Top 10 Most Hated Sex Story Cliches

[floweringquince]

I think I just fell in love.

I have a bottle of THE Glenmorangie 20-year from which I seldom partake. But in your honor . . .

I'll be right over, Slyc...

Funny, ordinary mispellings (e.g. "I shuvved my birsting cok up her eagr hull.") don't irritate me nearly so much. I usually just give up on the story and look for something readable.

But when it's a matter so near and dear to my heart* as single malt scotch - then the gloves are off, Bucko, and no holds are barred.

- Quince

(*Certain bursting cocks may indeed be near and dear to my heart, as inclination and opportunity allow, but no "birsting cok" ever shall

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Single Cask Tamnavulin 14yo Speyside Single Malt 46%

I'm just about to sign out and treat myself to a 'wee dram' of the elixir. Bye.

 

[slyc_willie]

(e.g. "I shuvved my birsting cok up her eagr hull.")/QUOTE]

I just imagined a guy fucking a ship . . . 'eagr hull,' indeed.

 

[Darla_Darling]

Single Cask Tamnavulin 14yo Speyside Single Malt 46%

I'm just about to sign out and treat myself to a 'wee dram' of the elixir. Bye.

Elfin, you make me tremble with thirst!

 

[slyc_willie]

Single Cask Tamnavulin 14yo Speyside Single Malt 46%

I'm just about to sign out and treat myself to a 'wee dram' of the elixir. Bye.

Let me come with you! Please!

 

[anonymousreader]

More cliches

I came across a list of the top cliches in alt.sex stories, here:

http://www.modemac.com/cliches.html

Some of my favorites from that list are:

- Babysitters are the luckiest people on the face of the earth.

- School teachers and college professors are the second luckiest people on the face of the earth.

- Cocks pound, drill, impale, and skewer. Pussies suck, clamp, and milk. Are we having sex or shop class?

- The Superbowl is every wife's big chance to finally get to fuck 2-4 of her husband's closest friends, and these friends are always attractive.

---------------

your mileage may vary...

 

[Le Jacquelope]

- Cocks pound, drill, impale, and skewer. Pussies suck, clamp, and milk. Are we having sex or shop class?

Now that's overzealous. Of the six metaphors they derided there, only two (clamp and drill) are anywhere close to bad.

 

[anonymousreader]

Yeah I guess that is a little overzealous. As I said though, those were another's list, and the selected cliches were just my favorites from the list.

Here's another cliche that I have seen used too often: "Cuckolded husbands all turn out to have been Navy SEALs." Damn, sure is a good thing I didn't join the SEALs...

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Let me come with you! Please!

Do you mean 'with' or 'in'? A girl likes to know where she stands (or lies).

 

[mjl2010]

Well everything I read here and I still didn't see my most hated cliche. I think it's cliche anyway.

The guy is deflowering his virgin partner. Their all hot and heavy and finally he gets to the point of penetration. His dick is two inches into her and suddenly he encounters her hymen.

A little anatomy lesson please. The hymen is not inside the vagina, it's a membrane across the opening of it. For really neat pictures of hymens you can go to here and actually see what one looks like.

Ok I got that off my chest.

Yepp

MJL

 

[Le Jacquelope]

Yeah I guess that is a little overzealous. As I said though, those were another's list, and the selected cliches were just my favorites from the list.

Here's another cliche that I have seen used too often: "Cuckolded husbands all turn out to have been Navy SEALs." Damn, sure is a good thing I didn't join the SEALs...

You should see what some of the Japanese executives do on Japanese TV in the name of sexual self-humiliation. You can't make that shit up.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Well everything I read here and I still didn't see my most hated cliche. I think it's cliche anyway.

The guy is deflowering his virgin partner. Their all hot and heavy and finally he gets to the point of penetration. His dick is two inches into her and suddenly he encounters her hymen.

A little anatomy lesson please. The hymen is not inside the vagina, it's a membrane across the opening of it. For really neat pictures of hymens you can go to here and actually see what one looks like.

Ok I got that off my chest.

Yepp

MJL

Sad!

Like the absence of STDs and pregnancies, hymens are the holy grail here. Despite the fact that horse riding, cycling, tampons or even 'sexual aids' would have done the dirty deed we are old-fashioned (especially the men). We like to have a traditional deflowering.

Heck, it's just fantasy.

 

[mjl2010]

Sad!

Like the absence of STDs and pregnancies, hymens are the holy grail here. Despite the fact that horse riding, cycling, tampons or even 'sexual aids' would have done the dirty deed we are old-fashioned (especially the men). We like to have a traditional deflowering.

Heck, it's just fantasy.

I know. Just if you're going to write about it, try for a little reality in the anatomy. Of course, all the guys in my stories are well hung.

MJL

 

[Velvet_Touch]

*grinning*

Hi DarlingNikki,

I think this is definitely a 'gender' issue.

Apparently us men have a knack for pointing out the bleedin' obvious!

How a woman doesn't know we are cumming beggars belief. But I still do it just to offer reassurance that everything (on my part anyway), has gone to plan!!

Ian

I don't know about the rest of you, but I love this! Everything in life should be this simple.

 

[S21K73]

Cliches, etc...

I'm relatively new here, with only two stories posted so far, and one pending review. I have, however, written quite a bit for gay male archives. I also read mostly gay porn (strange, I guess, since I'm a woman--but it really turns me on), and have for many years. Minus the errors regarding female anatomy and sexual response, you'll find, as some of you probably know, a lot of the same hated cliches in male-male stories.

For one thing, the numbers. It's usually limited to height, weight, and cock size--but I swear I've seen waist, pecs, arm-width, etc, given in inches, at least once. Numbers don't help me visualize anything, and their use in initial character description usually indicates that the author won't be generating any heat when it comes time to detail the act itself.

Somewhat related, there are too many authors out there--perhaps not so many on Literotica, but on other archives, certainly--who will confine their description of hair and eye color to a simple br/br or blk/bl, as if trying to save space in a personals ad. Lazy, amateurish, annoying, uninspired, and unerotic. Then again, some might say I tend to go to the opposite extreme in my detailed description of what I think makes the characters I see in my head so appealing!

Anatomical oddities. As you might expect, I've come across quite a few "monster dick" stories--a real turn off, and silly besides. If it's a size-fetish story, fine, it's fantasy, but I get tired of reading this in stories which are supposed to be about normal hot guys getting it on. Furthermore, phrases like "monster dick" conjure up something more sci-fi than sexy. Which brings us to Bad Nicknames for Parts of the Anatomy: "boy-pussy" and "man-cunt" are a few I get pretty sick of in gay porn; the picture I get in my head makes me suspect I may have clicked on the "transgender" section by accident. "Horse-dick"--I'm into humans, thanks. "Shitter"--didn't need that reminder of the orifice's other function.

OK--end gay porn rant. I know a majority of readers/posters are probably into hetero stuff, so on that note, a few words on size and real women:

I can only speak from my perspective as a petite woman who simply cannot accommodate men beyond a certain size without significant discomfort, but I find overly large penises a bit sickening, and the idea of a "foot-long donkey dong" (or what you will) pretty laughable. That's a circus freak, people.

The male obsession with penis size is frustrating for me (I could compare having to listen to a guy whine about it to one of you fellas having to put up with your perfectly fine-sized girlfriend complaining all the time about her weight). I wish more men would realize there are women out there who are built small and appreciate being able to fit you nicely inside them--they'd feel a lot more relaxed about the issue, I think.

Last--I've read this whole thread, and I remember one woman pointing out that she's more into men's butts than their cocks (at least in terms of what she looks at first). Amen to that, I'm the same way, and for me it goes beyond merely looking. Some guys find that odd, others like it.

 

[ProfessorR]

Size issues in the real world are subjective, unless the person involved has done an "exhaustive" review of sex organs. It seems to me that the way to separate good writing from cliched writing is that good writing expresses how the characters feel about what they are sensing, based on their own expectations and physical characteristics.

To put it less academically, I was worried when I was a teenager in gym class and saw the size of some of the other guys. Then I gradually discovered that most women were looking for other attributes first of all. To put it more deliciously, one of those attributes was having an idea of what to do with it.

I've used those cliches in my stories at time as satire, but I wonder if some people have not gotten past their teen ideas.

 

[lordonlyknows]

ironically large post

This isn't a cliche exactly, nor am I trying to bash anyone, but I really dislike stories that go beyond two pages. Generally, I think one page should suffice, and if it's very steamy and a lot of description is necessary, then two is fine. But if you've hit the three page marker, usually I'm bored of you.

I don't expect a lot of people to agree, and it certainly is a kin to the gender issue; I'm a guy, I don't need three pages of warm up fondling before we get to the point of the story.

My favorite stories generally consist of plotlines which:

1. Serve as the foundation, not the driving force.

2. Don't pass over more than a day's worth of time.

3. Enhance (by means of imagery or diction or what have you) the important factors and keep the fluff to a minimum (description of setting, attire, flashbacks, etc...).

A good erotic story should be like a 3 minute song. It's focused on one idea and expands on it. I find it better to have one or two really developped pages as opposed to five or six pages bursting with fluffy imagery/will they - wont they? tension.

This would also explain why I never read any series stories. Every story allows you the oppurtunity of fresh characters and setting, so why keep using the same one over and over and over and over.

 

[Darla_Darling]

This isn't a cliche exactly, nor am I trying to bash anyone, but I really dislike stories that go beyond two pages. Generally, I think one page should suffice, and if it's very steamy and a lot of description is necessary, then two is fine. But if you've hit the three page marker, usually I'm bored of you.

I don't expect a lot of people to agree, and it certainly is a kin to the gender issue; I'm a guy, I don't need three pages of warm up fondling before we get to the point of the story.

My favorite stories generally consist of plotlines which:

1. Serve as the foundation, not the driving force.

2. Don't pass over more than a day's worth of time.

3. Enhance (by means of imagery or diction or what have you) the important factors and keep the fluff to a minimum (description of setting, attire, flashbacks, etc...).

A good erotic story should be like a 3 minute song. It's focused on one idea and expands on it. I find it better to have one or two really developped pages as opposed to five or six pages bursting with fluffy imagery/will they - wont they? tension.

This would also explain why I never read any series stories. Every story allows you the oppurtunity of fresh characters and setting, so why keep using the same one over and over and over and over.

I agree. If I click on a story and it is three pages or over, I won't read it unless the opening paragraph is extremely captivating, which is almost never.

Too many amateur writers have difficulty grasping economy of language.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I agree. If I click on a story and it is three pages or over, I won't read it unless the opening paragraph is extremely captivating, which is almost never.

Too many amateur writers have difficulty grasping economy of language.

What's so important of economy of language? A significant portion of my work consists of 20K chapters...

 

[YaoiHuntressE]

lordonlyknows: I'm normally a little more patient, but I see what you mean. Sometimes I like a good quickie story, but I kind of prefer stuff that takes some time to build up before getting to the smut.

S21K73: Don't feel weird for being a woman who likes gay porn. I'm a huge fan of it as well. I agree with you a 100% on bad body terms like "boy-pussy" and such as well as overly huge cocks. I'm kind of a realist thanks to the man-smut fans I use to hang with.

 

[Arafura]

This isn't a cliche exactly, nor am I trying to bash anyone, but I really dislike stories that go beyond two pages. Generally, I think one page should suffice, and if it's very steamy and a lot of description is necessary, then two is fine. But if you've hit the three page marker, usually I'm bored of you.

I don't expect a lot of people to agree, and it certainly is a kin to the gender issue; I'm a guy, I don't need three pages of warm up fondling before we get to the point of the story.

My favorite stories generally consist of plotlines which:

1. Serve as the foundation, not the driving force.

2. Don't pass over more than a day's worth of time.

3. Enhance (by means of imagery or diction or what have you) the important factors and keep the fluff to a minimum (description of setting, attire, flashbacks, etc...).

A good erotic story should be like a 3 minute song. It's focused on one idea and expands on it. I find it better to have one or two really developped pages as opposed to five or six pages bursting with fluffy imagery/will they - wont they? tension.

This would also explain why I never read any series stories. Every story allows you the oppurtunity of fresh characters and setting, so why keep using the same one over and over and over and over.

I think it's a hard balance to strike between having just enough character development to make the scene sexier (I find I can picture the sex more easily and I find it hotter when I know a little bit about them), and rambling on for hours before the action.

Thus, I like to drop BIG hints at the beginning, whether through a brief fantasy or remembering some previous sex - whatever it is, it gets the point across that this story is about SEX and will drip with it from beginning to end.

A little setting - only what's going to be relevant to the workings of the story (like one I just wrote set in the dentist's office) - minimal flowery description, and getting to the hot action in time make for a good erotica story.

I don't mean to offend anyone on here, as there are some talented writers, but if I'm reading a sex story, I'm reading it for the sex. If I want great literature, well, I'm not coming to literotica for that.

 

[lordonlyknows]

I don't mean to offend anyone on here, as there are some talented writers, but if I'm reading a sex story, I'm reading it for the sex. If I want great literature, well, I'm not coming to literotica for that.

Exactly, so the techniques used while writing an erotic story should consist only of those that enhance the eroticism of the sex.

Cut the fat, people.

 

[CeriseNoire]

Personally, I consider my brain a sex organ as well. That means it need to be stimulated along with everything else. If I'm busy thinking that what I'm reading is dreadful writing, I can't get turned on. For me the writing makes the difference between porn and erotica. That said, a piece should not be long for the sake of being long.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Personally, I consider my brain a sex organ as well. That means it need to be stimulated along with everything else. If I'm busy thinking that what I'm reading is dreadful writing, I can't get turned on. For me the writing makes the difference between porn and erotica. That said, a piece should not be long for the sake of being long.

Agree 100% Cerise. More and more, written erotica (and romantic erotica) is becomimg the domain of women because of what you say. Male erotica is more and more based on visual - DVD, Internet - fantasy.

I quite happily read print novels of anything up to 500 pages and I haven't got a problem with long lit stories - as long as they are stories and not just a sequence of sex acts between characters I feel no emotion with. Try Evil Alpaca - the sex usually doesn't start 'til about page 4 but he's 'un-put-downable'.

 

[horsie_gurl]

I was in my room today reading a story and masturbating, of course, when i came across a line that made me stop and burst out laughing. What a mood killer but i must say it was funny. It went something like this...

"Alan was 12 year old..." and later "he pulled out a 6 to 9 inch cock" and later "she sucked his little cock head"

Okay first, a 12 year old with a 6 - 9 in cock...wait anyone with one?

Secondly - 6 to 9 is a big generalization. Can you not tell?

Third - what happened to that huge cock? Did it shrink when he got turned on.

Man i was not masturbating to that story when i came. Damn it was funny though.