tried and i think failed

[Stella_Omega]

Then again, this is one version of the story. This dude has no clue he's being talking about on some fetish forum, and painted as a loser and uncaring prick. He doesn't get a voice in this discussion. Maybe he really does want to maker her happy and maybe he tries. But because it doesn't work exactly like her fantasy, he needs lit on fire until he gets it right because he's just so hard headed and uncaring?

Are we projecting here?

 

[echoplex]

Are we projecting here?

What gives you this idea? And no. Just asking people to remember you're always hearing just one side of every story around here. Plus I just think some people are being a little unfair where if the situation were reversed, would they take the same position? I'm recalling other threads and different attitudes expressed.

 

[echoplex]

Doesn't matter. If this is how the OP feels, this is how the OP feels-- whether he's doing what she wants or isn't, she's clearly unhappy. And I'm of the opinion that the relationship probably needs a thorough evaluation at this point. There's only so much that stewing in your own juices will accomplish.

Besides-- if she's miserable enough to consider cheating or similar (whatever your definition of the word is), then she kind of owes it to him to figure out what their general deal is anyway, right?

Point being this guy is who he is. Counseling is not going to turn him into whatever she dreams he'd be (at least I don't think). I don't think he has a listening problem, or an uncaring problem. He has a not-sadistic problem, evidently.

If she wants to break off a long running marriage over a kink, her life, her choice. No magic pill, not at the therapist's office, or on Literotica. Most would cut their losses in some fashion instead holding to them for 10 years strong. Before that kind of time I would have either said "fuck it", or "fuck you". I'm not big on liars, or cheating so wouldn't condone that.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Point being this guy is who he is. Counseling is not going to turn him into whatever she dreams he'd be (at least I don't think). I don't think he has a listening problem, or an uncaring problem. He has a not-sadistic problem, evidently.

If she wants to break off a long running marriage over a kink, her life, her choice. No magic pill, not at the therapist's office, or on Literotica. Most would cut their losses in some fashion instead holding to them for 10 years strong. Before that kind of time I would have either said "fuck it", or "fuck you". I'm not big on liars, or cheating so wouldn't condone that.

Actually, the real problem turns out not to be his vanilla tendencies.

It turns out to be his habit of mocking his wife in order to avoid discussions, and his general disrespect for her because she is a woman.

She may indeed end up leaving this marriage. But she's not the type to do so without another ten years of effort under her belt. Ergo, a therapist.

Plus I just think some people are being a little unfair where if the situation were reversed, would they take the same position? I'm recalling other threads and different attitudes expressed.

in one way, this is kind of true. We tend to take for granted that men are always horndogs and should always be willing and ready, while women (we often assume) have other concerns. And a lot of people are starting to speak up about that.

On the other hand, I'm trying to think of a thread in which the situation were reversed. In what way reversed? A man complaining that his wife won't dominate him? Personally, I would take pretty much the same attitude.
A man who wants to beat his wife and she won't let him? Hmm. That's problematic. I would not be encouraging a woman who wants to beat on her husband without his consent either.

 

[KoPilot]

Point being this guy is who he is. Counseling is not going to turn him into whatever she dreams he'd be (at least I don't think). I don't think he has a listening problem, or an uncaring problem. He has a not-sadistic problem, evidently.

If she wants to break off a long running marriage over a kink, her life, her choice. No magic pill, not at the therapist's office, or on Literotica. Most would cut their losses in some fashion instead holding to them for 10 years strong. Before that kind of time I would have either said "fuck it", or "fuck you". I'm not big on liars, or cheating so wouldn't condone that.

...I don't think you know what a therapist actually does?

 

[s7724]

For everyone out there I may not have painted a great picture of him.
He loves me and loves his children.

We've watched DVD's and online porn together so I could show him what I really want to try and have discussed it in length with him. His whole point is that he doesn't feel comfortable dominating me because he doesn't want to degrade me in any way. I have tried to clarify this for him but he just doesn't understand it and no matter what I have said I can not get my opinion across as he sees it as he does and that is that.

At the end of the day we are partners and I shouldn't expect him to change because I want him to. I guess I have been hoping that he would see it my way and give it a chance but I should have known better, he doesn't like change and he thinks that our marriage is fine the way it is. Marriage counseling has been a thought and I did suggest it but... 'we've talked about these things and I don't think they'll be able to say anything different,' was offered in return.

I've never expected him or what we do to be like my fantasies all I have only ever hoped for is a little of the intimacy and closeness from wholeheartedly trying to share any of these experiences together.

I am sorry that I have betrayed him tobe a villain it was never my intention. I have been out of sorts lately with this whole thing, lately my desires have been feeling more like needs and I have struggled with this.

I don't want to give up on my marriage just because I like different things in the bedroom. Marriage is more than just sex or desires. It has been a hard road for me but I'm sure it will get better.

I could never cheat on him I have been on that end and it is not nice.

My concern with the Dom was that I was feeling a closeness from talking to him, discussing and trying to understand the things I thought I want. This was bad enough for me and I have cut ties with him. I miss him in that respect, it was good to talk about my feelings and have them respected. Sir was very understanding by the way, he urged me to be strong and try to keep on explaining my feelings to hubby. Not once did he try to coerce me into keeping our relationship going. He told me that I had to do things to help my relationship not make them worse.

Thanks for everyones advice.

 

[echoplex]

Actually, the real problem turns out not to be his vanilla tendencies.

It turns out to be his habit of mocking his wife in order to avoid discussions, and his general disrespect for her because she is a woman.

She may indeed end up leaving this marriage. But she's not the type to do so without another ten years of effort under her belt. Ergo, a therapist.

And why do people avoid subjects? They're uncomfortable with them. Could very well be his way to avoid being blunt and saying "no". I've done similar things to avoid bluntness so as not to hurt someone's feelings, people have done similar things to me and I can tell when they're doing it. Not to be rude, but how good is the OP a taking a hint? Just don't think you need to pay someone money to decode that kind of behavior.

Okay I'm not an expert, but it would surprise the hell outta' me if the doc finds the dude's only problem is he's an immature dillweed / misogynist is the reason why he won't take the time to beat the shit out of his wife the way she wants and have fun doing it. If this were the million dollar question, tell Regis my final answer is "he's not comfortable with her expectations".

in one way, this is kind of true. We tend to take for granted that men are always horndogs and should always be willing and ready, while women (we often assume) have other concerns. And a lot of people are starting to speak up about that.

On the other hand, I'm trying to think of a thread in which the situation were reversed. In what way reversed? A man complaining that his wife won't dominate him? Personally, I would take pretty much the same attitude.
A man who wants to beat his wife and she won't let him? Hmm. That's problematic. I would not be encouraging a woman who wants to beat on her husband without his consent either.

You're less empathetic with those who won't just mold into dominance. Why? If you really believe you cannot mold someone into a submissive, why should you believe you can mold someone into a dominant?

 

[BrightlyGo]

For everyone out there I may not have painted a great picture of him.
He loves me and loves his children.

We've watched DVD's and online porn together so I could show him what I really want to try and have discussed it in length with him. His whole point is that he doesn't feel comfortable dominating me because he doesn't want to degrade me in any way.

It's easy to see how he could get that impression, humiliation is a turn-on for a lot of submissives, and you're likely to see it in almost any portrayal of the lifestyle. You know, of course, that something that would be degrading (and assault) when done to someone out of malice, is liberating and beautiful when done for you by someone you have mutual love & respect with. But, for someone who doesn't share such desires it seem illogical or contradictory or whatever. And, really, it's not even easy for us to understand - subs can struggle to come to terms with their desires their whole lives.

And i don't think you've painted a bad picture of him, at all. The whole time, i've gotten the impression from what you've said, that he really does care about you. And, it seems you're committed to him.

I have been out of sorts lately with this whole thing, lately my desires have been feeling more like needs and I have struggled with this.

I don't want to give up on my marriage just because I like different things in the bedroom. Marriage is more than just sex or desires. It has been a hard road for me but I'm sure it will get better.

I could never cheat on him I have been on that end and it is not nice.

Marriage, as you clearly know, is not at all easy. But, i like to think it's worth it. And, it sounds like, as difficult as it is now, you have what it takes to make your marriage work.

 

[echoplex]

For everyone out there I may not have painted a great picture of him.
He loves me and loves his children.

We've watched DVD's and online porn together so I could show him what I really want to try and have discussed it in length with him. His whole point is that he doesn't feel comfortable dominating me because he doesn't want to degrade me in any way. I have tried to clarify this for him but he just doesn't understand it and no matter what I have said I can not get my opinion across as he sees it as he does and that is that.

This is what I want people responding in this thread to understand about your husband. Some people seemed to be taking it that he didn't listen to you because he has an ego, or because he's immature. Sounds like he's been, at least at times, very straight with you.

When you say you can't get your opinion across, you mean he's basically disagreeing with you. Sounds like a normal and reasonable exchange.

I've never expected him or what we do to be like my fantasies all I have only ever hoped for is a little of the intimacy and closeness from wholeheartedly trying to share any of these experiences together.

Didn't you say that he in fact tried, but it was unsatisfactory for you? You have to give the man some credit there, he tried doing something he was uncomfortable with for you. But you should understand his heart will not be in those things and I'm really not sure you can make it be.

 

[BrightlyGo]

You're less empathetic with those who won't just mold into dominance. Why? If you really believe you cannot mold someone into a submissive, why should you believe you can mold someone into a dominant?

Stella called it 'problematic,' to 'mold someone into a submissive' in a non-consensual way. Problematic, in that context, afaict, means abusive and, well, illegal.

The reverse is just needy and annoying, and not a legal issue until they get that restraining order.

 

[Netzach]

Legality isn't the only thing, I think it's a shitty thing we do as a community when we go on and on about the latent Dom lurking within every red-blooded male. And I think that the "stop bugging her" red light goes on MUCH earlier in the case of a woman being enlisted to dominate. I've noticed this pattern. It bolsters up a lot of creepy assumptions.

I don't think the OP is bugging him, and I don't envy her totally unenviable position. I don't think it would hurt to talk about how it makes you feel when he jokes about something this important to you, though, and at least draw up some boundaries about what's on the table for being laughed at - that you should have respected. Even really good people will joke about this stuff if they don't know what to do with it and feel helpless, yet that's not OK if it hurts you.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I've wanted my husband to doninate in bed for a long time. I spoke to him about this, it was really hard as he doesn't like talking about anything of impotance and it was really hard to tell him what I thought I wanted. I then wrote him a letter telling him exact things I wanted him to do to me. He took it better then I thought and said he would try so I bought a flooger to start with and we gave it a go. Well all I can say is that he tried but I wasn't satisfied.
My current desires have been around for as long as I can remember and he is not the type of person to really dominate anyone or anything. He said it was really good and we shoud do it again but I don't want to be disapointed again.

My question is had anyone had a similar experience and do they have any advice.

My grandson is a baseball pitcher. He's starting pitcher for his high school varsity team, and pitches for 2 AAU teams. He's 16 and hangs out with MLB stars. The scouts say he has a good fast-ball with lotsa control. He routinely stops other teams in their tracks. So its not too crazy to wonder if he'll be a Yankee in a few years. Maybe he's meant to train high school kids, too soon to say.

My problem with 'doms' is, 99% of them buy the powder blue capes and zircon tiaras and rhinestone speckled wands but play in the T Ball League. They have as much experience with testosterone as they have with moonshine hooch.

Your soldier may wear the uniform and not be a warrior.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You're less empathetic with those who won't just mold into dominance. Why? If you really believe you cannot mold someone into a submissive, why should you believe you can mold someone into a dominant?

I don't, and I have said that I don't. Many times. Hello, is there anybody in there?

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I don't, and I have said that I don't. Many times. Hello, is there anybody in there?

I think you're quite right in that they're projecting and not really discussing this with us...

 

[s7724]

[QUOTE=This is what I want people responding in this thread to understand about your husband. Some people seemed to be taking it that he didn't listen to you because he has an ego, or because he's immature. Sounds like he's been, at least at times, very straight with you.

He has been straight with me in certain things but then he says things that contradict what he's said which confuses me. He says he wants to try more of what we've done like hand cuffs and spanking but he cant do it harder or go any further because he doesn't want to degrade me. If he thought about degrading me wouldn't those things be doing that.

QUOTE= When you say you can't get your opinion across, you mean he's basically disagreeing with you. Sounds like a normal and reasonable exchange.

When I mean my opinion I'm trying to clarify to him things I'm telling him about such as subs or him dominating me. I want him to understand how I feel about certain things or deffinitions but he disagrees with me because his definitions or how he understands something is right.For example full time subs are doormats and telling someone what your going to do to them and not asking even if it is for both your pleasure is degrading. Yes I disagreed with him.

QUOTE= Didn't you say that he in fact tried, but it was unsatisfactory for you? You have to give the man some credit there, he tried doing something he was uncomfortable with for you. But you should understand his heart will not be in those things and I'm really not sure you can make it be.

Yes he has tried and I wasn't completely satisfied. I wanted more and I knew that I was never going to get more like I wanted. I did give him credit for trying I can't ask for more than that but when he says that it was good and we should do that again should I keep doing it when I'm not satisfied by it. No, I have accepted that he won't be able to satify all my wants and I will gradually cut out any kink that I have added. He's not 100% into it so why bother pushing the subject it will only make both of us unhappy and unfulfilled.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yes he has tried and I wasn't completely satisfied. I wanted more and I knew that I was never going to get more like I wanted. I did give him credit for trying I can't ask for more than that but when he says that it was good and we should do that again should I keep doing it when I'm not satisfied by it. No, I have accepted that he won't be able to satify all my wants and I will gradually cut out any kink that I have added. He's not 100% into it so why bother pushing the subject it will only make both of us unhappy and unfulfilled.

It would depend on how unhappy the situation makes you. Some people can set aside their own needs without too much unhappiness, some people find that their needs are not as needful as all that. If so, you can be quite happy ignoring them, and no shame in it.

 

[s7724]

I feel as though I need to just get on with it and forget all the things I want so I can be really happy with my current sex life.

It's hard to do this as now I'm wanting these things or some of them every time we're in bed. It's like I can't switch them off. Sometime I'm trying not to think about them so hard that I realise I haven't been concentrating on what we are doing and it kills the moment. I wish I could forget everything I have learnt lately it would make it easier.