head. But if I want to show the world my thoughts and what I consider to be poetry, I should be able to, in fact if people as a whole do not understand it, thats all the more reason to show it to them, isn't it?

The world will never progress is we live only in the present and only for what we currently understand. In olden days, if a great new idea or thought was brought forth the person would be put to death. So should that idea or message been kept inside, only for that person and no one else to even try to understand?

I respect and seriously think about every bit of critisizm I get. Some people say after 3 people say the same thing it's time for reflection. Well, when one person tell me something I reflect on it. However, one must seriously consider whether the critisizm is coming from an ignorant person(on that topic) or an expert. I'm not saying that those who have critisized me are ignorant, but perhaps only closed minded. And even if not that, perhaps not as open minded as one ought to be.

Angeline, thank you very much for actually talking to me about this, instead of about semi-colons and erections. All Thoughts Are ALWAYS WELCOME!!

 

[darkmaas]

OK

However, please at least read the poem and give your thoughts. Thats all I ask. It's not that long even. 30 seconds to read. 2 minutes to post comments.

First off, with the possible exception of Fool who I only know from sharing a drink, I can assure you that everyone who posted here read your poem. I personally didn't comment after your response to the first words of criticism, which seemed to indicate that you didn't want advice or help.

My apologies.

I liked the story behind the poem. If you read my stuff (shameless plug), you will find that I am fascinated by people interacting in situations outside of the standard "Boy-meets-Girl, Boy and Girl Cum at the Same Time" plot.

The poem didn't live up to the advance billing for the reasons pointed out by perky_baby. My suggestion for improvement would be to take 10% of the effort expended replying to your critics and convert the entire post into a poem, resubmit it and I promise, I, at least, will review it again.

Hope this helps.

darkmaas

 

[Angeline]

As for not presenting my poem to the world just because they may not understand it...I disagree fully with that. People as a whole are jaded and ignorant. However, just because they don't understand deson't mean they shouldn't be shown. 99% of my poetry is written only for myself, hell half of it is never even written at all, just in my head. But if I want to show the world my thoughts and what I consider to be poetry, I should be able to, in fact if people as a whole do not understand it, thats all the more reason to show it to them, isn't it?

The world will never progress is we live only in the present and only for what we currently understand. In olden days, if a great new idea or thought was brought forth the person would be put to death. So should that idea or message been kept inside, only for that person and no one else to even try to understand?

We can't live anywhere but the present. And I'm against censorship. You (or anyone) can write whatever you want. I'm just saying there are different reasons for not understanding. I don't speak Swahili so if you give me a great, well-written poem in Swahili, I won't understand. I do speak English, and if you give me a poem written in English that's full of errors or is unclear, I may not understand either. The difference is that the Swahili poet is not responsible for me not knowing his language, but the English poet is responsible for not communicating to someone who does know his language.

There's a big difference between a great idea and an idea that cannot be evaluated as great or not because it's poorly stated.

That's just logic to me. It has nothing to do with now or then. Logic is timeless.

 

[The_Fool]

Re: OK

First off, with the possible exception of Fool who I only know from sharing a drink, I can assure you that everyone who posted here read your poem. I personally didn't comment after your response to the first words of criticism, which seemed to indicate that you didn't want advice or help.

My apologies.

darkmaas

I read the poem, Perky's post and Spyke's response all at the same time. I also felt like responses other than awe and worship were of little interest and to be ignored.

My thoughts:


I wrote this to a girl I have a major crush on after I found a "Starter's Bondage Kit" under her bed(hehe)


Angel, I will be your victim.
Sadomize me as you please.
Rape me, Use me.
Fuck me, Abuse me.
Angel, keep me on my knees

Angel I will be your victim.
Tie me up just how you like.
Straps and whips,
Contrast porcelain lips.
Angel I am yours tonight.


I read it to her and she really liked it. Said it made her wet, "but we are just friends" Christ...I don't get girls, lol.

Tell me what you all think.

To begin with, I felt the tone of this poem was in conflict with the words and the assumed impression. The speaker (since it’s in first person) is offering to the sub for a B&D encounter. But the strength of the wording is categorically dominate. A true Dom would be pissed as hell at her sub if he came across so demanding. You don’t tell her what to do, she tells you what to do.
Specific Lines:

Sadomize me as you please.

I had two thoughts here. First, I assumed it was misspelled, but found it close enough to Saddam that it intrigued me with the thought of substituting Saddamize me as you please. Not recommending, just found that phrase interesting. Second, for a woman to sodomize a man, there are two actions that can take place. Shove a dildo up his ass or give him a blowjob. Legally, a blowjob is considered sodomy. The dildo thought generated a “that’s nice.” The blowjob thought once again established conflict between the stated direction and the phrasing used.

Straps and whips,
Contrast porcelain lips.

My interpretation is black on white. Straps and whips of black leather contrasting porcelain which is white and smooth. You stated in another post that the porcelain referred to “porcelain skin.” My vision of lips and skin are that they differ quite a bit in color and smoothness. Therefore you lost this reader with that contrast. But it does rhyme.

Rape me, Use me.
Fuck me, Abuse me.
Angel, keep me on my knees
Tie me up just how you like…

All these lines come across as authoritative, commanding. Once again, who is the controller?

Tell me what you all think.

I think we have all misunderstood this poem. This is not a poem about a boy asking to be tied up by a girl. This is about a dom playing with a sub. This is a satire of the bdsm culture. You are obviously no sub, which comes across in your posts. You are too arrogant to submit to someone.
Thinking of it in those terms makes it more interesting. Otherwise I consider it indifferent and flat.

 

[perks]

well said ....er ....written.

 

[TheDR4KE]

I'm not saying that those who have critisized me are ignorant, but perhaps only closed minded. And even if not that, perhaps not as open minded as one ought to be.

and

However, please at least read the poem and give your thoughts. Thats all I ask. It's not that long even. 30 seconds to read. 2 minutes to post comments.

Having given you about 45 minutes for my comment earlier, rather than 2, I wonder what you are actually looking for. From your follow on posts, and yes I did read all of them, I think you're after something like:
"Great Poem"
"Love your work"
"Got anymore?"
"Wow - you da man"

Tell me ... what are you after? What would the ideal open-minded reader just walking into this thread write in reply?

Quack

the D

 

[IamDJSpyke]

aww, fuck it, lol.


Thanks for the comments. Imma post another poem now, and you can comment if you like, and critisize if you like.

The poem as I wrote it will not be changed because then it doesn't represent what I was thinking exactly.

In clarification of the "sadomize" thing. Sorry for the spelling. I'll use spell check next time. But Saddamizing is the funniest thing I've heard today, if not the most disturbing. lol.

As for the roles, I'm not all into the SUPER KINKY shit. No dildo is going up my ass. I was using everything as a general term. And this poem was more of a pleading than a telling. Read itlike that I guess. Me begging her to do these things to me instead of commanding her. That makes it better, I think. Other than that, any misunderstanding, I can only say I'm sorry, and that I am now damn sure that "sodomize" does not have a friggin A.


Read my other poems if you'd like! Thank you!!!!!!!!!

 

[champagne1982]

[...]I think that I wrote it how I felt and I was asking for comments and critisizm not on the style of the poem, but on the poetry in it. [...]
[...]
In my last class I wrote a poem that I've already been told by 3 people is too abstract and isn't poetry. I had a blank page, no lines. So I wrote all over it "You beleive your own lies" over and over again, always in straight lines but written bigger and smaller, over each other. Then at the very bottom it says "Even when you close your eyes"
There is no punctuation. No changes. No form. Fuck, I don't even know who it's about. Maybe me. Maybe the world. Maybe both. But I know it is beautifull reguardless of how many of my proffesors tell me otherwise.

You want criticism on the poetry in it when I see no poetry... Thus, MY OPINION is that it sucks.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I'm sorry if I sound harsh or catty or whatever. This is a personal commentary that you want the world to validate through unwarranted praise. Your "sadomy" poem may have made your friend Angel wet but it did fuck all for me.

By the way you misspelt (I'm Canadian so yeah, that word exists) believe in your abstract poetry. If we all thought about poetry as you do then every ad and billboard in the world would qualify for a Pulitzer and I would be Poet Laureate. Thank you for taking the art seriously.

Perhaps that's what you should do. Call it something than poetry and be avant garde in the art world.

 

[Angeline]

Thanks for the comments. Imma post another poem now, and you can comment if you like, and critisize if you like.

The poem as I wrote it will not be changed because then it doesn't represent what I was thinking exactly.

Unless you want to continue getting the kinds of comments you see here, don't waste your time posting. You don't understand the way this board works--it's for people who want to help each other grow as writers. You have basically told everyone here who put time into giving you objective feedback after you asked what they thought that no one can tell you anything because you know what you meant. Fine by me. If you think it can't be changed for whatever reason, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Now, as you see, everyone is getting pretty irritated with your request for comments, but refusal to make changes. Like I said before, I can name you a few places where you'll be welcomed with open arms and your poems will be loved no matter what. Listen carefully--it doesn't work that way here. You're wasting everyone's time, including your own. And trust me, I'm being nicer about it than anyone else here would. If you want the names of the other places, send me a pm. Otherwise, I'm not responding again, and I suspect that short of rants, other folks won't either.