Top 10 Most Hated Sex Story Cliches

[Le Jacquelope]

I read this right after reading the post titled "Ignorance is confusing", so of course I saw wanton as wonton. Which makes the image even stranger

Wonton woman. Oh no. Let's not do that again.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Wonton woman. Oh no. Let's not do that again.

OK,but what about wanton soup?

 

[age_matters]

OK,but what about wanton soup?

haha are you from asia?

love wanton soup lol

 

[elfin_odalisque]

haha are you from asia?

love wanton soup lol

No, just love chinese food and have been enjoying the threads about wonton women.

What about bird's nest women?

 

[Le Jacquelope]

OK,but what about wanton soup?

We're not still talking about anal sex, are we?

BTW I liked your submission re: bras. Has anyone thought of compiling these things into a book?

 

[age_matters]

What about bird's nest women?

sounds hairy lol

i love chinese food too... in fact... i am a chinese!

 

[YaoiHuntressE]

I agree with a lot of your cliches. (Especally #2) Though I did "It's so big" thing once for a one-page sex parody comic. As for the bodily proportions debate, I can see both sides of the whole realism vs fantasy debate (though I favor more of the realism side myself.)

 

[Arafura]

"I was as hard as a cement sidewalk."

Wow...what could be sexier than that image?

One of my faves!

 

[Darla_Darling]

"I was as hard as a cement sidewalk."

Wow...what could be sexier than that image?

One of my faves!

I'm not being sarcastic here when I say I like that! Where did you get that quote? I want to read the story now.

 

[Arafura]

I'm not being sarcastic here when I say I like that! Where did you get that quote? I want to read the story now.

Oh man! It was featured on writing.com somewhere as an example. I'll see if I can check the reference and find the story they were quoting.

 

[Darla_Darling]

Oh man! It was featured on writing.com somewhere as an example. I'll see if I can check the reference and find the story they were quoting.

Hey, if it's a big hassle don't worry about tracking down the story. I just liked the absurd imagery, comparing a penis to a sidewalk. Without reading the rest of the story it's impossible to know whether the writer was being clever and playful or just downright idiotic.

 

[Arafura]

Hey, if it's a big hassle don't worry about tracking down the story. I just liked the absurd imagery, comparing a penis to a sidewalk. Without reading the rest of the story it's impossible to know whether the writer was being clever and playful or just downright idiotic.

Unfortunately it was more on the idiotic side...this just really stood out!

 

[YaoiHuntressE]

"I was as hard as a cement sidewalk."

Wow...what could be sexier than that image?

One of my faves!

In a strange way, I keep pictureing some hard-boiled detective type from a black-and-white movie saying this. Say, that could make for a great sex parody story.

 

[RoperTrace]

I'm not being sarcastic here when I say I like that! Where did you get that quote? I want to read the story now.

I agree totally...great line, wished I'd thought it up.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

We're not still talking about anal sex, are we?

BTW I liked your submission re: bras. Has anyone thought of compiling these things into a book?

You missed anatomy 101 - you compile those things into a boob - not a book.

Serious, can we campaign against measurements in stories. Sort of, if you hit the numeric pad, you will be trolled.

 

[bluecaban13]

OH god..lol

I have to agree with your comments, especially points 2-10 but as for number 1… I don't know if you've ever been with someone and just had a moment so intense you loose control of your legs, and the ability to focus on anything other then the pleasure you’re receiving. I have. And the description of: "Unnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Is sometimes the best and only way to describe it. Mind you this happens when the author doesn’t want to go into another two paragraphs of how intense the orgasm is. Though I have to admit to putting this somewhat distasteful tête-à-tête in my story!

But sometimes guys you have to read the worst, before you are able to acknowledge and appreciate the best.

faith

 

[pop_54]

When I start a story (reading that is) as soon as I see any reference to... 44DDD... 14 inches... Pussy... Or any comments like.... fucked her for seven days non stop... she had 53 orgasms and I had 54... OhhhhhhhhhhhhhAhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!... I shut it down immediately

 

[Le Jacquelope]

You missed anatomy 101 - you compile those things into a boob - not a book.

Serious, can we campaign against measurements in stories. Sort of, if you hit the numeric pad, you will be trolled.

I've done that before. Long ago, that is. I outgrew that by the time I started submitting to trash-level erotica e-publishers.

 

[Arafura]

The measurements thing bugs me too because it says so little.

34A? Pretty flat.
38DD? Pretty huge.

But who really thinks that boobs just come down to bra size? It's all about the shape, how they lie, the positioning of the nipples, nipple size:boob size, perky or pendulous, soft, firm.....

Just sayin, as a female breast appreciator, bra size is the last thing on my mind.

 

[kandie]

Hello, New to this forum...so bear with me! LOL!

1. "Unnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" or "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee!" or "Ooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Oh my, when they use words like this, this retired nurse wants to email them and ask them where the pain is....LOL!

2. "Love tunnel", "love pudding", "throbbing manhood", "love shaft", and any other crass, pedestrian, romance-novel euphamism for genitalia.

Now this one makes me upset, its a cock, a dick, a throbbing member or a penis. I have no idea what those words above mean. LOL......I just could not help myself on that one. hehe!

3. "She was 18 years old, 5'4" with tanned skin, long blonde hair and DD breasts."

Well that girl needs a doctor, she is abnormal. Or the person writing it needs glasses.

4. "He walked into the room and immediately started pumping his cock into her!"

HUM, where was she spread eagle at the freaking door....LOL!


5. "Her ass still had its cherry."

The only way that ass has a cherry is it someone added cool-whip and a cherry. Hehe!

6. "Oh, I'm cumming!"

Now this is one phrase that I use and freguently. Oh shucks, now your saying I fake it and I am abnormal. Well I for one like to let the whole house know I am cumming and most of the time, scare the piss out of our little dog.

7. "Her pussy was naturally hairless."

Right, maybe the person who wrote this was BRAINLESS! LOL!

8. "It's so big!"

What's big...........is what I would ask the person who said this. Watch out I am on a roll.

9. "He thrust his penis into her and she immediately orgasmed."

NO one ever does this in reality, so why do writers tell us this is what the guy did.

10. "His cock was 26 inches long and ten inches in diameter!"

Yeah, and I have a pussy that is 12 inches long and about 10 inches deep. If you believe that, you win the booby prize. LOL!

Thanks for letting me add my two cents. It reallllllly made my day. I could not help it, my finger got stuck on the keyboard. XOXOX Kandie.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I've done that before. Long ago, that is. I outgrew that by the time I started submitting to trash-level erotica e-publishers.

Just keep the faith. We will win. With more women writing and publishing porn the pendulum is swinging.

Hell, even Rumple submitted a stroke story from a female POV for the Valentine's contest. There's hope for humanity.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Just *bump*, *bump*, *bumpity-bump* to keep it up the list.

 

[DonFox]

When discussing outrageous descriptions like "throbbing love sword" or hard statistics like 38DDD, I think it depends upon the voice. If a story is being told first-person from a male perspective, ala a Penthouse Forum letter, it is likely to include such elements, and they actually add to the realism (if not always the eroticism) in my opinion. When "Joe Average" describes his sexual enocunters/conquests, he is often prone to exaggerating, both to make himelf sound better and because great sex (like any intense experience) tends to cloud one's perspective. When a guy wants a girl so bad that it hurts or when he suddenly finds himself the recipient of some amorous attention from someone he never thought he had a chance with (both commonplace in erotic stories), he will tend to overestimate the woman's beauty and physical attributes. By the same token, this ordinary man is unlikely to write an overly flowery, literary account of the deed. It is more likely that he would describe it in much the same way that he would if he was talking about it to a friend, only with a bit more embellishment of the details for dramatic effect.

The only time that sort of language is distracting for me is in a traditional, third-person narrative, because the sometimes cartoonish imagery is often inconsistent with the overall tone of the piece.

 

[floweringquince]

WARNING - Rant - WARNING

Okay, I have only seen this twice, but it still peeves me six ways from Tuesday.

The authors have somehow figured out that Chivas Regal is not the be-all and end-all of classy scotch; and so have their characters indulging in a single malt scotch - so far, so good.

But when they come to specify the malt, they refer to "Glenmorangey" or "Glenmorangy."

(GRRRRrrrrr - What, I ask you, what! did the poor whisky distillers of Morangie Glen ever do to these authors to deserve that sort of treatment?)

Fer cryin' out loud: if you can't spell it, look it up.
If you can't look it up, the Glenlivet is almost as tasty, and much more phonetic.
Or just say "a top-quality Strathspey single malt scotch." (You are not allowed to even *think* about Islay malts like Laphroaig or Bunnahabhain.)

And while we're at it, it is most properly not "Glenmorangie"; but "the Glenmorangie", short for "the whisky of the Glenmorangie distillery."

Until you can spell what you're writing about, I recommend sticking to a good-value blended scotch; such as, oh, say, maybe, Teacher's


(Thank you. I'm quite sure I'm the only one who gives a rat's backside about this, but I do feel much better now

End Of Rant. We now return you to our (putatively) normal discourse.

 

[slyc_willie]

Okay, I have only seen this twice, but it still peeves me six ways from Tuesday.

The authors have somehow figured out that Chivas Regal is not the be-all and end-all of classy scotch; and so have their characters indulging in a single malt scotch - so far, so good.

But when they come to specify the malt, they refer to "Glenmorangey" or "Glenmorangy."

(GRRRRrrrrr - What, I ask you, what! did the poor whisky distillers of Morangie Glen ever do to these authors to deserve that sort of treatment?)

Fer cryin' out loud: if you can't spell it, look it up.
If you can't look it up, the Glenlivet is almost as tasty, and much more phonetic.
Or just say "a top-quality Strathspey single malt scotch." (You are not allowed to even *think* about Islay malts like Laphroaig or Bunnahabhain.)

And while we're at it, it is most properly not "Glenmorangie"; but "the Glenmorangie", short for "the whisky of the Glenmorangie distillery."

Until you can spell what you're writing about, I recommend sticking to a good-value blended scotch; such as, oh, say, maybe, Teacher's


(Thank you. I'm quite sure I'm the only one who gives a rat's backside about this, but I do feel much better now

End Of Rant. We now return you to our (putatively) normal discourse.

I think I just fell in love.

Thank you, Quince.

I have been a lover of Scotch for a good ten years or so now. As far as I am concerned, blends such as Johnnie Walker (even the Blue Label), that deplorable Cutty Sark, and even Chivas Regal are bastards.

Good Scotch consists of a pure, single malt. Glenmorangie, Glenfiddich, Laiphoraigh (hope I got the spelling right, Quince) and the aforementioned Glenlivet fall into this category. The sharp aroma, rich flavor, that sweet, twisting bite as it trickles down . . . .

I have a bottle of THE Glenmorangie 20-year from which I seldom partake. But in your honor . . .