Transparency

[bluebell]

I'll buy that.

I still don't know HOW to do it, though. I mean, no matter how close I am to someone, no matter how much in my heart I need him/her, I still hold that person at arm's length when we're together. I'm afraid of SOMETHING. I just don't know what it is. Maybe of placing the burden of my feelings on the other person, of making him/her feel responsible for me. I don't know.

In my mind, this bolded passage is the key. Except, it might be backwards. Maybe you're scared of feeling responsible for them.

Whenever we share something of ourselves it becomes mobile. A little seedling from the main tree has been given to someone else, no matter the mode of communication. So we're possessive, because it's us out there, after all. I think the act of not sharing can be a different means of keeping pain/joy/what-have-you at mid-distance. Because it almost takes us out of the equation. Out of the burden of responsibility.

Sometimes it's very difficult to feel as though we've given and received enough to be that important to someone else. To be a key player in something as heinously messy and potentially hurtful as life. If we keep all the seedlings to ourselves it's harder to be caught up and affected. Harder to be responsible for the disappointment of others. The problem is, when we do that, we're not only cutting off the potential for bad, but for good, and ensuring that our relationships will only be able to go so far. The plateau sadly goes both ways; they aren't able to share any more of you, but you're also not able to share and delight in any more of them.

I agree with vampire, though. It's very courageous of you to seek answers. Especially about something that makes you so uncomfortable. The fact that you realize you're uneasy sharing emotions is, to me, already a sign of growth.

 

[FurryFury]

A long time ago I was told to keep secrets from everyone. I did. I had to. My caregivers were volatile to say the least. I felt to survive I had to keep secrets from them and about them, from everyone else.

Several decades ago I realized I was very lonely, shy and completely closed off. I went about changing that. It took years and years. It took a lot of little steps and sometimes I didn't go forward I stepped backwards. Then it took forgiving myself and making each day a new day. I've said this all before though so it's probably boring to hear, again.

Now I tell people how I feel. It doesn't make them responsible for me or my feelings. It makes them aware. I let them know I don't want to be fixed. I want to be listened to.

Or course employers, certain others and sometimes the kids, I have to be buttoned up with but the people that really count in my life should never wonder if I'm happy or mad. They should know because I tell them.

Sometimes it takes a while for me to name and figure out my feelings about something. If I'm with someone who blames me for not telling them sooner that can be a problem. Happily I'm with someone who is perfectly fine with me figuring out and sharing things in my own sweet time.

 

[the_pet]

i think deep down you don't feel like your feelings, etc. have value or that they will reveal the true defects of your character that you can't even bare to look at yourself much less expose to others


i could be completely wrong, so feel free to tell me to shut the fuck up and i'm WAY off base


pet

 

[IrisAlthea]

I'll buy that.

I still don't know HOW to do it, though. I mean, no matter how close I am to someone, no matter how much in my heart I need him/her, I still hold that person at arm's length when we're together. I'm afraid of SOMETHING. I just don't know what it is. Maybe of placing the burden of my feelings on the other person, of making him/her feel responsible for me. I don't know.

I lurk here sometimes and this topic did strike a chord with me.

I do have trouble with letting people get close to me and especially with asking for help or support and I think it has a lot to do with being afraid of placing a burden on them.
Deep inside I am afraid that if I stop being strong and start showing my weaknesses they will think i´m needy and that they might think I´m not worth the hassle

 

[ultramarineblue]

I lurk here sometimes and this topic did strike a chord with me.

I do have trouble with letting people get close to me and especially with asking for help or support and I think it has a lot to do with being afraid of placing a burden on them.
Deep inside I am afraid that if I stop being strong and start showing my weaknesses they will think i´m needy and that they might think I´m not worth the hassle

That really stuck out to me. I've been struggling with thinking if I'm worth it myself. I always others are worth hassle, but not so much myself being worth it. I'm always the one to jump in and help with whatever is needed. However, I don't ask for help for myself. I'm learning to do that. It's feels awkward as hell most of the time, but it gets better. The thing that keeps me in check is that just when I think I've got it together and have it figured out, I find I still have more to learn. Anyway, good luck with letting people get close to you. It will open you up to a lot more hurt but it also opens you up to a lot more happiness.

 

[IrisAlthea]

That really stuck out to me. I've been struggling with thinking if I'm worth it myself. I always others are worth hassle, but not so much myself being worth it. I'm always the one to jump in and help with whatever is needed. However, I don't ask for help for myself. I'm learning to do that. It's feels awkward as hell most of the time, but it gets better. The thing that keeps me in check is that just when I think I've got it together and have it figured out, I find I still have more to learn. Anyway, good luck with letting people get close to you. It will open you up to a lot more hurt but it also opens you up to a lot more happiness.

Thank you! I´m working on it and I´m getting better at it and yes, really awkward.

I try to remind my self that I have a lot of good people around me and that I am actually insulting them by not trusting them to really care for me, the wat they say they do.

 

[kitten_candy]

i think deep down you don't feel like your feelings, etc. have value or that they will reveal the true defects of your character that you can't even bare to look at yourself much less expose to others

i could be completely wrong, so feel free to tell me to shut the fuck up and i'm WAY off base

pet

I lurk here sometimes and this topic did strike a chord with me.

I do have trouble with letting people get close to me and especially with asking for help or support and I think it has a lot to do with being afraid of placing a burden on them.
Deep inside I am afraid that if I stop being strong and start showing my weaknesses they will think i´m needy and that they might think I´m not worth the hassle

isn't this the truth? i don't even like to look at what's way inside, how can i let anyone else in? if i let them in, will they stay? and if they do stay - that's almost scarier, for some reason.

bi-bunny, i don't know you at all but i found homburg's comment very telling. isn't it easier to reveal our secrets and our fears to someone other than our partner?

 

[BiBunny]

Well...I went out on a limb and tried to share some things with someone. And it went better than I could've possibly imagined. I hope that now I'll be more willing to do it occasionally. Maybe it's given me at least a little bit of confidence.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Well...I went out on a limb and tried to share some things with someone. And it went better than I could've possibly imagined. I hope that now I'll be more willing to do it occasionally. Maybe it's given me at least a little bit of confidence.

That is good to hear.

 

[BiBunny]

Blech. I'm back to Square One again.

I spoke to someone really close to me this weekend about some of the feelings I have toward this person. It went well. Only now, this person wants me to dig a little deeper and reveal more of myself.

And this is why I'm back to Square One. I never know how much to reveal. Do you lay it all out there? Do you hold some in reserve in order not to get the "crazy lady" label?

Fuck. I'm so bad at this. Where was I when the Higher Power handed out the ability to communicate? Eating bon-bons in the back room, no doubt.

 

[Homburg]

Blech. I'm back to Square One again.

I spoke to someone really close to me this weekend about some of the feelings I have toward this person. It went well. Only now, this person wants me to dig a little deeper and reveal more of myself.

And this is why I'm back to Square One. I never know how much to reveal. Do you lay it all out there? Do you hold some in reserve in order not to get the "crazy lady" label?

Fuck. I'm so bad at this. Where was I when the Higher Power handed out the ability to communicate? Eating bon-bons in the back room, no doubt.

All of it. Lay it out. I think by now anyone that knows you well knows how much crazy there is, or at least suspects it. Lay it out. Then expect the same in return.

 

[BiBunny]

All of it. Lay it out. I think by now anyone that knows you well knows how much crazy there is, or at least suspects it. Lay it out. Then expect the same in return.

Thank you, Sir, may I have another?

This is actually good advice. I just like fucking with you.

 

[Homburg]

Thank you, Sir, may I have another?

This is actually good advice. I just like fucking with you.

Mmmhmm....

 

[BiBunny]

Mmmhmm....

Yep.

I actually credit you with a lot of the balls I've developed in terms of this kind of thing of late. 'Cause, you know, you listen to my blabbering and don't sugarcoat it when you think I'm being an idiot. I appreciate that in a person.

It's just hard sometimes, when you realize you're nothing that you always thought you were and have to admit it to someone else who's basically always known that about you.

 

[Homburg]

Yep.

I actually credit you with a lot of the balls I've developed in terms of this kind of thing of late. 'Cause, you know, you listen to my blabbering and don't sugarcoat it when you think I'm being an idiot. I appreciate that in a person.

It's just hard sometimes, when you realize you're nothing that you always thought you were and have to admit it to someone else who's basically always known that about you.

"Know thyself" is one of the best pieces of advice given in the history of man. I'm happy to see that you are going there, and working on knowing yourself.

 

[BiBunny]

"Know thyself" is one of the best pieces of advice given in the history of man. I'm happy to see that you are going there, and working on knowing yourself.

*Nods* Maybe someday I'll be able to admit to someone other than myself. In the meantime, I have a reputation to uphold.

 

[Homburg]

*Nods* Maybe someday I'll be able to admit to someone other than myself. In the meantime, I have a reputation to uphold.

I've stopped worrying about my reputation. If I had to guess, it is because I consider myself to have a finely honed bullshit detector, and am too used to that detector pinging when I deal with anyone that is worried about their image too much. Years ago, in college, I would never study for tests. I was of the opinion that I either owned the knowledge, or didn't, and studying was going to give a false result. I have the same attitude towards my image and rep. What you see is what you get, warts, temper, shitty financial ability, and all the rest.

I sleep better at night.

 

[BiBunny]

I've stopped worrying about my reputation. If I had to guess, it is because I consider myself to have a finely honed bullshit detector, and am too used to that detector pinging when I deal with anyone that is worried about their image too much. Years ago, in college, I would never study for tests. I was of the opinion that I either owned the knowledge, or didn't, and studying was going to give a false result. I have the same attitude towards my image and rep. What you see is what you get, warts, temper, shitty financial ability, and all the rest.

I sleep better at night.

I'm starting to see that the one(s) who matter are the one(s) who already know the real Bunny, anyway. Apparently, there's just something awesome about hearing it come from my lips instead of just their intuition.

I'm still not going to stop cramming for tests, though.

 

[Homburg]

I'm starting to see that the one(s) who matter are the one(s) who already know the real Bunny, anyway. Apparently, there's just something awesome about hearing it come from my lips instead of just their intuition.

I'm still not going to stop cramming for tests, though.

That is the truth of the matter. If you have no respect for a person, why worry about what they think of you? If they don't sign your check, you don't pay em rent, and they don't have a badge, their opinions matters not a bit. And, yeah, it is more powerful when YOU say it. FAR more powerful. Self-admission is mighty good medicine, and doing it aloud, with witnesses, is the best version of all.

I will state that I am pretty much alone in my attitude towards tests. Hey, I graduated, so who cares, right?

 

[intothewoods]

I'm starting to see that the one(s) who matter are the one(s) who already know the real Bunny, anyway. Apparently, there's just something awesome about hearing it come from my lips instead of just their intuition.

I'm still not going to stop cramming for tests, though.

Studying for tests is a good thing.

Forgive my bluntness Bunny, but I've had a couple glasses of wine. I don't really get the situation. This person is asking you to share? What does he or she share with you? Something about the set up, the way you described it, sounds so off to me. I don't know what it is.

 

[BiBunny]

Studying for tests is a good thing.

Forgive my bluntness Bunny, but I've had a couple glasses of wine. I don't really get the situation. This person is asking you to share? What does he or she share with you? Something about the set up, the way you described it, sounds so off to me. I don't know what it is.

I don't know how to really explain, ITW. This person is asking me to share because he knows I want to and simply don't know how to say it. He's shared many things with me. It's not a matter of me laying it all out and him doing nothing. I'm being prodded into a quid pro quo arrangement, I think, LOL.

I'm sorry that wasn't worded any better than it was.

 

[Netzach]

I've stopped worrying about my reputation. If I had to guess, it is because I consider myself to have a finely honed bullshit detector, and am too used to that detector pinging when I deal with anyone that is worried about their image too much. Years ago, in college, I would never study for tests. I was of the opinion that I either owned the knowledge, or didn't, and studying was going to give a false result. I have the same attitude towards my image and rep. What you see is what you get, warts, temper, shitty financial ability, and all the rest.

I sleep better at night.

I can so relate to this. Except the test part, I studied, carefully, for about three hours. No more no less. I knew people who would study for days but who sadly had really weird attention spans so it didn't do much. When I'm there I'm there.

I'm having trouble wrapping my head around having trouble telling someone I trust and adore just about anything, though I'll admit there are times I've had things to say so awkward and mushy and hard to own that I've written love letters. Fairly good ones, I think. That seems normal.

Bunny, wait a sec, is the person you're talking to urging you to tell more or is this a third party who knows you well urging you to tell more, because the former is odd, the latter is flat out weirdo. You DO get to go at your own pace with this stuff. Yeah, I know M/s relationships that *mandate* transparency (my own included) but if she's not gonna say it she's not gonna say it. I can stand in front of H and scream "open sesame" all day, but it comes out when it's ready at the end of the day.

The problem may be less with your "lack of openness" and I know finding fault with oneself can be a stellar pasttime, but it's just as much fun to find fault with other people, and sometimes people's fetish for gratification before it's ripened seasoned and deserved is just as detrimental to good personal relationships, mature ones.

 

[the_mgp]

vomit

 

[BiBunny]

I can so relate to this. Except the test part, I studied, carefully, for about three hours. No more no less. I knew people who would study for days but who sadly had really weird attention spans so it didn't do much. When I'm there I'm there.

I'm having trouble wrapping my head around having trouble telling someone I trust and adore just about anything, though I'll admit there are times I've had things to say so awkward and mushy and hard to own that I've written love letters. Fairly good ones, I think. That seems normal.

Bunny, wait a sec, is the person you're talking to urging you to tell more or is this a third party who knows you well urging you to tell more, because the former is odd, the latter is flat out weirdo. You DO get to go at your own pace with this stuff. Yeah, I know M/s relationships that *mandate* transparency (my own included) but if she's not gonna say it she's not gonna say it. I can stand in front of H and scream "open sesame" all day, but it comes out when it's ready at the end of the day.

The problem may be less with your "lack of openness" and I know finding fault with oneself can be a stellar pasttime, but it's just as much fun to find fault with other people, and sometimes people's fetish for gratification before it's ripened seasoned and deserved is just as detrimental to good personal relationships, mature ones.

Bleh. I always do this. Start talking about something I really don't want to get into on the boards and give just enough information to confuse the hell out of people with, LOL.

It's complicated. I'll PM you if you like.

 

[intothewoods]

I don't know how to really explain, ITW. This person is asking me to share because he knows I want to and simply don't know how to say it. He's shared many things with me. It's not a matter of me laying it all out and him doing nothing. I'm being prodded into a quid pro quo arrangement, I think, LOL.

I'm sorry that wasn't worded any better than it was.

Ha, I forgot I posted this. No, I wasn't really drunk. I was just really tired.

Ah, anyway, I wasn't getting that he had shared anything. I am sure you are protective of him, and so not wanting to say too much, but I was envisioning a certain HetDouchebagDom type (some of my best friends are Het Doms, so no flaming! ) for a sec. My bad.