tried and i think failed

[BrightlyGo]

i think i kinda know how you feel: i've never been in a relationship with someone who was as strongly dominant as i was deeply submissive, it's terribly hard to explain what you need to someone who doesn't have that corresponding need to a similar degree.

Then again, marriage isn't easy for anyone, not vanilla or kinky or mixed.

It also seems like you're more on the masochist side than the submissive. That is, that you want intense experiences that involve pain for their own sake, rather than merely being willing to endure such experiences as discipline or as a way of showing submission. i don't mean to be judgmental or anything, just trying to understand where you're coming from. Is what you need more along the lines of isolated 'scenes' that you do now and then where he satisfies a BDSM craving of yours, or are you looking for something that pervades more of your relationship?

 

[Stella_Omega]

This was the whole reason why I looked for a Dom online, wel not to get a flogging just his opinions. I thought I had been getting it all wrong in my head. Now I want to be flogged and such more by him but it has not gone well as you know from my post.

He's a man's man so he says and gets annoyed when I ask for more now so telling asking him to submit to me would be an issue.

He's married to a woman, not a man.

I've watched a man that I love ridicule the woman he loves as a way of disguising his own insecurities. He's done this for decades, and she is a deeply unhappy woman now in the 80's. Although anyone would think she has everything she wants... what she has is everything he thinks she should want, nothing he isn't interested in, and nothing that approximates respect for her as a person. So that comment of yours pushed a big red button for me. If I had been aware of my parent's dynamics as a kid, I would have tried to talk my mother into leaving him-- and I do love the guy, and I know he would have been devastated to lose her-- but he's devastated her, for the sake of his own personal comfort.

It also seems like you're more on the masochist side than the submissive. That is, that you want intense experiences that involve pain for their own sake, rather than merely being willing to endure such experiences as discipline or as a way of showing submission.

I'm thinking the same... and IMO, it's often easier for men to understand this concept than it is to figure out how to roleplay.

I do recommend that you take a look at the three books I suggested.

 

[s7724]

Quote:
Do you need him to be more a DOM or a TOP? As in, do you need the psychological aspect of being controlled, or the physical stimulation of being flogged? Or both?

I would like both. Is that realistic?

Quote:
It also seems like you're more on the masochist side than the submissive.

I just dont know any more. I want both I want to be both but how can I ever know if I never have a true experience of them. How will I ever know if I can't feel what its really like?

He doesn't fully understand and he doesn't want to either. He will play as long as he is comfortable with whatever he is doing and that's a short list. Sex is different positions with cuffs, a few smack on the ass and pugs to spice it up.

All I know is what I want to feel and hear and see. In reality I have never had these things and I shouln't complain I have someone that loves me and would never hurt me and thats a lot more than other people have.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Quote:
Do you need him to be more a DOM or a TOP? As in, do you need the psychological aspect of being controlled, or the physical stimulation of being flogged? Or both?

I would like both. Is that realistic?

Quote:
It also seems like you're more on the masochist side than the submissive.

I just dont know any more. I want both I want to be both but how can I ever know if I never have a true experience of them. How will I ever know if I can't feel what its really like?

He doesn't fully understand and he doesn't want to either. He will play as long as he is comfortable with whatever he is doing and that's a short list. Sex is different positions with cuffs, a few smack on the ass and pugs to spice it up.

All I know is what I want to feel and hear and see. In reality I have never had these things and I shouln't complain I have someone that loves me and would never hurt me and thats a lot more than other people have.

It is realistic to have both. I don't have much more to add, but you should NOT have to 'Settle' because your husband cares for you and doesn't abuse you. That's like saying you should be content with ramen because, hey, at least you have food. Doesn't mean drop kick your husband by any means, but you have a TOTAL right to be happy. You shouldn't stop striving for that.

 

[Ropebunny]

Once upon a time, not so long ago I was in a situation that sounded eerily similar to yours s7724.


I opened up as much as I felt I could and asked for what I wanted. And I got it, but it just didn't feel right. The sensations weren't strong enough, ropes not tight enough, scenes not creative enough and the dirty talk far too clean. Lots of my ideas got shot down, which made me wonder if I would ever really be able to experience what I wanted without having to go outside of our relationship.

Thing was though, I was really only thinking of me. It was all about me and what I wanted. Even though he was trying hard, I couldn't see it. All I could see was how he didn't measure up to what I had imagined I wanted. When we were intimate, I was angry. There was even one night were I snapped at him during a scene. He hadn't said what I wanted him to say, what I'd expected, what was in the fantasy goddammit! Why the hell didn't he get it?! I don't remember what I said to him, but it wasn't kind. The tension was starting to impact other areas of our relationship. I couldn't shake the feeling of being let down. I still asked him to play though, as I was reluctant to lose what little I felt I had and I'm lucky that he didn't decide to give up either.


As time went on however, he found his groove. He started doing and saying spontaneous things. Things I'd never thought of. Things that were pretty hot! I started to relax about it and so did he. He agreed to try things he'd previously said no to. So far, he says he's enjoyed it all. He's developed his own domination style, which is far sexier than what I'd previously expected because it's his and it fits him. It fits us.

Fast forward to now: it's still not like my old fantasies used to be. But I'm ok with that. I'm more than ok with that

What I guess I'm trying to say is it takes time, possibly a hell of a lot of time to get comfortable with new sexual roles. And that's for both parties. It sounds like your husband has been accepting enough to try and fulfil your desires, which is more than some partners do. It seems he's enjoyed exploring with you thus far. It sounds to me like you've got a solid foundation to build off from here.

Keep working with adding kinky aspects to normal sex. The more enjoyable the bits and pieces are (for both of you!), the more likely the full experience will one day materialise.

 

[s7724]

Obviously I am not giving him a chance as it seems to be the same view of everyone.
List: Things I have discussed I'd like and he has agreed he'd try but..
I want to be restrained and explored......exploration is only ever in 1 place. Good enough or will run out of time.
I want him to tell me what he wants me to do to him and tell me what he wants to do, dirty talk.....rather just do it, talking's too much, cant do and talk.
Spanking....cant do too much left a mark once.
swings/ harnesses....would take to long.

There's more but pretty much same thing really. Which also includes all the wonderful vanilla things that i love too. There's always a reason not to do things but they all sound good.

It's easier and qiucker to just get it over with and 'we' orgasm so it must have been good, why would i want everything else.

 

[CutieMouse]

Obviously I am not giving him a chance as it seems to be the same view of everyone.
List: Things I have discussed I'd like and he has agreed he'd try but..
I want to be restrained and explored......exploration is only ever in 1 place. Good enough or will run out of time.
I want him to tell me what he wants me to do to him and tell me what he wants to do, dirty talk.....rather just do it, talking's too much, cant do and talk.
Spanking....cant do too much left a mark once.
swings/ harnesses....would take to long.

There's more but pretty much same thing really. Which also includes all the wonderful vanilla things that i love too. There's always a reason not to do things but they all sound good.

It's easier and qiucker to just get it over with and 'we' orgasm so it must have been good, why would i want everything else.

Let me guess... he's of the "I came so she came" universe, and that isn't necessarily true? Have you ever actually told him how often you orgasm, and what makes that happen? My ex had no idea how often that didn't happen, because I never really made a point of it. He'd finish right as I was really really getting going, and... *poof*! It didn't mean the sex was bad, per say, but there's a whole lot of better than "not necessarily bad" sex out there.

He's been trained for 20 years that ____ works (even though it apparently doesn't), and suddenly that's changing. Has he had a physical lately? Gotten his testosterone levels checked?

 

[s7724]

I had to admit it, he'd finished went to sleep and I got my vibrator and helped myself. LOL He woke up and woops busted, he was annoyed at the fact that I had never told him. Nothings changed though.

He's had a full medical and all is good.

 

[KoPilot]

Just sayin', I've been at it for... well, since whenever my join date is on the side there. We still have a long ways to go.

Years and years of having built up expectations and fantasies and pavlovian responses to those fantasies kind of makes things seem way urgent and flat and disappointing. I've had to retrain myself to find satisfaction in the small things. Not that I'm settling, but sometimes it's a long process. And I know how hard it is-- I have a fetish, like a genuine clinical fetish that creeps into 95% of my waking thoughts, and I live with the disappointment of not being able to realize those fantasies every day. Sometimes you have no choice but to enjoy the small things.

It helps that my guy actually knows what an orgasm is, where the clit is, and knows that coming from penetration alone is mostly a porno myth. Sounds like yours needs a 101 refresher.

 

[Loverskitten]

I had to admit it, he'd finished went to sleep and I got my vibrator and helped myself. LOL He woke up and woops busted, he was annoyed at the fact that I had never told him. Nothings changed though.

He's had a full medical and all is good.

Sorry, I'd be annoyed too. Judging by your two threads you REALLY need to work on your communication skills. You come off as a spoiled, passive aggressive, who expects your husband to read your mind as you lay there like a starfish waiting for him to do everything.
Read and re-read what Netzach and Ropebunny have said above.
Also put down the romance books. Just as real life isn't the same as porn, your fantasy isn't going to play out exactly how it is in your head... ever.

Why don't you have him sit back and you show him how to use the vibrator. It's not something you should be "busted" with. Women respond to different stimulation. It's a fact. I've had bunches of sex without orgasm, and I enjoyed myself. I didn't lie there dead and wait for my partner to read my mind when it wasn't working for me.

 

[Loverskitten]

Also.... maybe he's just not into BDSM. Have you talked to him about what his fantasies are? In a nonjudgmental way?

Example, I don't like feet. If I was with a guy who needed his toes sucked. I'd have to let him go, there's no way I could fulfill his fantasy.

 

[HollyS]

To clarify I did use it on him first to show him it didn't hurt me. I explained i didn't mind a little pain. This is what he doesn't get. I told him from the beginning that he could keep going and I would tell him if it was getting too much at any time with anything. I encouraged him the whole time. I wanted to know how things felt and if he kept stopping i would never know. I told him i trusted him and that i knew he wasn't going to hurt me with the flogger but his hard wansn't hard enough.

Don't give up. I think some men are afraid of unleashing desires that they think are bad. Besides not wanting to hurt you and not understanding that you like it, he may be afraid of losing control. If he says he likes it, but doesn't seem to go far enough, that may be the case.

Keep trying.

 

[s7724]

Ever since I was in my early teens I have thought about these things, things that I thought were wrong as a teenager. It look me a long time to admit these things to him and it was hard to do at first. We've been together nearly 20 years i love him.

I talk to my husband all the time about this and believe me that is a struggle. He dosn't lke talking about anything and i know this so I have to tread carefully when I want to share something with him. I don't talk at him, I don't talk down to him and I don't talk in halves to him. Its taken 10 years to tell him everything. Baby steps I've always said. I've always given him time to adjust, think and talk about something I've told him. Last year I finally told him that I would like him to dominate me in bed. This is the last of my desires the one I knew he would have most trouble understanding. I know how he is. When i talk to him about something I always ask: What do you think, would you like to try that, What would you do differntly things along thos line depending what we're talking about.

I think I've tried the communicating thing don't you? I've never wanted to hurt him or ridicule him in any way so it has been a long process but I knew it wasn't going to be easy. But I did it .
Quote:
Why don't you have him sit back and you show him how to use the vibrator. It's not something you should be "busted" with.

Yes it was. It was one of the harder things to talk about with him. If I touched myself during sex he thought he was doing something wrong so it killed the moment. after a long, long while he was starting to get the idea but that night I was seriously frustrated. I hadn't orgasmed with him in years and it just got too much. We'd played together with the vibrator before but I wanted the real thing.

 

[KoPilot]

If you've been talking to him about this for 10 years, then I heartily second the marriage counselling suggestion.

You have no obligation to put up with this guy's poor communication skills, and a counselor might be the thing to light a fire under his ass.

 

[BrightlyGo]

Quote:
It also seems like you're more on the masochist side than the submissive.

I just dont know any more. I want both I want to be both but how can I ever know if I never have a true experience of them. How will I ever know if I can't feel what its really like?

You can certainly be both. If you're more of a submissive, I might have some coping strategies but they wouldn't help if you need the masochist stuff too. ;(

 

[rthnck]

My take on this is that sometime we (men) need more hand holding than you would think. We think we know what you like. We think (stupidly) that we know what you want and if you say something different, we don't believe it. We can be funny that way.

And we are visual creatures. So I propose you find some videos that clearly show what you want and what you like. Setup a safe word. Tell him you're good to go unless you say the safe word at which point you want it dialed back a tiny bit.

My partner and I have gone done a similar path. I want to think all the time that I have her figured out but she continues to surprise.

He seems willing to give it a go and as long you've got that going for you, there's still hope.

 

[echoplex]

What makes the camp who say there is no such thing as turning someone into a sub, think that you can turn someone into a dom?

I'm reading bits and pieces about lighting a fire under some dude's ass for not being dom enough after 10 years. What the hell? Would people being saying this if the situation were opposite?

 

[Stella_Omega]

What makes the camp who say there is no such thing as turning someone into a sub, think that you can turn someone into a dom?

I'm reading bits and pieces about lighting a fire under some dude's ass for not being dom enough after 10 years. What the hell? Would people being saying this if the situation were opposite?

Well, "the camp who say there is no such thing as turning someone into a sub" have mostly said that he may very well have his limits that have to be respected. But it's an interesting double standard, isn't it? Worth thinking about.

 

[Loverskitten]

What makes the camp who say there is no such thing as turning someone into a sub, think that you can turn someone into a dom?

I'm reading bits and pieces about lighting a fire under some dude's ass for not being dom enough after 10 years. What the hell? Would people being saying this if the situation were opposite?

Ummm see my post above ^

 

[KoPilot]

What makes the camp who say there is no such thing as turning someone into a sub, think that you can turn someone into a dom?

I'm reading bits and pieces about lighting a fire under some dude's ass for not being dom enough after 10 years. What the hell? Would people being saying this if the situation were opposite?

Man, you're missing the point.

The OP said he expressed very clear interest, said he liked doing what he was doing, but that it's not enough for her. We give suggestions on how to progress that as far as it will go. Nobody knows exactly everything they want before they do it, hence trying new things.

Then it was revealed that the OP has been at this not for a few months, but 10 years. She also revealed that her husband has shit communication skills, puts her and her interests down, doesn't seem interested in making sure she finishes before going to sleep, and all around an unintentionally selfish prick.

Hence the suggestions to go to a marriage counselor to save their marriage. Not sure where you got that we were telling them to go get counseling to turn him into a dom. If you've actually read the thread, it seems like the OP is at her wit's end. This is about trying to make them the strongest couple they can be at this point in the game, D/s or no D/s. Either that, or figure out if they're just no longer compatible.

 

[Netzach]

What makes the camp who say there is no such thing as turning someone into a sub, think that you can turn someone into a dom?

I'm reading bits and pieces about lighting a fire under some dude's ass for not being dom enough after 10 years. What the hell? Would people being saying this if the situation were opposite?

I agree, wholeheartedly, that it may not be in dude's wiring. And that the undercurrent of "well it's just lurking in the heart of every manly man on the planet" is creepy.

 

[Netzach]

Man, you're missing the point.

The OP said he expressed very clear interest, said he liked doing what he was doing, but that it's not enough for her. We give suggestions on how to progress that as far as it will go. Nobody knows exactly everything they want before they do it, hence trying new things.

Then it was revealed that the OP has been at this not for a few months, but 10 years. She also revealed that her husband has shit communication skills, puts her and her interests down, doesn't seem interested in making sure she finishes before going to sleep, and all around an unintentionally selfish prick.

Hence the suggestions to go to a marriage counselor to save their marriage. Not sure where you got that we were telling them to go get counseling to turn him into a dom. If you've actually read the thread, it seems like the OP is at her wit's end. This is about trying to make them the strongest couple they can be at this point in the game, D/s or no D/s. Either that, or figure out if they're just no longer compatible.

I agree terribly communication, minimizing, etc.

But if you really cannot and I mean CANNOT do these things, even the best person on earth will exhibit these tendencies. I agree counseling might be in order, but I don't think it's going to come up with something that will meet the OP's needs if it's just not in there.

 

[subwannabe]

Maybe I missed this in one of the posts but have you searched for a porn video (not a dvd) that is close to what you want and showed it to him? Most guys are very visual.

 

[echoplex]

Man, you're missing the point.

The OP said he expressed very clear interest, said he liked doing what he was doing, but that it's not enough for her. We give suggestions on how to progress that as far as it will go. Nobody knows exactly everything they want before they do it, hence trying new things.

Then it was revealed that the OP has been at this not for a few months, but 10 years. She also revealed that her husband has shit communication skills, puts her and her interests down, doesn't seem interested in making sure she finishes before going to sleep, and all around an unintentionally selfish prick.

Hence the suggestions to go to a marriage counselor to save their marriage. Not sure where you got that we were telling them to go get counseling to turn him into a dom. If you've actually read the thread, it seems like the OP is at her wit's end. This is about trying to make them the strongest couple they can be at this point in the game, D/s or no D/s. Either that, or figure out if they're just no longer compatible.

Then again, this is one version of the story. This dude has no clue he's being talking about on some fetish forum, and painted as a loser and uncaring prick. He doesn't get a voice in this discussion. Maybe he really does want to maker her happy and maybe he tries. But because it doesn't work exactly like her fantasy, he needs lit on fire until he gets it right because he's just so hard headed and uncaring?

 

[KoPilot]

Then again, this is one version of the story. This dude has no clue he's being talking about on some fetish forum, and painted as a loser and uncaring prick. He doesn't get a voice in this discussion. Maybe he really does want to maker her happy and maybe he tries. But because it doesn't work exactly like her fantasy, he needs lit on fire until he gets it right because he's just so hard headed and uncaring?

Doesn't matter. If this is how the OP feels, this is how the OP feels-- whether he's doing what she wants or isn't, she's clearly unhappy. And I'm of the opinion that the relationship probably needs a thorough evaluation at this point. There's only so much that stewing in your own juices will accomplish.

Besides-- if she's miserable enough to consider cheating or similar (whatever your definition of the word is), then she kind of owes it to him to figure out what their general deal is anyway, right?